It’s National “Trust Your Intuition Day”… But to be honest, I don’t have a good feeling about this.

*****

Buddy Holly, the petit basset griffon Vendéen, has been named best in show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show – the first of his breed to win the prestigious contest’s top prize.

- Buddy’s trainer said… “He’s a real champion who showed beautifully and left everything on the field”. Well… that’s what Pooper-Scoopers are for.

*****

79 year old Robert De Niro’s girlfriend has given birth to the actor’s 7th child.

- He hasn’t revealed the baby’s sex or name yet… but did mentioned that he’s asked Al Pacino to be the baby’s Godfather.

*****

A “Political Expert” on MSNBC called CNN’s decision to broadcast a Town Hall with former Prez Donald Trump Wednesday night “Horrifically bad judgment”… Adding, "In journalism, you actually will control the questions and the answers”.

- I’m sorry… WHAT??? Journalists control the ANSWERS??? Then why ask the QUESTIONS in the first place??

*****

An Idaho man donned a boxing glove and used it to catch 84 tennis balls in 1 minute, breaking a Guinness World Record.

- Not a whole lot goin’ on in Idaho it would appear.

*****

According to new data, the Miami Marlins have the cheapest hot dogs in baseball at $3-dollars per weiner. while the The Baltimore Orioles have the most expensive hot dog in the MLB at $8.25 per dog.

- In a related story… The most expensive Weiner on Record is Anthony Weiner… who lost his job and got 18 years in the Slammer for sending pics of his Hot Dog to a Teenager.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Billy Joel who is 74! So let’s sing him a song… He’s the Piano Man! Let’s sing him a song tonight. Well we're all in the mood for a melody… And he’s got us feelin' alright!

*****

The 147th Westminster Dog Show will crown it’s “Best in Show” tonight… The culmination of a competition that saw 3,000 dogs from 210 different breeds hailing from 49 states and 13 different countries.

- The glitz and glamour gets underway tonight at 8… Followed immediately after by the Carpet Cleaning starting at 11pm.

- TIP: If you haven’t seen the movie “Best in Show”… I recommend you do! It’s an incredibly funny movie about a faux Dog Show.

*****

Sunny Hostin has admitted that her “The View” co-host Whoopi Goldberg was none too thrilled when Hostin claimed that Whoopi was the lady who “Passed the most gas” on the set of the talk show… but added that since their friends, Whoopi was, “Okay with it”.

- Well… that’s one way to “Clear the air”.

*****

A new survey finds more than 4 in 5 people admit to snooping through other people’s phones and computers… With the majority admitting they spy on their romantic partner’s devices.

- I would never do that! Mostly because I can barely unlock my OWN phone… let alone anybody elses.

*****

At a post-Coronation lunch Saturday, King Charles raised a toast to grandson Prince Archie wishing him a happy fourth birthday. Archie stayed back in California with his sister Lilibet and his mom, Meghan Markle.

- It’s a shame Archie could’t be there for his Grandpa’s big day… but hey, at least Archie’s Grandpa admits he’s a member of the family.

*****

A new study of Uranus’ large moons shows that four of them may hold water.

- In related news, a new study found that Kim Kardashian has four previously unidentified large moons that we didn’t know about before.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

On Saturday, hundreds of millions of people around the world watched Charles was officially crowned King of England and the United Kingdom.

- Charles in 74. I know I’m not alone when I say… It’s about time he got a job!

*****

The Archbishop of Canterbury had to place the Crown on King Charles head three times to keep from falling off…

- King Charles was so irritated that he issued his first proclamation of the new Monarchy… He turned to the Executioner, pointed to the Archbishop and ordered, “Off with his head!”

*****

Prince Harry was relegated to the third row with “lesser Royals” during the ceremony and was NOT invited to appear with the Royal Family on the balcony of Buckingham Palace.

- Although you’ve got to admit, Harry worked REALLY hard to be treated like the “Red Headed Stepchild”.

*****

Prince Andrew wasn’t allowed on the balcony either.

- Which actually freed him up to spend time with his date who was a member of the “Coronation Baton Twirling Team” from the local middle school.

*****

As prosecutors near a decision whether to bring criminal tax and gun charges against his son Hunter, the President declared during an interview Friday night that his son Hunter “has done nothing wrong”.

- Well okay then! I’m glad we got that cleared up!

*****

Actor Scott Baio who played Cha-Chi on “Happy Days” says crime is so bad in California, he’s ditching his $3 million dollar mansion and leaving the state for greener pastures.

- He’s even making a new sit-com about the move called, “Joanie may Love Cha-Chi… But Cha-Chi no Longer Loves L.A.”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new report says implementing “Summer Schedules” at work can improve team morale and productivity.

- Here’s an idea… How about we convince Mother Nature to start implementing a little “Summer Weather”around here FIRST.

*****

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has announced their 2023 class of inductees... and they include George Michael, Willie Nelson and The Spinners. Not making the cut... first time nominee, Cyndi Lauper.

- So I guess this time… This Girl is just Not Gonna Have Fun.

*****

The maker of Bud-Light said it will give a free case of beer to every wholesale employee to help make amends for the Dylan Mulvaney "Trans Influencer" Fiasco". Sales of Bud Light have been in free fall since partnering with the Trans Woman and has lost more than $6 BILLION.

- So their plan to make up for $6 BILLION in lost sales is to GIVE AWAY the beer for FREE??? Sounds like they've been drinking too much of their own product.

*****

A Royal Biographer says the REAL reason Meghan Markle won't attend King Charles Coronation this weekend is... She wants to "Protect her Peace".

- For those not into history… in 1066, William the Conqueror crossed the English Channel to defeat King Harold in the Battle of Hastings, eventually becoming the new King of England. Absent at his coronation: Duchess Markle… The Not-So-Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Grandmother of Meghan Markle who stayed home with the kids following a controversial interview with Lady O. Winfrey.

*****

A new survey finds that Americans are choosing cheaper summer vacation options this year due to the rising cost of Plane tickets.

- Two Words: CEDAR POINT!

*****

A court in the Netherlands has banned a man from fathering any more children… He’s got 550.

- I’m not one to hop on the “Sexism” bandwagon… but what about the WOMAN?? She’s given birth 550 TIMES?? Aren’t they going to ban HER??? Oh wait… I get it… There’s probably more than one woman involved…

- That reminds me of the time we were broadcasting the show live from Disneyworld in Orlando. We were about to interview Morey Amsterdam from the old Dick Van Dyke show who was down there promoting something when he looked at Jackie and said, “How are you?”. Being about 5 in the morning, Jackie responded, “I’m tired”. Morey looked at her and said, “You’re tired??… Imagine how Snow White feels!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

WH Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre sent the Internet into a meltdown yesterday when she claimed during her daily Press Briefing that the Biden Administration has “Brought down illegal immigration by 90%”.

- Hey Karine… Pinocchio wants his nose back!

*****

In a recent interview, “The View” cohost Sunny Hostin revealed that Whoopi Goldberg "Breaks Wind” more than any of the other co-hosts.

- Hey Sunny… Thanks for the info… That’s why they call it "Breaking" news!!

*****

Video of a Target store in San Francisco went viral after it showed nearly EVERY ITEM in the Health & Beauty Aisle encased in glass to prevent shoplifting.

- I’m not so concerned with the Health & Beauty Aisle as I am with the “Cleaning Aisle”… You know, the one with Comet, Tilex, etc… It must take me 5 to 10 minutes to find the item I’m looking for so I usually end up asking a woman shopper nearby if she’ll help me and 9 times out of ten she knows EXACTLY where to find the item on my shopping list. Either women are geniuses or I’m an idiot. Possibly both.

*****

Hunter Biden was chastised by an Arkansas Judge yesterday for blacking out all of his financial information on the records he submitted - despite appearing in her courtroom to prove he's too BROKE to afford his Child Support Payments for the love child he had with a Stripper four years ago.

- If the Judge really wants to make him pay, she should order Hunter to wear a Red “Make Child Support Great Again” Baseball Cap.

*****

Senator Elizabeth Warren slammed the Biden Administration after another big bank failed this week… claiming tax payers will be the ones left paying the bill. Three banks have failed so far this year.

- No wonder Liz is on the Warpath again.

- She says this wouldn’t have happened if Joe had made her Secretary of the Treasury… you know, someone higher up on the Totem Pole.

*****

RIP… Canadian singer-songwriter Gordon Lightfoot… who died in Toronto yesterday at the age of 84. He was known for songs like "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", "Sundown", "Carefree Highway", and "If You Could Read My Mind". Gordon was a “regular” on my morning radio show thanks to Big Al’s incredibly accurate impression of him and his songs. It was always one of my favorite character bits!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Friends and allies of Anthony Weiner are urging the disgraced ex-congressman to stage a political comeback.

- He went by “Carlos Danger” when he sent Naked pictures of himself to women… and after seeing them, the women said he was a real “Zorro”… or was that “Zero”???

*****

Last night, at the White House correspondents’ dinner, President Biden said “You say I’m over the hill, Don Lemon would say that’s a man in his prime.”

- And we know how well that worked out for Don.

******

Hunter Biden is in an Arkansas courtroom this morning trying to have his child support payments REDUCED for the love child he had with a Stripper four years ago… saying his financial circumstances “have changed” and he “can’t afford” to pay.

- REALLY??? Looks like Hunter may have finally “Painted” himself into a corner.

*****

According to a new survey, nearly 8 in 10 parents read their children the same books that were read to them as kids.

- Of course it’s the new “Woke” versions of the old classics. Like, “James and the Plus-Sized Peach” and “Charlotte’s an Influencer on the Web!”

*****

A new study finds that Artificial Intelligence programs like ChatGPT struggle with math and are unlikely to replace bankers and accountants.

- Well they can’t do much worse of a job than the “Real” people who are actually running the banks into the ground!

*****

An LA police sergeant is without a part of his pinky after it was bitten off and eaten by a man on the street.

- According to the Police report, “This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none. And then the Wolf came and he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down!! Excuse me… I think I’ve got the wrong ending on that.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

South Korean President Yoon Suk Yeol engaged in some “Karaoke Diplomacy” last night during a State Dinner at the White House when he grabbed the mic and sang Don McLean’s “American Pie”.

Then Joe took the mic and sang “Seoul Man” by Sam and Dave.

*****

Experts say having a “Personal Theme Song” can make doing “Hard” things in life easier… From doing unpleasant chores to taking tests to overcoming fears… listening to powerful, inspirational music can motivate you to do your best.

- Examples of “Motivating” songs include “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye & Tammy Terrell, “We are the Champions” by Queen” and my personal favorite, “My Ding a Ling” by Chuck Berry.

*****

According to a new study, monkeys are capable of complex thinking and making careful decisions.

- Even about their sexuality! Read all about it in the new book, “Bi-Curious George”.

*****

A French museum is hosting an “Art Exhibition” where the guests will have to strip naked to enter, followed by a drink and chat about the experience. A spokesman for the museum said the idea is, “to question the issue of the body in a given space, to see how bodies interact with other bodies”.

- 100 bucks says Hunter Biden’s artwork is somehow involved in this.

*****

Since he’s no longer a “Working Royal”, Prince Harry will be seated 10 ROWS BEHIND Prince William and the rest of the Royal Family for his father’s Coronation on May 6th.

- This is the equivalent of “Being seated at the kids table at Christmas Dinner”. Of course if that were the case, at least he’d get to sit with Prince Andrew!

*****

Disney is laying off several thousand workers across the company this week in its second wave of cuts.

- This go-round they're getting rid of Doc and Dopey, which had reportedly left even Happy feeling Grumpy.

*****

Australian golf fans went wild on the par 3 party hole, dubbed “The Watering Hole,” screaming and tossing beer cans after American golfer Chase Koepka hit a hole-in-one. (Koepka went on to finish tied for 24th at 10-under in the event)

- I’ll never forget the first time I got a hole in one… Incredible feeling! I was going to frame the ball, but I couldn’t get it back after it went into the Clown’s Mouth.

*****

RIP… Jerry Springer, one of the most influential and controversial figures in TV history and one time Mayor of Cincinnati , has died at 79 following a battle with Cancer.

- He will have a traditional “Jerry Springer Style” send-off… with funeral goers throwing chairs at each other.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Carol Burnett who turns 90 today! In honor of the occasion, NBC (not CBS - her old network) will host Carol Burnett: 90 Years of Laughter + Love, at 8pm tonight - a two hour musical comedy special with celebs including Julie Andrews and Cher.

- Actually it’s a dual celebration! Carol’s turning 90… and Cher’s having her 90th facelift!

*****

81 year old Bernie Sanders says he WON’T run for President in 2024 and is “Throwing his support behind Joe Biden”.

- He’d better be careful or he’s gonna throw his back out.

*****

A female fan is suing Country music singer Morgan Wallen for canceling a concert minutes before showtime when he lost his voice - despite tickets being refunded. The fan wants to be reimbursed for the cash she spent on food, transportation and “other incendentals” incurred in getting to the concert.

- I think Johnny Cash wrote a very prophetic country song about this woman years ago… “A Girl Named SUE”.

*****

Kamala Harris served up another helping of “Word Salad” yesterday…

"So I think it's very important, as you have heard from so many incredible leaders for us at every moment in time and certainly this one, to see the moment in time in which we exist and are present, and to be able to contextualize it, to understand where we exist in the history and in the moment as it relates not only to the past but the future”.

- Huh??

- Well put, Kamala. Well put…

*****

Chicago is on track to become the 8th State in the country to allow “Human Composting” - where, instead of being buried or cremated, the deceased is placed in a reusable vessel and turned into Climate friendly, nutrient-dense soil that can be used in the Garden!

- I can just see the family gathered in the backyard now… “Don’t be sad kids! Grandma may be gone… But you can still see her Green Thumb ALL OVER the Garden!!!!”

*****

Netflix announced that the animated comedy “Big Mouth” will have an eighth and final season.

- For those of you who might be confused by recent events… “Big Mouth” is NOT about any night time Cable TV News Anchors.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Well… it’s official. President Biden IS running for a second term in 2024… and Kamala Harris will be his running mate. He made the announcement despite 70% of AMERICANS saying they don’t want the 80 year old to run.

- But with Joe’s Senior Discount… that only comes out to about 65%, so it’s not as bad as it sounds.

*****

The media world was in meltdown mode yesterday as Fox News parted ways with ratings Powerhouse Tucker Carlson and CNN fired controversial anchor Don Lemon.

- Even critics think Tucker - who is 53 - will “land on his feet”… but aren’t so sure about Lemon. Don is 57… I’d say that’s “Past his Prime” as far as tv anchors go… Sound familiar, Don?????

- Media insiders say Tucker will likely end up with a highly successful podcast or going to another network… while Don Lemon has already been approached to join next season’s cast of “The Real Housewives of New York City”.

*****

The Belgian Government crushed 2,352 cans of Miller High Life beer last week… after taking exception to its slogan that it was “The Champagne of Beers”. The move came after the Champagne industry complained that the term should be used only on “bottles of sparkling wine made in Champagne, France”.

- Wow. In THIS country we don’t CRUSH cans of beer…. we hire men who dress up as women to sell it!

*****

After years of struggling to stay in business, Bed Bath & Beyond declared bankruptcy on Sunday. The retailer will close all of its remaining locations by June 30th and will only accept their famous “20% Off” coupons through TODAY… Tuesday, 4/25.

- Is it just me or do you think if maybe they just hadn’t spent all that money on paper and ink for the coupons… maybe they could have stayed in business??

*****

Alec Baldwin has officially returned to the set of the film “Rust”… just days after the involuntary manslaughter charges against him were dropped.

- Finally! Alec is back where he belongs… Shooting movies!!

*****

Police in Austin, Texas arrested 8 men and charged them with the illegal sale of nitrous oxide after they were found in an abandoned home with 13 tanks of laughing gas and hundreds of balloons.

- It was either a Clown Convention or a Dentist’s Retirement Party.

*****

RIP… Harry Belafonte who died this morning of congestive heart failure at the age of 96.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

BREAKING NEWS… TUCKER CARLSON AND FOX NEWS HAVE “PARTED WAYS” SENDING “SHOCK WAVES” THROUGH THE CABLE AND BROADCAST NEWS INDUSTRIES… DETAILS AS SOON AS AVAILABLE…

-Dick

Elon Musk’s Space X launched it’s Starship rocket- the largest Spacecraft in the World - this morning, but about three minutes into it’s inaugural flight, it experienced a major malfunction and the mission was aborted.

- Hey… It happens to everyone.

*****

It’s April 20th… or 4/20 - The day that has become an International Counterculture Holiday based on the Celebration and Consumption of Cannabis.

- Or for those of you who like to putter around the garden… The day to get your “Weeding” done.

*****

A supervisor at the IRS has come forward as a Whistleblower saying he has information that the Biden administration is mishandling the investigation into Hunter Biden’s Taxes. The unidentified IRS Agent says the President’s son is receiving “Preferential Treatment”.

- Republicans have vowed to get to the bottom of all Hunter’s scandals, “By Hooker, by Crook”.

*****

Police in Chicago arrested a 36 year old man this week who has robbed the SAME RETAIL STORE 11 TIMES since December.

- Talk about bad luck! He was just one theft short of winning the Mayor’s “Loyal Looter of the Year” Award when the cops caught him.

*****

Canadian Actress Rachel McAdams… who starred in “Mean Girls” and “The Notebook” is making waves for posing on the cover of a Woman’s Magazine in Lingerie and make-up with her underarm hair on full display. Rachel says, “Life is long… and shaving is intense”.

- Call me old fashioned… But when I think of a girl staying home on Saturday night to “Wash her hair”… I always picture her washing the hair on her HEAD.

*****

A group of 101 skydivers over the age of 60 gathered in California to create mid-air formations and break two world records.

- Not to mention… seventeen hips.

*****

Swedish furniture giant IKEA announced that they’ll invest $2 BILLION to build 8 new stores in the U.S. in the next 3 years.

- It’s ironic. They can build 8 new stores in 3 years… But buy one dresser… and it’ll take two DECADES to put together… and you still end up with five extra screws.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Fox News reached an out of court settlement with Dominion Voting Systems in their $1.6 BILLION defamation law suit over the 2020 Election. Fox will reportedly pay Dominion $787.5 MILLION.

- Although President Trump is demanding a recount of the actual amount to be paid.

*****

Elon Musk says that when it comes to Artificial Intelligence’s impact on our lives… “Things are getting weird… and they're getting weird fast”.

- That’s the same way Hunter Biden’s “Dates” describe their first night out with him. (It also reminds of the scene between Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina in the Austin Powers Movie!)

*****

Musk also said that despite all of his work with Space X… as of now, he hasn’t seen any evidence of Alien life anywhere in the Universe.

- Although he said he does wonder every time he sees a picture of Mark Zuckerberg.

*****

After hundreds of teens flooded downtown Chicago over the weekend, jumping on cars, fighting, looting and even leaving two people shot, the city’s Mayor-Elect called the activity "unacceptable," but said, "it’s not constructive to demonize youth who have otherwise been starved of opportunities in their own communities."

- How about Military School?? That’s an “opportunity” it appears they’ve been “starved” of.

*****

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis says that after the whole Dylan Mulvaney Trans-Woman Controversy, Bud Light is “too woke” and has lost him as a customer.

- Turns out, DeSantis doesn’t have a problem with a MAN identifying as a WOMAN… He just doesn’t like WATER identifying as BEER.

*****

An unidentified man was escorted off a Southwest Airlines flight yesterday after he began screaming and dropping the “F” bomb… about a baby that wouldn’t stop screaming. Flight attendants tried to calm him down saying, “Sir, you’re YELLING!”.

- He responded, “So is the Baby!”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s National Transfer Money to Your Daughter’s Account Day!!! And before my phone starts ringing… I’d like to remind my girls… In lieu of a gift, I got each one of you a nice Hallmark Card this year!

*****

According to a new survey, 7 in 10 Americans think they aren’t getting enough nutrients in their diet.

- The survey was paid for by “Balance of Nature”.

*****

Elon Musk told Tucker Carlson that people currently working on Artificial Intelligence are “teaching it to lie” and that A.I. could become so powerful that it could stop taking instruction from humans and take control by itself.

- Kind of like a robotic Joy Behar.

*****

In an effort to lure employees back to the office, Companies are offering "Mental Health" benefits including Unlimited Paid Time Off, Meditation Spaces, Music & Nature Areas and Craft Rooms.

- If I wanted a craft room at work I'd get a job at Hobby Lobby.

*****

Disney is doubling down on its support of the LGBTQ community by hosting its first ever 'Pride Nite' this June where Mickey and Minnie Mouse will be dressed in rainbow costumes.

- Pluto is so excited he's just plain Goofy.

*****

According to the Georgia Department of Natural Resources, there have been reports of “Drunk Birds” roaming around farms. Turns out, when birds eat berries with a high sugar content they can get inebriated.

- So far, Police have arrested one Grey Goose and three Wild Turkeys on suspicion of Public Intoxication.

- All of the Birds were denied bail... as they were considered a Flight Risk.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A special shoutout to 88 year old Frankie Valli today!! Is it his Birthday?? NO!! That’s May 3rd!!! But considering we’ve experienced ALL FOUR SEASONS in the last 24 Hours… I thought it was appropriate!!!

*****

Sunday night, The Phantom of the Opera, Andrew Lloyd Webber's mega hit musical, closed after 13,981 performances.

- Phantom was not only the longest running show in Broadway history, but also introduced New York to the concept of "Masks" when Covid was just a twinkle in Anthony Fauci’s Eye.

*****

In an effort to combat an influx of “rowdy” teen customers who have been trashing it’s restaurant, a Chick-fil-A location in Pennsylvania will only allow customers under 16, "If they're accompanied by an adult".

- Leave it to Chick-fil-A to come up with a creative way out of a Pickle. (NOTE: In the interest of Public Service, I’ve done extensive research on this… The Original Chick-fil-A Sandwiches (Fried) come with Dill Pickle Slices. The healthier “Grilled” version which I always get - doesn’t come with pickles, but is still delicious! I tested both several times over the weekend… ya know… just to be sure. You’re welcome.

*****

A man in Oregon allegedly emptied his family's shared bank accounts, then took the money and threw $200,000 in cash onto a local highway saying he wanted to “Bless others with the gifts of money”. His family is asking anyone who may have picked some of the cash up, to please return it.

- Yeah… let us know how that goes.

*****

Couples who feel comfortable "Peeing" in front of each other have a better chance of staying together than couples who don't according to Sociologist and Clinical Sexologist Sarah Melancon. She says it shows a level of "love, trust and unconditional acceptance" necessary for long term commitment.

- Or, you just forgot to shut the door.

*****

A female Spanish extreme athlete emerged from a cave in Grenada after spending 500 DAYS - 230 feet underground - Completely by herself.

- The first thing she did was check her lipstick and her cell phone messages.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

Dick

Brazilian Butt Lifts - the wildly popular cosmetic procedure where people have fat injected into their butt to make it bigger - is falling out of fashion… and Plastic Surgeons in NYC say women are now lining up to have the procedure REVERSED at a cost of $25,000.

- I’m usually a trendy guy, but I’m glad I sat this one out.

- The White House issued a statement reminding Americans that the Brazilian Butt Lift Reversal is NOT covered under the “Inflation Reduction Act”.

*****

Buckingham Palace finally confirmed that Prince Harry WILL ATTEND his father’s Coronation in London next month… but his wife Meghan Markle and their kids Archie and Lilibet will stay behind in California.

- Harry was going to bring Meghan, but it turns out the Airline was going to charge him extra for all that emotional baggage.

*****

Meanwhile a British psychologist says that Meghan’s decision not to attend the Cornonation shouldn’t be seen as a snub but as “admirable and inspiring… showing she has the self-worth to say no to bad in-laws”.

- How about going to the Coronation but drawing the line at buying your Girl Scout Cookies from Prince Andrew’s girlfriend???

*****

President Biden is said to be having “the time of his life” on his trip to Ireland, even saying to reporters this morning, “I don’t want to go home!”

- I’m good with that. Anyone else??

*****

When road crews failed to fix a giant pothole in the street outside his home in Brentwood, California - the State’s former Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger took matters into his own hands and filled it himself to the delight of neighbors and passing motorists.

- If the Terminator really wanted to help out, he’d move to Michigan where we need him! With our weather… the Potholes will always “Be Baaaack”.

*****

According to a new study, Intermittent Fasting can lead to problems conceiving children.

- Now they tell me…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Colorado Pediatrician and father of 7 says that 8 year old girls are the “Highest form of Humanity” - because they care about everyone and are sympathetic & empathetic. He says all adults should act like them and thinks, “Congress should be made up of 8 year old girls”.

- I’m not a girl, I’m a boy. But I wonder if my 2nd and 3rd Grade teachers Mrs. Tennent and Miss Emminger would agree with that? I’m not sure I was overly “Empathtic” when I was 8. Then again… maybe I was. We had more free time back then without having to spend hours figuring out whether we were Boys or Girls!

*****

The Democratic National Committee announced that after months of consideration, they’ve chosen Chicago to host the party’s 2024 Convention.

- Chicago won the DNC over with their slogan… “It’d be a CRIME to hold the Convention anywhere else!”

*****

A 19 year old Mississippi woman has been charged with Aggravated Animal Cruelty after Police were alerted to videos posted online that showed the woman doing the horizontal mambo… with a German Sheppard.

- Did anyone ever think maybe it was just a case of “Puppy Love” that got out of hand??

*****

“The View” is in reruns this week as Whoopi, Joy and the other Ladies take their annual “Spring Break”.

- So expect a lot of drinking, dancing & celebrating… From the audience.

*****

A flagship Whole Foods store in San Francisco - that just opened last year - is closing its doors because of rampant theft and fears for employee safety.

- So… “If You’re Going to San Francisco, Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair… Because the Whole Foods Floral Department is Closed like the Rest of the Store” (Btw… I never could stand that song)

*****

A worker was fired after being accused of urinating - twice - in a supply tank at a Water Treatment Plant in Louisiana.

- I love how they point out "Twice" like they would have been okay with it if he just hadn't gone back and done it again...

- The guy’s boss said he was sorry to let him go... as he was a real Whiz in the water treatment business.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A new study claims that the warmer, less-dense air caused by Climate Change is resulting in more Home Runs in Baseball.

- Seriously?? Well if “Climate Change” is causing such a big shift in Sports scores, HOW COME THE TIGERS ARE 2 AND 7 RIGHT NOW??

*****

The next total solar eclipse visible from the U.S. will occur on April 8th, 2024. That means some people in the U.S. will be totally in the dark.

- Which is, ya know, how some people in Washington, D.C. seem to like it.

*****

According to a new survey, most people would rather spend money on their pet than their partner.

- Paws and think about that for a minute.

*****

A four-day strike planned by tens of thousands of doctors in England could lead to the postponement of a quarter-million medical appointments.

- It’s even affecting the Royal Family, with Prince Andrew having to re-schedule his girlfriends trip to the orthodontist to have her braces tightened.

*****

The FAA is calling for inspections of all Boeing 787 jets amid recurring problems with leaky bathroom faucets.

- Let me get this straight… We’ve got planes almost landing on top of each other and narrowly missing each other on the runway and the FAA is worried about LEAKY FAUCETS??

*****

Relationship experts have found that being in a Poly-amorous relationship can bring the same physical and emotional benefits of monogamy.

- Well that's great for Polly & Amourous... but what about the rest of us??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yesterday, Pope Francis delivered an Easter message encouraging peace between warring parties like Russia and Ukraine.

- And Donald and Stormy. And Donald and De DeSantis… And Donald and Alvin… (that’s “Bragg”… not Simon & Theodore).

*****

Later this morning, thousands of children will join the President and 1st Lady on the White House Lawn for the Annual “Easter Egg Roll”.

- The tradition was begun in 1878 by President Rutherford B. Hayes and has remained the same - except for the Bill Clinton years - when Women were invited instead of Children and the event was known as the “Easter Egg Roll-in-the-Hay”.

*****

After 70 years in business, shares of Tupperware fell nearly 40% in early trading Monday following news that the company may be headed for bankruptcy.

- But the companies CEO said the drop in stock price is just a “Hiccup”… or in Tupperware’s case… as my Mother used to say… a “Burp”.

*****

“The Super Mario Bros. Movie,” Universal’s new film based on the classic video game, crushed the competition earning $204.6 million over the long Easter weekend.

- It did WAY better than their LAST movie… “The Super Creepy Cuomo Bros.” which didn’t even do well when they showed it on CNN.

*****

An analysis of new data found that the COVID-19 pandemic caused a significant drop in life expectancy for New Yorkers.

- On a bright note… it’s WAY more fun than getting pushed in front of the subway!

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A Virginia man bought 20 tickets for a single “Pick 4” lottery drawing - with the exact same numbers - … and won 20 times, for a total prize of $100,000.

- In a related story… A Florida man was charged 34 TIMES for spending $130,000 and it cost tax payers $200 MILLION!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Stormy Daniels sat down with Piers Morgan for he what he calls an “Astonishing” 90 minute interview that will air tonight.

- Piers says we'll see Stormy like we've never seen her before... So apparently... she'll be wearing clothes.

*****

Stormy says she wants to testify in Trump's trial... but she doesn't think that the things he's accused of in the hush money case "are worthy of incarceration".

- And hey... When it comes to when to using handcuffs... I think we should defer to Stormy's judgment.

*****

In an attempt to end a rash of “Unexplained noises” erupting on the set of “The View” that many have surmised may be Whoopi or one of the other hosts, “Breaking wind”… the ladies are now using Coasters and blaming the noises on the cups “Scraping on the table”.

- Why didn’t they just blame it on Trump like they do everything else??

*****

According to new research, plants - including tomatoes and other vegetables- make distinctive sounds when they're cut or dehydrated... which grows in intensity depending on the threat they're facing.

- So Kamala maybe laughing when she delivers her “Word Salads”… but the lettuce is SCREAMING.

- So the next time you order a Caesar Salad, don't be surprised if it asks you "Et tu, Brute?" Before you take your first bite.

*****

Brooke Shields, who has been very vocal about how her “Stage Mom” forced her to do a lot of inappropriate things with older men when she was a teenager, says she refused to sleep with J.F.K. Jr. because he "Kept saying she looked like his mother".

- You gotta hand it to her. From what I’m told… a lot of females would have slept with JFK Jr. even if he told them they looked like “Mother Goose”.

*****

Days after sparking controversy by snagging a sponsorship with Bud Light, Trans social media star Dylan Mulvaney appeared in a pair of leggings and a sports bra in a new post paid for by Nike Women. Experts say Dylan, a Biological Man-Who-Started-Identifiying-as-A-Woman one year ago is likely making $50,000 PER post from Nike.

- I think it's a great message for little girls everywhere! When you grow up you can be anything you want!! Even a man pretending to be a girl!!

*****

According to a new study, living in a cold climate can actually add years to your life.

- Yeah... That's Pure Michigan.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

So... My cable was out yesterday. Anything big happen on TV?

*****

At almost the same moment Donald Trump appeared in a Manhattan courtroom yesterday, a California judge ordered Stormy Daniels to pay almost $122,000 of Trump's legal fees in her failed defamation suit against him.

- And once again... Stormy gets “had”.

*****

Vladimir Putin is said to be so paranoid about being assassinated, that he's set up fake offices in multiple cities, and sends out decoy motorcades and airplanes all to confuse his enemies.

- But China's Xi Jinping ALWAYS knows where's Putin is because they follow each other on Commie.com.

****

Cher has slashed the price of her California mansion from $85 to a bargain $75 Million... The home features a tennis court, infinity pool, seven bedrooms, a meditation room, a panic room and even a climate controlled room for Chers wigs.

- For $75 MILLION... It better come with Sonny.

*****

A Florida man was arrested on Sunday after he pulled out an 18" machete at a bar after he was denied a turn to sing a Karaoke song.

- Machettes USUALLY come out DURING the Karaoke performances.

*****

According to a new survey, of people said they would take a "significant" pay cut for a year to be free of allergies.

- Depending how much you make, that's nothing to sneeze at.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick