According to a new survey… 62% of German men sit down “every” or “most of the time” when they“Relieve themselves” as opposed to standing. There’s even a name for them: “Sitzpinklers”.

- “Sitzpinklers”?? No wonder they lost the war.

*****

Prince Harry’s “people” are denying rumors that the former Prince keeps a Hotel Room at a Private Club in California where he can “Escape” when he want’s to get away from Meghan for a while.

- Right. Like Harry stands a chance of making it past the electric fence!

*****

According to a new study… The simple act of Gardening can lower your risk of cardiovascular disease.

- NOT SO FAST… Remember Tiny Tim?? The Ukulele playing guy?? Well he died of a HEART ATTACK ON STAGE in 1996 just as he was about to play “TIP TOE THROUGH THE TULIPS”. So it looks like Gardening didn’t work out too well for him.

- Then again… he WAS married to a 17 year old girl… “Miss Vicki”. Maybe the stress of the Wedding Night outweighed the benefits of puttering around the garden??

*****

More than 200 people were arrested and 40 were taken to the hospital with minor injuries after a “Go Topless” Jeep Celebration at a beach in Texas spiraled out of control.

- Of the 200 arrested, 199 were topless women…… along with 1 Sitzpinkler.

*****

A Moscow man nicknamed the “Russian Popeye” who had OIL injected into his arms to get big biceps has admitted that he now regrets having the procedure done.

- But added, “I Yam what I Yam”.

*****

Experts say that American credit card debt could hit $1 Trillion this year.

- Hey… If it’s good enough for the U.S. Government… It’s good enough for Us!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

First it was Beer… now it’s Bathing Suits! Adidas is being accused of “Erasing Woman” by using a 6’ 2” biological male with a hairy chest and a bulging crotch in a one piece swimsuit in an ad for its new LADIES Swimwear.

- What’s next? Women in Men’s bathing suits?? Wait a sec… Maybe I’m on to something…

- Come to think of it… If you look at old pics from the 1920’s and 30’s, Men DID wear what looked like “Women’s” bathing suits! We’re not going FORWARD… We’re going BACKWARD…

*****

NYC Mayor Eric Adams, New York Police and even the Paparazzi are throwing cold water on Harry and Meghan’s claims that. they were involved in a “Near catastrophic” car chase thru the city for TWO HOURS Tuesday night. There were NO Police reports and no videos or pics of the alleged incident have shown up on the internet.

- Even O.J. Simpson said “I don’t believe you”.

*****

Even the Cabbie who drove the couple during part of the alleged “Incident” said they were only in the car for about 10 minutes said, “It wasn’t like a car chase in a movie or anything” but admitted “Harry did seem nervous”.

- Wel, yeah. He’s gone from the Prince of England to the Jussie Smolett of America in just two years.

*****

Mick Jagger’s 51 year old daughter Jade was arrested after going on a drunken tirade and allegedly assaulting several police officers at a restaurant in Spain.

- She asked to be released on her own recognizance… but the Judge refused, saying “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”.

*****

According to a new survey, Teenagers would give up the right to Vote to keep Social Media.

- And seeing what most teenagers post on the internet… I say we let them HAVE Social Media as long as they PROMISE to GIVE UP their right to vote!!!

*****

Disney announced that Hulu's hit reality show “The Kardashians” has been renewed for another 20 episodes.

- I can’t believe they didn’t re-new it sooner. Well, you know what they say… “HIND-sight is 20/20”.

*****

Johnny Depp received a seven-minute standing ovation at this year’s Cannes Film Festival for his role as Louis the 15th.

- Well it was either his role as Louis the 15th… or surviving his marriage to Amber Heard.

*****

The average price for renting a one-bedroom apartment in New York City has skyrocketed to a record high of over $4200 a month… which only gets you about 700 sq. ft.

- But what you lack in space… you make up for in free Crime!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

BREAKING NEWS… Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were involved in a “terrifying” Paparazzi car chase last night in NYC. Details are sketchy… but they are saying the chase lasted for TWO HOURS and involved “Multiple near collisions”. Question: A TWO HOUR CAR CHASE IN NYC?? You can hardly drive TWO BLOCKS in TWO HOURS in NYC. Why didn’t they get out and walk???

*****

Citing a “High Sugar content”… U.S. officials are considering a ban on chocolate milk in elementary and middle school cafeterias.

- Which is gonna come as a real blow to second graders who like to throw back a cold mug of chocolate milk after taking in a Drag Show during “Career Day”.

*****

ABC has given the green light to the “Golden Bachelor”… a Senior-Version of it’s popular “Bachelor” reality dating series that will feature a Man and a group of Woman - all over 60 - looking for love.

- It’ll be just like the original, but instead of giving his favorite lady a “Rose” at the end, on the “Golden Bachelor”, he symbolically hands her his prescription for Viagra.

- FYI: Per the Cleveland Clinic… 40% of men need/take Viagra at age 40 and nearly 70% of men use it at age 70+. The age of the average user?? 53. Your welcome.

*****

Next week, Dancers at the Star Garden Topless Dive Bar in Los Angeles will become the first Unionized group of Strippers in the U.S.

- It will be the first Union in history to have all of it’s dues paid in singles.

*****

Police in Florida arrested a man for throwing a piece of “Unidentified lunch meat” at an officer, striking him in the chest.

- He immediately lawyered up telling cops, “My attorney has a first name… “It’s O-S-C-A-R. My Attorney has a second name it's M-A-Y-E-R…”

*****

Yesterday we reported that Tom Brady is denying rumors that he’s dating Kim Kardashian… We are now investigating rumors (started by us) that he is romantically involved with Rosie O’Donnell. Details as we make them up…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

1 year old Martha Stewart will make history on Thursday, when she becomes the the oldest woman in history to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit issue.

- I don’t know if she’s got a recipe for homemade Botox or what… but she sure looks Good!!!!

*****

The report also claims that the FBI "Used a different standard when weighing concerns about alleged election interference regarding Hillary Clinton’s campaign".

- Well… you get what you pay for!

*****

President Biden told reporters that the Southern border looks “much better than you all expected” after Title 42 expired last week and says he has no immediate plans to visit the area.

- Apparently he uses the same travel agent as Kamala Harris.

*****

An advocacy group in Alberta, Canada wants the Province to secede from the country and become the 51st American State. The group says their fed up with "Increasingly authoritarian tactics” under Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

- Imagine the license plates... "Alberta: The Hockey & Donut State!"

*****

Tom Brady is denying rumors that he is involved in a romantic relationship with Kim Kardashian.

- Kim has also denied the gossip… saying she’s afraid he might let the air out of her butt like he allegedly did with those footballs.

*****

A new study finds that other than a hot cup of coffee, people’s favorite drinks to start the workday are iced coffee, water, and flavored water.

- And the way the world is going these days... they like their morning beverage mixed with a touch of Booze.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

According to a Palace insider, before dinner every night King Charles treats himself to a martini comprised of half gin and half dry vermouth, garnished with an olive or lemon twist.

- Prince Andrew, on the other hand splits a Shirley Temple with his girlfriend.

*****

The Food and Drug Administration says it's safe to bring dogs to restaurants with outdoor seating - as long as the restaurant follows local rules. But there's one caveat: If a restaurant is open for one kind of dog... it has to be open to all.

- Thus the old expression, "What's Good for the Goose... Is Good for the Goldendoodle".

- Bottom line: If you want to enjoy your Noodles with Poodles, you’ll also have to share your Ground Round with a Basset Hound.

*****

While delivering the Commencement Address to Grads at Howard University over the weekend, President Biden declared that “the most dangerous terrorist threat” to the American homeland is… White Supremacy.

- I'm sure the Russians, Chinese, and Iranians were relieved to hear that!

*****

Social media users have been left in hysterics over a viral video that showed a wild fox relieving himself in someone’s pint of lager at a pub in England.

- A beer hasn’t become undrinkable that fast since Bud Light teamed up with Trans Influencer Dylan Mulvaney.

*****

United Airlines pilots picketed at major airports across the nation this past weekend… demanding higher pay.

- I saw them on the news and they didn’t get too into the protest… Seemed like they were on Auto-Pilot.

- But it was nice to see the flight attendants show up at the picket line with coffee and pretzels for the Pilots.

*****

Police in New Jersey are on the lookout for a Peeping GOAT… who is wandering the streets peering into peoples homes.

- Well it's nice to see Tom Brady is keeping himself busy.

*****

Hope you had a great Mother’s Day!! And… I hope you didn’t forget dear old Dad because, remember, If it wasn’t for your father, your mother wouldn’t be your mother! So don’t forget to remember Dad on Father’s Day coming up on June 18th!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Twilight Zone Day”… And between CNN’s Town Hall with Prez Trump last night, the House Oversight Committee Press Conference about the Biden’s making $10 MILLION from China & Ukraine, and Title 42 coming to an end at the Southern Border… Even Rod Serling of the “Twilight Zone” is freaking out… and he’s been gone since 1975.

*****

It’s also “National Eat What You Want Day”… which may not be a good idea. According to a new study, about 25% of studies published in Medical Journals are “Made up or plagiarized”.

- Well this makes me second guess a study I read yesterday saying Bacon dipped in Sour Cream is good for your Heart…

*****

Music superstar “The Weeknd” who performed at the 2021 Super Bowl says he’s considering going back to the name he was born with…

- “Monday thru Friday”.

*****

A new survey finds that most students don’t have strong connections with their teachers.

- With the exception of the ones who are are sleeping with them.

- I had a very strong connection with Mrs. Tennant, my second grade teacher because she used to play Marbles with us. She could roll an Aggie like nobody’s business. Plus… she made me Peter Rabbit in the School Play (the “Star” if you will) - and even came up on stage and pinned my tail back on when it fell off during the middle of the peformance. If that isn’t a “strong connection”… I don’t know what is!

*****

Wanna stay itch free this summer? Start in the shower! A new study out of Virginia Tech found that certain brands of soap attract more mosquitos than others.

- For example, they like Irish Spring. It’s Manly, yes… but mosquitos like it too.

*****

Thieves reportedly stole more than $13,000 worth of sneakers from a shoe store in Peru, loaded them onto a Tricycle and took off. But it turns out they took boxes that held the other half of the “Display” model and ended up with 200 Right-footed tennis shoes.

- I’ll bet they’re really kicking themselves. (But only with their right foot).

*****

A Minnesota man has built what he believes is the world's first beer-powered motorcycle in his garage.

- Well, that’s one way to get rid of any unused Bud Light.

*****

RIP… Jacklyn Zeman, the longtime "General Hospital" actress who played the role of Barbara "Bobbie" Spencer - appearing in 800 episodes over 50 years has died at 70. No cause has been given. I’m not personally a “General Hospital” fan… I was always more of a “The Young & The Restless” and “The Bold & The Beautiful” kind of guy!

(Okay… Truth be told… I Googled “Soap Operas” and those 3 are the only ones still on the air! Honest!)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s National “Trust Your Intuition Day”… But to be honest, I don’t have a good feeling about this.

*****

Buddy Holly, the petit basset griffon Vendéen, has been named best in show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show – the first of his breed to win the prestigious contest’s top prize.

- Buddy’s trainer said… “He’s a real champion who showed beautifully and left everything on the field”. Well… that’s what Pooper-Scoopers are for.

*****

79 year old Robert De Niro’s girlfriend has given birth to the actor’s 7th child.

- He hasn’t revealed the baby’s sex or name yet… but did mentioned that he’s asked Al Pacino to be the baby’s Godfather.

*****

A “Political Expert” on MSNBC called CNN’s decision to broadcast a Town Hall with former Prez Donald Trump Wednesday night “Horrifically bad judgment”… Adding, "In journalism, you actually will control the questions and the answers”.

- I’m sorry… WHAT??? Journalists control the ANSWERS??? Then why ask the QUESTIONS in the first place??

*****

An Idaho man donned a boxing glove and used it to catch 84 tennis balls in 1 minute, breaking a Guinness World Record.

- Not a whole lot goin’ on in Idaho it would appear.

*****

According to new data, the Miami Marlins have the cheapest hot dogs in baseball at $3-dollars per weiner. while the The Baltimore Orioles have the most expensive hot dog in the MLB at $8.25 per dog.

- In a related story… The most expensive Weiner on Record is Anthony Weiner… who lost his job and got 18 years in the Slammer for sending pics of his Hot Dog to a Teenager.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Billy Joel who is 74! So let’s sing him a song… He’s the Piano Man! Let’s sing him a song tonight. Well we're all in the mood for a melody… And he’s got us feelin' alright!

*****

The 147th Westminster Dog Show will crown it’s “Best in Show” tonight… The culmination of a competition that saw 3,000 dogs from 210 different breeds hailing from 49 states and 13 different countries.

- The glitz and glamour gets underway tonight at 8… Followed immediately after by the Carpet Cleaning starting at 11pm.

- TIP: If you haven’t seen the movie “Best in Show”… I recommend you do! It’s an incredibly funny movie about a faux Dog Show.

*****

Sunny Hostin has admitted that her “The View” co-host Whoopi Goldberg was none too thrilled when Hostin claimed that Whoopi was the lady who “Passed the most gas” on the set of the talk show… but added that since their friends, Whoopi was, “Okay with it”.

- Well… that’s one way to “Clear the air”.

*****

A new survey finds more than 4 in 5 people admit to snooping through other people’s phones and computers… With the majority admitting they spy on their romantic partner’s devices.

- I would never do that! Mostly because I can barely unlock my OWN phone… let alone anybody elses.

*****

At a post-Coronation lunch Saturday, King Charles raised a toast to grandson Prince Archie wishing him a happy fourth birthday. Archie stayed back in California with his sister Lilibet and his mom, Meghan Markle.

- It’s a shame Archie could’t be there for his Grandpa’s big day… but hey, at least Archie’s Grandpa admits he’s a member of the family.

*****

A new study of Uranus’ large moons shows that four of them may hold water.

- In related news, a new study found that Kim Kardashian has four previously unidentified large moons that we didn’t know about before.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

On Saturday, hundreds of millions of people around the world watched Charles was officially crowned King of England and the United Kingdom.

- Charles in 74. I know I’m not alone when I say… It’s about time he got a job!

*****

The Archbishop of Canterbury had to place the Crown on King Charles head three times to keep from falling off…

- King Charles was so irritated that he issued his first proclamation of the new Monarchy… He turned to the Executioner, pointed to the Archbishop and ordered, “Off with his head!”

*****

Prince Harry was relegated to the third row with “lesser Royals” during the ceremony and was NOT invited to appear with the Royal Family on the balcony of Buckingham Palace.

- Although you’ve got to admit, Harry worked REALLY hard to be treated like the “Red Headed Stepchild”.

*****

Prince Andrew wasn’t allowed on the balcony either.

- Which actually freed him up to spend time with his date who was a member of the “Coronation Baton Twirling Team” from the local middle school.

*****

As prosecutors near a decision whether to bring criminal tax and gun charges against his son Hunter, the President declared during an interview Friday night that his son Hunter “has done nothing wrong”.

- Well okay then! I’m glad we got that cleared up!

*****

Actor Scott Baio who played Cha-Chi on “Happy Days” says crime is so bad in California, he’s ditching his $3 million dollar mansion and leaving the state for greener pastures.

- He’s even making a new sit-com about the move called, “Joanie may Love Cha-Chi… But Cha-Chi no Longer Loves L.A.”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new report says implementing “Summer Schedules” at work can improve team morale and productivity.

- Here’s an idea… How about we convince Mother Nature to start implementing a little “Summer Weather”around here FIRST.

*****

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has announced their 2023 class of inductees... and they include George Michael, Willie Nelson and The Spinners. Not making the cut... first time nominee, Cyndi Lauper.

- So I guess this time… This Girl is just Not Gonna Have Fun.

*****

The maker of Bud-Light said it will give a free case of beer to every wholesale employee to help make amends for the Dylan Mulvaney "Trans Influencer" Fiasco". Sales of Bud Light have been in free fall since partnering with the Trans Woman and has lost more than $6 BILLION.

- So their plan to make up for $6 BILLION in lost sales is to GIVE AWAY the beer for FREE??? Sounds like they've been drinking too much of their own product.

*****

A Royal Biographer says the REAL reason Meghan Markle won't attend King Charles Coronation this weekend is... She wants to "Protect her Peace".

- For those not into history… in 1066, William the Conqueror crossed the English Channel to defeat King Harold in the Battle of Hastings, eventually becoming the new King of England. Absent at his coronation: Duchess Markle… The Not-So-Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Grandmother of Meghan Markle who stayed home with the kids following a controversial interview with Lady O. Winfrey.

*****

A new survey finds that Americans are choosing cheaper summer vacation options this year due to the rising cost of Plane tickets.

- Two Words: CEDAR POINT!

*****

A court in the Netherlands has banned a man from fathering any more children… He’s got 550.

- I’m not one to hop on the “Sexism” bandwagon… but what about the WOMAN?? She’s given birth 550 TIMES?? Aren’t they going to ban HER??? Oh wait… I get it… There’s probably more than one woman involved…

- That reminds me of the time we were broadcasting the show live from Disneyworld in Orlando. We were about to interview Morey Amsterdam from the old Dick Van Dyke show who was down there promoting something when he looked at Jackie and said, “How are you?”. Being about 5 in the morning, Jackie responded, “I’m tired”. Morey looked at her and said, “You’re tired??… Imagine how Snow White feels!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

WH Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre sent the Internet into a meltdown yesterday when she claimed during her daily Press Briefing that the Biden Administration has “Brought down illegal immigration by 90%”.

- Hey Karine… Pinocchio wants his nose back!

*****

In a recent interview, “The View” cohost Sunny Hostin revealed that Whoopi Goldberg "Breaks Wind” more than any of the other co-hosts.

- Hey Sunny… Thanks for the info… That’s why they call it "Breaking" news!!

*****

Video of a Target store in San Francisco went viral after it showed nearly EVERY ITEM in the Health & Beauty Aisle encased in glass to prevent shoplifting.

- I’m not so concerned with the Health & Beauty Aisle as I am with the “Cleaning Aisle”… You know, the one with Comet, Tilex, etc… It must take me 5 to 10 minutes to find the item I’m looking for so I usually end up asking a woman shopper nearby if she’ll help me and 9 times out of ten she knows EXACTLY where to find the item on my shopping list. Either women are geniuses or I’m an idiot. Possibly both.

*****

Hunter Biden was chastised by an Arkansas Judge yesterday for blacking out all of his financial information on the records he submitted - despite appearing in her courtroom to prove he's too BROKE to afford his Child Support Payments for the love child he had with a Stripper four years ago.

- If the Judge really wants to make him pay, she should order Hunter to wear a Red “Make Child Support Great Again” Baseball Cap.

*****

Senator Elizabeth Warren slammed the Biden Administration after another big bank failed this week… claiming tax payers will be the ones left paying the bill. Three banks have failed so far this year.

- No wonder Liz is on the Warpath again.

- She says this wouldn’t have happened if Joe had made her Secretary of the Treasury… you know, someone higher up on the Totem Pole.

*****

RIP… Canadian singer-songwriter Gordon Lightfoot… who died in Toronto yesterday at the age of 84. He was known for songs like "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", "Sundown", "Carefree Highway", and "If You Could Read My Mind". Gordon was a “regular” on my morning radio show thanks to Big Al’s incredibly accurate impression of him and his songs. It was always one of my favorite character bits!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Friends and allies of Anthony Weiner are urging the disgraced ex-congressman to stage a political comeback.

- He went by “Carlos Danger” when he sent Naked pictures of himself to women… and after seeing them, the women said he was a real “Zorro”… or was that “Zero”???

*****

Last night, at the White House correspondents’ dinner, President Biden said “You say I’m over the hill, Don Lemon would say that’s a man in his prime.”

- And we know how well that worked out for Don.

******

Hunter Biden is in an Arkansas courtroom this morning trying to have his child support payments REDUCED for the love child he had with a Stripper four years ago… saying his financial circumstances “have changed” and he “can’t afford” to pay.

- REALLY??? Looks like Hunter may have finally “Painted” himself into a corner.

*****

According to a new survey, nearly 8 in 10 parents read their children the same books that were read to them as kids.

- Of course it’s the new “Woke” versions of the old classics. Like, “James and the Plus-Sized Peach” and “Charlotte’s an Influencer on the Web!”

*****

A new study finds that Artificial Intelligence programs like ChatGPT struggle with math and are unlikely to replace bankers and accountants.

- Well they can’t do much worse of a job than the “Real” people who are actually running the banks into the ground!

*****

An LA police sergeant is without a part of his pinky after it was bitten off and eaten by a man on the street.

- According to the Police report, “This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none. And then the Wolf came and he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down!! Excuse me… I think I’ve got the wrong ending on that.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

South Korean President Yoon Suk Yeol engaged in some “Karaoke Diplomacy” last night during a State Dinner at the White House when he grabbed the mic and sang Don McLean’s “American Pie”.

Then Joe took the mic and sang “Seoul Man” by Sam and Dave.

*****

Experts say having a “Personal Theme Song” can make doing “Hard” things in life easier… From doing unpleasant chores to taking tests to overcoming fears… listening to powerful, inspirational music can motivate you to do your best.

- Examples of “Motivating” songs include “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye & Tammy Terrell, “We are the Champions” by Queen” and my personal favorite, “My Ding a Ling” by Chuck Berry.

*****

According to a new study, monkeys are capable of complex thinking and making careful decisions.

- Even about their sexuality! Read all about it in the new book, “Bi-Curious George”.

*****

A French museum is hosting an “Art Exhibition” where the guests will have to strip naked to enter, followed by a drink and chat about the experience. A spokesman for the museum said the idea is, “to question the issue of the body in a given space, to see how bodies interact with other bodies”.

- 100 bucks says Hunter Biden’s artwork is somehow involved in this.

*****

Since he’s no longer a “Working Royal”, Prince Harry will be seated 10 ROWS BEHIND Prince William and the rest of the Royal Family for his father’s Coronation on May 6th.

- This is the equivalent of “Being seated at the kids table at Christmas Dinner”. Of course if that were the case, at least he’d get to sit with Prince Andrew!

*****

Disney is laying off several thousand workers across the company this week in its second wave of cuts.

- This go-round they're getting rid of Doc and Dopey, which had reportedly left even Happy feeling Grumpy.

*****

Australian golf fans went wild on the par 3 party hole, dubbed “The Watering Hole,” screaming and tossing beer cans after American golfer Chase Koepka hit a hole-in-one. (Koepka went on to finish tied for 24th at 10-under in the event)

- I’ll never forget the first time I got a hole in one… Incredible feeling! I was going to frame the ball, but I couldn’t get it back after it went into the Clown’s Mouth.

*****

RIP… Jerry Springer, one of the most influential and controversial figures in TV history and one time Mayor of Cincinnati , has died at 79 following a battle with Cancer.

- He will have a traditional “Jerry Springer Style” send-off… with funeral goers throwing chairs at each other.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Carol Burnett who turns 90 today! In honor of the occasion, NBC (not CBS - her old network) will host Carol Burnett: 90 Years of Laughter + Love, at 8pm tonight - a two hour musical comedy special with celebs including Julie Andrews and Cher.

- Actually it’s a dual celebration! Carol’s turning 90… and Cher’s having her 90th facelift!

*****

81 year old Bernie Sanders says he WON’T run for President in 2024 and is “Throwing his support behind Joe Biden”.

- He’d better be careful or he’s gonna throw his back out.

*****

A female fan is suing Country music singer Morgan Wallen for canceling a concert minutes before showtime when he lost his voice - despite tickets being refunded. The fan wants to be reimbursed for the cash she spent on food, transportation and “other incendentals” incurred in getting to the concert.

- I think Johnny Cash wrote a very prophetic country song about this woman years ago… “A Girl Named SUE”.

*****

Kamala Harris served up another helping of “Word Salad” yesterday…

"So I think it's very important, as you have heard from so many incredible leaders for us at every moment in time and certainly this one, to see the moment in time in which we exist and are present, and to be able to contextualize it, to understand where we exist in the history and in the moment as it relates not only to the past but the future”.

- Huh??

- Well put, Kamala. Well put…

*****

Chicago is on track to become the 8th State in the country to allow “Human Composting” - where, instead of being buried or cremated, the deceased is placed in a reusable vessel and turned into Climate friendly, nutrient-dense soil that can be used in the Garden!

- I can just see the family gathered in the backyard now… “Don’t be sad kids! Grandma may be gone… But you can still see her Green Thumb ALL OVER the Garden!!!!”

*****

Netflix announced that the animated comedy “Big Mouth” will have an eighth and final season.

- For those of you who might be confused by recent events… “Big Mouth” is NOT about any night time Cable TV News Anchors.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Well… it’s official. President Biden IS running for a second term in 2024… and Kamala Harris will be his running mate. He made the announcement despite 70% of AMERICANS saying they don’t want the 80 year old to run.

- But with Joe’s Senior Discount… that only comes out to about 65%, so it’s not as bad as it sounds.

*****

The media world was in meltdown mode yesterday as Fox News parted ways with ratings Powerhouse Tucker Carlson and CNN fired controversial anchor Don Lemon.

- Even critics think Tucker - who is 53 - will “land on his feet”… but aren’t so sure about Lemon. Don is 57… I’d say that’s “Past his Prime” as far as tv anchors go… Sound familiar, Don?????

- Media insiders say Tucker will likely end up with a highly successful podcast or going to another network… while Don Lemon has already been approached to join next season’s cast of “The Real Housewives of New York City”.

*****

The Belgian Government crushed 2,352 cans of Miller High Life beer last week… after taking exception to its slogan that it was “The Champagne of Beers”. The move came after the Champagne industry complained that the term should be used only on “bottles of sparkling wine made in Champagne, France”.

- Wow. In THIS country we don’t CRUSH cans of beer…. we hire men who dress up as women to sell it!

*****

After years of struggling to stay in business, Bed Bath & Beyond declared bankruptcy on Sunday. The retailer will close all of its remaining locations by June 30th and will only accept their famous “20% Off” coupons through TODAY… Tuesday, 4/25.

- Is it just me or do you think if maybe they just hadn’t spent all that money on paper and ink for the coupons… maybe they could have stayed in business??

*****

Alec Baldwin has officially returned to the set of the film “Rust”… just days after the involuntary manslaughter charges against him were dropped.

- Finally! Alec is back where he belongs… Shooting movies!!

*****

Police in Austin, Texas arrested 8 men and charged them with the illegal sale of nitrous oxide after they were found in an abandoned home with 13 tanks of laughing gas and hundreds of balloons.

- It was either a Clown Convention or a Dentist’s Retirement Party.

*****

RIP… Harry Belafonte who died this morning of congestive heart failure at the age of 96.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

BREAKING NEWS… TUCKER CARLSON AND FOX NEWS HAVE “PARTED WAYS” SENDING “SHOCK WAVES” THROUGH THE CABLE AND BROADCAST NEWS INDUSTRIES… DETAILS AS SOON AS AVAILABLE…

-Dick

Elon Musk’s Space X launched it’s Starship rocket- the largest Spacecraft in the World - this morning, but about three minutes into it’s inaugural flight, it experienced a major malfunction and the mission was aborted.

- Hey… It happens to everyone.

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It’s April 20th… or 4/20 - The day that has become an International Counterculture Holiday based on the Celebration and Consumption of Cannabis.

- Or for those of you who like to putter around the garden… The day to get your “Weeding” done.

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A supervisor at the IRS has come forward as a Whistleblower saying he has information that the Biden administration is mishandling the investigation into Hunter Biden’s Taxes. The unidentified IRS Agent says the President’s son is receiving “Preferential Treatment”.

- Republicans have vowed to get to the bottom of all Hunter’s scandals, “By Hooker, by Crook”.

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Police in Chicago arrested a 36 year old man this week who has robbed the SAME RETAIL STORE 11 TIMES since December.

- Talk about bad luck! He was just one theft short of winning the Mayor’s “Loyal Looter of the Year” Award when the cops caught him.

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Canadian Actress Rachel McAdams… who starred in “Mean Girls” and “The Notebook” is making waves for posing on the cover of a Woman’s Magazine in Lingerie and make-up with her underarm hair on full display. Rachel says, “Life is long… and shaving is intense”.

- Call me old fashioned… But when I think of a girl staying home on Saturday night to “Wash her hair”… I always picture her washing the hair on her HEAD.

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A group of 101 skydivers over the age of 60 gathered in California to create mid-air formations and break two world records.

- Not to mention… seventeen hips.

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Swedish furniture giant IKEA announced that they’ll invest $2 BILLION to build 8 new stores in the U.S. in the next 3 years.

- It’s ironic. They can build 8 new stores in 3 years… But buy one dresser… and it’ll take two DECADES to put together… and you still end up with five extra screws.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Fox News reached an out of court settlement with Dominion Voting Systems in their $1.6 BILLION defamation law suit over the 2020 Election. Fox will reportedly pay Dominion $787.5 MILLION.

- Although President Trump is demanding a recount of the actual amount to be paid.

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Elon Musk says that when it comes to Artificial Intelligence’s impact on our lives… “Things are getting weird… and they're getting weird fast”.

- That’s the same way Hunter Biden’s “Dates” describe their first night out with him. (It also reminds of the scene between Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina in the Austin Powers Movie!)

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Musk also said that despite all of his work with Space X… as of now, he hasn’t seen any evidence of Alien life anywhere in the Universe.

- Although he said he does wonder every time he sees a picture of Mark Zuckerberg.

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After hundreds of teens flooded downtown Chicago over the weekend, jumping on cars, fighting, looting and even leaving two people shot, the city’s Mayor-Elect called the activity "unacceptable," but said, "it’s not constructive to demonize youth who have otherwise been starved of opportunities in their own communities."

- How about Military School?? That’s an “opportunity” it appears they’ve been “starved” of.

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Florida Governor Ron DeSantis says that after the whole Dylan Mulvaney Trans-Woman Controversy, Bud Light is “too woke” and has lost him as a customer.

- Turns out, DeSantis doesn’t have a problem with a MAN identifying as a WOMAN… He just doesn’t like WATER identifying as BEER.

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An unidentified man was escorted off a Southwest Airlines flight yesterday after he began screaming and dropping the “F” bomb… about a baby that wouldn’t stop screaming. Flight attendants tried to calm him down saying, “Sir, you’re YELLING!”.

- He responded, “So is the Baby!”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s National Transfer Money to Your Daughter’s Account Day!!! And before my phone starts ringing… I’d like to remind my girls… In lieu of a gift, I got each one of you a nice Hallmark Card this year!

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According to a new survey, 7 in 10 Americans think they aren’t getting enough nutrients in their diet.

- The survey was paid for by “Balance of Nature”.

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Elon Musk told Tucker Carlson that people currently working on Artificial Intelligence are “teaching it to lie” and that A.I. could become so powerful that it could stop taking instruction from humans and take control by itself.

- Kind of like a robotic Joy Behar.

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In an effort to lure employees back to the office, Companies are offering "Mental Health" benefits including Unlimited Paid Time Off, Meditation Spaces, Music & Nature Areas and Craft Rooms.

- If I wanted a craft room at work I'd get a job at Hobby Lobby.

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Disney is doubling down on its support of the LGBTQ community by hosting its first ever 'Pride Nite' this June where Mickey and Minnie Mouse will be dressed in rainbow costumes.

- Pluto is so excited he's just plain Goofy.

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According to the Georgia Department of Natural Resources, there have been reports of “Drunk Birds” roaming around farms. Turns out, when birds eat berries with a high sugar content they can get inebriated.

- So far, Police have arrested one Grey Goose and three Wild Turkeys on suspicion of Public Intoxication.

- All of the Birds were denied bail... as they were considered a Flight Risk.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A special shoutout to 88 year old Frankie Valli today!! Is it his Birthday?? NO!! That’s May 3rd!!! But considering we’ve experienced ALL FOUR SEASONS in the last 24 Hours… I thought it was appropriate!!!

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Sunday night, The Phantom of the Opera, Andrew Lloyd Webber's mega hit musical, closed after 13,981 performances.

- Phantom was not only the longest running show in Broadway history, but also introduced New York to the concept of "Masks" when Covid was just a twinkle in Anthony Fauci’s Eye.

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In an effort to combat an influx of “rowdy” teen customers who have been trashing it’s restaurant, a Chick-fil-A location in Pennsylvania will only allow customers under 16, "If they're accompanied by an adult".

- Leave it to Chick-fil-A to come up with a creative way out of a Pickle. (NOTE: In the interest of Public Service, I’ve done extensive research on this… The Original Chick-fil-A Sandwiches (Fried) come with Dill Pickle Slices. The healthier “Grilled” version which I always get - doesn’t come with pickles, but is still delicious! I tested both several times over the weekend… ya know… just to be sure. You’re welcome.

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A man in Oregon allegedly emptied his family's shared bank accounts, then took the money and threw $200,000 in cash onto a local highway saying he wanted to “Bless others with the gifts of money”. His family is asking anyone who may have picked some of the cash up, to please return it.

- Yeah… let us know how that goes.

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Couples who feel comfortable "Peeing" in front of each other have a better chance of staying together than couples who don't according to Sociologist and Clinical Sexologist Sarah Melancon. She says it shows a level of "love, trust and unconditional acceptance" necessary for long term commitment.

- Or, you just forgot to shut the door.

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A female Spanish extreme athlete emerged from a cave in Grenada after spending 500 DAYS - 230 feet underground - Completely by herself.

- The first thing she did was check her lipstick and her cell phone messages.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

Dick