President Trump met with Kim Kardashian at the WH to discuss prison reform - especially women jailed for drug offenses.

- If anyone understand a Crack problem, it’s Kim.

- She also suggested changing Orange Prison Uniforms to Black - because they’re more slimming.

*****

Italy has banned kisses and handshakes in public because of the Coronavirus.

- They’re also urging Italian Men to wash there hands when they’re done talking.

*****

Daredevil Nik Wallenda walked a high wire over an active Nicaraguan Volcano last night.

- It wasn’t nearly as dangerous as his next stunt: Sitting between Joy Behar and Meghan McCain on “The View”.

*****

The World Health Organization says we should refer to people with the Corona virus as “Having Contracted It” - and not “Possibly Infecting Others” so as not to “shame and blame” people for spreading the virus.

- Plus… each patient will receive a “Corona Virus Participation Trophy”!

*****

Jeff Bezos and fiancée Lauren Sanchez were spotted on an expensive dinner date just days after Mr. Amazon lost 11.9 billion amid Coronavirus panic.

- Well that explains the Groupon.

*****

Stephen Spielberg’s porn actress daughter, Mikaela, was arrested on domestic violence charges.

- In a nod to her Dad’s movie ET, she used her one call to Phone Home.

*****

It’s being reported that Prince Andrew once let a British Super Model he was dating sit on his Mother’s Throne.

- The most shocking part of this story is that Prince Andrew was interested in someone who didn’t need a booster seat.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Mike Bloomberg’s OUT… $500 MILLION DOLLARS of his own money… Endorses Joe Biden…

*****

Bloomberg spent $224 million on Super Tuesday ads… meaning he spent $5.1 million for each delegate that he won.

- Mike may be rich, but apparently he’s not very good with money.

*****

Political pundits say Biden and Sanders BOTH did well on Super Tuesday.

- Bernie immediately hit the road to “Shake Hands and Kiss Babies”… while Joe says he’s looking forward to “Kissing more babes”.

*****

Elizabeth Warren who came in THIRD in her home state of Massachusetts said a lot of people who had pledged votes to her took them back at the last minute.

- Indian givers!

*****

During Joe Biden’s Super Tuesday victory speech, he introduced his wife as his sister - and his sister as his wife.

- In Joe’s defense, who among hasn’t mistaken our wife for our sister from time to time??

*****

A survey found that 38 PERCENT of beer drinking Americans say they won’t drink Corona beer… because they’re afraid it will give them the virus.

- Sounds like somebody’s got a bigger head on their beer than they do on their shoulders.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Welcome to Super Tuesday! - Or as Joe Biden calls it… Super THURSDAY!!! (Yeah, he did). Pete, Amy and Beto have lined up behind Joe in order to keep Bernie from getting the nomination. It’s not that they LIKE Joe, they just despise Bernie more than they can’t stand Joe but not nearly as much as they Hate Donald. And that, ladies and gentlemen… Is Politics.

*****

Woody Allen will release his autobiography in April.

- He’s not the first author to dedicate a book to his “Wife and Daughter”… but it’s the first time they were the SAME PERSON.

*****

Amid Coronavirus worries, people in China have given up shaking hands and instead are greeting each other by taping each others shoes in a move called “The Wuhan Shake”.

- I thought the Wuhan Shake was something McDonald’s offered during the Chinese New Year.

*****

The Chinese announced that you can’t catch the Coronavirus from “Passed Gas” as long as the person doing the passing is wearing pants.

- To be honest, if you’re hanging around with a bunch of gassy people who don’t wear pants, the Coronavirus is the least of your worries.

- Surgical masks may not keep you safe, but Gas Masks will make your day go better.

- I am once again reminded of the great Danny Kaye Movie “The Court Jester”… with a bit of a twist: “The Jeans with the Seams contain the Germs - a Doc Confirms”, and the “The Slacks that Cover Cracks Keep Corona out of Barcelona”.

*****

A poll of 2,000 Americans found that a majority of Brides and Grooms-To-Be, believe that a “Wedding Website” is necessary to keep guests informed about the nuptials.

- In my day we had a gizmo for letting guests know about our wedding details too. It was called, "The Invitation”.

*****

Madonna was helped offstage after falling during a Paris concert on Saturday night.

- Luckily, no one in the audience was infected…um… I mean, Hurt.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Despite a terrible showing in the South Carolina Primary, Elizabeth Warren says she’ll “Fight all the way to the end”.

- Boy, if I had an Indian Nickel for every time I heard a candidate say that.

*****

“Mayor Pete” Buttigieg ended his Presidential bid after a disappointing showing in South Carolina.

- Too bad. Pete’s husband would have made the most handsome first man since Mamie Eisenhower.

*****

The U.S. has signed a Peace Deal with the Taliban, putting an end to our Nation’s longest War.

- Trusting the Taliban to stick to a “Peace” Deal is kind of like trusting Michael Moore with the keys to Pizza Hut.

*****
Joe Biden scored a big win in the South Carolina Primary on Saturday. Right now, Joe is partying like it’s 1999.

- Because he thinks it IS.

- Joe said he was surprised so many people want him to be President, which makes sense considering he thinks he’s running for the SENATE.

*****

Bernie Sanders raised $46.5 million dollars in the month of February.

- To put that in perspective, that’s enough to pay for one year of “Medicare for SOME”.

*****

MSNBC Host Chris Mathews is being accused of inappropriately flirting with a female guest.

- Where was the outrage when Chris said “I got a tingle up my leg when I heard Obama speak”??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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Tomorrow is the Big Day!!! The 33rd Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon will be on the air LIVE on AM 760 WJR from 6am to 7pm. This is THE ONLY yearly fundraiser for this vital program that provides 1.3 MILLION MEALS and 118,000 NIGHTS OF SHELTER to Metro Detroiters EVERY YEAR! One of the most gratifying parts of working with the Salvation Army on the Bed & Bread program is the opportunity to ride along on one of the three Bed & Bread trucks - which I did once again this past Monday. Everyday - 365 days a year - these trucks make their way through the streets of Detroit - bringing food - and hope - to thousands of Men, Women and Children who have fallen - often through no fault of their own - on hard times. As many rides as I’ve made on the Truck, the reactions of the people it serves never cease to amaze me. They are, almost to a person, filled with thanks and gratitude for the meal they’re given. Hot soup - and I mean REALLY GOOD hot soup, fresh sandwiches, fruit, a cookie… some hot chocolate, coffee or juice... It’s balanced, nutritious - and of course, FREE, as are the “Hygiene Packets”, Blankets & Socks handed out at every stop. Everything is prepared with care and given with love to these people who spend their days - literally - just trying to survive. The Salvation Army’s Bed & Bread Program is designed to make sure they see lots of tomorrows. In addition to the thousands of meals they serve… the Program shelters about 300 people every night. I always ask the people who come up to the window how they’re doing. Remarkably, most of them say “Not bad!” or “Pretty good. How about you?” WOW. And the people who come up to the Truck don’t all suffer from addiction issues like some people think. The stories I’ve heard from women who suffered horrific abuse, and from kids who were mistreated and neglected would make your head spin and your heart break at the same time. And I’ve talked to many people who are there simply because they were laid off or lost their job. Whatever their story… The Salvation Army Bed & Bread Program is there for them. Food - Shelter - Counseling Services - Job Training… You name it. From the things needed just for today - a hot meal and a warm place - to the things that can literally help turn someone’s life around - That’s what this program is all about. I started the Radiothon and created Detroit’s Bed & Bread Club 33 years ago. The first year we raised $15,000 and were over the moon. Now in it’s 33rd year, the program has raised a total of 36 MILLION DOLLARS to serve our fellow Detroiters. Every day. Every night. 365 Days a year. I know from the years and years we’ve been doing the Radiothon that my listeners - and the people of Metro Detroit - have incredibly big and generous hearts. I’m asking you - from the bottom of MY heart - to join me in supporting this program and the people it serves - by donating what you can. Donating $240 or more (That’s only $20 a month!) gets you in the Bed & Bread Club - plus a commemorative Salvation Army Neck Warmer. But I appreciate ANYTHING you can give! The 24 hour Radiothon begins at 7pm tonight and runs all day tomorrow until 7pm. It will be broadcast LIVE on AM 760 WJR and streamed on WJR.com. I’ll be hosting the 4pm to 7pm slot with Jackie and Big Al! You can even donate right now by calling 1-800-Sal Mich or going to Salmich.org. And we’d love to see you at the broadcast LIVE from 1 Campus Martius on Woodward Ave. in downtown Detroit. I can’t tell you what you - and this Program - mean to me. I’m forever in your debt… Thanks so much! -Dick

Each person also receives a “Hygiene Packet” with each meal

*****************

*****************

On Monday, I once again had the privilege of riding on one of the Bed and Bread trucks. There are 3 trucks in all… each one traveling the neighborhood streets of Detroit, day in and day out… 365 days a year. These specially outfitted trucks and the very special people who man them -  bring warm food, hot cups of coffee and cocoa, mittens, blankets… whatever’s needed and whatever they have, really, to the thousands of men, women and children living on the streets.  As always, our driver Ray honked the Trucks horn, signaling our arrival - and an amazing thing happened. 

Men and women… Black… White… Brown… emerged from from buildings and around corners. Some walked alone. Others held the hands of small children. Teenagers walked with a fake air of confidence, the way teenagers are meant to walk.

If you didn’t look closely, it would be easy to miss the

For the next 20 minutes or so… we were busy. Handing out turkey sandwiches… steaming styrofoam cups of soup (we had Bean soup that day), Chips… even fruit (although not everyone took the apples we offered. As one man told me, “You can’t eat an apple if you don’t have teeth!). 

I have ridden the Bed & Bread truck many times since our first Radiothon back in 1987 and have always been humbled and awestruck by the experience. by the genuine smiles of the people who come for what might very well be the only meal they get that day. Here they are… living on the streets, facing daily - most likely hourly - challenges that you and I can’t even imagine. yet no matter how red their cheeks from the cold, no matter how sad their eyes, to a person - they smile and thank those of us working the the truck for a hot meal. Talk about humbling. 

I wished we could linger at each stop to talk more. To find out their stories. The man with the fingerless gloves. The woman who reached up to try and fix her hair as if embarrassed about the way it looked. The 10ish boy who asked for an extra sandwich for his brother who wasn’t feeling well. 

How did they get here? How did they end up IN LINE at the truck, instead of working inside it? 

I’ve heard my share of people say “They made their bed…” over the years. I’m sure you know someone like that - maybe you’ve even thought it yourself from time to time. Before my work with the Salvation Army, I may have thought that too. 

But I have learned that it is far more complicated than that. The stories behind the wrinkles, the chapped lips, the tired eyes vary, of course, from person to person but they speak to a life filled with things most of us can barely comprehend: Neglect… Abuse… Mental health issues…  

No one - NO ONE - would choose to live this way. And if you don’t believe me, think about this. Have you ever heard a child say, “When I grow up… I want to live on the streets and eat food from a truck!”

Me either. (Although my parents certainly thought that would happen when I told them I wanted to be a disc jockey!)

Life happens… and it happens differently for all of us. 

I believe one of the most important things we can do with the time we’re given is to help those less fortunate than ourselves. Those whose stories are different from our own. And by making their lives better - we make life better for all of us. The Salvation Army Bed and Bread program - the hot meals, the nights of shelter - are a simple and incredibly effective way for us to do that.

So I ask you to donate what you can. Five dollars… or Ten… or Twenty a month. 

I promise… Just like the people in line for the Truck - when they get that soup and sandwich, you’ll have a smile on your face too.  

-Dick 

FIRST DRAFT:

On Monday, I once again had the privilege of riding on one of the Bed and Bread trucks. There are 3 trucks in all… each one traveling the neighborhood streets of Detroit, day in and day out… 365 days a year. These specially outfitted trucks and the very special people who man them -  bring warm food, hot cups of coffee and cocoa, mittens, blankets… whatever’s needed and whatever they have, really, to the thousands of men, women and children living on the streets.  As always, our driver Ray honked the Trucks horn, signaling our arrival - and an amazing thing happened. 

Men and women… Black… White… Brown… emerged from decaying buildings that just moments before I would have described as unihabitible. Some of them had children in tow. Kids of all ages - from teens to toddlers - all headed towards one thing: The Truck. 

For the next 20 minutes or so… we were busy. Handing out turkey sandwiches… steaming styrofoam cups of soup (we had Bean soup that day), Chips… even fruit (although not everyone took the apples we offered. As one man told me, “You can’t eat an apple if you don’t have teeth!). 

I have ridden the Bed & Bread truck many times since our first Radiothon back in 1987 and have always been struck by the genuine smiles of the people who come for what might very well be the only meal they get that day. Here they are… living on the streets, facing daily - most likely hourly - challenges that you and I can’t even imagine… yet no matter how red their cheeks from the cold, no matter how sad their eyes, to a person - they smile and thank those of us working the the truck for a hot meal. Talk about humbling. 

I wished we could linger at each stop to talk more. To find out their stories. The man with the fingerless gloves. The woman who reached up to try and fix her hair as if embarrassed about the way it looked. The 10ish boy who asked for an extra sandwich for his brother who wasn’t feeling well. 

How did they get here? How did they end up IN LINE at the truck, instead of working inside it? 

I’ve heard my share of people say “They made their bed…” over the years. I’m sure you know someone like that - maybe you’ve even thought it yourself from time to time. Before my work with the Salvation Army, I may have thought that too. 

But I have learned that it is far more complicated than that. The stories behind the wrinkles, the chapped lips, the tired eyes vary, of course, from person to person but they speak to a life filled with things most of us can barely comprehend: Neglect… Abuse… Mental health issues…  

No one - NO ONE - would choose to live this way. And if you don’t believe me, think about this. Have you ever heard a child say, “When I grow up… I want to live on the streets and eat food from a truck!”

Me either. (Although my parents certainly thought that would happen when I told them I wanted to be a disc jockey!)

Life happens… and it happens differently for all of us. 

I believe one of the most important things we can do with the time we’re given is to help those less fortunate than ourselves. Those whose stories are different from our own. And by making their lives better - we make life better for all of us. The Salvation Army Bed and Bread program - the hot meals, the nights of shelter - are a simple and incredibly effective way for us to do that.

So I ask you to donate what you can. Five dollars… or Ten… or Twenty a month. 

I promise… Just like the people in line for the Truck - when they get that soup and sandwich, you’ll have a smile on your face too.  

-Dick 

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The pic below kind of sums up what the Democrat candidates said last night about why they think Bernie can’t beat Trump. Cigar anyone?

*****

President Trump’s former White House doctor said he used to hide Cauliflower in the Prez’s mashed potatoes to try and help him lose weight.

- The Doc also considered hiring Jenny Craig to be the WH Chef but figured Trump would say she wasn’t “On his team” and Fire her.

*****

ABC is working on a spin-off of “The Bachelor”… for Senior Citizens aged 65+.

- In this version, instead of a Rose, the Bachelor will give each lucky lady a Walker.

- And instead of champagne and chocolates, the “Dream Suite” will be stocked with Nitro Glycerin and a Defibrillator.

*****

Harvey Weinstein was diverted to a NYC Hospital for chest pains while on his way to jail. Harvey had complained that trying to get people to believe he was wrongly convicted was like “Banging his head against a wall”.

- Making him a Harvey Wallbanger.

*****

Meanwhile, Weinstein’s 43 year old ex-wife says she’s “moved on” and has a boyfriend!

- And once he gets to prison, Harvey will have a boyfriend too!

*****

A former Royal Protection Cop is challenging Prince Andrew’s alibi in the Jeffrey Epstein sex scandal and says he’s willing to go to court to prove it.

- It’ll be a nice change. For once, Andrew will be judged by 12 of his peers as opposed to peering at 12 year old girls.

*****

Doctors in South Wales say a baboon escaped while having a vasectomy, and took off - along with two female monkeys.

- I’ll bet when they finally catch him, his big red butt’s REALLY gonna be in a sling.

*****

DON’T FORGET! The 33rd Annual Salvation Army Radiothon for the Bed & Bread Club - that feeds and shelters thousands of men, women and children in Metro Detroit EACH AND EVERYDAY - is coming up THIS FRIDAY, FEB 28th. You can hear it LIVE from 6am to 7pm on AM 760 WJR and streamed on the internet on wjr.com. I’ll be Hosting the 4pm to 7pm slot… along with Jackie and Big Al… of this event that is so near and dear to my heart. Your donations will make a huge difference to so many! You can even make your pledge right now by calling 1-800-SAL-MICH or going to Salmich.org. Thank you in advance and I hope you’ll tune in on Friday!

In the meantime have a great day and I’ll see you back here on the blog Thursday!

-Dick

During a speech at a Cricket Stadium in India, President Trump told an audience of tens of thousands “America loves India”.

- Not to be outdone, Elizabeth Warren tweeted, “INDIANS love India, too!” And How.

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle issued a feisty statement on their website saying the Queen cannot legally block them from calling themselves “Sussex Royals.”

- Meanwhile, the Queen is preparing a “Really nice place” for them to stay when they’re in England… the Tower of London.

*****

A study from the University of Copenhagen found that short men are more likely to develop dementia.

- On the bright side, this means Mike Bloomberg might not remember how badly he did in last weeks debate.

*****

A Russian man who was high on “zombie drugs” sawed off his own leg.

- The man said he’s sad but he’s resilient and will “continue to put one foot in front of the other.”

*****

Steven Spielberg says he’s “embarrassed and concerned” for his 23-year-old daughter Mikaela after she announced plans to become a porn star.

- If only he’d said she was a rower and paid $500,000 grand to send her to college this never would have happened.

*****

A Northeastern University study found “smart speakers” like Alexa were randomly set off to listen to users by television sets that were in the same room as many as 19 times per day.

- Aren’t you glad you don’t have a TV in the bathroom?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Well that was fun. The Democrat debate last night was a festival of finger pointing, name calling and personal attacks. It got so bad I thought about turning it off and watching something less “angry” - like a re-run of “The View”.

The general consensus of pundits on both sides was that Mike Bloomberg took the most hits.

- He got beat up worse than Jussie Smollett on a cold night in Chicago.

*****

Elizabeth Warren began the attacks on Bloomberg by saying “I’d like to talk about who we’re running against: A billionaire who calls women ‘fat broads’ and ‘horse-faced lesbians”.

- Or as Elizabeth would say in her native Indian speak: “Lesbian with Face of Horse”.

*****

Jeb Bush told an audience in Hollywood, Florida that America needs more civility in its politics.

- It was hard to hear Jeb, though, with all the people yelling “LOSER!” and throwing rotten tomatoes at him.

*****

Burger King is promoting it’s new preservative-free burger by showing a regular Whopper - with preservatives - covered in mold and being consumed by fungus.

- Hey Burger King… “Hold the green mold, hold the fungus. Rotten burgers DO upset us!”

*****

New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is now facing a dozen challengers for re-election.

- That’s one for every year AOC says we’ve got left to live on the planet.

*****

A group of Archaeologists have discovered an underground shrine dedicated to Romulus, who founded Rome in the 6th Century B.C.

- Of course Romulus is better known for founding Detroit Metro Airport in 1929.

*****

Steven Spielberg’s 23 year old adopted daughter Mikaela announced that she’s launching a career as a porn actress.

- She dedicated her first 2 films to her Dad… “REALLY Close Encounters” and “Saving Ryan’s Privates”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Former Gov of Illinois Rod “Blago” Blagojevich, who was convicted for attempting to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat, says he’s that since Trump released him from prison after 8 years, he’s now “A Trumpocrat!”.

- Trump and Blago say they see eye to eye on two things: Being wrongfully convicted and the importance of good hair care products.

*****

Meanwhile, Kwame Kilpatrick’s attorney says he hasn’t heard a word from the White House as to whether or not Trump will let the Kwamenator out of prison.

- He said Kwame is so nervous he reversed the letters on three license plates at work this morning.

*****

Mike Bloomberg is taking heat from middle America for saying that tech jobs are hard, but he could “Teach anybody how to farm”. 

- Apparently Mike isn’t familiar with the song from the musical “Oklahoma”, “Oh the Billionaire and the Farmer Should Be Friends!”

*****

The betting odds for Bloomberg getting the Democratic Nomination have soared since he floated the idea of Hillary Clinton as his Vice President. 

- The plan is to have Mike elected on November 3rd… then President Hillary will deliver his eulogy on November 7th. 

*****

Elizabeth Warren said it’s a shame the “Egomaniac Billionaire” can buy his way into the election.

- Isn’t Liz a MILLIONAIRE? Me think she speak with forked tongue.

*****

Al Pacino’s 40 year old now-ex-girlfriend says she broke up with the 79 year old because “He’s already elderly, it’s hard to be with such and old man. and he didn’t like to spend money”.

- With emphasis on the “Didn’t like to spend money” part.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

More and more Democrats are rallying around Bloomberg as the candidate who can beat Trump.

- I guess they changed their mind about that whole “Old Rich White Men Are Ruining America” thing.

*****

Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren continue to fall in the betting odds to become the Democrat Nominee.

- Pundits say it’s because Joe is the King of Gaffes and Elizabeth is the Chief of… Well, she’s just The Chief.

*****

Ten thousand men attended Japan’s annual so-called "Naked Festival" … when participants dance around in a loin cloth and white socks to celebrate their fertility.

- I don’t care how “fertile” the guys are. If you dance around in white socks and a loin cloth, good luck getting any woman to want to have kids with you.

*****

Patrons at the Santa Monica Library were outraged after a porn film was shot there during business hours. - The working title for the film is “Debbie Does the Dewey Decimal System”.

*****

Pics of a Michigan woman who flew from Grand Rapids to California with her Emotional Support Mini-Horse, “Fred” have gone viral. The woman says she had to pay “an arm and a leg” for bulkhead seats so Fred would have enough room.

- I thought most horses fly in the front of Coach.

*****

Elton John needed to be helped offstage in New Zealand due to pneumonia.

- When Elton asked his doctor how soon he’ll recover, the doc said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Scientists say they’ve discovered DNA from a so-called “Ghost Population” that lived 50,000 years ago in Modern Day humans.

- “You can’t argue with Science!” tweeted Elizabeth “Casper” Warren.

*****

Kellogg is expanding it’s line of plant based meats - called “IncogMeato” sausages and bratwursts. "It's a soy-based product with canola & palm oil - and beet juice for coloring” that “Looks and bleeds like real meat”.

- Yum.

*****

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos bought his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez a nine-acre estate in Beverly Hills, which boasts terraces, guest houses, a tennis court, and a nine-hole golf course. The cost? $165 MILLION.

NOTE TO GUYS: If you plan on asking her to be your Valentine by giving her a Chocolate Rose you pick up for a buck fifty at the Gas Station, you better hope she doesn’t read this story.

*****

A new study found that people who play golf at least once a month reduce their risk of premature death by half.

- So now cheating at golf can actually help you cheat death.

*****

Colin Kaepernick told USA that he’s still hoping to win a spot in the NFL saying “I still train five days a week. I’m ready to go, I’m ready for a phone call”.

- Some people just can’t take a hint. Colin’s like Hillary Clinton with knee pads.

*****

On this day in 1633 Italian astronomer Galileo Galilei arrived in Rome for his trial before the Inquisition for his belief that the Earth revolves around the Sun.

- And on this day in 2016, Kanye West tweeted that his Whole World revolves around Kim Kardashian’s Moon.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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Bernie Sanders managed to edge out Pete Buttigieg to win the New Hampshire primary Tuesday.

- When they heard the news, Bernie’s supporters really lit up Socialist Media.

*****

Former frontrunner Joe Biden followed up his loss in Iowa with a 5th place finish in New Hampshire but said this “Isn’t the Closing Bell… It’s the Opening Bell”.

- The way Joe’s been talking, I’m surprised he didn’t say it’s Howdy Doody’s “Clara Bell”.

*****

A standard poodle named “Siba” beat out more than 200 dogs to win "Best in Show" at the 2020 Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden last night.

- I don’t mean to be judgmental, but I’ve seen the pictures and that Poodle is a real Schnauzer.

*****

A St. Louis cop who was told to “tone down his gayness” won a discrimination suit against the county and was awarded $10 MILLION.

- That’s enough money to redecorate every squad car in the department!

*****

After months of speculation, Pope Francis announced that he WILL NOT allow married men to be ordained as Priests.

- In making his decision, the Pope cited “Hundreds of years of Tradition” and the fact that married guys are usually busy on Sunday mornings mowing the lawn and going to Costo with their wives.

*****

Janet Jackson has announced tour dates for her new album, “Black Diamond.”

- Janet’s 53 now so any “Wardrobe Malfunction” she has is gonna involve “Spanx”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Michael Douglas told reporters that one of the last things his father Kirk Douglas said to him - moments before he died last week at age 103, was “Mike (Bloomberg) can get it done!”

- I would have thought if any of the Dem Candidates would have had a “Spartacus Moment” it would have been Cory Booker.

*****

Monica Lewinksy attended the “Vanity Fair Oscars Dinner.”

- She wore a black dress because her favorite blue one was at the Dry Cleaners.

*****

Joe Biden’s campaign says he was quoting John Wayne when he called a female audience member “a lying dog faced pony soldier.”

- Trump jumped on the comment and is now offering “Make Lying Dog-Faced Pony Soldiers Great Again” hats on his website.

*****

Apple may be forced to delay its cheaper version of the iPhone.

- The kids who work at the factory in China had last week off because of Parent/Teacher/Communist Conferences.

*****

A new study has discovered that a mystery radio source from a galaxy some 500 million lightyears away has been sending out signals twice every hour.

- Plus, they’ve got Weather and Traffic on the Eights and caller 10 wins tickets to Elton John’s “Rocketman” tour.

*****

82 year old Jane Fonda went gray and recycled a dress she wore to the Oscars in 2014 after vowing that she would never buy new clothes to “Help save the planet”.

- She even wore one of her old hats… a stylish metal helmet she first wore in Vietnam in 1972.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

There were tuxes and fancy dresses… flashing lights and long speeches last night. Congrats to Kwame Kilpatrick for planning a fantastic “Winter Formal” at the Milan Federal Prison!

Just kidding! I’m talking, of course, about the 92nd Annual Academy Awards.

Joaquin Phoenix who won Best Actor for “Joker” gave a rambling speech that talked about everything from “finding our humanity" to taking milk away from cows so we can put it on our cereal.

- Speaking of Fruit Loops…

*****

Even before his win, Joaquin persuaded producers to serve a completely vegan menu backstage during the show.

- It wasn’t a problem for the actresses since they don’t eat ANYTHING anyway.

*****

It took Brad Pitt about five seconds to complain that John Bolton wasn’t allowed to testify at the Impeachment trial after being awarded the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.

- Call me sentimental, but I miss the good old days when Brad was cheating on Jennifer Aniston, adopting a zillion kids with Angelina Jolie, getting divorced AGAIN and going to rehab. Good times. Good times.

*****

Martin Scorsese - who was up for both a Best Picture and Best Director Oscar for “The Irishman” appeared to fall asleep during a surprise musical performance by Eminem.

- To be fair, Martin’s 77. To him, “Rap” is the cellophane he uses to keep the Nitroglycerin pills separate from the Lipitor in his tux pocket.

*****

All the political statements reminded me of the time back in 1973 when Marlon Brando sent a female American Indian up on stage to refuse his Best Actor Oscar for “The Godfather”.

- What was her name again? Oh yeah… Miss Elizabeth Sacheen Littlefeather Warren.

*****

A TSA agent was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport for tricking a female passenger into showing him her breasts twice during a screening.

- If he wanted to see breasts LEGALLY he could have just watched coverage of the Red Carpet.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Yesterday’s quip about Nancy Pelosi sure brought out the passion in people here on the blog. Some of you thought Nancy was absolutely justified in ripping up Trumps speech, while others thought it was juvenile and have nicknamed her “Nancy the Ripper”. It was just like the Impeachment Hearings and Trial… without the costing Millions of taxpayer dollars part! May we always be able to agree to disagree!

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The Rolling Stones announced that they’ll do a show at Ford Field on June 10th.

- Since Mick and Keith are both 76, They’re bringing a defibrillator to use when they do their song “Start Me Up”.

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With more 97% of the votes in, Bernie Sanders has surged to within one tenth of a point of leader Pete Buttigieg in the Iowa Caucuses.

- I’m pullin’ for Bernie. Not because I believe in his Socialist Policies, but because I can spell his last name.

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On this day in 1935, “Monopoly” went on sale for the first time.

- When Madonna was born 25 years later, they added a new feature to the game… “Community Chest”.

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Three quarters of Canadians say they DO NOT want to pay for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s security detail.

- They don’t want to pay for Prince Andrews subscription to “Teen Beat” magazine either. 

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The 92nd Annual Academy Awards is on this Sunday night.

- It’s gives me the chance to spend three and a half hours listening to acceptance speeches from stars I’ve never heard of for movies I’ve never seen.

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RIP… Kirk Douglas the legendary actor of Spartacus and dozens of other Hollywood films who died peacefully at the age of 103.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As President Trump finished his State of the Union Address last night, Nancy Pelosi made a big show of ripping up her copy of the speech behind his back.

- Somebody needs to be put in a Time Out without her Sippy Cup full of Vodka.

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After the speech, Nancy told reporters that ripping up the speech was the “Courteous thing to do considering the alternative”.

- She was going to light the speech on fire but she was afraid people would confuse it with smoke signals from Elizabeth Warren.

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Lori Loughlin and her husband have put their $28.7 MILLION Beverly Hills mansion up for sale. The home has 9 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms and is 12,000 sq. ft.

- Lori says now with the kids off to college they’re looking to “Downsize”. And by “Downsize” she means a 6’ by 8’ cell.

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Domino’s is giving away a $9,000 pizza-shaped engagement ring to one lucky customer in honor of Valentine’s Day.

- Guys, just imagine your girlfriends excitement when all her friends see the ring and say “He went to Dominos!”

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Prosecutors handed out 5 naked pics of Harvey Weinstein to members of the jury in his Sexual Assault trial, and the female jurors winced. But Harvey said he wasn’t embarrassed adding “It was no big deal”.

- In a unanimous verdict… the ladies on the jury agreed.

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Architectural Digest is featuring Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s $80 MILLION California Mansion which they describe as a “Futuristic Buddhist Monastery” filled with “peace and positive energy”.

- And really big toilet seats. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

1 Comment

The Democrat National Committee in Iowa is blaming a faulty phone app for the chaos in Iowa last night that still has ZERO results as of this writing.

- A faulty phone app? That’s refreshing. Usually they just blame it on the Russians.

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Despite the lack of official results, ALL of the leading Democrat candidates are claiming victory.

- KC beats the 49er’s… Elizabeth Warren claims she won the Caucus… Talk about a Big Week for the Chiefs!

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EXIT POLLS indicate Joe Biden came in last place.

- Joe was undeterred saying, “Let’s put this one behind us… AND NOW ON TO IOWA!!!”

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Democrat House Impeachment manager Adam Schiff warned that if Trump isn’t removed from office, he could sell Alaska back to Russia in order to gain their support in the 2020 Election.

- If that actually happens, Sarah Palin will REALLY be able to see Russia from her house!

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Sunny Hostin, one of the co-hosts on “The View” says she considers it “The most important political show on TV”.

- If you ask me it’s more like the “Jerry Springer Show”… Without the chair throwing.

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The internet is still divided over Shakira and J-Lo’s halftime performances at the Super Bowl with many saying it was nothing more than a fancy stripper show.

- When is the NFL gonna wake up and hire a more family friendly act? Like say… Madonna?

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PETA is demanding that the Groundhog used to predict how long winter will last - be replaced with a robot because coming out of it’s hole is too “stressful” on the Groundhog.

- Wait til People for the Ethical Treatment of Robots hear about this.

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At the end of his show yesterday Rush Limbaugh announced that he’s been diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer. No matter where you stand politically, please join us in wishing him well as he fights to beat this!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

1 Comment

Bernie Sanders has passed Joe Biden as the betting favorite to win the democratic nomination with Bernie at 38% to Biden’s 34%.

- Meanwhile Elizabeth Warren is so desperate for votes she’s driving from town to town campaigning in her Jeep Cherokee.

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Apple posted its highest fourth quarter earnings ever thanks to strong iPhone sales.

- Stock holders will get a bonus check… and Kindergartners in China will get an extra juice box.

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NASA unveiled its first ever, “Space Home,” where Americans will have a massive window to view the earth while they’re in space. 

- NASA saved BIG by buying from Wallside Windows during the “Buy One Double Hung Window, Get One Double Hung Window FREE” Sale.

- And they got the Space Seats during the “12 Hour EVERYTHING MUST GO Sale” at Art Van. 

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Beauty Experts say that Kim Kardashian’s use of False Eyelashes is single handedly “Killing the Mascara industry”.

- On the bright side, sales of Gigantic Panties are on the rise. 

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The University of Missouri has started using an app to track students’ locations and make sure they attend class. 

- In the old days, this kind of “App” was known as “Mom and Dad”.

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Hillary Clinton told a crowd at the Sundance Film Festival that she feels the urge to run in 2020 and that she will WIN. 

 - If this was anyone other than Hillary, the family would have staged some sort of INTERVENTION by now. 

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Presidential Hopeful Michael Bloomberg is being mocked for greeting a dog by shaking its snout in a video that shows him to be visibly unfamiliar with dogs. 

- In his defense… Bloomberg is worth $60 BILLION so he’s used to paying someone ELSE to say “hello” to dogs for him.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump’s defense team rested its case Tuesday after saying there’s “not enough evidence” for the Senate to convict him.

- And just for good luck they added, “If the Quid Pro Quo don’t fit, You must acquit”.

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The makers of Jameson Irish Whiskey are selling a cold brew coffee that is 70 proof.

- Looks like the Best Part of Waking Up is no longer having Folgers in your cup.

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Someone broke into Billy Joel’s Long Island home and damaged 12 of the many motorcycles he keeps in his garage.

- Apparently police aren’t the only ones who think Billy shouldn’t be driving.

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According to a leaked report, the wreckage of the Titanic was hit by a submarine last year but the US government swore everyone involved to secrecy.

- Well as they used to say during World War II… “Loose Lips Sink Ships!”

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A new survey found that one third of Americans are stressed out before they even get to work.

- And those are just the ones who work out of their homes.

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Ratings for The Grammy’s sunk to a twelve-year low, with eighteen million people watching the award show that’s known as “Music’s Biggest Night.”

- I always thought “Music’s Biggest Night” was the night Elvis and Mama Cass went to Dairy Queen for a Peanut Buster Parfait.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

With the Iowa Caucuses less than a week away, odds makers say Bernie Sanders is favored to win.

- Meanwhile Eiizabeth Warren is blaming her drop in the Gallup and Totem Polls on what she calls a Media “Hatchet Job”.

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A woman died while taking part in a cake-eating competition in Australia.

- Police blamed it on “Bundt Force Trauma”.

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The FBI says that Prince Andrew has given “Zero” cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein case despite saying he’d help authorities however he could.

- In his defense, Andrew’s been busy helping his girlfriend study for the SAT’s.

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Hillary Clinton told an interviewer that losing the 2016 election wasn’t really about her, it was about the “threat of a woman running for president”.

- That, and the not going to Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania thingy.

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In order to avoid a Contempt of Court charge, Hunter Biden has agreed to pay an unspecified amount of child support to his baby mama for their 18 month old love child.

- Gosh. I hope he can afford it.

- To show what a great guy he is, Hunter even set up a College Fund for the baby at the University of Ukraine.

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61 year old Madonna - who is dating a 26 year old dancer - has cancelled her “Madame X” show in England for the TENTH TIME due to “injuries”.

- Apparently she sprained her Borderline while teaching her Boy Toy how to Vogue.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick