PSSST…… TOMORROW (FRIDAY!!!) IS THE DAY!!!!

The 36th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon happens TOMMOROW, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24TH and can be heard LIVE on AM 760 WJR!!! This Is THE FUNDRAISER for this vital program that Feeds 3500 Men, Women and Children on the streets in and around Detroit 365 DAY A YEAR off the mobile Bed & Bread Trucks. And it provides a warm place for 200+ people to sleep each night! That comes out to nearly 1.3 million meals and more than 72,000 nights of safe shelter each year! But you can even get a head start by donating TODAY starting at 4pm!!!

We started the Radiothon back in 1987 with the hopes of giving something back to the community. That first year… we raised $15,000 in 4 hours and we were thrilled! This year… our goal is $1.8 MILLION - and with your continued support, I know we can do it!

You can donate two ways: Just call 833-SAL-HOPE (833) 725-4673 or text the word BREAD to 24365. You can even do it NOW! As they say… “Operators are standing by!”

The last several years have been a challenge for us all… none more so than those struggling just to get themselves and their families through another day in this especially cold, snowy and icy winter. That’s why the Salvation Army’s Bed & Bread Feeding and Sheltering Program is needed NOW more than EVER. The Bed & Bread Trucks are out delivering nutritious meals and hot beverages daily - no matter what the weather.

They say “Charity begins at home”… and with the Bed & Bread Club, every penny of every dollar you give goes straight to the people in need - in our own community. If you can find it in your heart - and your pocketbook - to donate to this most worthy of causes (and one that is so dear to my heart!) - it would be so appreciated.

A $120 donation feeds five people for nearly a month and designates you a member of the Bed & Bread® Club.

A $240 donation feeds ten people for nearly a month and solidifies you as a Double Bed & Bread® Club Member. You will also receive a limited-edition Bed & Bread Club® Radiothon 43" telescopic folding umbrella as a thank you gift.

At $255 or more you will receive the umbrella AND an umbrella will be donated to someone in need!

Hunger and homelessness do not take a day off, nor does The Bed & Bread® Club.

Jackie and I will on the air with Guy Gordon from 4pm to 7pm tomorrow night (Friday) as we wrap up the Radiothon. I hope you’ll tune in and give whatever you can!

After 45 years on the air here, I know one thing for sure: Detroiter’s take care of each other. It’s what makes me so proud of this city… and so proud of the Bed & Bed Program!!

-Dick

PS… You can watch a livestream of the Radiothon starting tomorrow morning (Friday) at 6am and running right up until we announce the total at 7pm by going to Salmich.org! Thank you!

A new bill introduced in Florida this week would make it illegal for dogs to stick their heads out of car window.

- Great. Now… Whose gonna tell the dogs??

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Heinz is trying to track down a man who claims he survived for nearly a month at sea in the Caribbean on nothing but ketchup, garlic powder and seasoning cubes. They say they want to buy the man, 47 year old Elvis Francois, a new boat but - even going door to door - have been unable to track him down.

- Apparently, Elvis has left the Building.

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Rapper 50 Cent has reached a settlement with a Florida Plastic Surgeon over claims he had penis enlargement surgery. The female surgeon posted a pic of herself and the rapper on Instagram implying that she’d performed the surgery on him… which he vehemently DENIES despite the settlement.

- I think if any Rapper would have gone for that type of surgery it would have been the late, “Biggie Smalls”.

- You know, it takes a lot of nerve to stand up and admit you had you picture taken with a Penis Enhancement Surgeon.

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Rihanna’s dad reportedly found out that she was pregnant while watching her perform during the Super Bowl halftime show.

- He's hoping she'll hold her “Gender Reveal Party” at the Indy 500 because he’s planning on watching that too.

This reminds me of (another!) personal story… Some years ago I Emceed an event at a Sports Banquet at Cobo Hall that featured race car driver Mauri Rose. Mauri won 3 Indy 500 Races in the 1940’s.

Now when I was a kid, my Dad told me a number of times that HE had WON the Indy 500 THREE times.

I looked it up, and back in those days, the driver and his mechanic rode in the car together - like you’ve seen in the old movies. So I started thinking maybe he didn’t actually win as the DRIVER but won as MAURI’s MECHANIC!!! And here was my opportunity to confirm my Dad’s story after all these years!!

So before the Banquet, I went up to Mauri, and told him the story my Dad had told me. He looked at me and said… “What was your Dad’s name?”. I said “Paul or Joe Purtan… Either one, He used both names”. He smiled and said, “Never heard of him”.

I guess my Dad just forgot the “Mechanic” part of the story.

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Police in Hollywood got a call on Sunday from a man threatening to blow the famous Hollywood sign to smithereens with pipe bombs -- unless - that is - he was paid a WHOPPING $10,000. The only problem was… the man called his demand to the cops in Hollywood, FLORIDA.

- This sounds like the plot of a Dr. Evil/Dumb & Dumber Bromantic Comedy.

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Liam Neeson says a recent appearance on “The View” where Joy Behar admitted that she has a thing for him and want’s “Her ashes sprinkled over him” made him uncomforfortable.

- Talk about a fate worse than death.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s Paczski Day! aka FAT TUESDAY! I’m sorry… I understand the latest rule from the Woke World is we can’t say “Fat” so… It’s “Plus-Size Tuesday!”

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Speaking of the “F” word…

Critics are accusing the publisher of Roald Dahl’s children’s books of censorship for removing colorful language from books like “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” to make them "more acceptable". For example, Augustus Gloop, in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” is no longer “enormously fat,” he’s just “enormous”.

- So “ixnay” the “fat” part.

And in order to be “Gender Neutral”… the Oompa Loompas are no longer “Small men” they are “Small People”.

- I thought Size Didn’t Matter!?!?!?

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President Biden met with the President of Poland in Warsaw this morning and told him that he grew up "surrounded by so many Polish immigrants in his Delaware neighborhood" that he "wanted to add 'ski' to his last name".

- Between claiming he was raised by Puerto Ricans, in a Black Church, as an Irish Catholic... among Poles... I'm beginning to think Biden's NOT from DELAWARE... He's from EPCOT at Disneyworld.

*****

Don Lemon will return to the CNN morning show on Wednesday after shooting himself in the foot with his “A woman past her 20’s, 30’s, or MAYBE her 40’s is PAST HER PRIME” comments last week… BUT he will be required to undergo unspecified “Formal Training”.

- Just a thought here... but I suggest the "Training" should be Tag Teamed by two very strong women who, according to Don, are “Past their Prime”… Judge Judy and Dr. Ruth.

- Or put him in a room with my daughters for an hour. His choice.

*****

Finally, some feminists organizations are urging the Biden administration to "abandon plans" to allow biological males to share locker rooms with women and compete in women's sports… saying it “Unfairly Penalizes” female athletes.

- EXACTLY!!!! It PENAL-izes them!!!

*****

According to a new poll, 4 in 10 adults admit they have agreed to go home with a potential date specifically to meet that person’s pet.

- These days, everybody wants to date someone with a pet chicken so they can get some free eggs.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Presidents Day! The Day we honor those who many people consider the two Greatest Presidents in the History of the US: Abraham Lincoln whose birthday is Feb. 12th and George Washington who was born on Feb. 22nd.

How do we celebrate President’s Day?? By getting a GREAT DEAL ON A NEW MATTRESS AT GARDNER WHITE!!!!!!

*****

All kidding aside, our thoughts and Prayers are with former President Jimmy Carter and his family as it was announced that the 39th Commander in Chief of the US has entered hospice care. At 98 years old, Carter is the longest living President in US History.

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The Canadian teacher “Kayla Lemieux”, a man who began identifying as a woman last September and went viral for wearing huge, Z-cup prosthetic breasts to school… now claims the breasts are “Real” and the result of a rare genetic condition.

- I’m no Doctor, but I believe the Medical term for Gigantic Boobs on a man is “Chesticles”.

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In honor of Presidents Day, a company that specializes in “Memorial Spaceflights” announced plans to send hair samples from George Washington, John F. Kennedy, Dwight Eisenhower and Ronald Reagan into Space on a rocket next year.

- They were going to send it up this week… but they were afraid the Government might go crazy and shoot the rocket down.

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A long-lost letter from George Washington - where he is trying to sell land for cash in 1787 - hints at the first president’s financial woes, and it is expected to fetch $50,000 at auction.

- Too bad he didn’t think of selling the LETTER at the time!! He could have gotten the CASH and kept the LAND!!!

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Get Better… Tom Sizemore… The 61 year old actor, born in Detroit, best known for his work in “Saving Private Ryan” who is in Critical Condition after suffering a Brain Aneurysm over the weekend.

RIP… Richard Belzer… The comedian and actor best known for his 23 year run on the "Law & Order" TV Shows has died at age 78. No cause of death given.

RIP… Stella Stevens… Co-star of movies including the “Nutty Professor” with Jerry Lewis and the “Poseidon Adventure” has died at the age of 84 after a battle with Alzheimers. I met Stella twice - both memorable. As I mentioned on the radio show a couple of times, I interviewed her on the air in Cincinnati once - and after the show (I signed off at 3pm) she asked me out for a drink. I nervously explained that I couldn’t as my wife, Gail and baby daughter, Jennifer were on their way to the station to pick me up.

The second timeI was at Channel 4 in Detroit… and unbeknownst to me, Stella was there promoting a play. Alan Frank, who was General Manager of 4 at the time had heard me tell my “Stella Story” on the air before and decided to “recreate” the moment. So i’m sitting in his office, and all of a sudden the door opens up and there stands Stella Stevens. This is 20 years later mind you. I look at her and I say “Stella!” And she just smiles.

Did she remember me? I have no idea. But I doubt it.

Did I go out for a drink with her?

Not that time, either.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

RIP… Raquel Welch... the legendary actress of film, tv and stage who passed away yesterday at age 82 after a brief illness.

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80 year old President Biden will head to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland for a Physical Exam Thursday, ahead of an expected announcement that he will seek a second term in the White House.

- He's also expected to undergo a Colonoscopy in the coming weeks to check for Polyps... and Secret Classified Documents.

*****

The White House says they will release a “Written Summary” of the doctors report on the President’s health later this afternoon.

- I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say the report is going to say he’s in better shape than Tom Brady.

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Pharma giant Pfizer/Viatris - maker of Viagra - announced that they will SUSPEND SHIPMENT of the drug to Russia do to Putin’s ongoing war against Ukraine.

- Well Vlad’s gonna be up in arms about that… but apparently that’s about it.

- NOTE: Pfizer formed “Viatris” when they merged Mylan and “Upjohn”… Coincidence???

*****

Yesterday, CNN's Don Lemon - who recently screamed at and made his co-host Kaitlyn Collins cry - claimed that Nikki Haley, who is running for President is "Past her Prime" as a woman. Why? Because she’s not in her "20's, 30's or 40's".

- Oh... that's not gonna go over well with the ladies. Not that that's gonna affect Don's dance card on Saturday night.

****

White House Officials now say that many of the “mysterious” objects in the sky could be “Benign crafts and NOT aliens visiting earth or spy satellites”… or even… Wait for it… “USED CAR LOT BALLOONS”.

- You know, when I woke up this morning I thought I lived in the USA. But it turns out, I'm living in a Comic Book.

*****

A Eurasian eagle owl who escaped from the Central Park Zoo in New York earlier this month is now hunting for his own food.

- If he was as "Wise" as they say, he'd set up camp outside a "HOO-ters".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As the Spartan Community continues to reel from the horrific events of Monday night... I have to say, on a personal note, as a Father and Grandfather, like all of you - I am devastated.

Four of my Grandchildren - JoAnne's daughter Lauren & son Adam, and Jessica's sons Preston & Jack are students at MSU and were on campus when the shots rang out. Jack - a sophomore - was in the Union - just 20 feet away from where the gunman stood when Jack heard what he thought was something falling or breaking. If only that had been the case. Instead we have three dead, and five others fighting for their lives in Sparrow Hospital.

And here we are. Just 15 months after Oxford. And, of course, all the other tragedies - the names... the tears... the memorials... Again.

*****

And now for a look at a lighter side of the news…

For the first time since the Bureau of Labor started keeping stats in 1980, a dozen eggs now cost MORE than a pound of BEEF.

- So many people are eating beef, some Chickens have started laying Hamburgers to try keep up with demand.

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A new study explains that morning gym-goers reap slightly more rewards and burn more calories than those who workout later in the day.

- And SIGNIFICANTLY more than those who put if off all day... and then decide not to go at all.

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When asked about President Biden's communication style during the White House press briefing Tuesday, Karine Jean Pierre said President Biden is "The best communicator in the White House".

- Isn’t that kind of like saying Harpo was the most “Talkative” of the Marx Brothers??

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Researchers from the National Institutes of Health say they are closer to approving a Fast-Acting MALE Birth Control Pill that Starts working within 30 minutes and “Stops Swimmers for a full 24 hours".

- Well if it doesn't work out for Birth Control, we could aways use it against our competitors at the next Olympics.

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Insiders at the World Health Organization (WHO) say there will be NO FURTHER INVESTIGATION INTO THE ORIGINS OF COVID. Why, you ask? Well apparently it's because "The Chinese aren't being cooperative".

- Well okay then. I guess we'll just have to let it go...

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Prayers for the three MSU students who tragically lost their lives, the 5 still fighting for theirs, and all those whose world has been forever altered by yet another senseless act of violence - this time, like Oxford… so close to home…on the campus of Michigan State. Our hearts are with each of them and their families as they try to comprehend the incomprehensible.

Hug your kids and I’ll see you back here tomorrow.

-Dick

HAIL TO THE CHIEFS!!!

What a game!!! One of the best Super Bowls in a long time… MVP Kansas City QB Patrick Mahomes - on a bad ankle - and the Chiefs came back from a ten point deficit in the second half to defeat the Philadelphia Eagles 38-35. It was the Chiefs 2nd Super Bowl Bowl win in 4 years!

*****

Immediately after the crushing loss, Eagles fans flooded the streets of Philadelphia, scaling lampposts, hurling bottles and chanting “F*** the Chiefs”. Police and SWAT teams made several arrests.

- And that’s why they call it “The City of Brotherly Love”.

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It’s been reported that each 30 second commercial during Super Bowl LVII cost companies $7 MILLION up from 6.5 MILLION a year ago

- But Super Bowl ads are still cheaper than a dozen eggs.

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Hip-Hop star Rhianna brought a special guest to her halftime show… her unborn baby! The 9-time Grammy Award winner revealed a prominent “Baby Bump” under her red latex outfit - announcing to the world that she and boyfriend A$AP Rocky are expecting their second child.

- If she can lip sync the labor pains as well as she did the performance… I don’t think she’ll need an epidural.

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To this day, the group that holds the record for the most performances at a Super Bowl Halftime Show is… UP WITH PEOPLE… who performed at the Big Game in 1971, ‘76, ‘80, ‘82, and ‘86.

- If you don’t remember “Up with People” …was like “Donny & Marie” on steroids.

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George Toma, the 94 year old official NFL Groundskeeper was trashed on social media after both Super Bowl teams struggled to keep their feet on the ground without slipping during yesterdays game.

- Hey… He’s 94. They’re lucky he wasn’t yelling at the players, “Hey kids… Get off my lawn!”

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Tom Brady sent out a tweet before the game yesterday - his first Super Bowl since retiring (for real this time) from the NFL indicating that he was at a bit of a loss. He wrote, "I’m not sure what to do with my hands,"

- Well, Tom, if you had stayed retired the first time and thus stayed married to Gisele, you wouldn’t be wondering about that right now.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Pentagon now says that the Chinese Spy Balloon is part of a “Larger Spy Effort” on China’s part.

- Part II will have some guy dressed up like Ed McMahon showing up at the Front Door of the White House with a big check and a bunch of Spy Balloons, telling the Prez that he won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

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Madonna lashed out at those who criticized the “work” she’s had done on her face after video of her at Sunday night’s Grammy’s left viewers shocked. She blamed “Ageism and Misogeny” and “Photos taken with a long lens camera that would distort anyone’s face!”.

- On “The View” it’s known as the “Joy Behar Cam”.

PS… I had a shot of me taken like that by a photographer from People Magazine one time when they did a story on the Radio show. I was in the foreground and I looked like a fish with a mustache. I didn’t blame it on “Ageism and Misogyny”…. I blamed it on what it really was… REALITY!!

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Florida led the world in “unprovoked” shark bites in 2022 — accounting for 28% of all global attacks.

- Are there a lot of “Provoked” shark attacks??

- Seriously… Are there a bunch of people who go swimming in the ocean and say, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s body surf for a while…. then provoke a couple sharks… then maybe grab some lunch”.

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According to a new Free Speech Survey, a majority of College Students are afraid to express their views in class.

- Including THE Ohio State University… Thus, we wrote a song for them that we played every year before the Michigan-OSU game. Here’s a sample of the lyrics…

“They say the girls… who go… to OSU…. are husband hunting dames…

They dig the jocks…who got… the killer instinct… not the boys with Brains!!!

At Columbus… You’re way ahead! With Straight A’s in Physical Ed!

Down with Ohio State! It’s a No Nothin’ Party School!”

*****

48 year old Leo DiCaprio - who famously only dates women 25 years old or younger - was roasted online this week over an alleged romance with a model who’s just 19. That means Leo’s girlfriend was born 7 years AFTER the movie “Titanic” came out.

- His “Heart May Go On”… but if he keeps dating teenagers… he’s gonna need Viagra to keep everything else afloat.

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A new horror movie "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey" opens in theaters next week... It follows Pooh and Piglet who have become "bloodthirsty murderers" as they terrorize a bunch of college co-eds and a grown-up Christopher Robin.

- Sounds like the feel-good movie of year!! I hope it’s a MUSICAL!!!!!

- What’s next? "The Cat In The Hat Sticks an Ax in Their Backs"??

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The Oscar winning movie “La La Land” is in development to become a Broadway Musical.

- If they're looking to make Movies into musicals… might I suggest, the “The Godfather”? I always thought that scene where Luca Brasi gets garroted with piano wire could use a nice song and dance number.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Pundits are betting that President Biden was previewing the slogan for his 2024 Presidential run during his State of the Union last night when he repeatedly said "Let's Finish the Job".

- He talked for an hour and 13 minutes. By the end I was like... "Let's Just Finish the Speech!"

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First Lady Jill Biden and Kamala Harris’s husband Doug Emhoff raised eyebrows at last nights State of the Union when they shared a full-on kiss on the lips before the President’s Address.

- I’ll admit I was shocked. But that’s because I thought Emhoff was Bill O’Reilly!

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An 82-year-old woman was pronounced dead at a New York nursing home but found to be alive three hours later at the funeral home where she had been taken.

- Start Spreading the News! I’m Breathing Today!!! I want to be a part of it! New York New York!!!

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A Swiss baker earned a Guinness World Record at a wedding fair by creating the world's largest "Wearable Dress" made out of Cake. The edible outfit which weighs 289 pounds and 13 ounces.

- Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't women usually AVOID cake so they can fit INTO their Wedding Dress??

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A record 50.4 million adults in the United States -- roughly 20% of the population -- are expected to bet approximately $16 billion on Super Bowl LVII.

- And that number goes up to $20 BILLION if your factor in Pete Rose and Denny McLain’s wagers.

*****

Researchers say they've narrowed down the most stressful time of the day... and that time is: 7:23am.

- Which is why I always set MY alarm for 7:24!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Tom Brady posted a pic on Social Media of himself sitting on the corner of his bed wearing nothing but a pair of his “Brady Brand” underwear.

- I’m no divorce lawyer… but when it came to splitting things up, I think Tom should have gotten all the Jerseys and Gisele should have gotten all the under-things.

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President Biden will deliver his State of the Union Address tonight at 9pm.

- Joe says he plans to keep it short as he usually likes to stay home on Tuesday nights and order Chinese.

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Meanwhile… While China continues to insist that the Spy Balloon the US shot down over the Atlantic off the coast of S. Carolina Saturday “accidentally veered off course” - they are also claiming that a SECOND Chinese Balloon currently flying over Central America was ALSO “ thrown off course by weather”.

- Right… I wouldn’t count on them coming clean about the Balloons anytime soon… I think this is what’s known as an “Ancient Chinese Secret"!!!

- Ironically, the Balloons are the first things to arrive in the U.S. marked "Made in China" that didn't stop working five minutes after they showed up.

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A Japanese zoo said it has solved the mystery of a Gibbon who became pregnant while living ALONE in an enclosure… with NO MALES allowed in or out. Turns out there was a small hole in a board at the back of the enclosure which a male Monkey who lived nearby “Used to his advantage”.

- Zookeepers said, “By George, he’s not only Curious, he’s Creative!!!”

*****

JLo and Ben Affleck appeared to be in a bit of a tiff during the Grammys Sunday night… and the tabloids hired “Expert Lip Readers” to study the video. They say JLo told a bored looking Ben to “Stop” and “Look more friendly”. And an annoyed Ben responded, “I might”.

- But no worries! It’s to be expected!!! I mean THINK ABOUT IT!!!! They got married LAST JULY!! (True!!!) It’s the 7 MONTH ITCH!!!!

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Scientists from the Korea Research Institute of Chemical Technology are developing 100% biodegradable, environmentally-friendly paper straws that don’t get soggy.

- Forget straws… Can’t they figure out a way to keep Cereal from getting soggy the second you pour milk on it??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you b ack here Wednesday!

-Dick

The U.S. military shot down the suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been flying across the country for days. The Chinese said it was just a “Civilian Airship that accidentally drifted off course”.

- Of course if was!! Kind of like Covid was just a Civilian Virus that accidentally drifted out of that lab in Wuhan.

*****

The balloon was reportedly shot down by a single missile fired from a US fighter jet.

- But today… is National Chop Sticks Day (True!) so it’s POSSIBLE that instead of a missile, we brought down the balloon using a Giant Chop Stick.

*****

Dr. Anthony Fauci is facing backlash after it was revealed that he is charging up to $100,000 for speaking engagements. Fauci is described by his agent agent as "A man who can alter the course of Human Existence”

- It's true. Fauci's like a really short Super Hero... He flies in, saves the day... and people are like "Who was that Masked Man??"

*****

Madonna was all but unrecognizable at last night's Grammy Awards... with fans flooding social media with concerns that she might have finally had too much plastic surgery on her face.

- How tight is her skin? Let's just say when she tried to smile, her panty hose rode up and accidentally gave her a wedgie.

*****

A new study claims drivers of Mini Coopers have higher IQs than everyone else on the road… while owners of Land Rovers, Fiats, and BMWs were found to have lower than average IQ scores.

- If owning a Mini Cooper means you’re smart… I’m gonna do one better and get me one of those MAXI-Coopers! Then I can join Mensa!!!

*****

A growing number of lawmakers, business leaders, and academics are pushing for the U.S. to embrace a 4-day work week...that would allow employees to work 32 hours instead of 40 without losing any pay or benefits.

- So far, the only company against it is the T.G.I.F. Restaurant Chain which says it doesn’t want to have to pay to re-do all of its signs to read "Thank God It's Thursday".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

Dick

Punxsutawney Phil saw his Shadow… meaning six more weeks of Winter...

AGAIN…

SERIOUSLY…

FOR REAL…

PHIL’S NOT KIDDING THIS TIME…

STAY TUNED…

*****

A UK man flying to Ibiza to help get over a recent breakup from his girlfriend was arrested after attacking flight staff who told him he was too drunk to board the plane.

- And unfortunately the entire flight ended up being cancelled since he was, you know, the Pilot.

*****

A man looking for "treasure" with a metal detector ended up finding a priceless artifact... A gold heart shaped pendant given by Henry the VIII to Catherine of Aragon to celebrate their marriage - his first of six.

- Catherine is said to have loved the necklace... telling her Ladies-in-Waiting, “He went to the Tower of London Jared!!!!"

- Even so, unlike Henry’s second wife Anne Boleyn, Catherine wasn’t HEAD over heels with Henry.

*****

Porn Star Ron Jeremy, who is locked up while awaiting trial on Sexual Assault charges, is reportedly so senile… he believes he’s “Shooting sex scenes with ‘Naughty Nurses’ at the psychiatric hospital where he’s being held.

- When I think "Naughty Nurse" and "Psychiatric Hospital" I usually think Nurse Ratched in "One Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest" NOT "Bi-Polar Panty Raid ". (Btw… Nurse Ratched was played by Louise Fletcher - who passed away last September 23rd).

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A woman in Seattle returned to her home Friday night to find a broken window… and a fully clothed man taking a bath in her bathroom.

- She called the cops who arrived before he was able to make a clean getaway. (Ba da Boom!)

*****

74 year old Ozzie Osbourne announced that due to ongoing health battles, he is cancelling the remainder of his scheduled concert dates and retiring from the road.

- Put another way... "Bat's all Folks!"

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A man in Singapore is suing a woman for $2.3 MILLION after she turned down a date with him and said she “just wants to be friends”. He says the rejection caused “Damage to his Stellar Reputation” along with “Trauma, Depression and Impact to his Life”.

- If men could sue every time a woman turned ‘em down for a date... Big Al would own "Twitter" right now instead of Elon Musk. (Just kidding Al…!)

*****

A Gas station attendant in Mobile, Alabama called the Cops after he found a human Penis lying on the ground near one of the gas pumps. Police have begun an investigation but say at this time, “There is nothing to indicate Foul Play”.

- EXCUSE ME????? No "FOUL PLAY"???

- Do they think someone just bought it at “Bed, Bath, Penises, and Beyond”???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

BREAKING NEWS… TOM BRADY IS RETIRING…

AGAIN…

SERIOUSLY…

FOR REAL…

HE’S NOT KIDDING THIS TIME…

STAY TUNED…

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After 3500 episodes dealing with everything from marital strife to addiction interventions to mother-in-law troubles… The “Dr. Phil” show is coming to an end this Spring after 21 seasons.

- I did a phone interview with Dr. Phil one time… To be honest, he didn’t seem like he was in a very good mood. Maybe he was having some Marital Strife… Or addiction issues… Or Mother-in-law troubles… You think?? I mean, he’s only human!

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Major airlines including JetBlue, Virgin Atlantic, and Delta have begun altering their uniform policies for pilots and flight attendants, with many now allowing employees to choose between Women's or Men's uniforms regardless of their biological gender.

- So if your flight attendant offers you “Coffee, Tea or ME??” you might want to make sure “She” doesn’t have an extra “Carry on” under her skirt that you’re unaware of.

*****

The Tennessee cop fired for having kinky sex with Multiple Officers WHILE ON DUTY told investigators she “cracked” while going through a difficult divorce.

- Tom Brady went through a “Difficult Divorce” - and he may have lost many MILLIONS of dollars in the process and didn’t even end up going to the Super Bowl again… but he DIDN’T sleep with a bunch of other players DURING ONE OF THE GAMES!!!

*****

According to a new survey, 1 in 5 employees “Hate” their work environment.

- And that number goes WAY UP if you poll the people who work in Kamala Harris’s office.

*****

A new study says Chimpanzee Teens may not be so different from the human kind… claiming that teen chimps experience the same rapid hormone changes, increased aggression, and competition for social status as typical high school students.

- And, like teen boys, teen Chimps like to Monkey around.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

What a year it’s been so far! So many losses… Yesterday alone we lost two.

RIP… Bobby Hull… the “Golden Jet”… of the Chicago Black Hawks who died yesterday at age 84. He was one of of The Greats… flying down the left wing of the ice, firing off a rocket-like Slapshot that thrilled fans and scared the skates off every goalie in the league.

It reminds me of the time Gordie Howe called and asked me to drive downtown with him to Cobo Hall to receive an Award. (Gordie and I were friends… plus we played together on my Charity Hockey Team - the “Purtan No-Stars” - of which I was the Founder, General Manager, Coach, & Goalie! And Gordie was… well… The Star!!! )

Afterwards, on the way back to Gordie’s house, I mentioned that on that very day I’d heard an interview Bobby Hull gave to the Press in which he announced that he was such a fan of Gordie’s… that if he ever came close to breaking Gordie’s all-time NHL Goal Scoring Record - he wouldn’t do it.

Gordie looked at me and said, “Bobby said that?? “Really?”

And I said, “That’s what I heard him say”.

And Gordie mouthed, “Wow”.

Yesterday, when I heard the sad news of Bobby’s passing, I looked up their goal scoring records in the NHL. Gordie had 801. Bobbie ended up with 610. So….. Bobby was true to his word.

Rest well Bobby… and our Hearts and Prayers to the Hull Family, including of course, Bobby’s son, former Red Wing Brett Hull.

And

RIP… Cindy Williams… who, along with Penny Marshall, starred in “Laverne & Shirley” has died at age 75 after a brief illness. You might also remember her from 1973’s “American Graffiti”. We had her on the show one morning when she was in town performing in a play… Nice lady! (Penny Marshall died in 2018) And In the words of Laverne & Shirley… "Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!"

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Researchers say that the Greenland Shark postpones mating until it’s over 100 years old.

- Apparently it wants to be there for the Conception... but wants to skip the whole "Raising it" phase.

- My Dad made it close to 100. He died at age 96. I asked him one time… “Hey Dad… You still doin’ it??” He looked at me, winked… and didn’t say a word.

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A massive fire destroyed a large Egg Farm in Connecticut on Saturday… killing 100,000 chickens and injuring thousands more.

- If only the Chickens had chosen THAT moment to Cross the Road.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Super Bowl LVII is set: The Philadelphia Eagles will face the Kansas City Chiefs in Arizona on Sunday, February 12th!

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Gwyneth Paltrow admitted that she had to close the London location of her “Goop” store after the pricey boutique which featured items including a $60 candle shaped like a Woman's Butt, lost almost $2 MILLION last year.

- A Candle shaped like a woman’s butt? No wonder she lost $2 MIL in ASSets.

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King Charles has reportedly asked the Archbishop of Canterbury to broker a deal between his two warring sons so Prince Harry can attend his Coronation.

- Sounds more like a job for Dr. Phil. That’s who we use in my family… but only when Jerry Springer's not available.

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State Farm and Progressive Insurance have confirmed that they plan to DROP COVERAGE of certain Kia and Hyundai models made between 2015 and 2019 due to an increase in thefts of up to 300% due to “Car Theft Challenges” posted on Social Media.

- Meanwhile... How about we start a movement to get Liberty Insurance to change their theme song??? I mean c'mon!!!! LIBERTY... LIBERTY... LIBERTY.……… LIBERTY... That's all they could come up with???

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A new study found that dogs have “Special ways” to communicate with humans that animals such as pigs don’t have.

- Well good for dogs! But PIGS can FLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

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On this day in 1873 “Around the World in 80 Days,” by Jules Verne was published.

The book told the story of what was supposed to be an hour long flight from Detroit to Chicago... that ended up taking 2 1/2 months because the characters in the book took Southwest.

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RIP... Barrett Strong… singer and songwriter who wrote classic hits for the Temptations, Marvin Gaye, Edwin Starr and others Motown Greats has died. He was 81.

RIP... Annie Wersching, best known for TV shows including "Timeless", "24" and "Bosch", has died following a nearly three-year battle with cancer. She was 45.

RIP... Lisa Loring, who as a 6 year old became the first actress to play Wednesday Addams in the original “The Addams Family” sitcom, has died at the age of 64.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

In a new book, Robert Redford claims that he wore two pair of “tight underpants to protect himself” from Barbra Streisand during the sex scenes in the 1972 movie “The Way We Were” because she was “Infatuated” with him. He says Barbra wore a Bikini.

- Can it be that things were all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? If they had the chance to do it all again... Tell me, Would they? Could they?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a deal to write a new “Motivational” book.

- The working title is: “Work Hard: The Ultimate Guide to Having It MAID In The Shade!!!”

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The ladies of the View are known for erupting over a lot of topics... but Wednesday... they were left mostly speechless when it appeared that one of the co-hosts broke wind live-on the air while during a discussion of Secret Classified Documents.

- To be honest, it was the least offensive sound to come out of that show in a long, long time.

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A time out was called with 16:30 left in the second half of the Loyola Chicago-Duquesne college basketball game Wednesday night, when an Uber Eats delivery man WANDERED ONTO THE COURT with a bag full of McDonald’s burgers and a drink… looking for the guy who ordered it.

- The Refs ordered him to leave but not before they ended up with, Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions, and a Sesame Seed Bun all over the Basketball Court… not to mention all the Ketchup after he tried to Dunk a few Fries while he was looking for his customer.

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Google… who last week announced the lay off of 12,000 employees world wide, admitted that number includes 27 “In-House” massage therapists who will no longer be available for on-demand massages in Google’s California offices.

- Oh this is really gonna rub people the wrong way… (A little massage humor there… Very little!)

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Researchers say a Diet high in Fat and Junk Food actually “Rewires” the brain… and can reduce ability to regulate appetite and calorie consumption in as little as 10 days.

- Which is why I eat Potato Chips and Raisinettes for 9 days in a Row… have a Salad and a Piece of Salmon on Day 10… and then Start all over again!

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According to a new study, 58% of people agree that Bugs could become a legitimate meat alternative in the future.

- Is there anyway we could skip over eating the ACTUAL INSECTS and go right to the “PLANT-BASED” Bugs part??

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Sunday, Sheriff’s deputies in Albuquerque, NM arrested a man for running through the streets naked before jumping onto a crowded patio dining area.

- He was arrested for “Indecent Exposure"... but applauded by the restaurant staff for "leaving a nice tip".

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As of January 15th, is is now illegal to Smoke outdoors in Mexico - and lighting up in public squares, parks, sports stadiums and on beaches will now get you a ticket and a fine of up to $500.

- But on. a bright note, if you want to walk into the US with a backpack full of Fentanyl… you’re good to go!

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THIS JUST IN… The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed that Universal has cancelled production of it’s Movie based on Madonna’s decades-long music career. No reason has been given for the project being axed.

- Call me a conspiracy theorist… but I’m betting’ the FBI may be searching Madonna’s “Drawers” for Secret Classified Documents.

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As Egg prices continue to skyrocket, Egg smuggling cases have doubled at the US-Mexico border in the last month alone.

- Border Agents are Scrambling to get a handle on the situation.

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The Food and Drug Administration on Monday proposed treating COVID-19 vaccines like the annual flu shot.

- I didn’t see that one coming’… (Yeah, right!)

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Ghislaine Maxwell insisted in her first jail-house interview that, as a Vegan, the food she if offered to eat in Prison is “Tasteless”.

- Well, if anyone knows about “Tasteless”… it’s the woman who was in charge of filling Jeffrey Epstein’s Dance Card.

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The Prime Minister of Sweden is facing Political backlash after it was discovered that one of his top aides went Eel fishing - which is illegal in Sweden… and then lied to Police about it.

- The aide could not only face Prison time, but being Sweden… would face the added humiliation of having to put his own Jail Cell together using a kit from IKEA.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

We don’t even know who’s playing yet… but the average cost of a ticket to the Super Bowl is already $5,911 and the cheapest seat will set you back $4,489.

- But after his divorce from Gisele Bundchen, I think we can all agree - Tom Brady paid the most in an attempt to make it to the Super Bowl this year… and it turns out he’s not even going!!!

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Hollywood has largely come out in support of Alec Baldwin (BIG SURPRISE!) saying he shouldn’t be facing Involuntary Manslaughter charges in the accidental shooting death of the cinematographer on his movie set.

- Here’s an idea… At the Academy Awards, why don’t they just have Will Smith slap Alec, give ‘em both an Oscar and call it a day??

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Meanwhile, Alec’s wife Hilaria was ripped on Social Media for using a fake Spanish accent…AGAIN… when she asked photographers to give her family privacy after it was announced that Alec WILL FACE charges.

- The Baldwins seem confused… There lives would be so much easier if they used MORE fake BULLETS and FEWER fake ACCENTS.

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Police were called when a loose cow was spotted wandering outside an Olive Garden restaurant in OKLAHOMA.

- Turns out the Wind that Came Sweepin’ Down the Plain smelled like Veal Parmesan… and it turns out Cows LOVE Veal Parmesan! Who would have thunk it??

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A local police department in Rhode Island received a handwritten letter from a young girl asking them to run a DNA test on a partially eaten cookie she left out for Santa on Christmas Eve to prove that Santa is a “Real Person”.

- But the way the world is going, I’m afraid we’ll also find out that Santa is not only REAL, he’s also wanted at the North Pole for a series of robberies at the “Elegant Elves Small & Short Shoppe”.

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Doctors amputated the testicle of a young man who got clubbed in the groin by a police officer during a huge demonstration in Paris.

- Reminds me of that scene in Casablanca when Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman… “The Germans wore Grey… And parts of that young man were Black & Blue”. (Or something like that…)

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new survey found that office workers are at their most productive at 10:22 a.m. each morning but start to slump by 1:27 in the afternoon.

- So basically… I spent 45 years signing off 22 minutes BEFORE I peaked. Wow. The show could have been so much better if only we’d stayed on a few minutes longer!

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Temperatures in the world's coldest city - Yakutsk in east Siberia - have plummeted to -58 degrees Fahrenheit.

- But it’s a Dry Cold.

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Jennifer Lopez say she suffered from PTSD before her wedding to Ben Affleck last summer - because she was nervous it would "fall apart" like their engagement did back in 2004.

- I'm sure the soldiers who made it back from Vietnam, the Gulf War, Afghanistan, etc... can REALLY identify Jennifer’s trauma!

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Fresh off the finalization of his divorce from Kim Kardashian, Kanye “Ye” West 45 has married 27 year old Bianca Censori. Kanye may love her… but Kim is said to “Hate” her ex-husband’s new wife. (True)

- Kim went so far as to say Bianca is "Butt-Ugly"... and coming from Kim... that's a PRETTY BIG insult.

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Five Florida men are headed to Prison for stealing over $1.3 million of perfume from a warehouse in New Jersey.

- They were each sentenced to Chanel No. 5 to 10.

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According to new research, Protein-Rich “Beetle Burgers” - Patties made out of crushed beetles - could soon be a staple food all around the world.

- Yummy!

- I can hear it now… “You want FLIES with that?”

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20 year old Climate activist Greta Thunberg was detained by police during an anti-coal mining protest in a small German Village last weekend… telling the crowd, “Germany is really embarrassing itself right now”.

- Oh Greta… it takes A LOT more than that to embarrass Germany…. Like, for example, starting that little thing known as “World War II”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick