Brazilian Butt Lifts - the wildly popular cosmetic procedure where people have fat injected into their butt to make it bigger - is falling out of fashion… and Plastic Surgeons in NYC say women are now lining up to have the procedure REVERSED at a cost of $25,000.

- I’m usually a trendy guy, but I’m glad I sat this one out.

- The White House issued a statement reminding Americans that the Brazilian Butt Lift Reversal is NOT covered under the “Inflation Reduction Act”.

*****

Buckingham Palace finally confirmed that Prince Harry WILL ATTEND his father’s Coronation in London next month… but his wife Meghan Markle and their kids Archie and Lilibet will stay behind in California.

- Harry was going to bring Meghan, but it turns out the Airline was going to charge him extra for all that emotional baggage.

*****

Meanwhile a British psychologist says that Meghan’s decision not to attend the Cornonation shouldn’t be seen as a snub but as “admirable and inspiring… showing she has the self-worth to say no to bad in-laws”.

- How about going to the Coronation but drawing the line at buying your Girl Scout Cookies from Prince Andrew’s girlfriend???

*****

President Biden is said to be having “the time of his life” on his trip to Ireland, even saying to reporters this morning, “I don’t want to go home!”

- I’m good with that. Anyone else??

*****

When road crews failed to fix a giant pothole in the street outside his home in Brentwood, California - the State’s former Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger took matters into his own hands and filled it himself to the delight of neighbors and passing motorists.

- If the Terminator really wanted to help out, he’d move to Michigan where we need him! With our weather… the Potholes will always “Be Baaaack”.

*****

According to a new study, Intermittent Fasting can lead to problems conceiving children.

- Now they tell me…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Colorado Pediatrician and father of 7 says that 8 year old girls are the “Highest form of Humanity” - because they care about everyone and are sympathetic & empathetic. He says all adults should act like them and thinks, “Congress should be made up of 8 year old girls”.

- I’m not a girl, I’m a boy. But I wonder if my 2nd and 3rd Grade teachers Mrs. Tennent and Miss Emminger would agree with that? I’m not sure I was overly “Empathtic” when I was 8. Then again… maybe I was. We had more free time back then without having to spend hours figuring out whether we were Boys or Girls!

*****

The Democratic National Committee announced that after months of consideration, they’ve chosen Chicago to host the party’s 2024 Convention.

- Chicago won the DNC over with their slogan… “It’d be a CRIME to hold the Convention anywhere else!”

*****

A 19 year old Mississippi woman has been charged with Aggravated Animal Cruelty after Police were alerted to videos posted online that showed the woman doing the horizontal mambo… with a German Sheppard.

- Did anyone ever think maybe it was just a case of “Puppy Love” that got out of hand??

*****

“The View” is in reruns this week as Whoopi, Joy and the other Ladies take their annual “Spring Break”.

- So expect a lot of drinking, dancing & celebrating… From the audience.

*****

A flagship Whole Foods store in San Francisco - that just opened last year - is closing its doors because of rampant theft and fears for employee safety.

- So… “If You’re Going to San Francisco, Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair… Because the Whole Foods Floral Department is Closed like the Rest of the Store” (Btw… I never could stand that song)

*****

A worker was fired after being accused of urinating - twice - in a supply tank at a Water Treatment Plant in Louisiana.

- I love how they point out "Twice" like they would have been okay with it if he just hadn't gone back and done it again...

- The guy’s boss said he was sorry to let him go... as he was a real Whiz in the water treatment business.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A new study claims that the warmer, less-dense air caused by Climate Change is resulting in more Home Runs in Baseball.

- Seriously?? Well if “Climate Change” is causing such a big shift in Sports scores, HOW COME THE TIGERS ARE 2 AND 7 RIGHT NOW??

*****

The next total solar eclipse visible from the U.S. will occur on April 8th, 2024. That means some people in the U.S. will be totally in the dark.

- Which is, ya know, how some people in Washington, D.C. seem to like it.

*****

According to a new survey, most people would rather spend money on their pet than their partner.

- Paws and think about that for a minute.

*****

A four-day strike planned by tens of thousands of doctors in England could lead to the postponement of a quarter-million medical appointments.

- It’s even affecting the Royal Family, with Prince Andrew having to re-schedule his girlfriends trip to the orthodontist to have her braces tightened.

*****

The FAA is calling for inspections of all Boeing 787 jets amid recurring problems with leaky bathroom faucets.

- Let me get this straight… We’ve got planes almost landing on top of each other and narrowly missing each other on the runway and the FAA is worried about LEAKY FAUCETS??

*****

Relationship experts have found that being in a Poly-amorous relationship can bring the same physical and emotional benefits of monogamy.

- Well that's great for Polly & Amourous... but what about the rest of us??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yesterday, Pope Francis delivered an Easter message encouraging peace between warring parties like Russia and Ukraine.

- And Donald and Stormy. And Donald and De DeSantis… And Donald and Alvin… (that’s “Bragg”… not Simon & Theodore).

*****

Later this morning, thousands of children will join the President and 1st Lady on the White House Lawn for the Annual “Easter Egg Roll”.

- The tradition was begun in 1878 by President Rutherford B. Hayes and has remained the same - except for the Bill Clinton years - when Women were invited instead of Children and the event was known as the “Easter Egg Roll-in-the-Hay”.

*****

After 70 years in business, shares of Tupperware fell nearly 40% in early trading Monday following news that the company may be headed for bankruptcy.

- But the companies CEO said the drop in stock price is just a “Hiccup”… or in Tupperware’s case… as my Mother used to say… a “Burp”.

*****

“The Super Mario Bros. Movie,” Universal’s new film based on the classic video game, crushed the competition earning $204.6 million over the long Easter weekend.

- It did WAY better than their LAST movie… “The Super Creepy Cuomo Bros.” which didn’t even do well when they showed it on CNN.

*****

An analysis of new data found that the COVID-19 pandemic caused a significant drop in life expectancy for New Yorkers.

- On a bright note… it’s WAY more fun than getting pushed in front of the subway!

*****

A Virginia man bought 20 tickets for a single “Pick 4” lottery drawing - with the exact same numbers - … and won 20 times, for a total prize of $100,000.

- In a related story… A Florida man was charged 34 TIMES for spending $130,000 and it cost tax payers $200 MILLION!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Stormy Daniels sat down with Piers Morgan for he what he calls an “Astonishing” 90 minute interview that will air tonight.

- Piers says we'll see Stormy like we've never seen her before... So apparently... she'll be wearing clothes.

*****

Stormy says she wants to testify in Trump's trial... but she doesn't think that the things he's accused of in the hush money case "are worthy of incarceration".

- And hey... When it comes to when to using handcuffs... I think we should defer to Stormy's judgment.

*****

In an attempt to end a rash of “Unexplained noises” erupting on the set of “The View” that many have surmised may be Whoopi or one of the other hosts, “Breaking wind”… the ladies are now using Coasters and blaming the noises on the cups “Scraping on the table”.

- Why didn’t they just blame it on Trump like they do everything else??

*****

According to new research, plants - including tomatoes and other vegetables- make distinctive sounds when they're cut or dehydrated... which grows in intensity depending on the threat they're facing.

- So Kamala maybe laughing when she delivers her “Word Salads”… but the lettuce is SCREAMING.

- So the next time you order a Caesar Salad, don't be surprised if it asks you "Et tu, Brute?" Before you take your first bite.

*****

Brooke Shields, who has been very vocal about how her “Stage Mom” forced her to do a lot of inappropriate things with older men when she was a teenager, says she refused to sleep with J.F.K. Jr. because he "Kept saying she looked like his mother".

- You gotta hand it to her. From what I’m told… a lot of females would have slept with JFK Jr. even if he told them they looked like “Mother Goose”.

*****

Days after sparking controversy by snagging a sponsorship with Bud Light, Trans social media star Dylan Mulvaney appeared in a pair of leggings and a sports bra in a new post paid for by Nike Women. Experts say Dylan, a Biological Man-Who-Started-Identifiying-as-A-Woman one year ago is likely making $50,000 PER post from Nike.

- I think it's a great message for little girls everywhere! When you grow up you can be anything you want!! Even a man pretending to be a girl!!

*****

According to a new study, living in a cold climate can actually add years to your life.

- Yeah... That's Pure Michigan.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

So... My cable was out yesterday. Anything big happen on TV?

*****

At almost the same moment Donald Trump appeared in a Manhattan courtroom yesterday, a California judge ordered Stormy Daniels to pay almost $122,000 of Trump's legal fees in her failed defamation suit against him.

- And once again... Stormy gets “had”.

*****

Vladimir Putin is said to be so paranoid about being assassinated, that he's set up fake offices in multiple cities, and sends out decoy motorcades and airplanes all to confuse his enemies.

- But China's Xi Jinping ALWAYS knows where's Putin is because they follow each other on Commie.com.

****

Cher has slashed the price of her California mansion from $85 to a bargain $75 Million... The home features a tennis court, infinity pool, seven bedrooms, a meditation room, a panic room and even a climate controlled room for Chers wigs.

- For $75 MILLION... It better come with Sonny.

*****

A Florida man was arrested on Sunday after he pulled out an 18" machete at a bar after he was denied a turn to sing a Karaoke song.

- Machettes USUALLY come out DURING the Karaoke performances.

*****

According to a new survey, of people said they would take a "significant" pay cut for a year to be free of allergies.

- Depending how much you make, that's nothing to sneeze at.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Today’s Forecast: Cloudy, Cold with a 100% Chance of Arraignment.

*****

Researchers have determined that New York City rats can carry the COVID-19 virus.

- Unfortunately, the rats are so big, they can also carry your vehicle. So if the car jackers don't get it.. the Rats will.

*****

Speaking of the Golden Arches... McDonald's in Poland is offering its customers a new "Unique Breakfast Sandwich" - the "Cottage Cheese and Radish McMuffin".

- Mmmm mmm!!!

- And you thought Polish JOKES were the only thing to come out of Poland that were in questionable taste.

*****

A new study says that Tyrannosaurus Rex and other Dinosaurs actually had lips.

- Up until now, the only known Dinosaur with lips was Joy Behar. (Ba da boom!)

- History tells us that the female Dinosaurs even had "fillers" to make their lips look fuller!!!

- They went from "Jurassic Park" to "Jurassic Pout” with no need for expensive surgery!!

*****

French government minister Marlene Schiappa is being criticized for appearing on the cover of Playboy magazine - which they say is "beneath the dignity" of a government official.

- Let's not rush to judgement! I'm gonna hold off giving my opinion on her "dignity" until I have a chance to study her centerfold.

- Besides… Let’s be honest… There is NOTHING beneath the dignity of a Government Official. French, or otherwise.

*****

RIP… John “Ankles” Stewart, my radio engineer for many years at CKLW, 95.5 and WOMC who died suddenly yesterday of a Heart Attack. Condolences to his wife Dana and his family.

*****

Have a good day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Wayne Newton who’s 81 today!!!

Wayne says he’ll celebrate by updating one of his biggest hits to fit his “Senior Lifestyle”… so listen for “Grandpa… Why are you walking so slow??” due out later this week!!!

*****

Former President Trump is on his way to NYC in preparation for his scheduled arrest tomorrow at 2:15 pm in the Stormy Daniels Hush Money Case… meanwhile Hunter Biden will be in the Big Apple where his latest painting will be on sale at an art show for $$$.

- Hunters paintings sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars and TRUMP’s the one getting arrested???

*****

According to Senior US Officials… The Chinese Spy Balloon that flew across the US in February DID gather intelligence from several American Military Sites before it was shot down earlier this year.

- Boy… I never saw that one coming!!!

*****

Despite a wildly successfully early career on the Andy Griffith Show and Happy Days, Ron Howard says he once considered directing Porn movies to earn money to fund his directing debut.

- Thank God he decided against it. It would have KILLED Aunt Bee…

*****

A new report over the weekend claimed that NO AMOUNT of alcohol is actually beneficial to living a longer life, researchers in Canada came out today saying that enjoying a Daily beer will NOT increase your risk of a premature death.

- So that’s good news, eh, hosers??

*****

The White House announced that President Biden does not plan on attending the Coronation of King Charles in May, although his wife Jill will go in his place.

- But they say Joe will mark the “Historic occasion” by lunching at Burger King… and then spending some quality time on the Throne.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Some Hollywood producers are calling for the Academy Awards to add an Oscar category for stunt work.

- What about guys who do their own stunts like Will Smith?? Doesn’t he deserve an Award??

*****

97-year-old Dick Van Dyke is said to be resting at home after his recent car accident - where he accidentally drove his car into a fence.

- Doctors say he didn’t break anything, but due to a minor sprain has to stay off his “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” until further notice.

*****

Mark Hamill - who played Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars movies - has leant his voice to an Air Raid Siren App in Ukraine… warning people of impending bomb strikes, giving them the all clear and telling them, “May the Force be with You”.

- At this point I’m starting to believe that Darth Vader may actually BE Vladimir Putin’s Father.

*****

Tech experts say "Dumb Phones" (Flip Phones!) are making a big comeback in the U.S... but not with who you might think. Turns out more and more young people say they're “Overwhelmed” by all the tech on their Smartphones and want to go back to the simplicity of a “Phone that you just talk on and nothing else”.

- Wow… A phone that you actually TALK on? Instead of texting, googling, mapping, taking selfies… and all the other things I don’t know how to do anyway.

- And to all those who laughed when I held onto my beloved Flip Phone until I finally lost it in a lake a few years ago… Who’s the “SMART” Phone Guy Now???

*****

French Culinary experts are blaming a worldwide “Wind-Breaking Epidemic” on Under-Cooked Baguettes and they blame the U.S. for it.

- Wait… A month ago, they said Gas STOVES were the problem. Now it’s the GAS from the food you cook IN the STOVES???

*****

The sequel to the 1972 horror classic “The Exorcist” will be released in theaters in October.

- Of course if you can’t wait that long to be scared out of our mind, you can always just turn on the news.

*****

A young Zebra has been returned to a Zoo in Seoul, South Korea after escaping and running loose on city streets for hours.

- Officials said it’s the first time they’ve had a Zebra on the Lam since Prom Night at the Zoo.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The Toronto Blue Jays new ballpark will reportedly serve Poutine Hot Dogs... which they describe as "A hot dog topped with hash brown potatoes, cheese curds and gravy”.

'Oh Why, Canada?"

*****

A former Google engineer says that thanks to age-reversing "nanobot" genetic robots, Humans will be able to "heal our own bodies from all diseases" and "Achieve immortality" in 8 years.

- So we’ve finally found a way to Live FOREVER… if our Gas Stoves don’t get us first.

*****

Elon Musk and 1,000 other technology leaders including Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak are calling for a pause on the 'dangerous race' to develop AI (artificial Intelligence). They fear it poses a “profound risk to society and humanity” and could have “catastrophic” effects as it stops listening to humans.

- On a bright note… You can save 15% or more in just 15 minutes by switching your Car Insurance to Geiko!

*****

Kim Kardashian has reportedly filed for patents under the name of her 9 YEAR OLD daughter North West for a slew of beauty products including moisturizers, skin serums, and facial oils… leaving many to think the little girl may be about to launch her own Skin Care Line.

- Get ready for “Exfoliate Me Elmo”.

*****

According to new research… Probiotics, which millions of Americans take to improve their gut health… may actually have the OPPOSITE effect on some people and may make gut issues worse.

- So now we’re not supposed to be “Pro-Biotic”… we’re supposed to be “Anti-Biotic”. Do we need a prescription for that??

*****

A Houston-based company created a Crawfish flavored ice-cream that has people lined up around the block.

- For the Restroom.

- I had some great Cookies ‘n Cod Ice Cream once but got turned off when I found a bone in the cone.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

When a photo of the Pope wearing a trendy, oversized “Puffer” coat hit social media over the weekend… people went a little NUTS. But its turns out, the pic was COMPLETELY FAKE. It was the latest Computer-Generated image designed by a new Artificial Intelligence Program… that lets people take real images and manipulate them into anything they want.

- So we really need NEW Artificial Intelligence?? Don’t we have enough of that running our Government right now??

*****

According to a new poll, the importance of traditional American values has plummeted across the U.S., as just 38% of respondents said Patriotism is “Very Important” to them. Compare that to the same poll in 1998 when 70% of Americans said Patriotism was “Very Important” to them.

- If this is what being “Woke” has gotten us… I think it’s time to go back to sleep!

*****

Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will be in New Hampshire today as he weighs whether or not he’ll take on former Prez Trump for the Republican nomination.

- Well if it just comes down to a “Weight” thing… I think Christie wins HANDS DOWN.

*****

Disney will begin firing SEVEN THOUSAND of its workers this week after stock prices plunged 31% in a year following series of “Woke” controversies.

- Things are so bad… They’re even getting rid of Four of the Seven Dwarves. Yeah… they’re gonna be a little Short-Staffed at the Mine this week.

*****

Whoopi Goldberg has slammed a local TV station’s decision to fire a White Mississippi news anchor for quoting a famous Snoop Dogg lyric during a news broadcast, saying: 'Fo shizzlee, my nizzle” (Okay, friend). Apparently, some say the expression is a “racist slur”… but Whoopi said the woman should get a pass adding, “Just because we’re on television doesn’t mean we know everything”.

- Something Whoopi proves each and everyday.

*****

Fans of Robert Downey Jr. are chomping at the bit to get their hands on a unique piece of Hollywood history. A fan of the actor picked up a piece of chewing gum that Downey Jr. spit out on the sidewalk on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and is selling it for $55,000.

- A fan of Dolly Parton’s did this once and managed to get over a million dollars. Of course, in Dolly’s case the gum was “Double Bubble”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

With a possible indictment of former President Trump still looming, daily searches for Stormy Daniels videos have shot up by 21,655%.

- There have been so many searches for her videos… some people actually found some of Trump and Biden’s Secret Classified Documents.

*****

This morning, 73 year old Elizabeth Warren announced that she will seek a third term as Senator from Massachusetts.

- Liz says she’s proud of everything she’s accomplished… but winning a third term would really be a feather in her cap.

*****

A new Bill introduced in the Michigan House would recommend that the Michigan Department of Education develop a Cursive Handwriting Instruction Plan for public schools in Michigan.

- FOR THOSE OF YOU UNDER 40: Cursive is that funny looking writing that your girlfriend or boyfriend used to use to describe how they felt about you that you would save for years and read over and over before somebody came along and invented the “❤️” button.

*****

Swedish researchers have found that smelling other people's body odor could reduce social anxiety.

- Which explains why everyone always seems so relaxed and chatty while waiting in line for the “Wild Mouse” at Cedar Point.

*****

United Airlines will begin offering a “Flying Taxi” Service from Downtown Chicago to the City’s O’Hare Airport starting in 2025. For $100, passengers can “fly” to the airport in just 10 minutes avoiding traffic.

- And more importantly… Bullets!

*****

Singer/Comedian Nick Cannon - who has 12 kids by 6 different women - called his ex-wife Mariah Carey a “Gift from God.”

- At this point Nick calls ALL his women “A Gift from God” because it keeps him from calling them the wrong name.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Yesterday, as he wrapped up 3 days of meetings in Moscow, Chinese leader Xi Jinping told Vladimir Putin, “Change is coming that hasn’t happened in 100 years… and we are driving it together”.

- Putin responded, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship…”

- Then Vlad went back into the Palace and waited for Xi to find the “SPRING BREAK MOSCOW 2023” Sweatshirt he slipped into Xi’s carry on.

- And Xi set an alarm on his phone so he’d remember to text Vlad and let him know when he got back to Beijing safely.

*****

VP Kamala Harris took another trip to the “WORD Salad Bar” during a White House event celebrating Women’s History Month yesterday when she said, "So, during Women’s History Month, we celebrate and we honor the women who made history throughout history”.

- I for one agree with her. I mean… if history has taught us anything, it’s that historically speaking there really is no better time to make history than throughout history.

*****

Domino's Pizza's franchise in Italy has entered into liquidation, after it failed to catch on with Italians.

- Apparently in Italy, “When the Moon hit’s your eye like a DOMINO’s Pizza Pie… That’s NOT Amore”.

- Perhaps this is why you won’t find any Taco Bells in Mexico. (It’s True! I googled it!)

*****

Almost two hundreds years after his death, researchers are analyzing the DNA in snippets of hair from Ludwig von Beethoven to determine what caused his death at age 56 in 1827. The composer was known to suffer from hearing loss, GI issues and severe liver disease.

- Apparently Beethoven was a big drinker. At the time of his death he was loaded up on at least a Fifth.

*****

Two inmates who escaped from a Newport News, Virginia, jail by digging out of their cell with a sharpened toothbrush, then scaling a wall were found hours later having breakfast at IHOP.

- They were arrested and fingerprinted using the Powdered Sugar from the pancakes in their “Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity” Breakfast Combos.

*****

Ben Affleck has confirmed that his next film project will star his wife, Jennifer Lopez.

- She’s not the first Celeb wife to star in a film project. Didn’t Kardashian star in a Movie?? I think it was a remake of “Rear Window”…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back her Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to William Shatner - TV’s Captain Kirk - who turns 92 today.

He say’s he’ll celebrate by going where “No Man Has Gone Before Men Started Identifying As Women” … The Gynecologist.

*****

97-year-old Dick Van Dyke is recovering at home after losing control of his Lexus and crashing it into a gate in Malibu this morning.

- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… “Oh, Rob!”.

- Van Dyke told cops on the scene he was “Driving along “Humming a Pretty Ditty and then, Bang! Bang!”

*****

The average price for a Big Mac in the US - which cost $1.30 in 1980 - is now $5.15.

- Which beg the question… What exactly are they putting in that “Special Sauce”???

*****

According to a new survey, more than 25% of Americans have already spent the tax return money they're expecting to get back.

- And they spent it… on a Big Mac.

*****

More torrential rain is headed for Southern California.

- Makes sense. I mean it NEVER rains it California. But man, don’t they warn ya. It pours. Man… it pours!

*****

A new report says that the virus that causes Covid-19 may be linked to Raccoon Dogs that were sold at the wet market in Wuhan, China.

- I don’t think I have to worry… I only eat Plant-Based Raccoon Dogs.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

According the Wall Street Journal, even if former Prez Trump is indicted and arrested this week… he most likely won’t be placed in handcuffs.

- Unlike how Stormy Daniels likes to spend her free time.

*****

- Whoopi Goldberg debuted a new look on "The View" Monday... when she appeared without glasses for the first time in 28 years. She announced she'd had surgery for Presbyopia which makes it hard to see up close - but her eyes are now "fixed".

- And after taking one look at Joy Behar, she asked if there's anyway she can have the surgery "Undone".

*****

The latest Beauty trend is the “Everything Shower” where people - mostly ladies - spend UP TO ONE HOUR in the shower using special shampoos, conditioners, scalp treatments, exfoliators, serums, oils and lotions.

- If I spend an hour in hour in the shower all I end up with is a lot of wrinkles. And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that what we’re all trying to avoid???

- And whose Hot water tank lasts for an HOUR??? I don’t care how much “Conditioner” you use… Shrinkage is Shrinkage!!

*****

Ozzy Osbourne - who infamously once bit the head off a bat on stage - said he’s now a big fan of bats and birds and animals - and - at age 74 - “Doesn’t want to hurt anything anymore”.

- Put another way… Turns out, the Batman loves Robins!

*****

After a week of drunken brawls and shootings, the mayor of Miami Beach, Florida wants to “Cancel” Spring Break in his city. He says even an unprecentdented police force couldn’t prevent the violence saying, “We don’t want Spring Break in our City”.

- He recommends that College kids looking for a good time head somewhere more suitable to their vibe… like say Mexico.

*****

According to new research, elite European soccer players are more likely than the average person to develop dementia.

- Like the Soccer players themselves, the Doctors really used their heads to figure that one out.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Chinese leader Xi Jinping is in Moscow for three days of meetings with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

- The meeting is being billed as "Coffee, Commeraderie & Communism!" What could go wrong?!?!

*****

Putin started the meeting by referring to Xi as his “dear friend”.

- Well… yeah! A lot of people don’t know this, but in addition to sharing strategies for taking over the World, Vlad and Xi call each other every day to compare their “Wordle” scores.

*****

Elon Musk Tweeted that if NY District Attorney Alvin Bragg goes through with his plans to arrest former President Trump tomorrow in relation to an alleged hush money payment to Stormy Daniels - it will assure a Trump Presidential victory in 2024.

- Trump is already handing out “Make Perp Walks Great Again” Baseball Caps.

*****

91-year-old William Shatner says he can't resist using the F-word.

- At his age… the “F” word is “FIBER!”

*****

What used to be New York City’s busiest McDonald’s is now being converted into a shelter for migrants.

- And in keeping with NY's "Woke" policies, Mayor McCheese also defunded Officer Big Mac and let the Hamburglar out of Jail with no bail.

*****

After only a week, a shiny new subway train in New York City is already covered by graffiti and has been taken over by vagrants, druggies and scofflaws.

- "Varants, Druggies and Scofflaws"... wasn't that a song by Cher???

- Oh wait... that was "Gypies, Tramps and Thieves".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

According to new Registration Stats, for the first time in 31 years, the Labrador Retriever has been unseated as the most popular dog breed in America… The new Top Dog in the U.S.? The French Bull Dog.

- But no worries… If history has taught us anything, the French Bull Dog will surrender the title, and Labs will be back in the Drivers Seat by next week.

*****

Whoopi Goldberg issues public apology for using the racially charged (??) word “Gypped” while slamming Trump about Stormy Daniels on “The View” yesterday. She said she should have used the word “Cheated” instead of “Gypped” which is considered a slur against Romanian Gypsies.

- And I’m sure that comes as a great relief to the MILLIONS of Romanian Gypsies who watch “The View”.

*****

Speaking of Whoopi… After her fellow co-hosts and audience members heard an unusual noise coming from Whoopi’s chair while she was chatting during the show, Whoopi looked into the camera and said, “That was Gas”.

- Well they don’t call her “Whoopi” for nothin’.

*****

PETA - the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - has asked Jill Biden to consider replacing the real chicken eggs used at the annual Easter Egg Roll with “reusable plastic or wooden eggs” so as not to prop up the “cruel egg industry”.

- This is NOT gonna go Over Easy with Egg lovers.

*****

According to a new study, Great Apes like Gorillas get themselves “High” by spinning around until they're dizzy. Researchers say they’re hoping this could provide new insight into why humans seek out mild-altering drugs like like booze and cocaine.

- I knew a Gorilla with a drinking problem. Took him forever to get that monkey off his back. (Ba-da-boom!)

*****

A new survey reveals that 1 in 4 adults plans to wager on the NCAA tournament during “March Madness” to the tune of $15.5 BILLION.

- But not worries… If you hedge your bets and lose, they’re a good chance you’ll get a government Bail Out!

*****

Students in a Health Class at an Oregon High School were asked to write a short “Fantasy Sex Story” for class credit. The story couldn’t include anything that might subject them to a Sexually Transmitted Disease but had to incorporate three things like massage oil, feathers, or sex toys.

- When I was in high school, thought it was risqué when I got to make an ashtray out of plywood in Shop.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s March 15th… The Ides of March… The Day Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of Roman Senators in 44 B.C. Of course, Caesar was famously stabbed in the back by his friend Brutus as they ordered lunch at the Collisseum Olive Garden. “What can I get you”, the waitress said. “I think I’ll have salad” said Julius. “Et tu, Brute?” said Caesar. And then Brutus killed him.

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New reports say a Japanese movie studio is releasing a film called “Ninja vs. Shark.”

- It’s a big budget blockbuster about two opposing Vacuum cleaners.

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Dove soap has joined “Fat Activists” in slamming the Oscar-winning film 'The Whale' for using a “Fat suit' on it’s star Brendan Fraser - who won the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of an Obese man… Saying that Overweight Roles should be played by Overweight Actors.

- I’m sorry… but isn’t “Pretending” the whole point of “Acting”??

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And to makes it even crazier… some of the so-called “Fat Activists” Dove Soap was trying to stand up for are now accusing Dove of only voicing their support in order to sell more Soap.

- In a related story, following her successful transition from Man to Woman, Bruce-now-Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly in talks to become spokesperson for “Irish Spring”… cuz… you know, “It’s Manly, Yes… But She Likes it, Too!!”

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A close friend of Prince Andrew says “Randy Andy” is considering writing a Memoir to make some extra cash since his big brother King Charles stripped him of most of his Royal Titles.

- Like most things Andrew does, the book will be geared towards teenage girls.

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The Texas Department of Public Safety warned Americans to skip spring break vacations in Mexico.

- If you want to enjoy cheap tacos and get someone to buy your drinks… Stay home, order Taco Bell and raid your Parents Liquor cabinet.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s Albert Einstein Day! The Day we Celebrate the Genius who gave us the Theory of Relativity… The day I like to follow with “Kardashian Day”… when I try to figure out just who makes up this group of Relatives.

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Morgan Freeman debuted a newly bald head at Sunday nights Oscars causing a flood of opinions on his new “look”.

- What’s the big deal? It certainly wasn’t the only round object to come bobbing down the aisle with nothin’ covering it.

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A woman who lost her office job during the Pandemic… says she had to get creative to pay the bills and now makes $55 an hour - as a Naked House Cleaner… Sweeping, Vacuuming, Dusting in the Buff - while her clients watch. She says her clients are usually naked as well.

- Well that’s an interesting way to make ends meet. Literally and figuratively.

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Disney is celebrating its 100th anniversary with special merchandise.

- It’s actually the same merchandise they usually sell… but in honor of the big anniversary, they’ve marked the price of each item up to a celebratory $100!

- And to adjust for some of the Disney characters being older as well, they’ve made some changes. For example, "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" is now known as "Mr. Toad's Wild Colonoscopy" and Sleeping Beauty is now wearing a CPAP machine due to Sleep Apnea.

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A Chicago man has filed a class-action lawsuit against Buffalo Wild Wings, claiming the restaurant chain falsely advertises its boneless wings as the “real deal”, when in reality, they're just pieces of chicken BREAST”.

- So he’s upset about the faux “Boneless Wings” but he’s cool with where they the get “McNuggets”??? No questions asked??

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RIP…….. Dick Fosbury, legendary Olympic gold high jumper who revolutionized the track and field event with his signature technique the “Fosbury Flop”, died Sunday of lymphoma at 76.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Donald Duck Day”! The day we celebrate by Not Wearing Pants! And if you watched the Oscars last night… it appears that some of the ladies decided to celebrate a day ahead of time…

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Jamie Lee Curtis won Best Supporting Actress for her role in the Best Picture Winner “Everything Everywhere All At Once”. She covered all her bases including thanking her parents Tony Curtis & Janet Leigh.

- In fact she covered a lot more than she did in “Trading Places” if you remember THAT movie.

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Priscilla Presley has reportedly been locked out of Elvis's Graceland mansion by her granddaughter Riley Keough who changed the locks on the doors after Priscilla contested her daughter Lisa Marie's $35 MILLION Will.

- Needless to say, Priscilla is All Shook Up and told Riley… “Don’t Be Cruel”.

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Incredible new video showed more than 1000 MIGRANTS trying to rush a border crossing from Mexico into the US yesterday.

- That story again… The border is secure.

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Guinness World Records held an event for pro skateboarders in London that led to five records being broken.

- Along with three legs, two arms and a collar bone.

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Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly is NOT RETURNING Senator Elizabeth Warren's phone calls due to an interview Liz gave earlier this year where she avoided answering whether she thought Harris should remain President Biden’s running mate in 2024.

- Liz has reportedly left several messages and even sent several Smoke Signals… but no response.

- If those two gals can’t bury the hatchet… How are the rest of us supposed to get along??

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick