Happy Birthday to Rapper 50 Cent who is 47 today…

- Of course if you factor in inflation… he now goes by the name $1.75.

*****

WARNING: This story (actually - this picture - may be disturbing to some - not to mention RIDICULOUS - but it IS all over the internet and TV!)

A 28 year old Democrat STATE SENATOR FROM RHODE ISLAND named Tiara Mack posted a campaign video of herself TWERKING upside down in a bikini WHILE ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR HER FOR RE-ELECTION.

- We’ve gone from “The Shining City on the Hill” to “The Big Butt on the Beach”… Am I the only one who’s worried about where this country is headed??????

*****

As inflation continues to send prices up, some grocery stores have starting putting the same electronic security tags they use on expensive items like bottles of booze, on blocks of cheese as well… to fend off shoplifters.

- If you’re a fan of Velveeta like I am… you know this security move is looong overdue.

*****

First son Hunter Biden joined his father on the White House Balcony to watch the Fourth of July Fireworks Monday night.

- There was plenty of “Ooohing” and “Ahhing”… and that was even BEFORE Hunter’s Hooker showed up in her “Sexy Betsy Ross” Costume.

*****

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot gave a speech calling for an end to the “Toxicity in our public Discourse”… just days after she shouted “F*** Clarence Thomas!” in regard to the Supreme Court ruling on Roe v. Wade.

- Well, as they say, it’s a woman’s perrogative to change her mind! (Although who am I to say what a “Woman” is?? After all, I’m no Biologist…)

*****

Brad Pitt says he suffers from “Facial Blindness” - a rare genetic condition that makes it difficult for him to recognize people - even family members by their faces.

- Brad’s been married to Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. I’m no Doctor… but isn’t it ODD that someone who is “FACIALLY BLIND” only ends up married to BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE??? How come we don’t see him dating Rosie O’Donnell??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

I hope you had a great Independence Day weekend!

Meanwhile… a new poll found that two of three young adults in Gen Z ( 10 to 25 year olds) don’t know who America declared its independence from… with one in three thinking July 4th celebrates America’s Independence from NATIVE AMERICANS.

- HOW?? HOW could have we let this happen???

- Well that would explain why Elizabeth Warren looks so angry all the time.

*****

But wait… there’s more!!! 8% say on the 4th of July we celebrate our Freedom from… SOUTH AMERICA.

- See… Even MORE reasons to keep tearing down statues of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson!!!

*****

Hot Dog Eating phenom Joey "Jaws" Chestnut ate his way to a 15th win at the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, NY yesterday, scarfing down 63 hot dogs and buns - in just 10 minutes.

- In a related story, I had two 99% Fat Free All White Meat Turkey Hot Dogs (Without buns- who needs the carbs??) at my daughter Jackie’s 4th of July BBQ yesterday - along with Baked Beans, Coleslaw, Chips & Guacamole in about 7 MINUTES. So there!

*****

A hero police officer helped deliver a baby in a gas station parking lot in Atlanta over the weekend. The mom and dad were rushing to the hospital when they realized they weren’t going to make it, got the cops’s attention and pulled their car into the lot.

- The baby weighed 7 pounds 6 ounces and the gas was $4.89 a gallon.

*****

86 year old Bette Nash of Boston has been named the World Longest-Serving Flight Attendant. She began as a “Stewardess” for Eastern Airlines in 1957 before becoming a flight attendant for American - a job she holds to this day.

- Bette says a lot has changed over the years… She says passengers used to dress up in nice clothes to fly… now fists fly and some passengers barely wear clothes.

*****

NASA’s administrator Bill Nelson says that China’s state owned Space Corporation, may be PLANNING A “TAKEOVER” OF THE MOON as part of its Military Space Program.

- “Houston… We have a problem”!!

*****

The Hotel Industry is reportedly so desperate for workers… they’re giving jobs to anyone who shows up for an interview - No experience needed… with one industry expert saying, “You can basically just walk in off the street and get a job”.

- This isn’t the first time Street Walkers have walked in off the street into a hotel and gotten work… and it won’t be the last.

*****

Happy Birthday to Huey Lewis who is 72 today!

He still “Wants a New Drug”… but these days, it’s Lipitor.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

From the Purtan Family to You and Yours… Have a Safe, Healthy and Happy 4th of July in what remains the Greatest country on Earth!

See you back here Tomorrow!

-Dick

Hillary Clinton - who went to Law School with Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas - said he’s “Been a person of grievance for “as long as she’s known him” and that he’s been “full of anger and resentment his whole life”.

- Well it takes one to know one!

*****

A squirrel interrupted a Pittsburgh Pirates game the other night by running around the outfield.

- At first he looked like all the other players… just standing there rearranging his nuts.

*****

According to a new survey, 1 in 4 people don’t know that Caterpillars transform into Butterflies.

- Apparently most people assume Caterpillars just “Transform” into another Gender like everybody else is doing these days.

*****

According to a new study… tiny 8-legged mites could be having sex on your face while you’re asleep.

- Well that explains the teensy tiny little pair of black socks I found on my pillow this morning.

- I don’t care what they do as long as their quiet. I’m a light sleeper.

*****

Starting tomorrow - July 1st - Broadway Theaters are lifting their Mask mandates.

- It’s about time! If you want to see someone in a Mask you’re gonna have to go see Phantom of the Opera.

*****

Transgender ex-neo-Nazi bank robber, Donna Langan - who is serving life in prison for armed robbery - will get “Gender Surgeries' fast-tracked by the Texas Bureau of Prisons after filing a lawsuit against the agency over delays.

- I don’t care who she is… or who she used to be… she sounds like my kinda gal.

*****

Nancy Pelosi and her husband Paul met with the Pope in Rome this week... ahead of Paul Pelosi’s sentencing for Drunk Driving later this summer.

- The Pope reportedly told Pelosi's husband that he "forgives him"... but he still wouldn't give him the keys to the Popemobile.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to a new poll, the majority of people are NOT changing their Fourth of July plans because of high gas prices.

- Whether you’re traveling or staying home, there’s one thing you can do to celebrate the 4th that won’t cost you a dime: FLY YOUR FLAG!!!!

*****

Tuesday, Jeffrey Epstein’s galpal Ghislaine Maxwell was sentenced to 20 years in prison for her role in his Sexual trafficking scandal.

- Maxwell is said to know the names of all the famous people who visited Epstein's famous Sex Island - so it's anyone's guess as to who's going to be the first one to try to “off her”.

*****

A 25 year old former White House Aide gave what is being touted as “bombshell” testimony in the Jan. 6th hearings yesterday, claiming that she’d been told that President Trump tried to grab the wheel of the Presidential Limo and drive to the Capitol on 1/6 - a claim that the Secret Service agents in the car at the time say isn’t true.

- Reminds me of the time I was at Paradise Park on Grand River in Novi riding shotgun on the Go-Karts with my Grandson Brayden. I thought things were great, but afterwards he told a different story. Brayden blabbed to anyone who would listen that when we went into a sharp turn, I lurched for the steering wheel saying, “Hey…. I’m the Boss!!!” He may only be 10… but he says he’s organizing a 4th Grade Committee to Investigate.

*****

According to a new report in the British Journal of Sports Medicine, Middle-aged people who can’t stand on one leg for at least 10 seconds appear to be at higher risk of dying within a decade.

- I’m no Doctor… But I think the point here is obvious: DON’T TRY TO STAND ON ONE LEG.

*****

Cops were called to Disney’s Animal Kingdom when a wife slapped her husband - but the couple told police they “rarely argue” but were “pushed over the edge” by the stress of the their Disneyworld Vacation.

- That Mad Teacup Ride can really take it out of you.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A video has gone viral that shows a Ukrainian man casually going about his morning shave with an unexploded missile lodged in the ceiling of his house.

- As the Folgers Commercial says… “The Best Part of Waking Up… Is to Shave and Not Blow Up!”

*****

President Biden’s abilities were called into question again when he accidentally flashed a “Cheat Sheet” to the cameras on Friday which showed bullet point instructions for a meeting including, “YOU sit in YOUR seat”.

- In today’s crazy world, did anyone think that maybe the Prez has decided to Identify as “Gender Fluid” and try out some new “Personal Pronouns”??? Hey… I’m just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here.

*****

World Leaders gathered for the G7 Summit in Bavaria mocked the absent Vladimir Putin with jokes about showing their pecs and going horseback riding shirtless.

- I’m no fan of Vlad’s… but there are two World Leaders that I wouldn’t want to see shirtless on a horse: Ex-German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Kim Jong Un.

*****

With more than 3000 Dentists calling it quits during the last COVID lockdown, many people in Britain have been forced into “Do-It-Yourself Dentistry”… with people pulling their own teeth with pliers.

- Personally speaking, you’d never get me to do that! Why that would be like….. Pulling teeth. (Sorry! Ba da Boom!)

*****

A man in India threw a surprise party with 4000 guests and an 800 pound cake to celebrate… his Dog’s Birthday.

- Did it really need to be a “Surprise” party?? Did he think someone was going to tell the dog??

- And all the guests got extra cake to take home in a Doggy Bag!! (Another Ba da Boom!!)

*****

Firefighters in Pennsylvania rescued a man who accidentally fell into a vat of chocolate at the Mars Candy Factory during his work shift.

- The man is expected to survive but was mad at firefighters saying, “Mind your own business… I LIKED it in there!!!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A Bloodhound named “Trumpet” beat out more than 3500 dogs to become the first Bloodhound to ever win “Best in Show” in the Westminster Dog Shows History Wednesday night.

- For those of you not into Dog Shows… Westminster is just like the Super Bowl. But instead of “Taking a Knee” on the field… the competitors occasionally “Lift a Leg”.

*****

According to a recent study, almost half the world’s rivers are contaminated with over-the-counter and prescription drugs including antidepressants, painkillers and tranquilizers.

- Well no wonder that Old Man River just keeps rollin… Just keeps rollin’ along. He’s whacked out on drugs!

*****

A rare celestial occurrence is underway… Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn will be visible every morning from now until the end of June in a planetary alignment not seen since 1864.

- But if you want to know if those jeans make Uranus look big, you’ll still have to ask your husband.

*****

Ohio State University has officially registered a trademark for the word "THE" after a nearly three-year battle to clinch legal branding access to a word that's “deeply meaningful to the school's overall identity”.

- And, more importantly, it’s the one word most OSU students and alumni can actually SPELL!!!

*****

Farmers in Thailand have begun feeding cannabis to their chickens… saying chickens fed with cannabis are known to taste better and more tender.

- The idea goes way back to former President Herbert Hoover who promised “A car in every garage, a chicken in every pot… and Pot in Every Chicken”.

- If you thought Kenny Rogers’ Chicken was good… Wait til you try Willie Nelson’s!

*****

With VP Kamala Harris’s approval ratings continuing to fall, the Democrat National Committee has slashed the price of a photo op with the VEEP from $15,000 to $5000 per photo.

- And if you’re a Kamala fan and REALLY want to be smart about it, I’ll have one of my grandkids Photoshop you into a pic with her… Just send me $5 bucks!

*****

Speculation is continuing to grow around Pope Francis and whether he will resign or not after he was seen needing assistance walking.

- The Pontiff also recently signed up for the AARP Magazine. (The American Association of Retired Popes).

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

- Dick

Happy Birthday to TV’s Original “Bionic Woman”, Lindsay Wagner who turns 73 today!

And while it’s not her Birthday today, we also salute Madonna… the Original “Anti-Biotic Woman”!

*****

There’s a new way to beat the heat… For a limited time, you can enjoy the “Frenchsicle”… a Popsicle made with tomatoes, hot sauce and tomato sauce. Sorry… Only available in Canada.

- They had 57 varieties to choose from… and this is the one they went with??

*****

One of Elon Musk's son’s has petitioned a California court to recognize his new name and gender, saying SHE no longer wishes to be related to her famous and wealthy father. 18 year old Xavier will now be known as “Vivian”.

- No word yet on whether Vivian will now be know as “Broke”.

*****

Barack and Michele Obama just signed a new deal with Amazon worth a cool $20 MILLION dollars to produce TWO PODCASTS with 8 episodes each.

- The money will help Barack keep his promise to Michelle… “If you like your $12 MILLION Martha’s Vineyard Estate… You Can KEEP Your $12 MILLION Martha’s Vineyard Estate”.

*****

90 year old Martha Stewart says she’s “symptom free” and “feeling fine” but is quarantining as a precaution after testing Postive for Covid.

- On a bright note… By adding a little Glitter Glue, she turned her Nasal Test Swab and an old mask into an elegant Bud Vase and charming Essential Oil Diffuser.

*****

After 85 years as a kid favorite, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is officially changing its name to…. “Kraft Mac & Cheese”.

- Apparently the “aroni” part of “Mac-aroni” was just a little too controversial for the “Woke” crowd. It sounded too “Ethnic”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to the Beach Boy’s Brian Wilson who is 80 today!

- Brian says he'll spend the day having "Fun, Fun, Fun until his Grandson takes the keys to the T-Bird Away..." as he's no longer allowed to drive at night.

*****

President Biden took a spill off of his bike while he was out for a ride in Delaware over the weekend - but, luckily, was wearing a helmet and wasn't injured.

- The White House blamed the fall on Supply Chain issues, the Pandemic, Donald Trump and "Putin's War".

- I blame the lack of Training Wheels.

*****

FINA - The International Swimming Federation has ruled that Transgender Women - those who were born men but “transitioned” to become women CANNOT compete in Elite Women’s Swimming Events unless they began hormone treatments that stopped them from going through male puberty on or before age 12.

- Things have certainly gotten more confusing than they used to be. When I was 12… I was worried about LOOKING at girls… not BECOMING one.

*****

7 members of a production team from the "Late Show with Stephen Colbert" were arrested and charged with unlawful entry to the Capitol last week after they were discovered by Capitol Police roaming the halls trying to film a comedy skit without any id or badges.

- Sounds like an INSURRECTION to me!!!!!

*****

Jennifer Lopez introduced her child Emme with the gender neutral pronouns “They/Them” when inviting the 14 year old onstage to sing a duet with her in Los Angeles over the weekend.

- Question: If you invite someone who goes by “They/Them” to sing a “Duet” with you… is it really a DUET?? Or is it more of a TRIO??

*****

Rut Linnéa Ingegärd Larsson, of Sweden became the Oldest Person Ever to successfully complete a Tandem Skydiving Jump last month… at the age of 103 years and 259 days old. Larsson said it was, “Exhilarating… but a little bit scary” adding “I almost wet my pants!”.

- Well I would think so! At 103 you don’t have to skydive to wet your pants… I would think it happens naturally.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

- Dick

Happy Birthday to Apache Chief Geronimo today!

Of course he’s long gone, but the word in the family is that my Great Grandfather was a good friend of his. (??) He said Geronimo even gave him a Horse one time. But then he took it back. Indian Giver!

*****

The View co-host Sunny Hostin said she wants a ticket with VP Kamala Harris and Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg running together.

- Running for what?? Prom King and Queen??

- I don’t what Hostin’s smokin’ but I’m pretty sure it’s not Geronimo’s Peace Pipe.

*****

Nancy Pelosi made an appearance on “RuPaul's Drag Race” TV Show on VH1 - telling the audience of Drag Queens, “Your freedom of expression of yourselves in drag is what America is all about”.

- I’m starting to think Nancy’s husband isn’t the only one throwing back a few cocktails.

*****

American researcher Christopher Balding says he’s uncovered evidence that China is making “Smart” Coffee Makers in order to spy on Americans in their homes.

Why don’t we all do what I did when I was a kid! I got a plastic shovel and started digging a hole because I heard it would go all the way from my backyard to CHINA. I only got about a foot and a half down before my Mother called me in for dinner, so I don’t know if it’s TRUE… but if it is… Let’s do it again… and then WE can spy on THEM!

*****

Kim Kardashian is denying reports that she “damaged” the iconic dress Marilyn Monroe wore to sing Happy Birthday to JFK back in 1962. Kim borrowed it and wore it to the Met Gala last month. She says she couldn’t have stretched it out as she “had it on for less than 15 minutes”.

- If ANYBODY could stretch something out in 15 minutes or less it’s Kim. I mean C’mon… that comes out to 7.5 minutes per cheek!

*****

Wow! Dr. Fauci has tested positive for COVID.

So if you ever wondered if being fully vaccinated, having 27 boosters and wearing 496 masks can prevent YOU from getting COVID… the answer is… NO.

*****

In order to be “Closer to the Queen”, Prince William and Kate Middleton are moving into Adelaide Cottage. The only problem is… disgraced Prince Andrew had his eye on the same property but, being on the outs with the family, lost it and now feels “GAZUMPED” according to Royal Experts.

- Well maybe if he hadn’t done so much “GAZUMPING” with the girls on Jeffrey Epstein’s Island he wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Excessive Heat Warning for all of Metro Detroit today… with temps in the 90’s! When you factor in the humidity… that means it will feel like 105-107 this afternoon.

Remember all Spring when it was cold and wet for days on end and we were whining and complaining about how it was NEVER going to be Summer?? Well here it is!

*****

The World Health Organization confirmed that they will “Rename” the Monkeypox Virus after a group of Scientists called the current name “Racist and discriminatory towards Africa”.

- Who cares what the “SCIENTISTS” think… Did anybody think to ask the MONKEYS??

*****

Move over Disney… According to a new survey by TripAdvisor.com, the #1 Themepark in America is… DOLLYWOOD!

- I’ve never been… but I hear the “Majestic Mountains Double Roller Coaster” is CRAZY fun! You go Up… and then plunge into total darkness in “Cleavage Crossing”!!!

- And if you’re looking for a gift Dad will love this Father’s Day… Check out the “Dolly Parton FAST PASS” to “Dolly’s Bra & Grill!” - sorry, that’s “BAR & Grill”.

*****

Speaking of Rides… Disney is offering what is calls a “Bucket List Adventure”… A 24-Day Private Jet trip to all 12 Disney Parks around the World - plus stops at other manmade wonders including the Taj Mahal and the Pyramids. The Price: $110,000 per person.

- When they say “Pyramids”… are they talking about the ones in Egypt or Dolly Parton? (She admits they’re not real!)

*****

Mick Jagger had to cancel some upcoming concerts after testing positive for COVID, but says he hopes to reschedule soon.

- But no one knows better than Mick that You Can’t Always Get What You Want.

*****

Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm says gas prices are a “Very compelling case” to buy an electric car as gas prices soar over $5 nationwide.

- And the $60,000 t0 $70,000 base price tag for an electric car is a “Very compelling case” to keep the gas powered car that you already own.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s Flag Day!!! The day we celebrate and remember the introduction of the Country's first flag on June 14, 1777, as the official American flag by the Continental Congress.

*****

Yesterday, Little Caesars and the NFL announced a multi-year partnership that names Little Caesars as the Official Pizza of the NFL.

- So even if the the Lions aren’t “Hot ‘n Ready”… at least the Pizza will be!

*****

The January 6th hearings resumed yesterday with the second session focusing on Donald Trump’s claims that the Election was “Stolen”.

- Just to clarify… yesterday’s hearing covered TRUMP’s claims that the 2020 Election was Stolen. The hearings about HILLARY’s ongoing claims that the 2016 Election was stolen are next on the schedule … But don’t your breath.

*****

Experts are warning consumers to be on the lookout for “Shrinkflation”. Shrinkflation is an economic term that describes the practice companies use - where they keep prices the same, but reduce the amount of PRODUCT in the Package.

- As opposed to “Shrinkage” - which is when the “Package” itself actually gets Smaller. (Thank you George Costanza on Seinfeld).

*****

Bridal Fashion Experts say one of the hottest trends in Wedding Dresses this year is… Black Gowns… with more and more brides ditching the traditional White Dress and choosing a “Dark, dramatic ensemble” instead.

- Nothing says… “Til Death Do Us Part” than a dress that doubles as Funeral wear.

*****

Happy Birthday to Donald Trump, Boy George, & Daughter #1 Jennifer today!!!

- The former President turns 76, Boy George is 60… and my daughter Jennifer wouldn’t reveal her age. Even to me. You know how the ladies are about those kind of things…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Gas prices hit a national record high average of $5.01 a gallon over the weekend… with the average price in Michigan at $5.21 for regular (as of this writing).

- Being the fun guy I am… I’ve turned it into a game! Every morning I get up and try to guess which has gone up higher… Gas Prices or my Blood Pressure.

*****

Queen Elizabeth II officially became the world's second-longest serving monarch of all time Sunday, having officially reigned as head of state for 70 years and 126 days.

- With all the family drama she’s been through… I’m sure it seems more like 80 years and 126 days.

*****

Louis XIV of France holds the title for longest-serving sovereign with 72 years and 110 days. He was on the throne from 1643 until 1715.

- And that’s why to this day he’s known as the “King of Hemorrhoids”. So apparently it’s not ALWAYS “Good to be the King”.

*****

Prince Harry took an embarrassing fall off the spirited horse he was riding in a Polo Match in California over the weekend.

- Meghan rushed over and threatened to “Have the clumsy beast put down”… and she wasn’t very nice to the horse either.

*****

Juan Carlos Garcia, the first CEO of Amazon Mexico, remains on the lam even as the trial in which he is charged with killing his wife begins today.

- He was supposed to be in court by 8am this morning with Prime, but is now expected to be delivered to court Wednesday by 3pm… OR he can ask for a refund.

*****

Ted Cruz is taking heat for comparing Liberal Woke-Craziness to the old “Girls Gone Wild” Videos adding that he’s glad we don’t have to see Elizabeth Warren and AOC in bikinis.

- To be fair, at least he didn’t add Nancy Pelosi to that list.

*****

On this day in 1920 the U.S. Post Office announced that children could no longer be sent by parcel post.

- And that Boys and Girls… is how the Stork got involved in delivering babies.

*****

Happy Birthday to Detroit’s own Tim Allen who turns 69 today!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new large-scale study found that Optimists were more likely to make it to the age of 90 than their more negative counterparts.

- Case in point: My dad made it to 96. He always had a a smile on his face and loved to tell stories of the adventures he’d lived through - claiming they were all TRUE. For example… One time he told me that he’d survived a Flight from Cincinnati to Buffalo in a storm so bad that the plane FLEW UPSIDE DOWN FOR HALF AN HOUR. He said he just “thought positive thoughts” and knew everything would be fine. When I questioned his story, he nailed a toy airplane upside down to a piece of wood and gave it to me as a reminder that you can survive anything as long as you stay positive. Uh huh. I’ll you one thing I’m POSITIVE about… His story was B.S.!

*****

Scientists have discovered that Scallops are uncontrollably attracted to Disco Lights.

- How long before “The People for the Ethical Treatment of Scallops” are out on the street protesting??

- Interesting. But I hope Scallops don’t become attracted to Disco SONGS. I’m not sure I could stand listening to Donna Summer’s 7 minute Disco Version of MacArthur Park… one more time.

*****

The number of Monkeypox cases in the U.S. has risen to 30… but the CDC says it seems “contained”.

- Oh sure… they say that NOW. But how long until we start hearing about the “Davy Jones”, “Michael Nesmith”, “Micky Dolenz” and “Peter Tork” variants??

*****

There’s a new Kid’s book out called “I am Dolly Parton”.

- It’s designed to teach little ones the alphabet… but it only goes from A to Triple D.

*****

The soft-on-crime District Attorney of San Francisco has lost his job after getting voted out in a recall election.

- He says the election was “stolen”… Hmmmm…. Ya think maybe it was by one on those criminals he let out of jail??

*****

A new 10 year study out of South Wales found that men who have sex “frequently” reduce their risk of dying by 50% compared to men who only have sex once a month or less.

- Go ahead guys. I’ll wait while you go tell your wife.

- You’re welcome.

*****

I know we just mentioned him earlier in the week, but… today is officially “National Donald Duck Day”!!

- So relax and do what Donald does… Drop your Drawers and Shake Your Tail Feathers! (But no Twerking!!!)

*****

A 21 year old North Carolina native and recent graduate of NC State was the winner of last weekends “Cooper’s Hill Cheese Roll” in England… taking home the coveted “Wheel of Cheese”.

- Well… Gouda for her!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Nancy Sinatra who is 82 today! I was gonna say Something Stupid about Her Boots Being Made For Walking… but instead, I decided to mention that, ironically, she’s now the same age her father Frank was when he passed away in 1998.

*****

Rapper Cardi B posted a three-minute long video on Social Media to teach new Mom’s how to change a baby’s diapers without wrecking your manicure.

- How long before the White House taps her to tackle the Baby Formula Crisis??

*****

A new viral video shows President Biden’s son Hunter in a hotel room partying naked with a prostitute while holding a handgun.

- Remember when we thought Billy Carter “Making his Bladder Gladder” on the tarmac at an Airport in front of reporters was the most embarrassing thing a member of the President’s family could do? Ah… I miss the old days…

*****

A new poll found that 9 in 10 American adults have tried at least one weight loss strategy in their lifetime.

- And if you’ve been to Cedar Point lately, you know that most of those attempts FAILED.

- I’m NOT Judging. I’ve lost the same 5 pounds so many times in my life they once appeared on the back of a milk carton.

*****

The Missouri Court of Appeals has upheld a decision ordering GEICO Insurance to pay $5.2 MILLION to a woman who claims she caught a sexually transmitted disease from a romantic partner - in his CAR.

- Geico may have to change their slogan from “15 minutes Could Save You 15% or More” to “2 Minutes Could Cost You $5 MILLION or More”.

*****

An Amish man in Ohio was arrested for being drunk while driving a horse and buggy.

- Police say he fell off the wagon as a result of falling off the wagon.

*****

RIP… Jim Seals… One-half of the 70’s duo Seals and Crofts whose hits included “Summer Breeze”, “Get Closer” and “Diamond Girl” has died at 80.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Doctors in the UK are asking anyone with Monkey Pox to stop the spread by not having sex.

- No one was more disappointed by the news than “Curious George”.

*****

A Chinese restaurant in Queens, New York was vandalized by a regular customer who had been kicked out earlier that day for not wearing pants.

- No pants? Who does he think he is? Donald Sweet & Sour Duck??

- What is it about Ducks and not wearing pants?? Donald… Daffy… even Daisy! But being a “woman” (although I’m not a biologist so I had to look it up) she wears “Feathers”.

*****

President Biden has refused to provide Secret Service Protection for Hunter Biden's illegitimate love-child with a stripper.

- I’m thinkin maybe if Hunter had thought about “Protection” a few years ago… this wouldn’t be an issue right now.

*****

U.S. transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg said increasing production will be part of the solution to lowering gasoline prices.

- Great idea Pete! If only someone had thought of that before…

*****

A doctor is warning people that flying in economy class can actually reduce their sex drive.

- Forget your sex drive… If you’re assigned the DREADED MIDDLE SEAT, it can reduce your will to LIVE.

*****

In a move designed to make “Endangered Species” more inclusive, an appeals court in California has ruled that some types of Bees are now legally considered to be Fish.

- But the question remains… Can the Male BEES… Who are now FISH… Have GUPPIES???

*****

One year ago today, we lost my beautiful daughter, Julie - our baby - due to complications following surgery for Thyroid Cancer. She left behind her husband Brad, her son Brayden - now 10, friends too many to count, and a Dad & 5 sisters who are lost without our “#6”. But we take comfort knowing she is with her Mom, my beloved Gail who we lost in 2018.

Julie, Julie, Julie… We Love and Miss You!!!

-Dad

Ann Turner Cook - whose face became the iconic Gerber logo more than 90 years ago - died last Friday at age 95.

- They say she was a wonderful woman… although some of her relationships - like the peas she represented - were sometimes strained.

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During this weekends Platinum Jubilee Celebrations, Queen Elizabeth surprised everyone with a video she filmed with “Paddington the Bear” when she pulled a Marmalade sandwich out of her purse.

- If she had done the video with Harry and Meghan instead of the Bear, I’ll bet she would have pulled out a Bologna sandwich instead.

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Scandal plagued Prince Andrew was nowhere to be seen during the festivities - with his office saying he was staying away because he’d “tested positive for COVID”.

- Right. “I’ve got COVID” is the 2022 version of “The dog ate my homework”… which is probably what Andrew’s 14 year old ex-girlfriend suggested he tell the Queen.

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Gas in parts of California was going for $9.60 for a gallon on Friday.

- Well that’s one way to keep people from fleeing the state. Make it so expensive… they CAN’T drive away.

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85 year old Pope Francis has sparked rumors that he's going to retire soon after mobility issues forced him to use a cane and wheelchair last month.

- Well, that and the fact that an Amazon Prime truck was seen delivering Black socks, dress shoes, and a metal detector to his apartment at the Vatican.

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Today is the 78th anniversary of D-Day… when 156,000 American, British & Canadian forces stormed the beaches of Normandy in Nazi-occupied France.

- And I’m betting not one of those brave young soldiers spent even a second thinking about their Woke “preferred pronouns”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Queen Elizabeth was all smiles as she took to the balcony of Buckingham Palace with members of the Royal Family for the beginning of 4 days of celebration marking her 70 Years on the Throne.

- The Queen did not wear her Crown or carry her Scepter. For those of you that don’t know… a “Scepter” is a bejeweled staff carried by the Queen on Ceremonial Occasions. It’s also the terms the Queen uses for Meghan Markle… as in, “I love everyone in my family… ‘Cept HER”.

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It’s National “I Love My Dentist Day”! So I went out this year and bought my Dentist a Plaque to hang on his office wall. (Ba da Boom!)

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Elon Musk says he doesn't believe Tesla employees are being productive working from home and that they must return to the office 40 hours a week or look for another job.

- Apparently Elon’s not a fan of “Self-Driving Employees”.

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ABBA has made history by holding a virtual concert for a live audience in London starring the band’s “Virtual Holograms”.

- Everything was going great until the fans found out the stadium only had “Virtual Bathrooms”.

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Aerosmith has cancelled a concert after front-man Steven Tyler checked into rehab for a drug relapse.

- Steven is 74… so unlike his younger days, the drugs he relapsed on this time include Lipitor, Pepcid AC, and Viagra.

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A Chinese Tennis player had to withdraw from the French Open because she was experiencing menstrual cramps.

- I think it’s great that we’re so open about these things now. In my day that would have been treated as an “Ancient Chinese Secret”.

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1 in 4 food delivery drivers admit that they’ve done the “Horizontal Mambo” with someone in their delivery vehicle.

- So apparently your Pizza isn’t the only thing that’s been “Hot ‘n Ready” in their backseat.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Archaeologists have discovered some previously unknown mummies in Cairo, Egypt.

- Most of them were located in a “Condo made of Stone-a”.

- The lead archeologist said one of the mummies was discovered, “Buried with a donkey”. Later adding, He's my favorite honky!”.

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Speaking of Mummies… This weekend, Queen Elizabeth celebrates her 70th year on the Throne during her Platinum Jubilee.

- And the whole time Prince Charles will be following her around saying, “Mummy! Mummy! When are you going to step down and let ME be the KING??”

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According to a new report, President Biden is “angry” that the White House rushes to “clarify” and “walk back” some of his remarks… which he says makes him look “weak and not in charge”.

- Ya think??

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According to Britain’s leading artificial intelligence experts, by 2070 1 in 5 parents will likely opt for a computerized “digital baby” - which would cost about $25 a month to raise - over having a real one.

- Who wouldn’t love to hear the Pitter Patter of Little Pixels around the House??

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According to AAA, the national average for regular gasoline climbed by five cents on Wednesday to a new record of $4.67 a gallon… that’s up 48 cents in the past month alone.

- I guess that what the Biden Administration means when they say things are "Looking Up”.

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Theater owners are warning that a labor shortage and supply chain issues may lead to a severe Popcorn shortage at theaters across the country this summer.

- I’m okay with that… but there’s gonna be hell to pay if anyone messes with my Raisinettes. (Dark Chocolate of course! You know, for health reasons!?!?!)

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

“Top Gun: Maverick” set a new Memorial Day box office record bringing in $151 MILLION and landing Tom Cruise the biggest movie launch of his career.

- I saw the movie over the weekend and thought it was terrific… Tom Cruise was great. I hadn’t planned on mentioning it… but as you can see from the picture, Tom’s character was based on my Military career. But, hey, enough about me… This was Tom’s weekend!

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Nancy Pelosi’s 82 year old Husband Paul was arrested for drunk driving after a two-vehicle collision involving his Porsche in California over the weekend.

- He never should have gotten behind the wheel but to be honest… If anybody deserves a few cocktails it’s the guy married to Nancy.

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A team of scientists in the U.S. have accidentally created a group of overly aggressive Mutant Hamsters.

- Which will come in really handy if the US ever goes to war with PetSmart.

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The Mattel toy company has created the first-ever transgender Barbie Doll that retails for $40.00.

- Or you can save the 40 bucks and just put one of Barbie’s dresses on Ken.

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A 64-year-old retiree in Florida was arrested for pulling down his Speedo and exposing himself to a 28 year old woman on the beach.

- The man told the cops he “Didn’t see what the big deal was” at which point the woman said… “I was about to say the same thing”.

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Happy Birthday to Clint Eastwood who is 92 today.

- I’m bettin’ every time he wakes up he’s feelin’ lucky….. punk.

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It’s World Parrot Day! Of course this year… When Polly tells you she wants a Cracker, you’ll have to explain that with Inflation, Crackers just aren’t in the budget.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick