A study published in the Journal of Medical Ethics found that men can still be effective sperm donors after they die.

- But it won’t be nearly as much fun.

*****

Astronauts at the International Space Station made history by whipping up a batch of Chocolate Chip Cookies which looked normal, but took TWO HOURS to bake.

- Am I the only one who assumed they’d make Moon Pies??

*****

A Florida woman was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend with a Bible.

- The Judge is going to throw the Good Book at her.

*****

A growing number of teenage boys are dipping their “fellas” in soy sauce after it was revealed that testicles have taste receptors.

- And to think when I was a teenager… we spent January afternoons making SNOW Balls.

*****

Researchers at the University of Michigan are developing a new pill that would prevent the need to exercise.   

 - They got the idea from Bill Cosby who invented a pill that prevented the need to give your consent.   

*****

70-year-old Caitlyn Jenner - who was married three times while she was a man, say’s she/he’s given up on finding love with a man as a woman and wouldn’t sleep with anyone unless it was true love. 

- He’s such an old fashioned girl! 

- That reminds me of the Percy Sledge hit that was way ahead of it’s time politically… “When a Man IS a Woman”. 

*****

A baby goat in India was born with a human face which which local villagers believe was sent as a messenger of God. 

- Everybody in the village is excited about this, except for the guy who the goat looks like.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Tempers flared as the opening day of the Impeachment trial dragged out until 2am.

- Most of the Senators haven’t stayed up that late since the last all-night “Matlock-a-Palooza” Marathon aired on TV Land.

*****

No food or coffee was allowed in the Senate Chamber… but Senators could nibble on sweets from a secret desk filled with Candy.

- The Repubs called the candy a “Guilty Pleasure” and the Dems called it a “TRUMP IS GUILTY…Pleasure”.

*****

Teen Climate Activist Greta Thunberg stared at President Trump with an angry look on her face during his speech to the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland.

- Isn’t she supposed to be in school or something??

*****

Harry is back in Canada with Meghan and says they’re ready to start their “private lives” away from the media.

- Harry made the announcement about Privacy after calling the Press and telling them to come over because he was about to make an announcement about wanting Privacy.

*****

A survey by Mattress Firm found that the average American only sleeps five and a half hours per night.

- Well maybe if their mattresses were a LITTLE LESS FIRM, I’d get more sleep.

- Question: Do they mean Five and a Half Hours IN A ROW???

*****

A Cyber Security Survey found that a Massive Data Breach has exposed the private banking information of 4,000 porn stars.

- This ISN’T the first time “Privates” and “Porn Star” have been used in the same sentence.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

According to a new survey, only ONE IN TEN Millennials manage to clean their bathroom at least once a month.

- The other 9 expect their Mom do it since it’s HER house anyway.

*****

Two Florida psychics were charged with fraud and forced to pay back $1.4 Million they bilked from their victims.

- Wow. You gotta have Crystal Balls to take advantage of people like that.

*****

Special Forces Captured a 560-pound ISIS terrorist on Friday who had to be hauled away on a flat bed truck.

- The Navy Seals captured him at Baghdad’s “Eat ‘Til You Explode” Buffet.

- He was captured once before but escaped after stabbing a Guard with a Lamb Shank.

*****

Pope Francis has appointed a woman to a Senior Vatican position.

- He made the announcement by releasing smoke from a Camomile, Lavender & Vanilla Bean Yankee Candle out of the chimney in the Sistine Chapel.

*****

Amazon is developing new terminals that will link your credit card information to your palm print so you can pay for groceries by waving your hand at checkout. 

- But there’s still a good chance you’ll get stuck behind the lady who pulls out her checkbook AFTER everything has been bagged then spends ten minutes filling out the ledger.

- They got the idea from watching Harry and Meghan waving their Royal Future goodbye.

*****

A deaf man is suing “PornHub” because their site doesn’t include close captioning or any other means of getting the dialogue. 

- I’m thinking this guy is the only man in history who actually DID just read Playboy for the articles.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Shortened blog for the holiday!

Harry and Meghan have given up their Royal titles and plan to make a living doing Voiceovers.

- First up? Harry in the “LION-Who-Was-Never-Going-To-Be-KING”.

*****

A new survey found that people who live in Michigan spend 136 hours of their lifetime doing chores like vacuuming.

- Well that sucks.

*****

An Alaskan Dentist who shared a video in which he removed a sleeping patient’s tooth while riding a hoverboard has been found guilty of “Unlawful Dental Acts.” 

- It was an historic decision because up til now the only “Unlawful Dental Acts” were Root Canals. 

*****

For the first time ever, the NY Times has endorsed two candidates:  Amy Kloubachar and Elizabeth Warren for President calling Warren “A GIFTED STORYTELLER”.

- It’s true! Who could forget that story she told about being an Indian?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new poll found that Amazon is in the Top Two most trusted brands in the country. 

- At least that’s what Alexa told the polling company when they called your house. 

*****

The music-streaming service Spotify has launched a playlist for Dogs who are left home alone.

- Finally! I understand why it’s called “Spot”-i-fy.

*****

Cory Booker dropped out of the Presidential Race this week.

- Elizabeth Warren said she’s “saddened” that now she’s “The only Black Man still in the running”.

*****

During this week in 1861, the steam elevator was patented by Elisha Otis.

- And on the very next day, he patented the “Out of Order” sign. 

*****

73-year-old Suzanne Somers says her sex life is still “going strong” and she feels the Big O up to 8 times in just a couple hours. 

- At 73 “The Big O” probably refers to “Osteoporosis”.

- Admit it… you’re kind of mad at yourself for not buying a ThighMaster back in the 80’s? 

*****

Meghan Markle -DID NOT call in from Canada so she could be part of the big pow-wow with the Queen earlier this week. Why? Meghan said it was “Unnecessary”.

- That and Meghan doesn’t qualify for the “Friends and Family” plan. 

Meanwhile, Meghan’s dad is planning to be a key witness AGAINST HER in court during her lawsuit against a British tabloid.

- Good luck finding a Hallmark Card to mark THAT occasion.

*****

Organizers of the Tokyo Olympics say their new cardboard beds can withstand two athletes having sex but not three.

- But the bed will still play the National Anthem for whoever ends up on top.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick

Yesterday, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau seems to have inferred that the downing of a Ukrainian passenger jet by Iranian Missiles was President Trump’s fault.

- Hard to believe Trudeau said that with a Black… um, I mean STRAIGHT Face.

*****

A Navy spokesperson says releasing the Government’s Top Secret UFO Files would cause “exceptionally grave damage to the National Security of the United States.”

- Well that statement should erase any fears we have of the Little Green Men and Flying Saucers.

*****

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev just announced that the ENTIRE GOVERNMENT is resigning in a surprise statement released shortly after Prez Vladimir Putin delivered his annual state-of-the-nation address. (TRUE!)

- Or as the mainstream media is reporting it: “Russian Government Resigns in Order to Help Trump’s Re-Election Campaign”

*****

Insiders say that when the cameras are OFF, the “The View” is a “Toxic swamp that destroys people”.

- As opposed to the Feel-Good-Love-Fest that it is when the cameras are ON!!

*****

Stormy Daniels former Attorney and Democrat Presidential hopeful Michael Avenatti who faces decades in prison for embezzlement was arrested for bail violations by IRS agents last night in the middle of a court hearing for another matter.

- Wasn’t it just yesterday that CNN and MSNBC were gushing that Avenatti had a good chance of becoming the next President of the United States during a total of 108 TV interviews??

*****

An 86-year-old South Carolina man was busted for armed bank robbery during broad daylight.

- He had planned to rob the bank when it was dark out, but his 79 year old getaway guy isn’t allowed to drive at night.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Queen Elizabeth is holding a family meeting during Tea Time today to discuss Prince Harry & Meghan’s announcement that they’re “Quitting” the Royal Family.

- Meghan’s afraid that the Queen will try to kill her but Harry tipped Meghan off that the pellet with the poison is in the flagon with the dragon or the chalice from the palace, and the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true. (Thanks to Danny Kaye and the classic movie “The Court Jester”!)

*****

Meanwhile, Elton John is denying reports that Harry & Meghan told him their plans BEFORE they told the Queen.

- But it explains why when Harry told his Grandmother that Meghan would be on the phone from Canada during the meeting, the Queen said, “How nice. The Bitch is Back”.

*****

Charmin unveiled a robot at the Computer Electronics Show that will bring you a new roll of toilet paper if you run out while you’re on the bowl. 

- They say this new robot could wipe out the need to keep an extra roll on the handle of your plunger.

- This is the biggest announcement involving the Throne since Harry & Meghan decided to hand in their scepters.

*****

Palace insiders say the Queen Elizabeth is afraid that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will give an explosive, tell-all interview about 'sexism and racism' in the royal family to their friend Oprah Winfrey.

- I’m thinking Harry and Meghan are just sucking up to Oprah cause they could really use a NEW CAR!
*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Queen Elizabeth is said to be FURIOUS after finding out that Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are “quitting” their positions as Senior Royals and moving to Canada… on a “Breaking News” announcement on TV.

- There hasn’t been someone this uncomfortable on the Throne since Elvis ate too many Peanut Butter and ‘Nana Sandwiches.

*****

Insiders say Prince William was “Incandescent with rage” that Harry told him about his plans just 10 MINUTES before he told the press.

- I miss the good old days when the most controversial thing Harry did was get drunk and dress up like a Nazi.

*****

It’s Richard Nixon’s Birthday! The 37th President would have turned 107 today.

- If he were alive today, he’d bake himself a birthday cake. Then again, we all remember him telling us, “I’m not a Cook!”

*****

Taco Bell has posted job opening for “Restaurant Managers” with a starting salary of $100,000 a year.

- They’ll also get a company car and Taco Bell will provide the GAS.

*****

Producers on “The View” say that none of the other hosts are speaking to Megan McCain during commercial breaks and after the show is over.

- If only we could get them to stop speaking to each other while the show is ON.

*****

Leo DiCaprio is being hailed as a hero for rescuing a man who had fallen off a cruise ship and had been lost in shark infested waters for 11 hours.

- Leo says he’s no hero, that he just did “What anyone would do”. Except for Kate Winslet who wouldn’t even move over so he could share that floating door with her in “Titanic”.

*****

The San Francisco 49’s now have the NFL’s first Emotional Support Dog - A French Bulldog named “Zoe” who helps the players Destress before big games.

- The 49’s only lost 3 games this year. The Lions only WON 3. At this point the Lions need an Emotional Support ZOO.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A very fluid situation as the Iran situation continues to play out. We’re sending our thoughts and Prayers to the Troops!

*****

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos’ girlfriend Lauren Sanchez turned the Big 5-O.

- He wished her a Happy Birthday and Many Happy FREE Returns.

*****

The Judge in Harvey Weinstein’s Sexual Assault trial threatened to throw him in jail yesterday because Harvey wouldn’t stop using his cell phone in Court.

- In his defense, Harvey was playing “Words-With-My-Only-Friend” with Matt Lauer.

*****

Some Hollywood Stars have admitted they used “Bust Dust Anti-Boob Sweat Spray” to keep their cleavage dry during the Golden Globes.

- Not a big story… but hey, it’s TOP-ical.

*****

A new study found that people who take up marathon running - even people over 40 - can cut their “Arterial Age” by four years after just one race. 

- You may die of a heart attack, but your arteries will look great during the autopsy. 

*****

According to a new survey, less than 3 in 10 registered voters in America can find Iran on a map.

- Depending on how things play out, it may not be there much longer anyway.

*****
Newly released documents show that Chelsea Clinton has earned $9 million dollars since 2011 serving on the board of an internet investment firm controlled by Hillary.

- What? You’ve never heard of a parent giving their kid an allowance?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Hollywood is seeing Red after Ricky Gervais’ scathing monologue at the Golden Globes where he told the so-called “Woke” celebs to “stop lecturing people” because they “have no idea what real life is like”.

- The stars were so outraged they paid their Chauffeurs to Key his Limo.

- Cher called Gervais “Two Faced”… and she outta know.

Meanwhile in the fashion department… Many of the females stars opted for plunging necklines.

- Proving once again that the “Golden Globes” is also a dress code for the evening.

*****

The body of Iraqi General Qassem Soleimani was flown back to IRAN in COACH class yesterday.

- He would have Blown Up about not getting upgraded to FIRST CLASS… except he’d already been Blown Up.

*****

Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen have cut the selling price of their Massachusetts home from $41 to $33 MILLION.

- So they’ll have to sell at a loss. Not as big a loss as the one to the Tennessee Titans, but still…

*****

“Star Wars” was the top film at the Box Office in the first full week of the year bringing in $33 Million.

- To paraphrase Seinfeld… “Yoda, Yoda, Yoda”.

*****

The Jeopardy "Greatest of All Time" special tournament starts tonight at 8 p.m. on ABC featuring Ken Jennings, Brad Rutter and James Holzhauer playing against each other for $1 MILLION.

- So if you’re in the mood to feel 3 times more of an Idiot than you usually do watching Jeopardy!… tune in tonight!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Another shortened blog for the holiday week… Hey, we deserve a little vacation too!

*****

Kathy Griffin got engaged to her longtime boyfriend on New Year’s Eve.

- The happy couple is registered at Bed, Bath, and Be-Head.

*****

Eddie Murphy - my “co-star” in Beverly Hills Cop III - hosted Saturday Night Live last weekend and drew a huge audience of 16 million viewers.

- Asked how he felt about that, Eddie said… “O-Tay!”

*****

Political insiders say Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders have the best chance of winning the Democrat Presidential Nomination.

- What was that thing again that the Dem debaters kept saying… That the countries problems are because of “Old White Men”??

*****

Pope Francis apologized for swatting away a woman who grabbed his hand on Christmas Eve saying that “So many times we lose patience. Me, too”.

- Wow. I never thought the Pope would be a part of the #MeToo Movement.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

From the Purtan Family to You and Yours… Happy New Year!

May your 2020 be filled with Health and Happiness!

-Dick

Another Shortened-for-the-Holiday blog today…

On this day in 1907 the Ball dropped for the first time in NYC’s Times Square beginning a New Year’s Eve tradition.

- And two days ago, the Lions continued their decades old tradition of dropping the ball period.

*****

In Mount Olive, N.C., a 3 ft. Pickle will descend from a Pole to celebrate the New Year.

- Or you can always visit Anthony Weiner’s house in NYC for a less impressive Pickle.

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a pic on Instagram featuring himself and Clint Eastwood skiing together at an undisclosed location.

- Clint was dressed as his character in “Dirty Harry” and Arnold went as the maid he hired to clean his “Dirty House”.

*****

Joe Biden says he’ll consider asking a Republican to run as his VP if he wins the nomination… but when asked “Who?” he said he “couldn’t think of one now”.

- Here’s a suggestion: Stormy Daniels! I’m not sure if she’s Republican… but she performs well on all the poles.

*****

Have a Great day and a Safe and Happy New Year’s Eve. I’ll see you in 2020!

-Dick

Shortened blog today… I’m on hold waiting to make my annual New Year’s Eve reservations at White Castle.

*****

Taylor Swift now has security cameras focused on her butt “at all times” after she was groped at a Meet and Greet in Colorado.

- She should get a second camera to stay focused on her ego.

*****

Pope Francis told his millions of followers to put down their phones during mealtime.

- He made the announcement on Twitter while having Christmas dinner at the Vatican.

*****

An Arizona man applied to have a swarm of bees approved for travel as his “Emotional Support Animal”… and his request was approved.

- So it’s okay to bring a hive full of live Bees on a plane but I can’t bring on more than 4 ounces of Honey??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday… the LAST DAY of 2019!

-Dick

The other night Jackie, her fiancé Rick and I were out to dinner and saw this little guy sitting on his Mom’s lap, fascinated with her phone. He stared at it intently for so long that Jackie pulled out her camera and took a picture. With the light from the screen reflecting on his face, he looked Angelic. It was an image that we felt, in it’s innocent way, captured the true spirit of Christmas. We hope you agree!

From our Family to You and Yours, Have a Safe, Healthy & Merry Christmas!

-Dick

Prez Trump has become the 3rd US President to be Impeached.

- According to many political experts this could all but ensure his reelection in 2020… So look for “Make Impeachment Great Again” baseball caps coming soon to a store near you! (To be honest, Trump strikes me as the kind of guy who - deep down - doesn’t really give a rats patoot that the Dems impeached him!!)

*****

Nancy Pelosi is being mocking on social media for wearing a funeral-like black dress and calling the proceedings “Somber”.

- I watched her… and I haven’t seen anyone in a black dress so EXCITED since Caitlyn Jenner’s Coming Out Party.

*****

Forget plastic surgery… More and more celebrities are hiring “Personal Face Trainers”… who get their facial muscles in shape by putting them through a workout.

- Kim Kardashian bragged that she can bench press 100 pounds with each side of her face. At least I THINK that’s what she meant by “Cheeks”.

*****

A retired Air Force General claims the U.S. Military has technology that can transport a person anywhere on earth within an hour.

- Unless the place you want to go is the front of the line at the Secretary of States office.

*****

Bernie Sanders is rumored to be considering Elizabeth Warren as his running mate if he wins the Democratic nomination.

- Liz was so excited she started dancing. And suddenly it started to rain. Coincidence? Maybe.

*****

In response to Corporate complaints that workers spend too much time in the bathroom, the “British Toilet Association” is pushing a new toilet with a sloping seat that makes sitting on it uncomfortable after 5 minutes.

- Brits say they’re 100% Behind it!!

- So now in Britain, the only one allowed to stay on the Throne for more than 5 minutes is the Queen.

*****

Amazon has come up with a way to “distract” people from pesky arguments at Holiday gatherings. Just say “Alexa… Change the subject” and she’ll suggest a new topic of conversation like “What’s the best Christmas Song?”

- For me it’s toss up between “Chesnuts Roasting On An Open Fire Caused By Global Warming”, “Rudolph The Red Nose Russian Connection” and “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of The Year For Impeachment!”. Those should distract people from arguing at the Christmas table!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Today’s the day… At 7pm the House of Representatives will officially vote on 2 Articles of Impeachment against Prez Trump.

- Then they’ll all go out to a bar where Nancy Pelosi will order a White Russian for Trump and he’ll order a SHOT and a Beer for her. On the House.

*****

Tonight’s Impeachment vote comes almost 21 years to the day Bill Clinton was impeached.

- Not that it matters, but you gotta admit Monica Lewinsky is way better looking than the President of Ukraine.

*****

Former Child star Maitland Ward says she makes more money doing Porn than she ever did working for Disney.

- Back then she worked with Sneezy and Grumpy. Today it’s Sleezy and Humpy.

*****

Monday Night Football Announcer Booger McFarland is being mocked after he drew an image on the telestrator that resembled a penis.

- On the bright side, he’s used to “being mocked”… since his name is “Booger McFarland”.

*****

77 year old Joe Biden released a letter from his doctor which says he has atrial fibrillation, has acid reflux and takes heart & cholesterol medication.

- Joe takes more pills than Bill Cosby’s dates.

- Instead of running for Presidents, sounds like Joe Should be running for “Resident”… of an Assisted Living Home.

*****

The makers of a Parenting APP say that 40% of boys have sent a SEXT message by the age of 14.

- The other 60% RECEIVED a Sext message from one of their female teachers.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Taco Bell is opening a “Tram-Thru” in Australia that allows riders to place an order and pick it up their tacos when they pass the restaurant.

- I suggest eating near the Tram’s bathroom since your Caboose may be on fire.

*****

A man in CA has set a new eating record… Having Chik-fil-A 114 days in a row.

- I’ve never had a Chic-fil-A but they’re opening new locations in Novi and Allen Park to go with the ones in Rochester, Troy and Yspilanti. So soon we’ll know why the PEOPLE crossed the road… to get to the Chicken Sandwich.

*****

Pics have surfaced of 61 year old Madonna being hugged passionately from behind by her 25-year-old boyfriend on the balcony of a hotel in Miami.

- Do you think there’s any chance he was just doing the Heimlich Maneuver?

*****

According to a massive new study, eating Chili Peppers 4 times a week reduces your risk of heart attack by 40% and stroke by 50%. Meanwhile, another study found that any amount of running can lower your risk of early death.

- And if you run to the store to get Chili Peppers… you could live FOREVER!

*****

A Florida woman was arrested for choking her female lover over a bag of potato chips.

- Police fear the “Potato Chip Attacker” will strike again because “No One Can Choke Just One”.

*****

Kanye West and Joel Osteen are in talks to bring his “Sunday Service” on tour.

- Joel will open the show with a Prayer and then Kanye will Rap things up.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders are almost neck and neck in the latest polls.

- And those are two wrinkly old necks.

*****

According to a new survey, almost 50% of adults in the US would rather get Cash to help pay off their debts than a Gift during the Holidays.

- Cash is the PERFECT for the guy who has everything… including Student Loans and a Mortgage.

*****

Harvey Weinstein said he’s done more for women than any other man in Hollywood and - for that - he should get a Pat on the Back.

- As opposed to all his female victims who he gave a Pat on the backSIDE.

*****

The Hallmark Channel has changed course again and announced that it will continue airing a commercial that shows two women kissing despite protests from a conservative women’s group.

- “Hallmark. When You Care Enough to PROTEST the Very Best”.

*****

Lori Laughlin and her husband are said to be conducting “Mock Trials” to get experience before they head into court for their College Admissions Scandal Trial early next year.

- I’m thinking they should skip the “Mock Trials” and go straight to the “Mock Prison” part.

*****

Hunter Biden’s is about to become a father for the 5th time! His 2nd wife, who he married two weeks after breaking up with his deceased brothers widow who he had been dating for two years after taking up with her following a week-long crack binge and whom he cheated on with an Arkansas stripper who had his baby and is now suing him for child support… is Pregnant!!!

- Nothing like a feel-good romance to brighten the Holidays!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new research report claims Home Assistants like the Amazon Echo have been activating and listening to couples’ having sex.

- Turns out “Alexa” is a lot easier to turn on than your partner.

*****

A new poll found that 63% of DEMOCRATS think Obama was a better President than Washington.

- Meanwhile… 0% of REPUBLICANS think Obama was a better President than Mr. Belvedere.

*****

A Ugandan man who can kill mosquito’s simply by “breaking wind” has been hired by an extermination company to create a Bug Repellent.

- He’ll start the new job as soon as he gives his two-week notice at the Gas Company.

*****

Harvey Weinstein is close to settling out of court with his #MeToo accusers for $25 MILLION.

- The lesson here is “If You Keep Taking Off Your Pants… You End Up Losing Your Shirt”.

*****

A video of an Amish man skiing off the back of a carriage has gone viral on the internet.

- Too bad he has no way to watch the video.

*****

Elizabeth Warren admitted that she made almost $2 MILLION doing legal work for big corporate clients over the past 30 years.

- She says she’s embarrassed now, but at the time it was a real Feather in her cap.

******

One of Kim Kardashian’s former friends claims in a new novel that Kim’s mom, Kris Jenner is the one who convinced Kim to sell her infamous sex tape for $5 MILLION.

- It’s just like when my Mom convinced me to get a paper route. Except for the sex and millionaire part.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick