On this day 247 years ago, a brave group of men put their names to a document declaring their Independence from Britain, then the most powerful nation on Earth. Thomas Jefferson’s words, “We hold these truth’s to be self-evident” and all that followed led to the creation of the greatest, most “Free” country in human history. But the men who put their “John Hancock” on that historic document paid a heavy price. I came across this early today and wanted to share it with you. As they say… Freedom isn’t free!

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“Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons in the revolutionary army, another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the revolutionary war.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they? Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners, men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers or both, looted the properties of Ellery, Clymer, Hall, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. The owner quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife’s bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.

Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: ‘For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.’”

Michael W Smith

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God Bless America!!!

See you back here tomorrow!

-Dick & Jackie

It's “National Waffle Iron Day”...

Which, of course, comes on the heels of "National Starch-Your-Pancakes Day".

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BREAKING: The Supreme Court has struck down Affirmative Action policies at Colleges and Universities making it illegal for them to use race as a single determining factor in admissions.

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Yesterday, the WH was forced to admit that President Biden has started wearing a CPAP machine at night to help with “Sleep Issues” after he was seen with visible marks on his face from wearing the mask.

- Well the CPAP may be helping Joe sleep better… but finding that out didn’t do much for my sleep last night.

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In other medical news…

Aspartame - the artificial sweetener used in everything from Diet Coke to "Extra" Chewing Gum is set to be declared "Possibly Carcinogenic to Humans" - despite being on the market since the 1980's.

- Well... if it only took them 40 years to figure that out, I guess we should be cool with them approving Ozempic, Wegovy & Rybelsus Diabetes drugs for Weight Loss in less than five years, right?

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Madonna was rushed to a New York City hospital's intensive care unit and spent several days in the ICU after being found unresponsive in her NYC apartment last Saturday. Doctors say she's on the mend after suffering from a "Life threatening" bacterial infection.

- Docs said it was “Scary” because it was the first time they’d seen Madonna with an infection “a tube of anti-biotic ointment” wouldn’t take care of.

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More than 80 million people from the Midwest to the East Coast are under air quality alerts as the smoke from Canadian wildfires sweeps across the US. The air quality here in Detroit and Chicago is being called the WORST IN THE WORLD!!!

- Hey Canada... next time you want to send us something... Send Tim Horton's Donuts!

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According to new research, an unwashed pillowcase could harbor 3 million bacteria after just one week, which is about 17,000 times more than the average toilet seat.

- Hey… How come Mike Lindell hasn't come up with a "MyToiletSeat"?? Who wouldn’t want “The most comfortable toilet seat you've ever owned”???

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The Philadelphia Department of Public Health is asking city residents for help naming its new public restrooms.

- How about… “Doodie Calls” ? Or not.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Elon Musk who is 52 today… It’s not too late Elon! You’ve still got time to make something of yourself!

Also celebrating a Birthday today… Comedy legend Mel Brooks turns the big 9-7. So many great movies… “Blazing Saddles”, “High Anxiety”, “The Producers”, “History of the World - Part I” my personal favorite, “Young Frankenstein”… and so many more!

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A new Pew Research survey released today found 57% of 1,007 Canadian respondents have a favorable view of the U.S., down from 63% in 2022.

- Meanwhile, another survey conducted yesterday found that 72% of Michiganders have a really Dim view of Canada… largely because they CAN’T SEE IT THROUGH THE ALL THE SMOKE FROM THE CANADIAN WILD FIRES.

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Well hats off - or should we say “Masks off” to Dr. Anthony Fauci who is set to join Georgetown University in July as a “Distinguished Professor… Georgetowns’s highest professional honor”. Fauci said, “I could do more experiments in the lab… but given what I’ve been through, I think what I have to offer is experience and inspiration to the younger generation of students.”

- I think I speak for a lot of Americans when I say… Please Doc… NO MORE “experiments” in your lab!! YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH.

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Talking to reporters on the grounds of the White House this morning, President Biden said that Russian President Putin is “Clearly losing the war in IRAQ”.

- Which is great new for Vlad… because now he can focus all his energy on his attacks in UKRAINE!

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Actress Gal Gadot - who played “Wonder Woman” is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

- Which comes as a great surprise to many in Hollywood who believe that nowadays, the “Wonder Woman” star should rightfully go to “Batman”.

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A Minnesota man is behind bars after he walked into a restaurant last Friday and “Began throwing Skittles candies at patrons and employees in an unprovoked attack”.

- Question: What would one have to do for it to be considered a “Provoked” Skittles attack??

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s “National Bingo Day”! That reminds me of something… I knew a farmer once. He had a dog. But for the life of me, I can’t remember the dogs name…

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Congratulations to Frankie Valli who said “I Do” to his 60 year old girlfriend Jackie Jacobs in Vegas yesterday! The two have been dating since 2015 and this is Frankie’s 4th trip down the aisle.

- Of course, at 89… this morning after the Wedding Night… he needed a little help to “Walk Like a Man”.

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Pop Singer “Pink” stopped singing in the middle of her London concert when one of her fans threw a bag on stage that contained… wait for it… THE WOMAN’S MOTHERS ASHES. She told a shocked “Pink” that her Mom didn’t get out much before she died and so she liked to “take her places”.

- I would have gone with a “Grateful Dead” concert… but that’s just me.

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This just in… A Department of Justice Watchdog announced that “A combination of negligence and misconduct” allowed Jeffrey Epstein to off himself in a New York City prison cell four years ago. The report blames the lack of a cellmate, broken cameras and “too many linens’ among the issues that allowed for his “Suicide”.

- Oh yeah… And the person who sneaked into his cell and killed him.

- Or is it snuck??

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A top Exec at Spotify says before Harry & Meghan’s $20 MILION deal was axed earlier this month, Prince Harry wanted to do Podcasts with “Donald Trump, Mark Zuckerberg and Vladimir Putin” about their CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS and how that affected them as adults. (TRUE)

- If only Vlad had done that Podcast I’m sure he wouldn’t have invaded Ukraine!!

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A video has gone viral of an incredibly fit, washboard-abbed Democratic presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. doing push-ups as he “Prepares to Debate” Joe Biden.

- Joe’s like, “Push ups, Smush ups! I wanna know if the guy can Fall UP the stairs!?!”

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On this day in 1778 the Liberty Bell was returned to Philadelphia after the British left for England following their defeat in the Revolutionary War.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Sooooo the whole Russian thing this weekend. What was that all about?? Beats me…

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A newly released What’s App message shows Hunter Biden pressuring a Chinese “Business Associate” so complete an agreed upon transaction or “face the consequences” while his father (VP at the time) is sitting in the room. Several days later… the Bidens received $5 MILLION from the Chinese.

- Gosh. What a coincidence!

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About a dozen naked men danced, rode their bikes and flashed their genitals to the crowd - including kids - at the Pride Parade in Seattle over the weekend.

I saw the video… and I don’t care where you stand on this issue… those guys didn’t have that much to be “Proud” of.

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Chris Christie was booed while addressing a gathering of top conservatives after he accused former President Trump of failing the Republican Party.

- It was the first time Christie’s gotten booed for something other than taking the last slab of ribs at the “Golden Coral” All You Can Eat Buffet.

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According to a new report, there are plans for more “Mission: Impossible” movies already in the works.

- But Tom Cruise is 60 now. At this point his idea of “Mission: Impossible” is getting his Cholesterol numbers in the “Good” range.

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A proposed bill from New York City council members would require emergency vehicles operating in the Big Apple to use quieter sirens.

- That way it will be easier to hear the screams of people being assaulted on the streets.

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On this date in 1993 “Late Night with David Letterman” aired for the last time on NBC. It also marked the last time David Letterman shaved.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

President Biden surprised his staff and angered the Chinese Government during a fundraising speech this week when he referred to Chinese President Xi Jinping as a “dictator.”

- Biden actually MEANT to say, “God Save the Dictator, man!”

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Wednesday, the US Agriculture Department approved the sale of Chicken grown in labs. It’s different from Plant-based meat because it’s actually made from animal cells that are grown in giant metal tanks.

- Great. Now another question we can’t answer: “Why did the Lab-Grown Chicken Cross the Road?”

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Alec Baldwin’s wife Hilaria, who - shares 7 kids with him - says that despite being 26 years Alec’s junior, “Sometimes I’m his Mommy, too”.

- Well based on his public behavior through the years… She might wanna think about taking away his Toys, Juice Box & Pokemon Cards for a while.

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Hilaria - famous for both her large family and her fake Spanish accent - says she “Loves giving birth” and likened the experience to “Going down a water slide that’s really scary! You get to the bottom and you’re like… I want to do that again!”

- I realize that I’m not a woman and I’ve never given birth…but isn’t it actually the BABY that’s the one “Going down the water slide”???

- Either way, remind me NOT to go to Cedar Point with Hilaria any time soon.

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A survey of 2,000 U.S. adults found that 54% of people are psyched for summer… which began yesterday… feeling “very” or “extremely” excited about hitting the beach or pool.

- The other 46% have already tried on their bathing suits in front of a mirror.

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A local TV Meteorologist in Iowa has resigned, citing “PTSD” brought on by the stress from threatening emails he says he received from viewers who were unhappy with his reports on “Climate Change”.

- I miss Sonny Eliot! He was Strong! He was Funny! He was “STRUNNY!!”

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Researchers documenting animal life on a stretch of Texas’ Gulf Coast shared video documenting an unusual discovery: a metal safe washed up on the beach.

- The safe was immediately given official papers, a free cell phone and a bus ticket to NYC.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Thanks to all of you who responded to yesterday’s post about EMMY AWARD WINNER BIG AL MUSKOVITO!!!! And special thanks to Purtan’s Person Joe Noune for reminding me that apparently - going forward - every time we mention Al’s name, we’ll have to preface it with “Emmy Award Winner”!

And I thought Al had a big head before!?!?!?

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BREAKING NEWS… After a FIVE YEAR Investigation... Hunter Biden has agreed to plead guilty to two tax misdemeanors and a single gun charge... meaning no jail time.

- Well... gosh... okay, then. That was fun.

- To prove to Republicans this isn't just a slap on the wrist, the Department of Justice is said to also be considering putting Hunter in a "Time Out".

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A contestant on “The Price is Right” got so excited about winning a prize, he dislocated his shoulder and host Drew Carey had to bring the man's wife up to spin the Big Wheel for him in the "Showcase Showdown".

- This is the most dramatic thing to happen on "The Price is Right" since a woman’s boobs popped out of her tube top while she was "Coming on Down" the aisle.

- Ironically… She ended up winning a Double Oven.

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A United Airlines flight attempting to park at the gate clipped the tail of another parked plane at Boston’s Logan Airport — shaking both planes and passengers.

- Airport cops were going to give the Pilot a ticket until they saw the "Careful… Student Driver!" bumper sticker on the plane’s tail.

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But in more important news…

According to a new fan poll, Michael Keaton is the Best Batman of all-time.

- But votes for the Best “Joker” of all-time went to the guy who said, "We have plans to build a railroad from the Pacific all the way across the Indian Ocean".

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Happy Birthday to my Granddaughter Julia today!!

Have a great day… and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

AND THE EMMY GOES TO…

Congratulations to Big Al who won an EMMY Saturday night for Best Documentary: “A Tribute to Dick Purtan” at the 45th Annual Michigan Emmy Awards! Al deserves this honor and so much more!! And I’ll admit I had to brush away a tear when he ended his acceptance speech by saying, “God Save the Queen, Man!”

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Rivaling Big Al in the fashion department this weekend was Pennsylavania Senator John Fetterman who greeted President Biden at an event while wearing baggy shorts and a hoodie.

- At this point I guess we should just be grateful Fetterman didn’t take his hoodie OFF and shake his boobs like the Transgender Activist did in the White House Rose Garden, right after shaking President Biden’s hand LAST weekend.

- So far the WH doesn’t seem to have a problem with Fetterman’s casual dress around the Prez… then again, it took Joe THREE DAYS to go from Praising the Pride Event to Banning the Guy/Girl who flashed His/Her Boobs from EVER being at the White House again!

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Prince Harry & Meghan Markle have been “Cancelled” by Music & Podcasting company Spotify after producing only 13 hours of their “Archetypes” Podcasts in 2 1/2 years - despite signing a $20 MILLION contract with the company.

- 13 HOURS in TWO YEARS??? I’m not sure they’re “Archetypes” so much as “Pain In the A**-e-types”

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In a new survey, Gen Z is calling out Baby Boomers for their “annoying” workplace habits.

- Ya know, stuff like… actually SHOWING UP.

Gen Z workers (those up to age 26) say Boomers also “waste paper” and “use outdated language”.

- For example, Baby Boomers tend to say things like, “Please”, “Thank You”, and “There are only 2 genders”.

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Researchers in Australia analyzed the calls of 700 Frogs and discovered that all of them have different accents.

- And all 700 of ‘em sound more realistic than that fake Spanish-thing Alec Baldwin’s wife “Hilaria” keeps using.

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A Nigerian chef is officially a Guinness World Record holder after spending a consecutive 93 hours and 11 minutes cooking.

- They gave her an official certificate but what she really needs is a Microwave.

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Kudos to Fred Nahhat, Bill Allesee, Bill Kubota, Rodney Brown, & Justin Brown for their Emmy acheivements as well… Way to go guys!!!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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It’s Flag Day & my daughter Jennifer’s Birthday!

Also… Happy Birthday to Former Prez Donald Trump who is 77 today… Haven’t heard much from him… Wonder what he’s been up to?

It’s also Boy George’s 62nd Birthday. Year’s ago, two of my daughters were at one of his concerts and in the middle of the show he announced that he had heard about a phony “Boy George Fan Club” that their father (Me) had started on the radio. At this point “The Boy” pointed to his butt and said to the crowd, “Well you can tell Dick Purtan to KISS MY A * * !!”

A few days later, I’m at restaurant and a big burly guy yells, “Hey Purtan, I wanna show you something”. He reaches in his wallet and pulls out a “Boy George Fan Club Membership Card”. So Boy George… How’s that for Karma? (Chameleon).

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Saturday, the White House held a “Pride Event” in the Rose Garden during which President Biden made a speech praising the celebration. Transgender Model and Activist Rose Montoya was there and she took off her top, shook her fake breasts and danced just moments after shaking hands with President Biden. THREE DAYS after the Prez praised the event, Montoya was banned from the White House.

- …But she’s got a standing invitation to stop by Bill Clinton’s place in Chappequa.

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John Hopkins University is being slammed by critics for changing its definition of “Lesbian” - which used to be defined as a “Woman attracted to other women” to instead refer to the group as “non-man attracted to non-men” in order to include non-binary people.

- Huh?

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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One of two 60 foot giant rubber ducks on display in Hong Kong’s Victoria Harbor deflated on Saturday after excessive heat caused seams in the plastic to give out.

- Sing with me… “Rubber Ducky you’re the one. You make bath time… so much fun! Rubber Ducky I’m awfully fond of you!!!”

- Kermit the Frog is said to be inconsolable. No wait… It’s Ernie (of Bert & Ernie) that’s upset. Kermit sang, “It’s not easy being Green”. Sorry.

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On Monday, Pat Sajak announced that the upcoming season of “Wheel of Fortune” - the 41st - will be his last, saying, “It’s been a wonderful ride!”

- Pat says he’ll spend retirement doing things “AROUND THE HOUSE”.

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On Friday, the FDA approved the first of its kind over the counter treatment for Erectile Dysfunction, called “Eroxon”. The topical gel is said to work in just 10 minutes and will be available without a prescription in 2024.

- Docs say this is welcome news as, ironically with everything going on in the world today, cases of ED have been on the Rise.

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Sir Rod Stewart's English country estate in the heart of Beverly Hills, California is up for sale to the tune of $70 million.

- Rod is 78 and is a little nervous about driving at night. Maybe he wants to move closer to his recording studio. You know… somewhere he can get to on a “Downtown Train”.

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A Tennessee woman is in police custody after she allegedly paid a hitman $10,000 to kill the wife of a man she met on a dating site. But it turns out the so-called Hitman she met on the “Online Killers Market” was actually a cop who turned her in.

- This is why I always hire my hitmen the old fashioned way - through the Better Business Bureau.

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According to a new survey, almost half of Americans have argued with their significant other over the temperature of their living space… with 17% admitting they’ve gone so far as to lock their partner out of the thermostat settings.

- I would NEVER do that! Not because I don’t WANT to… Because I don’t know HOW to.

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Happy Birthday to Detroits own Tim Allen who is 69 today!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Donald Trump said that, because they “Expose” the motivations of his political opponents, “In a sick way” he enjoys the legal charges and investigations brought against him.

- Well if that’s true… He’s been having one helluva good time ever since he came down that escalator and announced he was running for President in 2016!

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Pop superstar Lizzo braved the outdoor stage of the 2023 Governors Ball Friday despite New York City’s “unhealthy” air quality from the Canadian Wild Fires.

- Wow. That’s so unlike Lizzo to risk doing something unhealthy!

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In a now viral video, a YouTube Philanthropist (whatever that is) invited Tom Brady on his luxury yacht, sent his drone out over the water and challenged Brady to hit the drone with a pass. Tom joked that he “should come out of retirement” if he was successful - which, of course, he was. On his first try.

- We’ve already got this Biden-Trump re-do thing happening… We can’t re-live anything else.

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According to a new survey, 40% of adults still sleep with a childhood stuffed animal… even when sharing a bed with their partner.

- So? Is there something wrong with that??

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The White House is now confirming that China has paid Cuba BILLIONS and is currently operating a Spy Base on the Island - which is located just 90 miles from the U.S.

- Well there goes the neighborhood.

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A new report states that Australia will raise the minimum wage by almost 6% this summer as families grapple with soaring living costs.

- It’s gotten so bad, just to make ends meet, some people are forcing their pet Kangaroos to take jobs at IHOP.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

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-Dick

Happy Belated Birthday to singer Tom Jones who turned 83 yesterday! Tom is still touring… but these days, when someone requests “She’s a Lady”, “It’s Not Unusual” for it to be dedicated to a guy named “Delilah” who’s wearing high heels and a low cut dress.
Note: I once emceed Tom’s concert at the old Olympia Stadium. Tom and yours truly were onstage along with several dozen pair of women’s panties. And how the women boo’ed when I announced that there would be a “Short 15 minute intermission”…

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Former VP Mike Pence jumped in the Presidential race Tuesday… NJ Gov. Chris Christie announced Monday and North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum threw his hat in the Republican ring Wednesday.

At this point the only person NOT running for President as a Republican is Joe Biden.

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Tucker Carlson debuted the first episode of his new “Show” on Twitter Tuesday night… and the 10 minute monologue covering everything from Ukraine to UFO’s has been viewed 135 MILLION times in less than 48 hours.

- It’s the only video in history to get that many views….. without featuring a naked Kardashian.

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Prince Harry reportedly “warned” King Charles II not to send Princess Lilibet the custom made playhouse he had made for her second birthday last Sunday because it was “too extravagant”. Harry wanted Charles to send something “useful” instead.

- Charles was like, “Hey Harry… How about YOU get her something USEFUL… like say, a DIVORCE!”

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A new survey reveals that 45% of adults skip soap when washing their hands.

- The other 55% skip the process entirely, saying they “washed their hands enough” during the Pandemic.

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Jerry Maquire star Cuba Gooding Jr. has settled a sexual assault case against him just hours before his civil trial was set to begin. No word on how much Gooding agreed to pay the woman who accused him of assaulting her in his hotel room a decade ago.

- Bottom line: She says he showed her something she didn’t want to see… And now he’s “Showing HER the Money”.

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A man visiting a theme park in Florida was caught on camera sneaking into an Alligator enclosure.

- To add insult to injury, he was wearing Crocs.

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RIP… Pat Robertson, the televangelist who founded the Christian Broadcasting Network, hosted “The 700 Club and ran for President in 1988 has died peacefully at his home in Virginia Beach, Virginia. He was 93.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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It’s D-Day.  On this day in 1944, tens of thousands of American, British and Canadian troops stormed the beaches of Normandy, France and began an eleventh month march to Berlin.  This seaborne invasion, one of the great battles in History, cost thousands of lives, but ultimately led to the end of World War II in Europe. We salute and honor those from the Greatest Generation who lost their lives that day... as well as those who lived to tell the stories.

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BREAKING NEWS… The PGA & European Golf Tours will Merge with LIV… PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan said, "After two years of disruption and distraction, this is a historic day for the game we all know and love".

- Monahan said he wanted to “Shout it from the rooftops”… but, in keeping with Golf Etiquette, his announcement was made in a whisper and was met with a polite “Golf clap”.

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Just weeks after mouthing “I Love You” on stage to her new boytoy, Taylor Swift and her new boyfriend, Matt Healy - have called it quits. The break up comes just days after Matt was caught on camera kissing a male security guard on the lips.

- Well, Matt’s found a new guy to love… let’s hope Taylor can do the same.

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The New York Times is facing ridicule after it ran an article this weekend that painted President Biden’s age in a positive light, describing the 80-year-old president as “sharp,” “fit,” and having “striking stamina.”

- In their defense, back in the day they described the Titanic as “big”, “buoyant” and “positively unsinkable”.

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A University of Cincinnati student is speaking out after her professor allegedly failed her for using the term "Biological Women” in an essay about transgender athletes competing in women’s sports. The prof claims the term is “exclusionary” because “Biological Women” only focuses on “Females”.

- Question: Can I refer to the Professor as a “Biological Idiot” or is that too “exclusionary”??

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Rowan Atkinson - British’s TV’s “Mr. Bean”… says he bought into the idea of Electric Vehicles early… but now feels he was “duped” and that they’re actually worse for the environment than gas powered vehicles.

- And if anyone would know about the destructive powers of Gas… it’s someone named “Mr. Bean”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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According to multiple reports, Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will reportedly enter the2024 presidential contest next week.

- Trump is the head of the MAGA movement… While Christie is the head of the MEGA movement.

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According to a new survey of people working in the office again, over 8 in 10 employees said having free beverages as a workplace perk would make them “feel valued”.

- Remember the good old days when all you needed to "feel valued" at work was a paycheck??

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According to a new survey, 1 in 5 Floridians don’t prep for hurricane season.

- But on a bright note, they no longer have to spend time prepping their kindergarteners for Drag Queen Reading and Dancing Hour!

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A UK woman was knocked unconscious while running down a hill to chase a 7-pound cheese wheel, but still managed to win her race.

- Wow. She really kicked Asiago.

- The same thing happened to me once in the annual "Purtan Family Velveeta-thon”.

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The Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Vancouver chased down and arrested a man who shoplifted $2100 worth of toothpaste from a grocery store.

- His attorney is asking for a reduced sentence as this is the man’s “First Brush with the law”.

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Fans of Taylor Swift - also known as “Swifties" are said to get so emotional at her concerts that they suffer Amnesia and can’t actually remember attending the show.

- How come this doesn’t happen when Mike Lindell comes on TV to tell me about the most incredible sale on “My Pillow” he’s ever had??

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Police in Japan have arrested an 85-year-old man on suspicion of shoplifting two packs of condoms from a convenience store.

- Hey... The guy's 85 and he stole TWO PACKS of Condoms?? I say give the guy points for being an optomist!!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Scientists have used skull measurements and skeletal images of Egypt’s famed “King Tutankhamun” to recreate what they believe his face looked like 3,300 years after his death. They say “King Tut” likely looked much more like a “young student” than the powerful Egyptian Pharaoh people might expect.

- Researchers said they were unable to confirm whether or not he was “Buried with a Donkey”, but one did admit that, “He’s my favorite Honky”.

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President Biden laughed and waved off a reporter this week when asked whether he would consider a pardon for ex-President Donald Trump.

- They thought he was laughing at the question, but it turns out he was just doing his impression of Kamala Harris.

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Just weeks after Robert DeNiro confirmed that he’d become a Dad for the seventh time at age 79 comes news that Al Pacino - who turned 83 last month - is about to welcome his 4th child. Turns out Pacino’s girlfriend - who is 29 - is eight months pregnant.

- Al said he thought he was done with the whole “Diaper Changing thing”… but added, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!".

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Bruce Springsteen took a nasty fall during the middle of his concert in Amsterdam over the weekend, but quickly picked himself up and carried on with the show.

- Bruce is 73. He’s getting to that age where it’s not safe for him to Dance or do just about anything else in the Dark for his own safety.

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A 46 year old Florida woman was arrested for going on a bizarre robbery spree that included driving off on someone’s $120,000 John Deere tractor while wearing a pink dress and stealing “several packages of frozen venison and a bottle of wine”.

- Hey… everybody’s got their own idea of the perfect “Date Night”!

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NY Mets player Pete Alonso revealed that he urgently needed to go to the bathroom when he hit a home run after “mistiming” his pregame coffee when the Mets played the Cincinnati Reds earlier in May.

- Well this gives a whole new meaning to "Going… Going… Gone!!!!"

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Jane Fonda... who has made 4 movies with Robert Redford over the years... says the Hollywood Heartthrob "did not like to kiss" and "has a problem with women".

-I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that maybe Robert just did't like kissing YOU Jane.

*****

Two climate activists who smeared paint on a case surrounding 19th-century French artist Edgar Degas’ “Little Dancer Aged Fourteen” sculpture at the National Gallery of Art were taken into custody and face federal charges.

- Meanwhile... Prince Andrew spent the weekend scouring the internet trying to get "Little Dancer Aged Fourteen"'s phone number.

*****

Speaking of the Royals…

King Charles III honored the late "Queen of Rock 'n' Roll" Tina Turner last week when he had the Band of the Welsh Guards perform "Simply the Best” in front of Buckingham Palace.

- Then he had them do a nice cover of Elton John's "The Bitch is Back" and dedicated it to Meghan Markle.

*****

Guinness World Records announced that a garment measuring 357 feet long and 241 feet wide has officially been certified as the world's largest T-shirt.

- After receiving the award, the "I'm With Stupid T-Shirt" was returned to it's owner, a man waiting in line to ride the "Wild Mouse" at Cedar Point.

*****

New research suggests that wine drinking in the Americas dates back to the age of Columbus.

- Historians say Columbus actually brought bottles of fermented grapes with him when he landed with his ships the Nina, the Pino Grigio and the Santa Maria.

*****

According to a new survey, 82% of millennials worry that A.I. will "learn to do what we do" and take our paychecks.

- Did they say "Paychecks"?? Since most of them live in their parents basements, I'm pretty sure they meant "Allowance".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Now more than ever, it is imperative that we Remember and Honor the brave men and women who made the Ultimate Sacrifice for our country… And those who wore and continue to wear the uniform to ensure that we may live in Freedom. We owe them a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid.

Have a great rest-of-the-Holiday-weekend and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

RIP… Tina Turner… The "Queen of Rock 'n' Roll who overcame an abusive marriage and charted hits for more than 5 decades including "Proud Mary", "What's Love Got to Do With It", "Private Dancer", "Better Be Good To Me" and "Simply the Best" died yesterday at age 83. Turner had suffered from numerous illnesses in recent years including Intestinal Cancer, Stroke and Kidney Failure. She is survived by her 2nd husband Erwin Bach who was with her when she passed away at their home in Switzerland.

*****

Florida governor Ron DeSantis's Presidential Campaign Launch got off to a rocky start last night when his historic announcement on Twitter "Broke the Internet" and was delayed for more than a half hour.

- So if you "Go Woke you Go Broke", but it you "Go To Twitter, you better check the Transmitter".

*****

An Idaho duo unofficially broke their own Guinness World Record when they took turns tooting party blowers for a total of 93 toots in one minute.

- The previous record for “Most Toots In a Minute” went to my ex-brother in law Joe after he judged three Chili-Cook Off's in one weekend back in 80's.

*****

Netflix will try to limit password sharing by billing subscribers an additional $8 per month if viewers outside their household use their account.

- So you can push someone in front of a subway and get away scot free… but borrow your grandson's password to watch “Yellowstone” and they'll come after you…

*****

In a new interview, Jay Leno revealed that he’s doing surprisingly well after his car fire last November and motorcycle accident in January.

- Leave it to Jay to take it on the Chin.

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly “shocked” that so many people doubted the story about their “near-catastrophic” car chase in New York City last week... with one of their "People" saying, "They insist their account of the car chase was absolutely not exaggerated, and for people to say otherwise is so hurtful and out of line.”

- And if ANYONE knows about saying things that are hurtful and out of line, it's Harry and Meghan!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Bob Dylan who’s 82 today! Hey Bob… I’ve got a question: How does it feel? How does it feel??

*****

Target is scrambling to avoid becoming the next “Bud Light” after customers complained about the “tuck friendly” WOMEN’s SUIMSUITS designed for “Trans women who have not had gender-affirming operations to conceal their male genitals”. The backlash has been swift.

- Or should I say… the “Front-lash”.

*****

Malaysian comedian “Uncle Roger” has been banned from China’s social media after making jokes about President Xi Jinping and Taiwan.

- I did a little research on Ancestry.com and “Uncle Roger” is actually a distant relative of our own “Mr. Rogers”. But I’m guessing, thanks to Xi… “Uncle Roger” is NOT having a Beautiful day in HIS neighborhood.

*****

The one-of-a-kind White dress worn by Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in 1977’s “Star Wars” Episode IV - A New Hope” is hitting the auction block. Movie memorabilia experts expect it to bring in between $1 MILLION and $2 MILLION.

- They say if it goes for the full price… they’ll throw in two giant cinnamon rolls that can be used as hair buns.

*****

A recent survey finds that 75% of working Americans experience the “Sunday Scaries” - the feeling of anxiety or dread about returning to work on Monday.

- And 50% of Americans experience “Weak and Wobbly Wednesday” - the feeling of nausea and dehydration that follows a night of celebrating “Taco Tuesday” at Jose’s House of Jalapeños.

*****

Japanese ice cream brand Cellato has set a new Guinness World Record for the most expensive ice cream, selling it for approximately $6,696 per serving.

- Whoa! That’s like 50 cents more per serving than Ben and Jerry’s!

*****

Speaking of Ice Cream…

RIP… DQ’s Cherry Dip Cone. An Employee at a Shelby Township location says the company has decided to drop the flavor.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

According to a new study, Seattle is the worst city in the United States for people NOT cleaning up after their Dogs.

- And in related news… another study found that Rice-a-Roni is no longer considered the “San Francisco Treat”… Making it home alive is!!

*****

Donald Trump launched a verbal attack at his former White House staffer and current co-host of “The View” Alyssa Farah Griffin, calling her a “sleazebag” and a “loser.”

- In a rare move… Trump later apologized… Saying he meant to say that about Joy Behar.

*****

The most dangerous volcano in Mexico… Popcatepetl, which has been dormant since 1994, is spewing ashe and now 6 million people have been warned they may have to flee the area.

- Maybe they cross the border and wait it out in Texas. I haven’t heard about much happening down there…

*****

Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez are Engaged!! Yes… The man who founded Amazon popped the question to his girlfriend of 5 years and presented her with a 20 CARAT RING worth an estimated $2.5 MILLION.

- Luckily, with Prime… the Shipping was FREE!!!

*****

The lovebirds are currently cruising Europe in Bezo’s new $500 MILLION Super Yacht which features a sculpture of his now fiancee on board. FYI… experts say it will take an additional $25 MILLION a year just for upkeep.

- Are they talking about the yacht or the fiance??

*****

Some parents in Missouri are outraged about a section in their kids High School Yearbook highlighting drinking, drugs and casual sex, pics of condoms and pregnancy tests, and a list of “The weirdest places to do it”.

- In my high school, everybody already knew the weirdest places to do it because a couple of the teachers were allegedly “Getting it on” between classes!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick