RIP… Chaim Topol, who played Tevye, the long-suffering and charismatic milkman and father of three daughters in Fiddler on the Roof has died at age 87 after a battle with Alzheimers.

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Novak Djokovic - the #1 Tennis Player in the World is STILL being denied entry to play in the US because he won't get a COVID Vaccine - despite President Biden declaring the Pandemic over months ago. Now Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis says he'll get Djokovic to Florida on a boat from the Bahamas to play in the Miami Open if he has to.

- Of course if he could just walk in from Mexico or hitch a ride on a Chinese Spy Balloon and there’d be no questions asked. But try to do it legally and NO CAN DO.

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The Government is warning US Citizens - including Spring Breakers - to avoid traveling to Mexico after four Americans were kidnapped and two killed after crossing the border last week.

- So parents, if you’re looking to send your kids somewhere safer for their Senior Trip… you might want to think about booking your student a flight to Ukraine!

*****

64-year-old Madonna has gone Instagram official with her new boyfriend, 29-year-old boxer Josh Popper.

- I don't mean to be judgmental... but these days Madonna’s “relationships” don’t last as long as her prescriptions for antibiotics.

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Congress is holding more hearings into the origins of COVID today ... in an attempt to finally get to the truth about how the COVID Pandemic started.

- Well you know what they say... If it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck... it's probably Sweet and Sour Duck!

*****

Two Georgia suspects were taken into custody for stealing thousands of dollars worth of electronic gaming systems after police surrounded them when they STOPPED TO CHARGE THEIR ELECTRIC GETAWAY CAR.

- If only all criminals were this Environmentally Conscious!

*****

One of the oldest men living in the U.S. had the celebration of a lifetime, ringing in his big 109th birthday with the help of a belly dancer!

- Well… actually it was a 99 year old female co-resident in his nursing home. And she wasn’t so much “Belly Dancing” as she was trying to make it to the Ladies Room due to an Incontinence issue, but still…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Polish wax museum is facing mockery over it’s less than Royal replicas of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

- It’s not TOO bad of Kate… but William looks like he’s a tad constipated.

- Time to spend some quality time on the Throne…

*****

Reaction to Tucker Carlson’s airing of parts of previously unseen footage from the J6 Protest at the Capitol brought swift reaction from pundits on the left who said he “cherry picked footage to fit the conservative narrative”.

- Well… What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!

*****

A new survey reveals that Men with mullets have more fun than those who don’t.

- Especially the ones at sporting events with the team name painted on their chests.

*****

A new study ranks Chicago as the best city for Creative-types.

- It's also a great choice if you're looking to be the victim of a drive-by or car-jacking!

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A Connecticut school lunch lady, 31, is charged with sexually assaulting a 14 year old male student after texting him saying "Wanna see something?" then bombarding him with nude photos of herself.

- Boy things sure have changed. In my day, the lunch ladies wore HAIR nets… now apparently… they wear FISH nets.

*****

According to a 2022 Gallup poll, 83% of U.S. adults say they keep their smartphone near them almost all the time during their waking hours.

- The other 17% (including me!) spend almost all of their waking hours trying to figure out where they LEFT their Smartphone the last time they set it down.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

After years of speculation by fans and the media alike, 77 year old Bette Midler finally admitted that she’s had some plastic surgery.

- When I saw Bette Midler at Pine Knob about 20 years ago… She came out for an Encore wearing nothing but a towel and high heels. She thanked the crowd, dropped the towel, and ran off stage. And trust me… after that… I could have told you what SHE just told you… 20 YEARS ago.

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The Royal Canadian Mounted Police were forced to issue a public reminder on "What Constitutes an Actual Emergency" after a Canadian woman called 911 to request assistance because of "a long line at the Burger King drive-thru".

- No offense to Burger King, but this sounds more like the long lines at Chick fil A.

- I guess "Special Orders" don't upset ‘ em at Burger King, but it does bother the folks at 911.

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THE RCMP said they've also gotten “Emergency calls” for people in need of a Zamboni to “Clear their ice”.

- They didn’t mention what the “Emergency” was specifically… but my guess is it involved one of two things: Either Hockey or Curling.

*****

A Thai drug lord has been busted despite getting plastic surgery while on the run to look like a “Handsome Korean man.”

- If that was his goal, he should have gone with the “Kim Jong Un” look!!

*****

Last week, Courtney Cox got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame... but David Schwimmer, Matthew Perry, and Matt LeBlanc her three male "Friends" co-stars were all no-shows, raising eyebrows.

- Well, everybody's eyebrows went up but Courtneys… that’s because from what I hear, she's had so much plastic surgery she has to call her assistant when she wants to blink.

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With the Oscars less than two weeks away, the Motion Picture Academy say celebs and viewers alike can rest easy as they have a “Crisis Team” in place to prevent another “Will Smith/Chris Rock Type Incident” from overshadowing this years ceremony.

- Great news! We won’t have a pesky slap to distract us from hearing all the riveting speeches about Climate Change, Personal Pronouns and Diversity.

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Kayla Lemieux, the allegedly transgender teacher in Canada who made international headlines for wearing giant, Z-Cup prosthetic breasts to school, has FINALLY been placed on Paid Leave - months after parents began complaining about the Shop Teacher's inappropriate outfits in the classroom.

- Lemieux says despite not working, "She" is "A lucky woman whose Cup runneth over".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

FBI director Christopher Wray Confirmed the Energy Departments conclusion that COVID “Most Likely” leaked from a lab in Wuhan and claims that China is “Thwarting and Obfuscating” U.S. investigations into the virus.

- So… this is new NEWS??? Isn’t this what a LOT of Americans have been saying for the LAST TWO YEARS???

*****

Meanwhile… China on Tuesday said it has been “Open and Transparent” in the search for the origins of COVID-19.

- And if we can't believe Communists... Who can we believe??

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Police in Missouri were called to a McDonald's last Thursday afternoon to deal with a man sitting at one of the restaurants tables... completely naked.

- Who are we to judge how a man enjoys his McNuggets?

*****

King Charles has reportedly kicked Harry and Meghan to the Curb... taking back "Frogmore Cottage" the home gifted to them by the Queen for their 2017 Wedding - and giving it instead to Charles disgraced brother Prince Andrew of Jeffrey Epstein infamy. Harry and Meghan are said to be "Shocked" and have until early summer to box up their stuff and move out.

- This is when Harry and Meghan are gonna find out who their REAL friends are... Oprah may seem like a real pal, but just wait til they ask her to fly over and help them move their couch.

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Speaking of Harry... According to a one of his Prep School friends, Prince Harry “hated Political Correctness” and “made jokes we are no longer allowed to make” before meeting the Ultra-Woke Meghan Markle.

- Oh yeah... I seem to remember something about a hotel room in Vegas and a Nazi Uniform.

*****

A new Harvard study suggests that men who wear hard hats may have higher levels of testosterone than their white-collar bosses.

- Did they really need a HARVARD Study to figure this out?? How about asking any woman who's ever walked by a construction site??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It's National Tooth Fairy Day! Which reminds me…

- ATTENTION : If you see an unidentified object flying through the air today… DO NOT SHOOT IT DOWN!!!!! It’s the Tooth Fairy carrying my Grandson Braydon’s Tooth that got knocked out in a sledding accident NOT a Chinese Spy Balloon!!!

*****

Researchers say that people who wish they were a few inches taller, are more likely to display “Dark” personality traits including Psychopathy and Narcissism

- Well, Joy Behar is 5’ 6” and Putin is 5’ 7”… So I guess it must be true.

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Nick Cannon - who has ___12_ kids by ___6__ different women said when it comes to deciding whether or not to have more kids, he's turning that decision over to God.

Come on Nick... Even GOD rested on the 7th day.

*****

A Chinese man has been found alive and well nine years after his family had him cremated following a car accident. Turns out he wasn’t even in the car when it crashed… and had been living down the street the whole time. He’s been reunited with his family, and officials are trying to determine whose ashes are in the family grave.

- His family says they’re “Thrilled he’s alive… but they still won’t give back the stuff they took from his house when they thought he was a gonner”.

*****

The author of a book about Meghan Markle's life before and after she met Prince Harry claims she was "Greatly surprised and disappointed" to find out that Prince Harry had "Very little money" (A paltry $10 MILLION) when they met - as she expected him to have "Hundreds of Millions"... and that the couple struggles to fund their current lifestyle.

- I'm not one for gossip, but I've heard they cut corners by using Oprah's Netflix Password.

*****

RIP… Colonel Clarence Harvey of the Salvation Army who died yesterday. He was the Colonel we started the Radiothon with back in 1987 and through the years became a good friend. Clarence was the real deal… Smart, tough, personable, funny… he even picked up the lunch check once when I forgot my credit card!! I was proud to work with him and even prouder to call him my friend. My thoughts and Prayers are with his wife Lois and his entire family.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

$1,888,503 MILLION Thanks!!!

Unbelievable! You did it again Detroit!!! Thanks to all of you who listened, streamed and most importantly donated to the 36th annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon on Friday!!! Thanks to your incredible generosity, we not only met, but exceeded this years goal of $1.8 MILLION - money that goes to work IMMEDIATELY helping people right here in our own community!!! Thousands of men, women and children will now get nutritious meals and have a safe, warm place to sleep... because of YOU!!! And a very special thanks to our sponsors The Ford Motor Company Fund, Edsel Ford Jr, The Dick & Gail Purtan Family Foundation (pardon the plug), Jack & Annette Aronson’s Garlic & Artichoke Foundation, and of course AM 760 WJR for hosting the Radiothon!

I had a great time co-hosting the 4-7 p-m slot with Guy Gordon and my daughter Jackie… plus four of my other daughters who called in and donated generously! Detroit's own Tim Allen even took a break from filming on the "Santa Claus" set to talk to us and donate an amazing $25,000!

I couldn't be prouder of the Salvation Army Bed & Bed Program... and the generous people who support it!! Thank you Detroit!!!

In other news…

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During an interview last week, President Biden joked that he’ll have to call his wife “to find out” if he’ll be running for re-election in 2024.

- All of the married guys in the country were like, "What do you mean he was "Joking"???"

*****

Trader Joe’s announced that they believe in the importance of Human Interaction and will NEVER cave to the "glitz and glamour" (??) of Self-Check-Out aisles like most other grocery stores.

- Cuz there's nothing more glamorous than dragging a 36-roll pack of toilet paper over a smudged piece of glass, with 10 people in line behind you while a light flashes and a computer voice announces to the whole store "HELP IS ON THE WAY...!"

*****

Royal Event planners are said to be in a panic after A-List celebs including Adele, Ed Sheeran, the Spice Girls and Sir Elton John have TURNED DOWN the invitation to perform at King Charles Coronation May 6th.

- At this point, they may have to bring in the Village People.

*****

RIP… Don Shane, longtime Channel 7 Sportscaster, who passed away in Los Angeles Friday at the age of 70. No cause of death has been given.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

PSSST…… TOMORROW (FRIDAY!!!) IS THE DAY!!!!

The 36th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon happens TOMMOROW, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24TH and can be heard LIVE on AM 760 WJR!!! This Is THE FUNDRAISER for this vital program that Feeds 3500 Men, Women and Children on the streets in and around Detroit 365 DAY A YEAR off the mobile Bed & Bread Trucks. And it provides a warm place for 200+ people to sleep each night! That comes out to nearly 1.3 million meals and more than 72,000 nights of safe shelter each year! But you can even get a head start by donating TODAY starting at 4pm!!!

We started the Radiothon back in 1987 with the hopes of giving something back to the community. That first year… we raised $15,000 in 4 hours and we were thrilled! This year… our goal is $1.8 MILLION - and with your continued support, I know we can do it!

You can donate two ways: Just call 833-SAL-HOPE (833) 725-4673 or text the word BREAD to 24365. You can even do it NOW! As they say… “Operators are standing by!”

The last several years have been a challenge for us all… none more so than those struggling just to get themselves and their families through another day in this especially cold, snowy and icy winter. That’s why the Salvation Army’s Bed & Bread Feeding and Sheltering Program is needed NOW more than EVER. The Bed & Bread Trucks are out delivering nutritious meals and hot beverages daily - no matter what the weather.

They say “Charity begins at home”… and with the Bed & Bread Club, every penny of every dollar you give goes straight to the people in need - in our own community. If you can find it in your heart - and your pocketbook - to donate to this most worthy of causes (and one that is so dear to my heart!) - it would be so appreciated.

A $120 donation feeds five people for nearly a month and designates you a member of the Bed & Bread® Club.

A $240 donation feeds ten people for nearly a month and solidifies you as a Double Bed & Bread® Club Member. You will also receive a limited-edition Bed & Bread Club® Radiothon 43" telescopic folding umbrella as a thank you gift.

At $255 or more you will receive the umbrella AND an umbrella will be donated to someone in need!

Hunger and homelessness do not take a day off, nor does The Bed & Bread® Club.

Jackie and I will on the air with Guy Gordon from 4pm to 7pm tomorrow night (Friday) as we wrap up the Radiothon. I hope you’ll tune in and give whatever you can!

After 45 years on the air here, I know one thing for sure: Detroiter’s take care of each other. It’s what makes me so proud of this city… and so proud of the Bed & Bed Program!!

-Dick

PS… You can watch a livestream of the Radiothon starting tomorrow morning (Friday) at 6am and running right up until we announce the total at 7pm by going to Salmich.org! Thank you!

A new bill introduced in Florida this week would make it illegal for dogs to stick their heads out of car window.

- Great. Now… Whose gonna tell the dogs??

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Heinz is trying to track down a man who claims he survived for nearly a month at sea in the Caribbean on nothing but ketchup, garlic powder and seasoning cubes. They say they want to buy the man, 47 year old Elvis Francois, a new boat but - even going door to door - have been unable to track him down.

- Apparently, Elvis has left the Building.

*****

Rapper 50 Cent has reached a settlement with a Florida Plastic Surgeon over claims he had penis enlargement surgery. The female surgeon posted a pic of herself and the rapper on Instagram implying that she’d performed the surgery on him… which he vehemently DENIES despite the settlement.

- I think if any Rapper would have gone for that type of surgery it would have been the late, “Biggie Smalls”.

- You know, it takes a lot of nerve to stand up and admit you had you picture taken with a Penis Enhancement Surgeon.

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Rihanna’s dad reportedly found out that she was pregnant while watching her perform during the Super Bowl halftime show.

- He's hoping she'll hold her “Gender Reveal Party” at the Indy 500 because he’s planning on watching that too.

This reminds me of (another!) personal story… Some years ago I Emceed an event at a Sports Banquet at Cobo Hall that featured race car driver Mauri Rose. Mauri won 3 Indy 500 Races in the 1940’s.

Now when I was a kid, my Dad told me a number of times that HE had WON the Indy 500 THREE times.

I looked it up, and back in those days, the driver and his mechanic rode in the car together - like you’ve seen in the old movies. So I started thinking maybe he didn’t actually win as the DRIVER but won as MAURI’s MECHANIC!!! And here was my opportunity to confirm my Dad’s story after all these years!!

So before the Banquet, I went up to Mauri, and told him the story my Dad had told me. He looked at me and said… “What was your Dad’s name?”. I said “Paul or Joe Purtan… Either one, He used both names”. He smiled and said, “Never heard of him”.

I guess my Dad just forgot the “Mechanic” part of the story.

*****

Police in Hollywood got a call on Sunday from a man threatening to blow the famous Hollywood sign to smithereens with pipe bombs -- unless - that is - he was paid a WHOPPING $10,000. The only problem was… the man called his demand to the cops in Hollywood, FLORIDA.

- This sounds like the plot of a Dr. Evil/Dumb & Dumber Bromantic Comedy.

*****

Liam Neeson says a recent appearance on “The View” where Joy Behar admitted that she has a thing for him and want’s “Her ashes sprinkled over him” made him uncomforfortable.

- Talk about a fate worse than death.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s Paczski Day! aka FAT TUESDAY! I’m sorry… I understand the latest rule from the Woke World is we can’t say “Fat” so… It’s “Plus-Size Tuesday!”

*****

Speaking of the “F” word…

Critics are accusing the publisher of Roald Dahl’s children’s books of censorship for removing colorful language from books like “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” to make them "more acceptable". For example, Augustus Gloop, in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” is no longer “enormously fat,” he’s just “enormous”.

- So “ixnay” the “fat” part.

And in order to be “Gender Neutral”… the Oompa Loompas are no longer “Small men” they are “Small People”.

- I thought Size Didn’t Matter!?!?!?

*****

President Biden met with the President of Poland in Warsaw this morning and told him that he grew up "surrounded by so many Polish immigrants in his Delaware neighborhood" that he "wanted to add 'ski' to his last name".

- Between claiming he was raised by Puerto Ricans, in a Black Church, as an Irish Catholic... among Poles... I'm beginning to think Biden's NOT from DELAWARE... He's from EPCOT at Disneyworld.

*****

Don Lemon will return to the CNN morning show on Wednesday after shooting himself in the foot with his “A woman past her 20’s, 30’s, or MAYBE her 40’s is PAST HER PRIME” comments last week… BUT he will be required to undergo unspecified “Formal Training”.

- Just a thought here... but I suggest the "Training" should be Tag Teamed by two very strong women who, according to Don, are “Past their Prime”… Judge Judy and Dr. Ruth.

- Or put him in a room with my daughters for an hour. His choice.

*****

Finally, some feminists organizations are urging the Biden administration to "abandon plans" to allow biological males to share locker rooms with women and compete in women's sports… saying it “Unfairly Penalizes” female athletes.

- EXACTLY!!!! It PENAL-izes them!!!

*****

According to a new poll, 4 in 10 adults admit they have agreed to go home with a potential date specifically to meet that person’s pet.

- These days, everybody wants to date someone with a pet chicken so they can get some free eggs.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Presidents Day! The Day we honor those who many people consider the two Greatest Presidents in the History of the US: Abraham Lincoln whose birthday is Feb. 12th and George Washington who was born on Feb. 22nd.

How do we celebrate President’s Day?? By getting a GREAT DEAL ON A NEW MATTRESS AT GARDNER WHITE!!!!!!

*****

All kidding aside, our thoughts and Prayers are with former President Jimmy Carter and his family as it was announced that the 39th Commander in Chief of the US has entered hospice care. At 98 years old, Carter is the longest living President in US History.

*****

The Canadian teacher “Kayla Lemieux”, a man who began identifying as a woman last September and went viral for wearing huge, Z-cup prosthetic breasts to school… now claims the breasts are “Real” and the result of a rare genetic condition.

- I’m no Doctor, but I believe the Medical term for Gigantic Boobs on a man is “Chesticles”.

*****

In honor of Presidents Day, a company that specializes in “Memorial Spaceflights” announced plans to send hair samples from George Washington, John F. Kennedy, Dwight Eisenhower and Ronald Reagan into Space on a rocket next year.

- They were going to send it up this week… but they were afraid the Government might go crazy and shoot the rocket down.

*****

A long-lost letter from George Washington - where he is trying to sell land for cash in 1787 - hints at the first president’s financial woes, and it is expected to fetch $50,000 at auction.

- Too bad he didn’t think of selling the LETTER at the time!! He could have gotten the CASH and kept the LAND!!!

*****

Get Better… Tom Sizemore… The 61 year old actor, born in Detroit, best known for his work in “Saving Private Ryan” who is in Critical Condition after suffering a Brain Aneurysm over the weekend.

RIP… Richard Belzer… The comedian and actor best known for his 23 year run on the "Law & Order" TV Shows has died at age 78. No cause of death given.

RIP… Stella Stevens… Co-star of movies including the “Nutty Professor” with Jerry Lewis and the “Poseidon Adventure” has died at the age of 84 after a battle with Alzheimers. I met Stella twice - both memorable. As I mentioned on the radio show a couple of times, I interviewed her on the air in Cincinnati once - and after the show (I signed off at 3pm) she asked me out for a drink. I nervously explained that I couldn’t as my wife, Gail and baby daughter, Jennifer were on their way to the station to pick me up.

The second timeI was at Channel 4 in Detroit… and unbeknownst to me, Stella was there promoting a play. Alan Frank, who was General Manager of 4 at the time had heard me tell my “Stella Story” on the air before and decided to “recreate” the moment. So i’m sitting in his office, and all of a sudden the door opens up and there stands Stella Stevens. This is 20 years later mind you. I look at her and I say “Stella!” And she just smiles.

Did she remember me? I have no idea. But I doubt it.

Did I go out for a drink with her?

Not that time, either.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

RIP… Raquel Welch... the legendary actress of film, tv and stage who passed away yesterday at age 82 after a brief illness.

*****

80 year old President Biden will head to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland for a Physical Exam Thursday, ahead of an expected announcement that he will seek a second term in the White House.

- He's also expected to undergo a Colonoscopy in the coming weeks to check for Polyps... and Secret Classified Documents.

*****

The White House says they will release a “Written Summary” of the doctors report on the President’s health later this afternoon.

- I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say the report is going to say he’s in better shape than Tom Brady.

*****

Pharma giant Pfizer/Viatris - maker of Viagra - announced that they will SUSPEND SHIPMENT of the drug to Russia do to Putin’s ongoing war against Ukraine.

- Well Vlad’s gonna be up in arms about that… but apparently that’s about it.

- NOTE: Pfizer formed “Viatris” when they merged Mylan and “Upjohn”… Coincidence???

*****

Yesterday, CNN's Don Lemon - who recently screamed at and made his co-host Kaitlyn Collins cry - claimed that Nikki Haley, who is running for President is "Past her Prime" as a woman. Why? Because she’s not in her "20's, 30's or 40's".

- Oh... that's not gonna go over well with the ladies. Not that that's gonna affect Don's dance card on Saturday night.

****

White House Officials now say that many of the “mysterious” objects in the sky could be “Benign crafts and NOT aliens visiting earth or spy satellites”… or even… Wait for it… “USED CAR LOT BALLOONS”.

- You know, when I woke up this morning I thought I lived in the USA. But it turns out, I'm living in a Comic Book.

*****

A Eurasian eagle owl who escaped from the Central Park Zoo in New York earlier this month is now hunting for his own food.

- If he was as "Wise" as they say, he'd set up camp outside a "HOO-ters".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As the Spartan Community continues to reel from the horrific events of Monday night... I have to say, on a personal note, as a Father and Grandfather, like all of you - I am devastated.

Four of my Grandchildren - JoAnne's daughter Lauren & son Adam, and Jessica's sons Preston & Jack are students at MSU and were on campus when the shots rang out. Jack - a sophomore - was in the Union - just 20 feet away from where the gunman stood when Jack heard what he thought was something falling or breaking. If only that had been the case. Instead we have three dead, and five others fighting for their lives in Sparrow Hospital.

And here we are. Just 15 months after Oxford. And, of course, all the other tragedies - the names... the tears... the memorials... Again.

*****

And now for a look at a lighter side of the news…

For the first time since the Bureau of Labor started keeping stats in 1980, a dozen eggs now cost MORE than a pound of BEEF.

- So many people are eating beef, some Chickens have started laying Hamburgers to try keep up with demand.

*****

A new study explains that morning gym-goers reap slightly more rewards and burn more calories than those who workout later in the day.

- And SIGNIFICANTLY more than those who put if off all day... and then decide not to go at all.

*****

When asked about President Biden's communication style during the White House press briefing Tuesday, Karine Jean Pierre said President Biden is "The best communicator in the White House".

- Isn’t that kind of like saying Harpo was the most “Talkative” of the Marx Brothers??

*****

Researchers from the National Institutes of Health say they are closer to approving a Fast-Acting MALE Birth Control Pill that Starts working within 30 minutes and “Stops Swimmers for a full 24 hours".

- Well if it doesn't work out for Birth Control, we could aways use it against our competitors at the next Olympics.

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Insiders at the World Health Organization (WHO) say there will be NO FURTHER INVESTIGATION INTO THE ORIGINS OF COVID. Why, you ask? Well apparently it's because "The Chinese aren't being cooperative".

- Well okay then. I guess we'll just have to let it go...

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Prayers for the three MSU students who tragically lost their lives, the 5 still fighting for theirs, and all those whose world has been forever altered by yet another senseless act of violence - this time, like Oxford… so close to home…on the campus of Michigan State. Our hearts are with each of them and their families as they try to comprehend the incomprehensible.

Hug your kids and I’ll see you back here tomorrow.

-Dick

HAIL TO THE CHIEFS!!!

What a game!!! One of the best Super Bowls in a long time… MVP Kansas City QB Patrick Mahomes - on a bad ankle - and the Chiefs came back from a ten point deficit in the second half to defeat the Philadelphia Eagles 38-35. It was the Chiefs 2nd Super Bowl Bowl win in 4 years!

*****

Immediately after the crushing loss, Eagles fans flooded the streets of Philadelphia, scaling lampposts, hurling bottles and chanting “F*** the Chiefs”. Police and SWAT teams made several arrests.

- And that’s why they call it “The City of Brotherly Love”.

*****

It’s been reported that each 30 second commercial during Super Bowl LVII cost companies $7 MILLION up from 6.5 MILLION a year ago

- But Super Bowl ads are still cheaper than a dozen eggs.

*****

Hip-Hop star Rhianna brought a special guest to her halftime show… her unborn baby! The 9-time Grammy Award winner revealed a prominent “Baby Bump” under her red latex outfit - announcing to the world that she and boyfriend A$AP Rocky are expecting their second child.

- If she can lip sync the labor pains as well as she did the performance… I don’t think she’ll need an epidural.

*****

To this day, the group that holds the record for the most performances at a Super Bowl Halftime Show is… UP WITH PEOPLE… who performed at the Big Game in 1971, ‘76, ‘80, ‘82, and ‘86.

- If you don’t remember “Up with People” …was like “Donny & Marie” on steroids.

*****

George Toma, the 94 year old official NFL Groundskeeper was trashed on social media after both Super Bowl teams struggled to keep their feet on the ground without slipping during yesterdays game.

- Hey… He’s 94. They’re lucky he wasn’t yelling at the players, “Hey kids… Get off my lawn!”

*****

Tom Brady sent out a tweet before the game yesterday - his first Super Bowl since retiring (for real this time) from the NFL indicating that he was at a bit of a loss. He wrote, "I’m not sure what to do with my hands,"

- Well, Tom, if you had stayed retired the first time and thus stayed married to Gisele, you wouldn’t be wondering about that right now.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Pentagon now says that the Chinese Spy Balloon is part of a “Larger Spy Effort” on China’s part.

- Part II will have some guy dressed up like Ed McMahon showing up at the Front Door of the White House with a big check and a bunch of Spy Balloons, telling the Prez that he won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

*****

Madonna lashed out at those who criticized the “work” she’s had done on her face after video of her at Sunday night’s Grammy’s left viewers shocked. She blamed “Ageism and Misogeny” and “Photos taken with a long lens camera that would distort anyone’s face!”.

- On “The View” it’s known as the “Joy Behar Cam”.

PS… I had a shot of me taken like that by a photographer from People Magazine one time when they did a story on the Radio show. I was in the foreground and I looked like a fish with a mustache. I didn’t blame it on “Ageism and Misogyny”…. I blamed it on what it really was… REALITY!!

*****

Florida led the world in “unprovoked” shark bites in 2022 — accounting for 28% of all global attacks.

- Are there a lot of “Provoked” shark attacks??

- Seriously… Are there a bunch of people who go swimming in the ocean and say, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s body surf for a while…. then provoke a couple sharks… then maybe grab some lunch”.

*****

According to a new Free Speech Survey, a majority of College Students are afraid to express their views in class.

- Including THE Ohio State University… Thus, we wrote a song for them that we played every year before the Michigan-OSU game. Here’s a sample of the lyrics…

“They say the girls… who go… to OSU…. are husband hunting dames…

They dig the jocks…who got… the killer instinct… not the boys with Brains!!!

At Columbus… You’re way ahead! With Straight A’s in Physical Ed!

Down with Ohio State! It’s a No Nothin’ Party School!”

*****

48 year old Leo DiCaprio - who famously only dates women 25 years old or younger - was roasted online this week over an alleged romance with a model who’s just 19. That means Leo’s girlfriend was born 7 years AFTER the movie “Titanic” came out.

- His “Heart May Go On”… but if he keeps dating teenagers… he’s gonna need Viagra to keep everything else afloat.

*****

A new horror movie "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey" opens in theaters next week... It follows Pooh and Piglet who have become "bloodthirsty murderers" as they terrorize a bunch of college co-eds and a grown-up Christopher Robin.

- Sounds like the feel-good movie of year!! I hope it’s a MUSICAL!!!!!

- What’s next? "The Cat In The Hat Sticks an Ax in Their Backs"??

*****

The Oscar winning movie “La La Land” is in development to become a Broadway Musical.

- If they're looking to make Movies into musicals… might I suggest, the “The Godfather”? I always thought that scene where Luca Brasi gets garroted with piano wire could use a nice song and dance number.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Pundits are betting that President Biden was previewing the slogan for his 2024 Presidential run during his State of the Union last night when he repeatedly said "Let's Finish the Job".

- He talked for an hour and 13 minutes. By the end I was like... "Let's Just Finish the Speech!"

*****

First Lady Jill Biden and Kamala Harris’s husband Doug Emhoff raised eyebrows at last nights State of the Union when they shared a full-on kiss on the lips before the President’s Address.

- I’ll admit I was shocked. But that’s because I thought Emhoff was Bill O’Reilly!

*****

An 82-year-old woman was pronounced dead at a New York nursing home but found to be alive three hours later at the funeral home where she had been taken.

- Start Spreading the News! I’m Breathing Today!!! I want to be a part of it! New York New York!!!

*****

A Swiss baker earned a Guinness World Record at a wedding fair by creating the world's largest "Wearable Dress" made out of Cake. The edible outfit which weighs 289 pounds and 13 ounces.

- Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't women usually AVOID cake so they can fit INTO their Wedding Dress??

*****

A record 50.4 million adults in the United States -- roughly 20% of the population -- are expected to bet approximately $16 billion on Super Bowl LVII.

- And that number goes up to $20 BILLION if your factor in Pete Rose and Denny McLain’s wagers.

*****

Researchers say they've narrowed down the most stressful time of the day... and that time is: 7:23am.

- Which is why I always set MY alarm for 7:24!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Tom Brady posted a pic on Social Media of himself sitting on the corner of his bed wearing nothing but a pair of his “Brady Brand” underwear.

- I’m no divorce lawyer… but when it came to splitting things up, I think Tom should have gotten all the Jerseys and Gisele should have gotten all the under-things.

*****

President Biden will deliver his State of the Union Address tonight at 9pm.

- Joe says he plans to keep it short as he usually likes to stay home on Tuesday nights and order Chinese.

*****

Meanwhile… While China continues to insist that the Spy Balloon the US shot down over the Atlantic off the coast of S. Carolina Saturday “accidentally veered off course” - they are also claiming that a SECOND Chinese Balloon currently flying over Central America was ALSO “ thrown off course by weather”.

- Right… I wouldn’t count on them coming clean about the Balloons anytime soon… I think this is what’s known as an “Ancient Chinese Secret"!!!

- Ironically, the Balloons are the first things to arrive in the U.S. marked "Made in China" that didn't stop working five minutes after they showed up.

*****

A Japanese zoo said it has solved the mystery of a Gibbon who became pregnant while living ALONE in an enclosure… with NO MALES allowed in or out. Turns out there was a small hole in a board at the back of the enclosure which a male Monkey who lived nearby “Used to his advantage”.

- Zookeepers said, “By George, he’s not only Curious, he’s Creative!!!”

*****

JLo and Ben Affleck appeared to be in a bit of a tiff during the Grammys Sunday night… and the tabloids hired “Expert Lip Readers” to study the video. They say JLo told a bored looking Ben to “Stop” and “Look more friendly”. And an annoyed Ben responded, “I might”.

- But no worries! It’s to be expected!!! I mean THINK ABOUT IT!!!! They got married LAST JULY!! (True!!!) It’s the 7 MONTH ITCH!!!!

*****

Scientists from the Korea Research Institute of Chemical Technology are developing 100% biodegradable, environmentally-friendly paper straws that don’t get soggy.

- Forget straws… Can’t they figure out a way to keep Cereal from getting soggy the second you pour milk on it??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you b ack here Wednesday!

-Dick

The U.S. military shot down the suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been flying across the country for days. The Chinese said it was just a “Civilian Airship that accidentally drifted off course”.

- Of course if was!! Kind of like Covid was just a Civilian Virus that accidentally drifted out of that lab in Wuhan.

*****

The balloon was reportedly shot down by a single missile fired from a US fighter jet.

- But today… is National Chop Sticks Day (True!) so it’s POSSIBLE that instead of a missile, we brought down the balloon using a Giant Chop Stick.

*****

Dr. Anthony Fauci is facing backlash after it was revealed that he is charging up to $100,000 for speaking engagements. Fauci is described by his agent agent as "A man who can alter the course of Human Existence”

- It's true. Fauci's like a really short Super Hero... He flies in, saves the day... and people are like "Who was that Masked Man??"

*****

Madonna was all but unrecognizable at last night's Grammy Awards... with fans flooding social media with concerns that she might have finally had too much plastic surgery on her face.

- How tight is her skin? Let's just say when she tried to smile, her panty hose rode up and accidentally gave her a wedgie.

*****

A new study claims drivers of Mini Coopers have higher IQs than everyone else on the road… while owners of Land Rovers, Fiats, and BMWs were found to have lower than average IQ scores.

- If owning a Mini Cooper means you’re smart… I’m gonna do one better and get me one of those MAXI-Coopers! Then I can join Mensa!!!

*****

A growing number of lawmakers, business leaders, and academics are pushing for the U.S. to embrace a 4-day work week...that would allow employees to work 32 hours instead of 40 without losing any pay or benefits.

- So far, the only company against it is the T.G.I.F. Restaurant Chain which says it doesn’t want to have to pay to re-do all of its signs to read "Thank God It's Thursday".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

Dick

Punxsutawney Phil saw his Shadow… meaning six more weeks of Winter...

AGAIN…

SERIOUSLY…

FOR REAL…

PHIL’S NOT KIDDING THIS TIME…

STAY TUNED…

*****

A UK man flying to Ibiza to help get over a recent breakup from his girlfriend was arrested after attacking flight staff who told him he was too drunk to board the plane.

- And unfortunately the entire flight ended up being cancelled since he was, you know, the Pilot.

*****

A man looking for "treasure" with a metal detector ended up finding a priceless artifact... A gold heart shaped pendant given by Henry the VIII to Catherine of Aragon to celebrate their marriage - his first of six.

- Catherine is said to have loved the necklace... telling her Ladies-in-Waiting, “He went to the Tower of London Jared!!!!"

- Even so, unlike Henry’s second wife Anne Boleyn, Catherine wasn’t HEAD over heels with Henry.

*****

Porn Star Ron Jeremy, who is locked up while awaiting trial on Sexual Assault charges, is reportedly so senile… he believes he’s “Shooting sex scenes with ‘Naughty Nurses’ at the psychiatric hospital where he’s being held.

- When I think "Naughty Nurse" and "Psychiatric Hospital" I usually think Nurse Ratched in "One Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest" NOT "Bi-Polar Panty Raid ". (Btw… Nurse Ratched was played by Louise Fletcher - who passed away last September 23rd).

*****

A woman in Seattle returned to her home Friday night to find a broken window… and a fully clothed man taking a bath in her bathroom.

- She called the cops who arrived before he was able to make a clean getaway. (Ba da Boom!)

*****

74 year old Ozzie Osbourne announced that due to ongoing health battles, he is cancelling the remainder of his scheduled concert dates and retiring from the road.

- Put another way... "Bat's all Folks!"

*****

A man in Singapore is suing a woman for $2.3 MILLION after she turned down a date with him and said she “just wants to be friends”. He says the rejection caused “Damage to his Stellar Reputation” along with “Trauma, Depression and Impact to his Life”.

- If men could sue every time a woman turned ‘em down for a date... Big Al would own "Twitter" right now instead of Elon Musk. (Just kidding Al…!)

*****

A Gas station attendant in Mobile, Alabama called the Cops after he found a human Penis lying on the ground near one of the gas pumps. Police have begun an investigation but say at this time, “There is nothing to indicate Foul Play”.

- EXCUSE ME????? No "FOUL PLAY"???

- Do they think someone just bought it at “Bed, Bath, Penises, and Beyond”???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

BREAKING NEWS… TOM BRADY IS RETIRING…

AGAIN…

SERIOUSLY…

FOR REAL…

HE’S NOT KIDDING THIS TIME…

STAY TUNED…

*****

After 3500 episodes dealing with everything from marital strife to addiction interventions to mother-in-law troubles… The “Dr. Phil” show is coming to an end this Spring after 21 seasons.

- I did a phone interview with Dr. Phil one time… To be honest, he didn’t seem like he was in a very good mood. Maybe he was having some Marital Strife… Or addiction issues… Or Mother-in-law troubles… You think?? I mean, he’s only human!

*****

Major airlines including JetBlue, Virgin Atlantic, and Delta have begun altering their uniform policies for pilots and flight attendants, with many now allowing employees to choose between Women's or Men's uniforms regardless of their biological gender.

- So if your flight attendant offers you “Coffee, Tea or ME??” you might want to make sure “She” doesn’t have an extra “Carry on” under her skirt that you’re unaware of.

*****

The Tennessee cop fired for having kinky sex with Multiple Officers WHILE ON DUTY told investigators she “cracked” while going through a difficult divorce.

- Tom Brady went through a “Difficult Divorce” - and he may have lost many MILLIONS of dollars in the process and didn’t even end up going to the Super Bowl again… but he DIDN’T sleep with a bunch of other players DURING ONE OF THE GAMES!!!

*****

According to a new survey, 1 in 5 employees “Hate” their work environment.

- And that number goes WAY UP if you poll the people who work in Kamala Harris’s office.

*****

A new study says Chimpanzee Teens may not be so different from the human kind… claiming that teen chimps experience the same rapid hormone changes, increased aggression, and competition for social status as typical high school students.

- And, like teen boys, teen Chimps like to Monkey around.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick