One lucky person in Florida won $1.58 BILLION in last night’s Mega Millions lottery drawing - the largest Jackpot in the lottery’s history!

- And a big congrats to the IRS who gets $790 MILLION of that!

*****

Soldier of Fortune magazine is reporting that “Unimpeachable” sources say that fingerprints on the bag of Cocaine found at the White House in July prove the Coke belongs to “Someone in the Biden family orbit” and that the Secret Service told the President who that person is. But - the sources added - the culprit’s NOT Hunter.

- That’s one line even Hunter’s not buying.

*****

President Biden gave an interview to the Weather Channel while he was at the Grand Canyon in Arizona yesterday… And when asked what he’s doing to keep the U.S. Military prepared he answered… “We’re dealing with this Climate stuff”. Huh??

- Thank you President Biden! When I think of great military leaders I think… George Washington… Winston Churchill… George Patton… and, of course… Greta Thunburg.

*****

A woman is facing Animal Abandonment charges after leaving her French Bulldog in a short-term parking lot at the Pittsburgh Airport and boarding a flight for her vacation after being told her pet didn’t qualify as an Emotional Support Animal.

- I’m thinking this rules the woman out as an “Emotional Support Human” as well.

*****

Wayne Brady - Known for hosting “Let’s Make a Deal” and “Whose Line Is It Anyway” has come out as Pansexual - someone who is attracted to anyone or anything of any gender, or as he calls it, “bisexual with an open mind.”

- Here’s an idea… “Let’s Make a Deal” with Celebs that they stop telling us about who or what it is they like to sleep with!

*****

The House Ways and Means committee now says it has proof that the Biden Family received more than $20 MILLION (Not just a piddling $17 MILLION) from Oligarchs in Russia, Kazakhstan and Ukraine during the time Joe Biden was Vice President.

- So what will the Republicans do???? Send another mean letter to the FBI and the Department of Justice demanding that they investigate!

*****

RIP… Jim Price, the Detroit Tiger catcher who played on the 1968 World Series Team and was a Broadcast Analyst for decades has died at age 81. No cause of death has been given, but he had been sick for some time.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Elon Musk says his cage match with Mark Zuckerberg is still on but may have to be postponed as he has to have an MRI and possibly surgery on his neck and back before the two can head into the ring.

- If Musk can’t make it because of his ailments… how bout this: We put Trump and Biden in a cage and let the chips fall where they may!

*****

There’s still time to get your Mega Million’s tickets for tonights drawing… With no winner in the last three months, Tuesday night’s jackpot has soared to a record $1.55 BILLION.

- The only way to get that kind of cash these day is to 1) Win the Mega Millions… or 2) Change your name to Hunter Biden and get a job in Ukraine.

*****

Sources say Meghan Markle celebrated her 42nd Birthday last week by going to see “Barbie” with a bunch of her girlfriends while Prince Harry stayed home with the kids.

- But it turned out to be a family affair after all… Prince Andrew and his Girlfriend’s Pom-Pom Squad were at the same theater seeing Barbie for the 27th time!

*****

Scientists believe they may have identified a NEW SPECIES OF HUMAN after finding an ancient skull that belonged to a person who lived up to 300,000 years ago. What makes the skull so unique: It has virtually NO chin.

- The scientific name for the new species is: Homo-Not-Jay-Leno-Erectus.

- This reminds me of the “Soup Nazi” on Seinfeld… Except apparently 300,000 years ago instead of Soup… it was, “No Chin for You!!!!”

*****

A purplish-pink smoke was spotted rising from the stacks at a business in Maine over the weekend.

- Which means the new “Pope Barbie” has been elected!

*****

My wife just got back from a Doctor’s appointment where she had “Cupping Therapy” for her lower back pain.

- When she mentioned “Cupping Therapy” I thought she had bought a new bra!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Megan Rapinoe’s failed penalty shot added to the drama as the U.S. women’s national team crashed out of the 2023 World Cup, losing to longtime nemesis Sweden. Before the game, numerous players - including Rapinoe - refused to put their hand on their heart or to sing the National Anthem.

- First I liked Sweden for giving us Meatballs and Volvos. Then I was annoyed at them for giving us IKEA because of the “put it together yourself” thing… Now I really appreciate ‘em again!

*****

Just three weeks into its run… “Barbie” has raked in more than $1 BILLION at the Box Office Worldwide.

- Experts say if this keeps up, Barbie is set to bring in more money from overseas than Hunter Biden!

*****

Days after announcing he and his wife are getting a divorce, Canadian Minister Justin Trudeau posted a pic of himself and his son dressed in Pink “Barbie” attire.

- Say what you want… I still think Justin looks better in Pink than he did in that Blackface picture from College.

*****

Nancy Pelosi and Donald Trump “took the gloves off” over the weekend… When Nancy said, “I saw a scared puppy” in reference to seeing Trump on TV during his 3rd indictment last week, Trump responded by saying that Nancy is “A Wicked Witch”.

- Let’s get to the bottom of this! Set Trump down in the middle of a rug and see if he has “an accident”… and throw a bucket of water on Nancy and see if she melts!

- To quote the Witch herself… “What a World!”

*****

According to a new study, Americans consume more than twice the recommended amount of added sugar per day.

- We may eat too much sugar… but at least we’re not dressing up in Barbie clothes like a certain Canadian Prime Minister I know.

*****

A martial artist from India recaptured a Guinness World Record from his longtime rival by smashing 273 walnuts with his forehead in 1 minute.

- I’ve always heard that Walnuts are the “Healthiest of all the nuts” but I’m not sure this is what the docs had in mind…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his wife Sophie have announced they are divorcing after 18 years of marriage.

- To celebrate Canada’s newly single leader, rumor has it you can get 50% off “Timbits” at participating Tim Hortons locations!

*****

Individual cigarettes in Canada will now carry warnings such as “Poison in Every Puff” and “Cigarettes Cause Impotence.”

- I would take them a lot more seriously if they weren’t the same country who gave us Poutine.

FYI: If you don’t know… Poutine is French Fries topped with Brown Gravy and Cheese Curds… Yum! 🤢

*****

President Trump will be in court this afternoon at 4pm to be indicted for the 3rd time - after yesterday’s indictment on 4 charges that he tried to reverse the results of the 2020 election.

- The Left is calling today “Historic”… The Right is calling it… “Thursday”.

*****

The transcript of Hunter Bidens former friend and business associate Devon Archer closed door testimony to Congress was released this morning… Archer says Hunter put his Dad Joe on the phone with his overseas billionaire associates dozens of time to “Build the Biden Brand”… despite one Dem saying they just talked about the weather.

- Maybe it was “Weather” or not they were going to give the Biden Family lots of money!?!?

*****

A highway in Arkansas was temporarily shut down when a truck spilled its load of canned Nacho Cheese Sauce across all lanes.

- If only this had been California… they could have called in Erik Estrada and CHiPS!!!!! (California HIghway Patrol.

Personal Note: In her younger days.. My #3 daughter Jill was a big fan of Erik Estrada and had a poster of him as “Ponch” on her closet door when she was a teenager. Speaking of old TV Shows… Here’s something I’ve always wondered about. On the original Hawaii Five O… In the credits, it always said, “And Kam Fong as Chin Ho”. Did they really need to change his name??

*****

On Wednesday’s episode of “The View”, Whoopi Goldberg got real about “Sex on vacation”… She said doing the horizontal mambo at the beach is “overrated” because your surrounded by water and there’s “resistance”… She went on but was cut off by the producer who went to a commercial.

- I say we give Whoopi an Award. She’s did something we’ve all been trying to do for years. She rendered the other ladies of “The View” Speechless.

*****

Although school lunches are healthier than they used to be, recent data reveals that as many as 1 in 4 school lunches still have poor nutritional quality.

- But Lunch Ladies still have the Best HAIR NETS on the planet!!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s National Dinosaur Day! If you’re celebrating… let’s see a show of tiny little arms!!!

*****

As you can see from the photos I’ve posted, the White House is using photoshopped images of the President…showing a more “robust, youthful” Commander-in-Chief.

- If only they'd thought to photoshop some clothes onto all those naked pics of Hunter and his “girlfriends”.

*****

Meanwhile… Former President Donald Trump was criminally charged Tuesday with illegally conspiring to overturn his election loss in 2020 - the THIRD TIME he’s been Indicted.

- This is America. Doesn’t the loser of a race have the right to doubt and dispute the election result?? In September of 2019 Hillary Clinton was STILL telling the Media that Donald Trump was an “Illegitimate President”?? And didn’t she PAY for the fake Russian Dossier that started the whole Russian Collusion Hoax that went on for YEARS?? Was she prosecuted?? Shouldn’t we be FAIR about these things?? Isn’t that what makes this a Democracy???

*****

Scientists have created a building material using fungus to create an eco-friendly alternative to traditional construction supplies. They say we can look forward to a future where we can buy homes made of "Knitted Molds and the Root Network of Fungi".

- That, my friends... is the American Dream!

*****

An 81 year old Russian Grandmother is facing life in prison after she hired a hitman to take out a cop in the small town where she lives. But the “Hitman” - who she paid $11,000 (US) - was actually an undercover cop who arrested the woman.

- Hey… Some grandmothers knit… some hire hitmen. Everybody’s gotta have a hobby.

*****

A new study finds that the most dog-friendly city in the US is Boise, Idaho.

- I would have gone with New Yorkie.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

On Monday, the White House put up a pic of a shirtless Prez taking in the sun on a beach in Delaware.

- It’s not a bad picture of Joe… Thankfully he’s not wearing a Speedo!

*****

Hunter Biden’s ex-friend and business associate Devon Archer testified yesterday that Hunter Biden put his Dad Joe on the phone with his overseas business associates OVER 20 TIMES while Joe was VP. Archer says it was to “Sell the Biden Brand”… but the Democrat spokesperson said, nope… they spent 20 different phone calls “Talking about the weather”.

- !!!!!!!

*****

The Federal Ban on Incandescent light bulbs - 16 years in the making - finally goes into effect today - meaning you can no longer buy good old fashioned light bulbs.

- Whose bright idea was that?

*****

A Japanese man who spent $14,000 on a realistic “Collie Costume” that allows him to dress up and live like a dog is hitting back at haters who claim he should go to “therapy” after he took his first ever “walk” in public. He says he doesn’t need professional help because he’s a “Good Boy”.

- But his wife says he’s barking up the wrong tree.

*****

Greta Thunberg was carted off by cops at a protest in Sweden this week just hours after getting fined for blocking Oil Tankers.

- Is it just me or is Greta the most annoying thing to come out of Sweden since IKEA’s Build-It-Yourself Bedroom Suites.

*****

Mars Candy Company has teamed up with French's Mustard for the Candy nobody asked for... Mustard Flavored Skittles. But hurry... the condiment-confection is only available for a limited time.

- Not limited enough.

*****

RIP… Paul Reubens the actor and comedian, best known for creating and portraying the character Pee-wee Herman has died at age 70 after a private battle with Cancer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Police in Burbank, California responded to a report of a Bear sighting in a residential neighborhood and found him sitting in a Jacuzzi behind one of the homes.

- Turns out he’d gone to two other Jacuzzis in the neighborhood beforehand, but the first one was too hot… the second one was too cold… and the third one was…

*****

Hunter Biden’s former friend and business associate Devon Archer is testifying before a closed session of Congress this morning. There are expectations that he will reveal explosive info that could implicate the President in his son’s shady overseas business dealings.

- Or as MSNBC reports it: “Trump BAD!!!!”

*****

After 4 years of denying her existence, the President and First Lady finally acknowledged their 7th Grandchild Navy Joan Lunden in a an interview with People Magazine that came out late Friday.

- And to make sure everyone knows Navy's now "Part of the family" they even put on wooden stork on the front lawn of the White House that says "It's a Four Year Old Girl!!!"

*****

President Biden was photographed shirtless on the beach in Delaware again this weekend.

- I'm starting to think I liked it better when he was hiding in the basement wearing a mask.

*****

A California woman was arrested after walking naked down the middle of a freeway while brandishing a gun and opening fire at passing cars on the Bay Bridge.

- Wasn’t it The Beach Boys who said, “I Wish They All Could Be California Girls!!”

*****

New research out of Oxford University found that ANY AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL can increase your risk of 60 diseases including 33 that booze was never linked to before.

- Cheers!

*****

THE WORLD'S oldest man, Jose Paulin Gomes has died in Brazil just days before his 128th Birthday. His family says he was, "A happy man who like to have a little drink".

- So its true... Alcohol WILL kill you!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s National “Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day”… I was going to take a bunch of flowers out for a stroll around the block but they left without me. Apparently they were too Impatien…

It’s also “National Take Your Pants For a Walk Day”…

NOTE: You might want to WEAR the pants while you’re taking ‘em for a walk or today could also turn into “National Get Arrested For Indecent Exposure Day”!!!

*****

Speaking of people with no pants on…

Hunter Biden’s Plea Deal fell apart at the last minute yesterday… after the Judge discovered what appeared to be a “secret agreement” between the Defense and Prosecution that would have seen Hunter basically skate. They now have 30 days to present a new deal to the Judge. In the meantime, Hunter was ordered to abstain from alcohol & drugs and has to look for a job… or he’ll go to jail for violating probation.

- Sounds like somebody took away Hunter’s Big Boy Pants!

- Hey… Maybe Hunter could get a job working for an Energy Company in Ukraine! I wonder if his Dad has any connections over there…

*****

Mick Jagger celebrated a milestone Birthday this week… turning 80!

- Mick sounds just like he did in his 20’s… although now when he sings “Start Me Up” he’s actually asking his Medical Team for a Defribulator.

*****

Hail battered a Delta Air Lines passenger jet bound for New York shortly after taking off from Milan, Italy forcing it to make an emergency landing.

- Marking the first time this year a plane has been forced to land because of a fracas that took place OUTSIDE the plane instead of INSIDE the main cabin like usual.

*****

According to a survey of 2,000 dog owners in the UK, 28% admit that they don’t always clean up their Dog’s Poop.

- At least the Scoop (or lack thereof)…

*****

A new study argues that there’s a strong link between drinking soda and obesity among teenagers in over 100 countries.

- Luckily that’s not a problem here in Michigan because we don’t drink “Soda”… We drink “Pop”!!!!

*****

RIP… Sinead O’Conner… The Irish Singer best known for her 1990 hit “Nothing Compares 2 U” has died at age 56. No cause of death has been released.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to a new report, President Biden’s nearly 2-year-old German shepherd Commander bit seven people in a four-month period after former first dog Major was ousted from the White House over similar aggressive behavior.

- Aggressive behavior, huh? Maybe that Cocaine wasn't Hunter's after all???

*****

During her Press Briefing Tuesday, WH Spokesperson Karine Jean Pierre blamed Commander's aggressive behavior on the "Stress" of being a dog at the White House.

- You don’t even wanna hear about the “Surprise” Commander left on the Oval Office Rug.

*****

Congress is holding hearing into UFO's today... and is expected to hear testimony that the Government is in possession of an "Alien Spacecraft".

- And knowing the government... the first thing they're going to do is outlaw it by 2030 because it's "Not Electric”.

- It’s either that… or Nancy Pelosi got caught parking in her old “Speaker of the House” spot at the Capitol again.

*****

During a speech yesterday, President Biden said that "We’re still feeling the profound loss of a Pandemic....over 100 people dead... That's 100 empty chairs around the kitchen table".

- 100 empty chairs around the kitchen table?? They must shop at Big Lots.

- Wow. That sounds like my house at Thanksgiving when my favorite Rutabaga is served. I love it… but everyone else always threatens to leave the table. I call that a Win-Win!!

*****

20 year old Climate Activist Greta Thunberg was carted off by cops at a protest in Sweden this week just hours after getting fined for blocking Oil Tankers.

- Is it just me or is Greta the most annoying thing to come out of Sweden since IKEA’s Build-It-Yourself Furniture??

*****

It’s confirmed! Tom Brady IS DATING Russian Supermodel Irina Shayk - who used to go out with and has a child by actor Bradley Cooper.

- She must really have a way with the guys to get Brady & Cooper. Maybe we should send her back to Russia to negotiate the end of the war with Putin & Zelensky.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

There’s a hot new fashion trend in China… The “Face-kini”. It’s a full face & head mask with holes for the eyes, nose and mouth that protects people from the sun, jellyfish, insects and other irritants while at the beach.

- It sounds to me more like it’s another attempt by the Chinese to keep our ships out of the South China Sea.

*****

Elon Musk has joined the backlash against the Barbie film's portrayal of anti-man feminism saying: “If you take a shot every time Barbie says the word 'patriarchy' you will pass out before the movie ends”.

- Kind of ironic that you end up getting more bombed at “Barbie” than you do at “Oppenheimer”.

*****

White House aides have admitted that they're making "accommodations" for President Biden’s age - including using larger type on his teleprompter, notecards during meetings, and a smaller shorter set of stairs when he gets on/off Air Force One to minimize falls.

- And coming this week... Bigger Buttons on the Nuclear Football !

*****

US Customer officers in Texas found almost 18 pounds of Cocaine hidden inside four large wheels of Cheddar Cheese that had been smuggled across the border from Mexico.

- That stuff will kill you. The cheese I mean.

*****

A former defense official in the Clinton and Bush Administrations who is scheduled to testify before Congress on UFO’s tomorrow, says that the US has recovered technology that “Did not originate on this earth”.

- Is this “Na-NEW Na-NEW Information??? Did it come from “Mork from Ork”???

- To be honest, the guy in the picture floating in the inner tube looks he just landed from Mars…

*****

A Lioness was filmed climbing the highest tree around to escape the love interest of 7 male Lions that were after her.

- Turns out the 7 Lions were all younger than her… so the Lioness was actually a Cougar. (Ba da boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Michael Richards who is 73 today! Kramer on “Seinfeld” of course! We celebrate with a few of his classic lines…

“Is that a Titleist?”… “I’m out there, Jerry, and I’m lovin’ every minute of it!” …“You're just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job”… “Look away, I'm hideous!”… “Who turns down a Junior Mint?”… “I’m Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!”

*****

Hunter Biden's lawyer, Kevin Morris - the man who paid Hunter’s $2 MILLION in back taxes - was photographed smoking a bong on the balcony of his LA home... WHILE HUNTER WAS VISITING HIM over the weekend.

- Looks like Ken & Barbie weren’t the only ones having fun at the Malibu Dream House this weekend!

*****

Last night, Elon Musk official changed the name of Twitter to “X”.

- So instead of “Tweeting”… now everyone will be “Divorcing”???

*****

Scientists at the University of Michigan report most older adults with signs of cognitive impairment continue to drive.

- The scientists came to this conclusion after spending a week on vacation in Florida.

*****

A new survey shows that many Americans have financial regrets, including not saving enough for retirement.

- Regrets? I’ve had a few. Then again. Too few to mention.

*****

A Florida bus driver snapped a photo of an alligator waiting at a bus stop.

- The alligator didn’t have a choice. He tried hitchhiking but his arms were so short nobody saw his thumb.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Tony Bennett died this morning… just two weeks shy of his 97th Birthday.

If I had to pick two singers who made up the “Soundtrack” of my life it would be Tony and Frank Sinatra. I met and interviewed Tony several times over the years… once at the Roostertail many years ago, another time at one of my many radio stations, and another at his Hotel in town. I got there a few minutes early for our pre-arranged interview and Tony answered the door wearing only a t-shirt and boxer shorts. He ended up doing the whole interview dressed that way!!

From his first hit, “Because of You” in the 1950’s to his recent “Duet” albums that he did with Lady Gaga and other artists , Tony Bennett was…and always will be… one of the greatest American standard/pop singers of all time - on par with Frank Sinatra who once said, “For my money, Tony Bennett is the best singer in the business."

On a personal note… When I was in elementary school… one of my teachers, Miss Tripidii, was actually COUSINS with Tony Bennett!!!! I’ll never forget her handing out black and white wallet sized photos of him to everyone in the class!

If only I’d kept mine…

One more thing - I was going to post one of of his more popular songs like “I Left My Heart in San Francisco”… but I decided to put up a lesser known hit of Tony’s - but a great one - “If I Ruled the World”. It was written in 1963 but it has a message that we all need to hear today…

If only…

- Dick

A British Man has been crowned “World Toe Wrestling Champion” after finally beating a 17-time winner.

- He celebrated the victory by going to the market, having some roast beef, and eventually going wee, wee, wee, wee all the way home.

*****

According to a new study, eating breakfast before 8:00 a.m. may prevent Type 2 diabetes.

- Luckily, IHOP opens at 7am... So I can get in my "Rooty Tootie Fresh & Fruity Pancake" PREVENATIVE MEDICINE just in time!!!

*****

According to a new report, Harry and Meghan asked if they could hitch a ride back to the States on Air Force One with the Bidedns after Queen Elizabeth's funeral but were immediately turned down. Apparently the White House thought it might ruffle relations with King Charles.

- Harry and Meghan ended up having to fly commercial which cost more than $10,000 - and that's before you factor in the cost of checking all Harry's Emotional Baggage

*****

A new survey finds that two in five young adults think marriage is an outdated tradition... And 85 percent don’t think you need to get married to have a fulfilling and committed relationship.

- Where was this kind of thinking when I was paying for my six lovely daughters six lovely weddings?? (Actually it was SEVEN lovely weddings... but who's counting?!?)

*****

According to a new study, Parents with multiple kids are more likely to neglect their own Physical Fitness.

- Aha! So THAT explains my belly!

*****

Rapper 50 Cent warned that Los Angeles is “finished” after the city reinstated a controversial no-bail policy.

- And you know when 50 Cent puts in his 2 Cents, you end up about 48 Cents short of a dollar.

*****

A snail racing event in England has been awarded a Guinness World Record as the “Longest Running Snail-Racing World Championship in History”.

- If you’re interested in attending, there’s still time! It’s been a year and a half and the contestants haven’t even made it to the starting blocks yet.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s National Hot Dog Day!!!

- So fire up the grill and get your Buns ready!!! It’s time to relish summer!!!

*****

Speaking of “Toasted Buns”…

A 22 year old Tik Tok Influencer says the shape wear she was wearing last New Year’s Eve saved her life after she was shot four times. Angela Wiley says the “Skims” bodysuit by Kim Kardashian was “so tight” it held her organs in place and kept her from “bleeding out”.

- This is great news Guys!!! Turns out Diamonds AREN’T a Girl’s Best Friend! What they really want is a nice, bullet-proof girdle!! Now there’s a word I haven’t heard in a long time. Jackie looked it up and it said Girdles went out of style in 1970 - when they were replaced by “Pantyhose”. Which Jackie added led to the dreaded… “CONTROL TOP” !!!

*****

According to a new report, over 100-million Americans believe that Aliens visit us regularly on Earth.

- I don’t know about you… but they tend to show up at my house every Thanksgiving right around dinner time.

*****

After a Southwest flight from Colorado to Salt Lake City was delayed, Taylor Swift fans on their way home from attending her concert - burst into song on the plane.

- And Southwest immediately charged everyone on the plane an extra 25 bucks for “On board entertainment”.

*****

A Ukrainian helicopter crew told The Sunday Times that women in the country Flash them as they fly overhead to boost their morale.

- The Pilots tipped the wings of their jets to the girls in thanks… with one adding, “I never realized Ukraine had such mountainous terrain!”

*****

Rapper Wiz Khalifa threw out the first pitch at the Pittsburgh Pirates game… while high on Psychedelic Mushrooms.

- What a Fun… gi !!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

"Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One" took in just $56.2 MILLION this weekend - a box office disappointment because it cost more than $250 MILLION to make.

- Sounds like there’s not gonna be a “Part Two”.

*****

The big winner again this weekend... "The Sound of Freedom" - the remarkable movie about Child Sex Trafficking in the United States and Around the World - and hat YOU can do about it. I highly recommend it!

*****

Speaking of movies…

Hollywood has come to a virtual standstill as 160,000 Actors and Actresses have gone on strike. The Screen Actors Guild wants guarantees from studios and film makers that AI and computer generated faces and voices will not be used to replace them.

- Do you think we could compromise and just have Artificial Intelligence replace Alec Baldwin and Joy Behar??

*****

The star-studded cast of “Oppenheimer” - which opens this weekend got up and WALKED OUT of the film's London premiere at the moment the strike was called in Hollywood.

- The audience supported the protest… spontaneously erupting in massive applause. The director of “Oppenheimer” said he hadn't seen that big an explosion since… well… you get the idea.

******

According to a new study by Consumer Affairs, the Best Drivers in the Country are in Green Bay, Wisconsin and the Worst are in Memphis, Tennessee. How does Detroit Rate? We came in 7th... 7th WORST that is, right behind Cleveland, Ohio.

- Hear that Ohio? We're right behind you. Move over. This is the fast lane!!!

*****

The Republican Prez Candidates - all except for Trump - faced questions from Tucker Carlson in Iowa over the weekend... with many saying former VP Mike Pence killed his own career when he responded to Tucker's question about Pence's support for more tanks for Ukraine while American cities fall apart. Pence replied, "That's not my concern".

- Oops.

- Well it's not like he shot him in the face like Dick Cheney once did or Spelled “Potato” wrong like Dan Quayle…

*****

The New York Police Department says it used DNA obtained off of pizza crust to link the Long Island Serial Killer suspect to cold cases.

- Meanwhile they're using DNA off a half eaten Chimichanga to link Chris Christie to some XXL sweatpants left at a Mexican Restaurant.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

THIS JUST IN… The Secret Service says they’re CLOSING their investigation into the Cocaine found in the
White House WITHOUT IDENTIFYING A SUSPECT. They say they found no fingerprints or DNA and were unable to identify anyone on video footage.

- Wow. It’s like Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa… I guess some mysteries are just too big to be solved!!

*****

President Biden took some heat for skipping out on dinner at the G7 summit… the third time he’s bowed out of an important evening engagement with International leaders which critics say make the US look “weak”.

- I say if the other guys want to meet with the Prez, they can show up for the “Early Bird Cottage Cheese & Fruit Plate” at the Lithuanian Big Boy when HE’S ready to eat!!!

*****

In a speech yesterday, VP Kamala Harris said, “This issue of transportation is fundamentally about just making sure that people have the ability to get where they need to go.” (TRUE!)

- One. Heartbeat. Away. 😳

*****


A Long Island man who went viral after video surfaced of him slugging a one-legged man and dancing naked on a Las Vegas poker table claims he’s a mild mannered insurance salesman who lost control after someone spiked his drink at a bachelor party.

- Remember the good old days - before the Internet - when everything that Happened in Vegas, actually STAYED in Vegas??

- On a bright note, he got a job as a dancer in the Chorus Line at the Bellagio! Turns out he’s got great legs!

*****

An “Unidentified Beaver” that bit an unidentified swimmer in Lake Lanier in the state of Georgia over the weekend has just tested positive for rabies.

- A Beaver with rabies? Dam(n)!

- While the Beaver has not been “identified”… Authorities do not believe it to be “Beaver Cleaver”… or his brother, Wally.

*****

A man was amazed to find that he accidentally photographed a UFO as he took a selfie in Mexico.

- He was amazed because most of the Aliens have already left Mexico and crossed into the US.

*****

Monday, the ladies of “The View” weighed in on an article in the NYTimes that called President Biden out for not acknowledging his 7th Grandchild - the illegitimate 4 year old daughter, Navy Joan that Hunter had with his ex-Stripper girlfriend. The ladies said it’s a “Private matter” that's nobody's business.

- And then they spent 20 minutes debating whether Melania sleeps in the same bedroom as Donald.

******

Thanks again for all the Birthday wishes on yesterdays blog!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

PS… Good luck to my friend Kevin Hennings down in Florida who is launching his new podcast/Facebook live space at Noon! It’s called “Beating Cancer Today” and you can find it on Facebook under Kevin’s page!! (It will be up to watch after the live event) He’s a retired Marine and Cancer Survivor with an incredible story to tell!

President Biden met King Charles in the U.K. for the first time yesterday… and things got a little awkward when the Prez stopped to talk to the Palace guards and King Charles had to physically move him along.

- Turns out President Biden was trying to find out where the Queen was.

*****

Mike Lindell is auctioning off hundreds of pieces of manufacturing equipment and manufacturing space after several shopping networks and major retailers took his MyPillow products off store shelves. Mike says he's, "Disheartened... but I've already made a plan to come back bigger and better!"

- Hey Mike... "I Knew you would!"

*****

MSNBC is being slammed for a piece they posted yesterday that linked working out to far-right extremism. The article claimed “White Supremists” are using Exercise as a way to promote “Violence and Hypermasculinity”.

- Well that explains their new found love of Chris Christie.

*****

A female Scottish entertainer has gone viral after video footage of her singing to a pigeon in a park was shared on social media.

- The audience gave her a standing ovation and the pigeon pooped on her head.

*****

New research says that lifting weights as many times as you can is enough to build both strength and muscle - regardless of how much the weights actually weigh! In other words, it’s the repetition - NOT the amount you lift.

- So I guess that sweat I’ve been working up lifting my 2 lb. weights means I’m actually gettin’ the job done after all!

*****

Pardon me for interrupting… but it’s Jackie here! Just wanted to jump in and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the Greatest Dad in the World - Mine!!!!!! He didn’t want me to mention it… but he’s the Boss… and I’m the one who knows the “tech stuff”… so there!!!!!! We’re having a little family shindig tonight to celebrate, so hopefully we’ll have some pics tomorrow!!!!

Have a wonderful Birthday Dad!!!! We love you so much!!!!!!!!

Love, Your Girls

Social Media had a field day when President Biden showed up shirtless in a pair of swim trunks on a beach in Delaware on Saturday.

- I for one was glad to see that even though he looks trim in a suit, he has the same rolls around his mid section as the rest of us guys... including yours truly! It’s amazing what a suit can hide!!

*****

A California woman gave birth to quadruplets on the 4th of July.

- FOUR Babies??? Sounds like the Fireworks were about 9 months earlier.

*****

WH Press Spokesperson Karine Jean Pierre is taking heat for insisting that the Bidens left the White House THURSDAY before the infamous Cocaine was discovered - meaning it couldn’t belong to a family member - despite official records showing the family was there until FRIDAY at 6:30pm.

- They better be careful… If Karine’s nose gets any longer, Joe’s gonna trip over it.

*****

According to a new article in left leaning news website Axios, President Biden has such a quick-trigger temper behind closed doors that some aides try to avoid meeting alone with him. The Prez’s favorite outbursts are said to include, “How the BLEEP don’t you know this?!”, “Get the BLEEP out of here!!” and “Don’t you BLANKING Bulls*** me!!”

- And that’s just when they gave him plain Vanilla ice cream and told him it was actually his favorite: Chocolate Chip.

*****

Rikkie Valerie Kolle, 22, a Transgender woman (Ie: born a Man) has been crowned Miss Netherlands — setting up a historic chance to become Miss Universe. Wearing a red gown with a thigh high slit (she could have used a razor and some shaving cream), Rikkie beat out all the biological female contestants to become the first Trans Miss Netherlands in history.

- But some of her competitors complained that she should have been disqualified for having extra juggling balls during the Talent portion of the competition!!!

*****

A book about electricity was returned to a Massachusetts library 119 years after it was first taken out.

- You should have seen the overdue Charge.

That reminds of a little known historical fact about Ben Franklin - who of course “Discovered” the connection between lightning and electricity. While he was out in his backyard, flying his kite during a lightning storm, his wife leaned out of their bedroom window and yelled to him, “Hey Ben… Why don’t you stop fooling around with your kite, come back in the house and try to turn ME on for a change?!!?”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Last week, a microscopic Louis Vuitton-inspired handbag “Smaller than a grain of salt” sold for a whopping $63,730. The one-of-a-kind design is neon green and is so tiny it can actually fit though the eye of a needle.

- Well good luck finding a pair of shoes to match!!

*****

Despite being one of the most closely guarded and monitored buildings in the world, White House officials say “We may never know” who brought the baggie of Cocaine into the White House where it was discovered by the Secret Service Sunday night.

- So we have video of the Hindenburg, the Atomic Bomb explosion , JFK’s assassination, etc… but we’re supposed to believe they don’t know where somebody dropped a bag of Coke in this “100% transparent” full-of-cameras White House??

- First they said it was IN the Library, then NEAR the Library, then in the WEST Wing, then in the EAST Wing…

- This reminds me of the last time I was on a White House tour when two women in line in front of me turned and said, “Are you Dick Purtan?”. I admitted that I was. I didn’t leave anything behind that day… but If I had… it wouldn’t have been a bag of Cocaine. It probably would have been a bag of Raisinettes I keep in my back pocket in case I want a snack.

*****

A New Jersey judge has been slapped with a formal complaint after allegedly posting videos of himself on TikTok lipsynching to "inappropriate" rap songs about violence and sex both in his courtroom and while partially naked in bed. The questionable lines included, “All my life, I’ve been waiting for somebody to whoop my a**”.

- Well, Judge… Looks like the wait is over!!!

*****

Louisianna Senator John Kennedy says the Washington D.C. establishment is “working harder than an UGLY STRIPPER” to cover up for Hunter Biden.

- Well, then. At least Hunter’s working with someone he already knows…

*****

Sharks have been spotted swimming in shallow waters at several Florida beaches, sending frantic swimmers fleeing to safety.

- In a related story, Beach goers rushed to help a Humpback Whale that washed up on the Jersey Shore this weekend… but it turns out it was just Chris Christie who got a cramp from swimming too soon after downing 3 Corn Dogs and a half dozen Funnel Cakes.

*****

A Seal was returned to the ocean after wandering through a New Zealand city and visiting the parking lot of a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant.

- So even Seals have a “Bucket List”.

*****

New worldwide data found that women in the USA have the fourth largest breasts in the world. They say it’s accurate because they used the Medical Gold Standard: A Double Blind Study.

- Actually, in this case it was a “Double D” Blind Study.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The White House and Secret Service are scrambling to figure out how a baggie filled with “white powder” - that tested positive for Cocaine - was found near the library of the White House Sunday night.

- Talk about a whodunit!

- It’s like a real life game of “Clue”… except instead of “Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the Candlestick”, it might have been “Hunter in the Library with the Crack Pipe”.

*****

Speaking of the First Son… New photos have emerged that Hunter took on August 2nd, 2018 of his car’s dashboard that show him driving 172 MPH, smoking crack while driving to Las Vegas to meet up with some Hookers.

- But as the administration was quick to point out, the important thing is… Hunter was driving an ELECTRIC CAR!!

*****

Power-eater Joey Chestnut gobbled his way to another win at Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest yesterday downing 62 franks and buns in 10 minutes to take his 8th straight “Mustard Belt” and 16th win since 2005.

- I had a couple hot dogs over the weekend. Question: Is there an easy way to get mustard out of the belly part of a Red, White & Blue shirt?? Especially the White part??

*****

Over the weekend, a massive brawl broke out at a Spirit Airlines ticket counter in Orlando.

- These days, flying Spirit is a lot scarier that riding the “Tower of Terror” and “Demon Drop” put together.

*****

Former NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio and his Lesbian wife of 30 years have decided to separate in order to “date other people” - but will not divorce and continue to live in the same house.

- Makes sense they're not getting divorced… they still have much in common… They both like girls!

*****

Actors and Actresses in Hollywood are preparing to join Writers in what would amount to a massive "Double Strike" that would bring nearly all US Movie and TV productions to a halt.

- So prepare yourself: The only things left are gonna be dozens of “Judge” shows and the "The Real Housewives of… FILL IN THE BLANK".

*****

Speaking of movies… Saw The “Sound of Freedom” yesterday which is about the US and Worldwide problem of Child Sex Trafficking. I recommend you see it!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick