Red Lobster abruptly shut down 50 locations nationwide after last summer’s “Endless Shrimp” promotion took a huge financial toll on the company.

- Customers of the chain are devastated… with one saying he, “Felt like I just took a kick to my Cheddar Bay Biscuits”.

*****

Secretary of State Anthony Blnken is taking heat for the Biden Administration’s decision to issue an official statement of condolence on the death of the President of Iran. The so-called “Butcher of Tehran” was killed in a Helicopter crash over the weekend and many in this country have taken offense to our country offering our condolences to a mass murderer.

- In his defense, Blinken said the State Dept. was doing some Spring Cleaning and were just trying to get rid of the the “Thinking of You” Notes they had left over from the ones they sent to the bin Laden family a few years back.

*****

Shocking new video captured the moment part of a Delta plane exploded and caught as it landed in Seattle on its way from Cancun, Mexico last week.

- Well, everyone on board having eaten Mexican food explains the EXPLOSION part… but investigators are still trying to figure out what caused the Fire.

**********

The Chairman of the Federal Insurance Deposit Corporation - the FDIC - says he’ll step down after reports surfaced of Senior Agents sending pics of their manhood to female employees.

- Well… I always wondered what they meant by, “Member FDIC.”

*****

Rapper Cardi B revealed during a recent interview that she doesn’t plan to endorse President Biden in the 2024 election.

- I appreciate her input… but I’m gonna hold off making my final decision on who to vote for unti my Favorite rappers Meghan Thee Stallion and Nicky Minaj weigh in on Economic policy.

*****

Serial Guinness World Record-breaker David Rush recaptured one of his former titles by snapping 110 pencils in one minute.

- “Pencil-Snapping” seems like one of those Rare Professions where you’re ultimate Goal is to earn the rank of “Number 2”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

I heard about the “Northern Lights” coming out this past weekend and I thought how bout that… another new light beer. Then I saw these pics from Norway and around the world… Wow!

*****

The City of San Francisco is providing free beer and vodka shots to homeless alcoholics at taxpayer expense under a little-known pilot program that will cost tax payers $5 MILLION.

- So they’re not just “Lowering the Bar” in San Francisco... They’re actually making it an “Open Bar”!!

- If Karl Malden were alive today and knew this what was going on, on "The Streets of San Francisco" he's snub his nose at it... And that's a pretty big nose!

*****

A new survey finds that most borrowers delay major life events like getting married and buying a house... because of their Student Loan Debt.

- But the number one event they delay? Paying OFF their Student Loan Debt.

*****

A recent study finds that feelings of loneliness can cause an intense desire for sugary foods.

- That, according to researcher, Lorna Doone.

*****

A new report says that Kentucky Derby winner Mystik Dan will run in the Preakness, keeping his Triple Crown hopes alive.

- There are even rumors swirling, that if the Preakness goes well, the Dems may pull Biden out at the Convention and nominate Derby winner Mystic Dan to run as the their Nominee for President.

*****

A Wisconsin man had to have have 4 inches of his intestine surgically removed after he accidentally swallowed a wire grill brush while eating a steak.

- The doctor said swallowing a grill brush bristle is “Rare”… but that the surgery was “Well Done”. (Ba da Boom!)

*****

During the month of May, Camel riding is such a popular pastime in China’s Kumtag Desert that local authorities use Special Camel Traffic Lights to avoid traffic jams.

- It’s really hard to build up any momentum what with all the Speed Humps.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

After a crazy day of testimony Tuesday, Stormy Daniels is back on the stand for another round of questioning in the Trump hush money trial today.

- This is new territory for Stormy… She doesn’t usually get asked for a 2nd Date.

*****

In an effort to be "More inclusive"... The Boy Scouts of America is changing its name... and will now be known as "Scouting America"... and will welcome "All Young People in America".

- So listen up, Boys: Apparently "Be Prepared" now means... "Be Prepared to go Camping Girls... or at least Boys DRESSED UP like Girls".

*****

A new study found that when breastfeeding Moms used Cannabis, its psychoactive component THC showed up in their Breast Milk.

- Which explains why instead of "Ma Ma" and "Da Da" more and more babies first words these days are "Cheech" and "Chong".

*****

The season five trailer for the reality TV show “The Kardashians” was released Wednesday morning.

- Between the Botox, Silicone and Butt Implants... isn't it kind of an Oxymoron to call ANY series that features the Kardashians a "REALITY" Show??

*****

The man who ran on stage and tackled Dave Chappelle with a knife two years ago has SUED the Hollywood Bowl and its security team, alleging "negligent security and battery".

- So he's basically suing the Security Team for making it too easy for him to commit a crime??? Got it!

*****

RFK Jr. lit the internet on fire this week when he said that doctors told him they'd found a dead worm in his brain - that had eaten part of it before it died.

- Which makes him different than most politicians. At least he had a brain to start with.

*****

Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg has a new $300 MILLION Mega-Yacht. The world’s fourth richest Man - also owns a $70 MILLION private jet and a $5 MILLON Helicopter.

- And they were all paid for by the pictures of your Dogs, Cats, Kids and Casseroles we've posted over the years! Congratulations!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

During salacious and highly controversial testimony yesterday, Stormy Daniels claimed that during her "encounter" with Trump, he wore a t-shirt and boxer shorts and had Old Spice in his toiletry bag.

- Hold on a second... I don't think Stormy was with Trump. I think she actually was with MY FATHER!

*****

Tom Selleck is worried he will no longer be able to afford his plush 63-acre California ranch once “Blue Bloods” comes to an end this winter.

- I don’t know if Tom’s heard about it… but there’s this thing called a “Reverse Mortgage” where he could actually KEEP his ranch!!!

*****

A new study finds that major cities worldwide face a destructive invasion by Termites.

- They Woodn't dare!!!

*****

A new survey finds that high interest rates coupled with inflation - means most Americans no longer believe they can afford to buy a home.

- But, interestingly, it seems like an awful lot of College Students have the cash to spend on a brand new Tent!

*****

A faulty dishwasher forced the interruption of an Orchestra Concert in Hamburg, Germany.

- Luckily, there was minimal water damage to the Concert Hall… Mostly in the Bach.

*****

Norwegian Cruise Lines is teaming up with a Nudist-Based Travel Company to offer an 11-day Cruise in the Buff. The “Bare-A-dise Nude Cruise” sets sail from Miami in 2025 - with stops in the Caribbean.

- They say it’ll be just like their regular cruises… it’ll just be easier to spot the Lifeboats & Dingies on board.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Big Day in the Trump Trial today... Adult film star Stormy Daniels took the stand looking like, what one person in the courtroom described as, "looking like she just rolled out of bed".

- So... She went to court directly from work?

- Trump is hoping her testimony won’t be as Stormy as her name.

*****

Ready for this? A new survey out of the UK finds that a full 24% of Gen Zer's (those who turn 12 to 27 in 2024) HAVE NEVER ANSWERED THEIR PHONES. When asked what they do when it rings... they said they simply ignore it.

- Question: Then why do they all HAVE phones??? Don't they already have COMPUTERS? And they already don't have to answer them, right???

*****

A new report claims that Kentucky Derby winner Mystik Dan might be skipping the Preakness Stakes.

- What are the odds??

*****

South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem who was roasted for admitting she put down her families dog after it killed chickens on their farm - says she would also put down President Biden’s troubled dog Commander.

- She sounds like a no-nonsense gal. If I were President Biden... I wouldn't let her anywhere near Commander. Or Hunter for that matter.

****

Big traffic delays on a Wisconsin highway last week when an 18 wheeler overturned spilling beer onto the roadway. Police shared photos on social media showing the semi-truck on its side with cases of Miller High Life.

- If only the beer had been on tap instead of bottles... the police could have posted some "MUG Shots".

*****

Whoopi Goldberg admits in her upcoming memoir, “Bits and Pieces” that she once had a serious addiction to Cocaine... but says the only drug she messes with anymore is “Pot”.

- Seriously?? With some of the stuff she says, I'd swear she's smoking somethin' stronger than "Wacky Tabacky".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Congratulations to “Mystik Dan” who won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday...

Seems like just yesterday I was playing his hits, "Do it Again", "Reelin' in the Years" and, of course "Rikki, Don't Lose that Number". No wait… I think that was “Steely Dan”. I never could get the artists straight.

*****

Juan Merchan - The Judge in Trump’s Hush Money Trial - just fined him another $1000 for violating the Gag Order in place against him (his 10th violation) and warned that any further violations will likely result in jail time.

- But I mean what are the chances the Don’s gonna do it again?? 🍿🍿🍿

*****

New York City Mayor Eric Adams plans to implement what critics claim is a “hidden tax” that would make water bills soar 8.5% for homeowners.

- On a bright note... With inflation so high, there are NO homeowners in NYC!

*****

Madonna raised eyebrows - AGAIN - by "simulating adult activity" on stage with a female back-up singer during a concert in Brazil. The concert was live-streamed to millions for FREE as a "Thank you" from Madonna... but many were upset with what one called the raunchy "Girl-on-Girl display".

- Well you know Madonna. She's always rubbing somebody the wrong way.

*****

According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, 78% of American adults say social media sites like Twitter and Instagram have too much influence on Politics.

- But the other 22% saw an Ad Facebook that assured them that’s not True.

*****

Four Zebras broke loose from the trailer they were being transported in on a highway near Seattle.

- I’m no conspiracy theorist… but something tells me this story isn’t as Black and White as it seems.

- Read between the lines…

*****

A Welsh lawmaker is trying to make it illegal for politicians to lie.

- So... All they have to do now is get all the Lawmakers to agree to Vote YES on Something that Makes it ILLEGAL for THEMSELVES to LIE???

- No problem!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new poll reveals that Seasonal Allergies have prevented 49% of respondents from spending time outdoors within the past year.

- Speaking of Seasonal Allergies… It’s May 1st! time to pull out all of my Pollen Decorations!!

- I don’t have the Best Allege Decorations in the neighborhood… but they’re nothing to Sneeze at, either!

*****

Beginning July 6th, all new cars and trucks sold within the European Union and Northern Ireland will be required to have technology to let drivers know they are speeding.

- That’s right, starting July 6th… Everybody gets a Wife!

*****

A new study claims that beverage giants Coke and Pepsi are driving the worldwide plastic crisis… with 8 MILLION TONS of Plastic ending up in the Oceans every year.

- And that’s just when Pam Anderson and Cher go swimming off the coast of Malibu.

*****

While celebrating 39 years of Sobriety, Alec Baldwin, admitted that he was addicted to cocaine and snorted the drug “all day long” for a two year stretch back in the 1980s. He said, “Cocaine was like coffee back then” joking that he’d snorted a line of coke “Long enough to stretch from the Earth to Saturn and back again”.

- Good thing Alec got over his drug habit. I heard doing Coke can really make you fly off the handle.

*****

Surprise! Early this morning, President Biden announced that he’s cancelling another $6 billion in student loans for 317,000 Americans… bringing total handouts to more than $160 billion. This batch of “Loan Forgiveness” goes to students who were “Scammed by Art Schools” into thinking their degrees would lead to high paying careers.

- Wait… So now we’re gonna pay back loans for people stupid enough to think a DEGREE IN ART HISTORY was going to be LUCRATIVE??

*****

Hunter Biden’s attorneys are threatening to sue Fox News over its usage of naked photos of him doing drugs with hookers from his infamous laptop - claiming the pics are “private”.

- Wait a minute! The pictures are PRIVATE?? I thought they were RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION?!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 45th year by dining at IHOP with her friends last week… shocking fans who thought the restaurant was fairly “lowbrow” for the reality star who’s worth $65 MILLION.

- Hey… The Kardashian’s may not wear pants often, but when they do… they put them on one leg at a time just like the rest of us.

*****

During an interview with the VP on her Daytime Talk Show, Drew Barrymore told Kamala Harris that the U.S. needs “a great protector right now” and that we need her to be our… “Mom-ala”.

- I don’t know about you, but if Kamala’s gonna be my “Mom”… I’d like to put myself up for Adoption.

*****

A recent survey finds that nearly 2 of every 5 homeowners don’t believe they could afford to buy their own home if they were purchasing it today.

- And the squatters LIVING in their homes at the time, were like, “We totally get that. The prices today are OUTRAGEOUS!”.

*****

Future WNBA star Caitlin Clark was seen autographing a fan’s ultrasound photo during her appearance at the Indiana Pacers playoff game.

- Refreshing to see a Professional Basketball player signing an Ultrasound photo instead of taking a paternity test for a change, isn’t it?

*****

Two new surveys found that more than 1/3 of U.S. workers are worried that A.I. robots will result in them having their hours cut or losing their job entirely.

- And the really scary part? Half of the survey’s were filled out by robots.

*****

Dramatic video captured a Lufthansa Airlines Boeing 747 with 350 passengers on board BOUNCING OFF THE RUNWAY in California…TWICE… before aborting its landing and taking back to the skies. Officials at the airline say they’re “investigating” but admit it was a “Training Flight”.

- Well that would explain the giant “Student Driver” stickers on the Wings.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

No details yet… but Dolly Parton announced that she’s launching her own line of Wines.

- No word on whether they will be Red or White… but we do know that they will be available in Jugs.

*****

A man studying forestry in Alabama set a World Record for “Most Trees Hugged in an Hour” when he hugged 1,123 trees at the Tuskegee National Forest over the weekend.

- Question: Did he get Consent from all the trees first???

- Oh sure… it always starts with a simple hug, but pretty soon your “Sittin’ in the Tree… K-I-S-S-I-N=G. First comes Love, then comes Marriage… then comes a Baby in the Baby Carriage!”

*****

I was feeling a little nostalgic this weekend and started thinking I’d take a trip back to College and walk around campus. I wonder if anything’s going on these days….. 😳😳😳😳😳

*****

An engraved Pocketwatch that belonged to NY Real Estate Magnate John Jacob Astor IV and was with him when he went down on the Titanic… sold for $1.5 MILLION at auction. Realizing there wasn’t enough room for the men, Astor is said to have put his wife in a lifeboat, tossed her his gloves, lit himself a cigarette and went down with the ship.

- Proving once again that… Smoking Kills.

*****

Vice President Kamala Harris suggested “sexism” is to blame for comments about her notorious cackling laugh.

- Seriously? I’m pretty sure her cackle annoys Men and Women EQUALLY.

*****

In a new global survey, young Canadians’ Happiness has plummeted to 58th place.

- Simply put, they say their quality of life has gone from an “A, eh” to a “D, eh”. Or something like that.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Want to grow your own Vegetables? Mind your Pees and Q’s! Scientists say HUMAN URINE contains nitrogen and phosphorus that is considered a “superfood” for plants and that by watering them with a mix of one part urine mixed with 9 parts water… your veggies will grow like weeds.

- Well just what America needs. Another reason to NOT eat our Vegetables.

*****

A Police Officer in Canada pulled over a vehicle last week but when he approached the drivers side to speak to the person behind the wheel… there was no wheel. Turns out, the driver was using Vise Grip Pliers to “Drive” the vehicle. The was arrested… but was ticketed and asked to get a vehicle inspection.

- You can hear all about it in the new hit Country song, “Jesus… Take the Pliers”.

*****

The U.S. Postal Service wants to raise the price of a forever stamp from 68 cents to 73 cents.

- On a bright note… the cost of Losing your mail will remain the same!

*****

Caitlin Clark, the number one pick in the WNBA draft two weeks ago, is set to sign a $28 million shoe deal with Nike.

- And if you think that’s a lot wait until you hear about the deal she’s gonna get at DSW! (For you guys… That’s the “Designer Shoe Wearhouse”. I know because I’ve got a lot of daughters)

****

According to a new poll, 57% of adults would feel better if they got more sleep.

- Get more sleep?? Dream on!

*****

A Democratic State Senator in Minnesota was charged with first-degree burglary after Cops say she allegedly broke into her stepmother's house to retrieve “personal items” - including her late father’s ashes.

- She say’s she wasn’t “stealing” her Dad’s ashes so much as she was “Taking them to make sure he’d have the chance to Vote in November”.

*****

Animal rescuers in Virginia arranged a “family reunion” of sorts for a family of curious ducklings who became separated from their mother when they wandered into a hotel.

- But it was a costly mistake: The ducklings got into the Mini-Bar… and the Mama duck ended up with a huge Bill.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s “National Pigs-in-a-Blanket Day!”… Which reminds me of John Candy & Eugene Levy as the “Schmenge Brothers”. They were the Polka Duo whose hour long “Documentary” called “The Last Polka” (lol) included the hit number “Cabbage Rolls and Coffee… Mmm Mmm Good!!!”. (Look it up on YouTube.com It’s worth it… I promise).

*****

President Biden’s latest gaffe had even Democrat’s wincing… At a Tampa campaign rally on Tuesday, he said "I don’t know why we’re surprised by Trump. How many times does HE have to prove… WE can't be trusted?"

- Good question, Joe. Good question!

*****

Later today, Donald Trump will find out whether the Judge in his alleged Hush Money case in NYC finds him guilty of violating a gag order against him, and if so, what the punishment will be. Trump could face thousands in fines and - potentially - jail time.

- Gee… I’m starting to think they don’t want him to run for President or something.

*****

Several centuries-old bottles of cherries have been unearthed at George Washington’s home in Mount Vernon, Virginia. You don’t have to believe me, but…

- I cannot tell a lie!

*****

Researchers say we can significantly cut down on the effects of Global Warming by Breeding Cows that “Break Less Wind”.

- Yeah right! If that technology existed… every wife in America would have already figured out a way to buy it for their husband.

*****

The new movie “The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare” flopped on its opening weekend bringing in just $8 MILLION. Based on the book “Churchill's Secret Warriors,” the film explores the formation of a covert British commando unit during World War II.

- Apparently, most people just stay home these days and watch the World gear up for War on TV for Free instead.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

1 Comment

It’s International Nose Picking Day! So no matter where you stand… Left Side or or Right Side… Let’s all come together today and Pick a Winner!

*****

JetBlue will begin implementing “surge pricing” for checked bags to counter what it says are increased costs associated with wages and fuel. TRANSLATION: You'll pay more to check a bag during peak travel times.

- I'm good with that as long as we can have "Surge Suing" where we can sue for more money if the door happens to fall off the plane during a "Peak time" during our flight.

*****

An animal rescue group in Connecticut treated a pair of drunk vultures with fluids and gave them “a big breakfast” after the birds got super drunk on food they found in a dumpster. A vet said the food had fermented causing the birds to become “wildly intoxicated”.

- On a bright note, With their experience of flying drunk… The Vultures are shoo-ins for jobs as Pilots at Southwest!

*****

The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art has unveiled a new collection of fancy Bongs used to smoke Marijauna. It's a celebration of the "Art of Cannabis Smoking".

- Or as Hunter Biden calls it... "Christmas in April!".

*****

Red Lobster is reportedly considering filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection after significant financial blows, including an $11 million loss on their “Endless Shrimp” promotion last summer.

- Which is ironic… They lost $11 MILLION on Endless Shrimp… While I gained 5 pounds on “Too Many Cheddar Bay Biscuits”. Yum!

*****

A Walton County, Florida couple is facing felony charges after allegedly fraudulently attempting to claim a million-dollar lottery prize. Get this... They taped the halves of two different losing scratch-off tickets together to make one "Winning" ticket. Cops said the tape was “Blatantly obvious”.

- Well, Duh! That’s why I ALWAYS use Gorilla Glue when I piece tickets together to scam the lottery!!! HELLO!!!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

1 Comment

Saturday, Jim Harbaugh kept his promise and got a Michigan tattoo in honor of their national championship season. The coach - who has never gotten a tattoo before… now has “15-0” underneath a Blue block M emblazoned on upper right arm.

*****

Taylor Swift's new album, the "Tortured Poets Department" came out this weekend to largely glowing reviews... but one magazine chose to print their less than glowing review "anonymously" - lest the critic suffer the wrath of Taylor's fan's "The Swifties".

- So let me get this straight... A bunch of 18 year olds can SHUT DOWN a U.S. University by harrassing and intimidating fellow students and the University does NOTHING ... Meanwhile a MUSIC REVIEWER won't admit he doesn't like a TAYLOR SWIFT SONG because he's afraid he's gonna make a bunch of 16 year old girls MAD???

- Do you think maybe the inmates are running the asylum???

*****

A Swedish company has launched a new app which lets its users earn money by reporting wrongly parked cars.

- There's only one problem. Being Swedish, the app is made by IKEA... and you have to put it together before you can use it.

*****

According to a new report, Legal sales of marijuana and marijuana products -- like edibles -- reached an estimated $30 billion in 2022.

- Put that in your pipe and smoke it! (Or eat it... as the case may be).

*****

According to a new poll, 75% of voters think the cost of living in the United States is rising.

- The other 25% could answer the poll because they were on their way to their third job.

*****

A new survey finds that the average New Yorker eats 111 bagels each year.

- And with violent crime on the rise, more and more people are taking the Lox off those bagels and putting them on their front doors.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

During a speech in his hometown of Scranton yesterday, President Biden told the crowd that his Uncle “Bosie” was EATEN by CANNIBALS after his plane was shot down over New Guinea during World War II… despite Military Records showing the plane was shot down over the ocean.

- Well… maybe the the Cannibals were Good Swimmers??

- It could have been a kind of “Surf ‘n Turf” kind of thing.

*****

A recent survey finds that 38% of Canadian employees say they spend too much time working… with 52% saying they work more than 40 hours per week.

- Question: Is that 40 hours CANADIAN or 40 hours AMERICAN??

*****

Director Alex Garland’s provocative thriller “Civil War” lit up the box office with $25.7 million in its debut. The movie is set in the not-so-distant future where the United States goes to war against itself.

- And the way things things are going these days… the "not-so-distant future" means “this afternoon”.

*****

A new report says that reality star and stuntman ,Johnny Knoxville recently hinted at the potential for another in his series of “Jackass” movies. So look for "Jackass 5" coming soon to a Theater near you.

- Or you can just ask your kids and grandkids what’s trending on TikTok!

*****

ABC’s “Golden Bachelor” Gerry Turner and his new bride Theresa Nist announced that they’re getting a divorce just three months after getting married. AT 72 and 70 respectively, Gerry and Theresa say they “want different things”.

- For instance… She likes Raisin Bran… while he’s more of a Fiber One guy.

*****

86 men stood side by side at the National Beard and Mustache Championships in Florida, last weekend and had their mustaches clipped together end-to-end to form “The World’s Longest ‘Stache” measuring 195 feet long.

- Two questions:

1) Why?

2) How much alcohol was involved?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

This week we celebrate World Semicolon Day! So don’t forget to call your High School English teacher and schedule your annual Semi-Colonoscopy!

*****

The infamous white Ford Bronco carrying OJ Simpson in a low-speed chase across LA may finally be up for sale and is expected to get $1.5 MILLION at auction.

- $1.5 MILLION for a Bronco? There gonna make a killing!

- The Bronco is said to be in near-mint condition and can go from zero to 25 mph in less than 60 seconds.

*****

After an outcry from animal rights activists over the cruelty of glue-traps, New York lawmakers are proposing new ways to “Humanely” cut down the Rat population.

- So they’re just going to give the rats Gift Cards to White Castle and let nature takes its course.

*****

A new report says that reality star and stuntman Johnny Knoxville recently hinted at the potential for another in his series of Jackass movies. So look for "Jackass 5" coming soon to a Theater near you.

- Or you can just ask your kids and grandkids what's trending on TikTok.

*****

Disneyland is facing a lawsuit after “a worker dressed as Goofy collided with a woman and knocked her over, causing physical injuries”.

- Wait… Go back to the part about “a worker DRESSED as Goofy”??? Right… Like Goofy’s not real.

*****

CBS announced it will cancel it’s daytime show, “The Talk” after it’s 17th Season in December. .

- Now if someone one at ABC could just have the FINAL SEASON “Talk” with the ladies of “The View”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Tennessee Legislature has overwhelmingly voted to send the Governor a proposal that would BAN marriage between first cousins.

- Damn! I better call my Cousins in Bumpus Cove, TN and let ‘em know before they send out the Invites to the Wedding/Baby Shower.

*****

Former President Trump walked into a Manhattan courtroom this morning... becoming the first President in U.S. History to face Criminal Charges. For those of you keeping score... this trial is about the alleged Stormy Daniels hush money payments.

- Keep it here to stay abreast of all the details…

*****

A study into the work habits of Americans revealed that Washington, DC tops the list of America’s HARDEST-working cities.

- Really? I’m thinking that with Congress and the White House being there, that was supposed to read DC tops the list of "America's "HARDLY working cities"...

*****

According to a government survey, Japanese youth spend around 5 hours per day online.

- American parents were like, "Amateurs!"

*****

A video of a snake "doing his business" has gone Viral on Facebook... The sheer size of the "droppings" from a giant snake has left people gobsmacked, with some admitting that they didn't even know serpents pooped.

- I guess I assumed they went to the bathroom... but I saw the video and I was surprised to see the snake texting on the toilet.

- Those must be some really tiny thumbs...

*****

Today is TAX DAY!

Uh oh. I better call my Cousins in Bumpus Cove again and give ‘em the bad news.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

THIS JUST IN...

OJ SIMPSON HAS DIED AT AGE 76 FROM PROSTATE CANCER...

Yes… He's taking that final, sloooow White Bronco Ride to the sky...

*****

President and First Lady Biden hosted a State Dinner for the Prime Minister and First Lady of Japan at the White House Last night with plenty of celebrity guests in attendance… Jeff Bezos fiance Lauren Sanchez turned heads by wearing a racy, red lingerie style dress that showed off her cleavage.

- I haven’t seen a plunge like that since the Kamikaze bombers hit Pearl Harbor.

*****

Bill & HIllary Clinton also attended the soiree…

- Hillary was hoping to discuss policy issues with the Japanese Prime Minister… and Bill was hoping to get a few minutes alone with Jeff Bezos Fiance.

****

Delta Airlines announced that it will soon update the way it boards passengers… going to a “Window… Middle Seat… then Aisle” process in an effort to speed up the boarding process.

- In related news… In addition to Beverages and Snacks… United will now be handing out Parachutes on all of their troubled Boeing 737’s!

*****

“Oppenheimer” officially became director Christopher Nolan’s biggest hit overseas… grossing $640 MILLION internationally.

- Making it the most successful Bombshell to come out of Hollywood since Sophia Loren.

*****

A German art museum recently fired a staff member for hanging his own painting in their gallery.

- He swears he didn’t do it… Says he was Framed. (Ba da Boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

For the first time in 75 years, Mattel is making a major change to its iconic “Scrabble” board game. Why? To make it more appealing to Gen Z gamers. The new version is “less competitive, provides clues, and can be played according to the players chosen level of difficulty”. Oh… and there’s no more scoring! Critics are calling it “Scrabble for Snowflakes” and “Woke Scrabble”.

- I call it S-T-P-I-D. (Well… I’m missing a “U”, but you get the idea…)

*****

Mount Etna, Europe’s largest active volcano delighted tourists and locals by blowing almost perfect smoke rings into the blue skies over Italy over the weekend.

- That, or Liz Warren is vacationing in Rome.

*****

“Strictly Confidential” star Elizabeth Hurley says that having her son direct the sensual love scenes in her new movie - in which she makes out with another woman - was “Liberating”.

- Her son, meanwhile, described the experience as “Gross”.

*****

A new survey finds that more Americans now prefer the hybrid work model - where they go into the office one or two days a week - over being fully remote.

- So it looks like people are finally ready to put their pants back on… Only on Monday’s and Wednesday’s maybe… but hey, it’s a start!

*****

A new restaurant chain in New York City is outsourcing staff to the Philippines, using screens with hostesses on Zoom calls instead of in-person employees. And here’s the kicker: When customers check out, they’re still prompted to add a tip of up to 18% on top of their bill - for the person 1800 miles away.

Here’s a tip for FREE: If you go to that restaurant… Don’t leave a tip!

*****

According to canine experts, when it comes to being Vocal… the #1 Dog Breed is… The Beagle.

- Charlie Brown was like, “Good Grief!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Today is “National Chinese Almond Cookie Day”! How do I know? Confucius TOLD ME yesterday in the Fortune Cookie I got with my lunch combo at Wong’s Chinese Carry Out on Woodward!

It’s also Winston Churchill Day… The man considered by most Histornians as the Man most responsible for Saving the World from Hitler.

*****

The View’s Sonny Hostin is being roundly mocked online for trying to tie the recent Earthquake in New York, the return of the Cicadas, and yesterday’s Eclipse to “Climate Change”. The claim was so ridiculous - even castmate Joy Behar called her out on it.

- Which puts me in a real quandary. Sunny’s position makes no sense. But to be honest… Joy isn’t exactly a Spokesmodel for the Mensa Society, either.

*****

Passengers on a Houston-bound Southwest Airlines flight recently watched in horror as the cover from one of the engines on the Boeing 737-800 came apart mid-flight forcing the pilot to make an emergency return to the airport.

- On a bright note… If there’s nothing good to watch on the “In Flight Entertainment System”… you can always just look out the window!

*****

JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon warned that excessive government spending in the U.S. may continue to fuel both high inflation and interest rates - which goes against what Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen says is happening.

- So I guess in this case, at least, “Dimon is NOT a Girl’s Best Friend”.

*****

You probably know that next Monday - April 15th is Tax Day - but it turns out not everybody is “in the know”. According to a new survey… Nearly 50% of Gen Z and Millennials (that includes people 12 to 43 years old) DIDN’T KNOW that taxes have to be filed by April 15th.

- But let’s be honest… Even if they DID know, they’d probably just wait around for the White House to announce some kind of “Tax Forgiveness” program to get votes.

*****

From the Creative Criminals Department…

A porch pirate in Sacramento, California was caught on camera sneaking up to a home and stealing a package - while dressed in a black garbage bag. The homeowner was so amused by the burglar’s get-up he said, “Good one” to the thief over his “Ring” camera microphone and didn’t even bother reporting the crime.

- We’ve gone from “America’s Funniest Home Videos” to “America’s Funniest Home Felonies”.

*****

A new genetic discovery reveals that left-handed people are rarer than many think.

- That’s just not right.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Dog Flatulance Appreciation Day! So Ladies… Make sure to slip your Husbands an extra treat today! (wink, wink!)

*****

More importantly… It’s Eclipse Day!

Later today, a total solar eclipse will temporarily leave parts of North America in complete and utter darkness as the Moon passes between the Earth and the Sun. Being scientific types - but also wanting to help out those less “astro-physics minded”, we did some research and came up with a visual aid we thought might help explain what’s happening for you. (And mostly, us).

*****

Eclipse Trivia Time…

Bonnie Tyler’s song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” has been all over the Radio waves this weekend… but there’s another song from the 70’s that made reference to the Celestial Event: Carly Simon’s 1972 hit, “You're So Vain”.

In the lyrics… Carly sings:

“Well I hear you went up to Saratoga

And your horse naturally won

Then you flew your lear jet up to __________

To see the total eclipse of the sun.”

WHERE DID HE FLY THE JET? (Answer below my sign off at the bottom!)

*****

Speaking of that song…

At the end of that verse… Carly sings,

“Well you’re where you should be all the time,

And when you’re not you’re with…

Some underworld spy,

Or the Wife of a Close Friend, Wife of a Close Friend and…

Your So Vain. You Probably think this song is about you…”

Well… back in the day my youngest daughters Jessica and Julie were convinced that “Wife of a close friend” was “Wife of the Postman”.

*****

That wasn’t as bad as Juice Newton’s 1981 cover of “Angel of the Morning”… Remember that line, “Just touch my cheek before you leave me”?. Yeah, well my daughters thought it was, “Just LICK MY TEETH before you leave me”.

*****

But I digress… Back to the Eclipse… Doctors warn that watching it with the naked eye could cause permanent damage to your vision.

Which is gonna be a real problem for Brittney Spears. These days, it seems she does pretty much EVERYTHING naked.

*****

The next Total Solar Eclipse in the United States won’t happen for 22 years… in 2044.

-To put that in perspective… in 2044, Joe Biden will be 103, Donald Trump will be 99 - and they’ll both be running for President.

*****

Former President Bill Clinton has a memoir coming out this fall about his life after the White House.

- No title yet, but we do know it’ll be a Pop-up book.

*****

In the last week… we had a 4.8 Earthquake in NY, New Jersey, and along the East Coast, Lightning struck the Statue of Liberty… and today, we’ve got the total Eclipse of the Sun.

- Well you know what they say… If Mother Nature aint happy, Ain’t NOBODY happy!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

*ANSWER: Nova Scotia