Happy Birthday to Donny Osmond who turns 63 today.

- Now he’s a Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock ‘n Roll and a Little Bit Hard of Hearing.

*****

New research found that the average American has to remember more than 100 passwords for their computer and phone.

- Lucky for me, I’ve always been below average.

*****

KFC has teamed up with Lifetime to produce a TV mini-movie called “A Recipe For Seduction” featuring a sexy Colonel Sanders involved in a love triangle.

- In today’s “Woke” world, the movie will probably be rated R because it shows Chicken Breasts.

*****

The White House announced that President Trump is going to attend this weekend’s Army-Navy football game at West Point.

- No matter what the score, Trump’s expected to demand a recount… so we won’t know who won for weeks.

*****

A survey found that the most popular workout songs of all time are “We Will Rock You,” “Eye Of The Tiger,” and “Welcome To The Jungle.”

- I used to listen to the “Hokey Pokey” while I was on the treadmill but I kept falling off.

*****

A 90-year-old grandmother became the first person to get the COVID-19 vaccine in Britain on Tuesday.

- Grandma said the shot “hurt a bit” but wasn’t nearly as painful as “Getting run over by a Reindeer:

*****

RIP… Chuck Yeager, who died at the age of 97 on Monday. Yeager broke the sound barrier for the first time, shot down eleven Nazi planes in World War II, and was immortalized in the movie “The Right Stuff.”

Yesterday marked the 40th Anniversary of the death of John Lennon… who was killed at the age of 40 by Mark David Chapman. John has now been gone for as long as he was alive… Hard to “Imagine”.

And my apologies for not mentioning the 79th Anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor on Monday’s blog. More than 1000 men remain ensconced in the USS Arizona to this day.

****

Have a great Wednesday and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

IKEA has scrapped its print catalogue, marking the end of its historic 70 year run.

- Maybe now they can focus on printing something else…. LIKE INSTRUCTIONS.

*****

MasterCard and Visa are investigating their relationship with PornHub after the adult site was accused of showing graphic videos that broke the law.

- Luckily PornHub has a special deal with Capitol One with a new theme line… “What’s In Your Pocket?”

*****

Ivanka Trump and her husband Jared Kushner have bought a $30 million plot of land on a high security Miami island known as “Billionaire’s Bunker.”

- $30 MILLION is a lot… but doesn’t every couple need a Starter Mansion??

*****

The internet went crazy after Miley Cyrus posed topless in the latest issue of Rolling Stone.

- This is the first time Miley has done something like this. Since last Wednesday.

*****

Skateboard, Surfing and Break-Dancing have been confirmed as Official Olympic Sports for the Paris games in 2024.

-

*****

*****

After a brief chase, deputies apprehended a man accused of not wearing pants at the Next Door Food Store in Tallmadge Township here in Michigan.

- Police were originally called because the Cashier mistakenly thought he was he had THIRTEEN items in the “12 Items or Less” check out lane.

*****

A mall Santa upset a little boy who said he wanted a toy Nerf Gun for Christmas by telling him Santa doesn’t deliver guns of any kind.

- Santa has gotten all PC ever since Dancer and Vixen accused him of texting them “Naughty” pictures of himself.

*****

Lori Loughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade says she hasn’t spoke to either of her parents since they went to prison for the College Admissions Scandal.

- In her defense, she’s been pretty busy to pretending to train for the Rowing Team.

*****

Vladimir Putin 'has secretly moved to his summer home to avoid catching Covid and had an exact replica of his office built so Russians still believe he is in Moscow.

*****

Rapper “Boogie wit da Hoodie” was arrested in New Jersey on Weapons charges.

- If sent to jail, he’ll be known as

Anti-Kremlin outlet Proekt media has reported that Russian President Vladimir Putin moved into his summer residence at Sochi but built a replica office to convince Russia's he's still Moscow.

A 9-pound goldfish was found in a South Carolina lake, county park officials announced Monday.

A maskless Florida man was arrested for “Coughing and Spitting” on the Geek Squad at Best Buy.

- I thought “Coughing and Spitting” was a new morning radio show.

*****

New York City’s surge in Coronavirus cases has been linked to a “Burning Man” Festival in Mexico.

- Making COVID the 116th Virus to be spread at the “Burning Man” Festival so far this year.

- So Prez Trump was wrong when he called it the “China Virus”… It’s the Mexican Virus.

*****

Investment giant Goldman Sachs is planning to move its $8 billion dollar asset management arm from New York to Florida.

- They’re going from “The City That Never Sleeps” or “The City That Never Sleeps Because It’s Up All Night With a Bad Hip”.

Israel’s former Space Security Chief says there ARE Aliens and that mankind has made contact with them, but they’re refraining from announcing it officially because “Humanity is not ready”.

- I don’t know about Humanity, but I’M not ready.

- The closest I’ve come to seeing an Alien is

- Note: I said FORMER Space Security Chief.

- If it’s true, it’s a Small Step for Mankind… But a Giant Leap for Little Green Men.

President Trump held a two-hour rally in Georgia on Saturday Night in which he slammed Democrats for Voter Fraud.

- He even mentioned Michigan in his speech when he read a Christmas story called “The Gretch that Stole the Election”.

*****

President-Elect Biden joked that if he and Kamala Harris disagree on moral issues, he’ll, “Develop some disease” and say he “has to resign."

- If there’s a “Joke” in there somewhere… I must have missed it.

*****

The most popular names for Cats and Dogs in 2020 reflect what we’ve been through… with “Covi” “Rona” and “Corona” all making the Top 10.

- Except in Portland, Oregon where the top Dog names are are “Defund the Police” and “Mostly Peaceful Protestors”.

*****

The New York Times is reporting that fortune telling has become one of the fastest growing businesses during the Pandemic with a 70% increase in people getting their palms read over the Internet.

- That sounds about as effective as getting your Prostate checked on Zoom.

*****

A Chicago doctor has told NBC News that COVID-19 could cause Erectile Dysfunction.

- So THAT’s the problem.

- Which reminds me… I’ve got to pull out my favorite Christmas Album… William Hung’s “Hung for the Holidays”.

*****

Bob Dylan has sold the copyrights to his entire music catalog for an estimated $300 MILLION.

- Bob had no comment… or maybe he did, but nobody could understand him.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

According to research by Haagen Das, American’s favorite Ice Cream during the Pandemic has been… Vanilla.

- Hmmm. When I think “2020” I think “Rocky Road”.

*****

4 in 5 Americans say they need to be cheered up and want some Joy in their life.

- The other 1 in 5 want some Whoopi.

*****

Dolly Parton joked that, after 54 years of marriage, she’s sick of her husband Carl Dean.

- Carl says he’s thought about leaving Dolly over the years, but he always thinks of a couple of big reasons to stay.

*****

Former President Bill Clinton says he’ll volunteer to get a Covid-19 vaccine on camera to promote public confidence in the vaccine's safety.

- This is a departure for Bill who usually gets his shots AFTER he gets a virus.

*****

Restaurants in Singapore will be the first in the world to serve Chicken Nuggets made out of Faux-Chicken grown in a Lab.

- Yum!

*****

British Airways is investigating claims that one of its Flight Attendants worked as a prostitute who offered “adult entertainment” to passengers during flights.

- Boy… the airlines charge you extra for EVERYTHING these days.

*****

Christmas Tree Farmers say because more people are staying home for the holidays… demand for REAL Christmas trees has gone through the roof.

- I’d be up for a REAL tree… but it’s really hard to find one that comes Pre-Lit.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Last night, CBS aired the Holiday Classic “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.

- But to make it more “Woke”, in this year’s special, instead of the usual 8 Reindeer behind Rudolph, there were only 3 because of Gov. Whitmer’s limits on Holiday Gatherings.

*****

Researchers from eight European countries concluded that a Mediterranean Diet promotes healthy aging in adults.

- This came as BIG NEWS… in 1962.

*****

Intelligence officials believe Kim Jong-un received an “Untested, Experimental” Coronavirus vaccine from the Chinese government.

- Looks more like he got an “Untested, Experimental” Haircut.

*****

Chinese scientists claim they have built an aircraft that travels 16 times faster than the speed of sound that can reach anywhere in the world within two hours.

- Which is great if you have a sudden hankering for REALLY AUTHENTIC Sweet & Sour Chicken.

*****

We have an Update on the story we brought you yesterday about the Kazakhstani Bodybuilder who married a sex doll after an eighteen month romance.

- They’ve been married less than a week and she’s already giving him the Silent Treatment.

*****

The Tony The Tiger Sun Bowl has been canceled for the first time since 1935.

- Well. Thats. Just. Grrrrrreat!

*****

Have a Grrrrrreat day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

CNN ran an “EXCLUSIVE” story yesterday claiming that China lied about the extent of the Virus and didn’t do enough to stop it last year.

- Call me crazy but isn’t that exactly what the President’s been saying since last March??

*****

Joe Biden is now in a walking boot after he broke several bones in his foot while playing with his German Shepherd, “Major”.

- Apparently this means Kamala Harris is now “One Frisebee Throw Away From the Presidency”.

*****

Researchers at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario found that toxic chemicals are weakening bones in the River Otter’s penis.

- They have BONES in their PENISES???

- Right now every man reading this is saying, “How can I get me one of them bones?!”

*****

New York City dropped out of the Top 10 Most Expensive Zip Codes in the U.S. for the first time ever.

- Start spreading the news.

*****

In a new Climate Documentary, Prince Harry said that we should all think of ourselves as “Raindrops” and do what we can to relieve the “Parched ground”.

- I’m thinking there have been a few too many Raindrops Fallin’ on Harry’s head lately.

*****

Psychologist say that with Bars closed and no sporting events to attend during the Pandemic, Men’s friendships have become more like Women’s.

- I don’t know if this counts… but Big Al stopped by the other day to ask me if his Jeans made his butt look big.

*****

I hope you saw the tribute to the late Robin Seymour on WTVS last night. Robin was on WKMH, later Keener 13, and the host of “Swingin’ Time” on Channel 9 during the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s. He was also a terrific guy!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Cyber Monday! The day set aside to get everything you forgot to buy on “Black Friday”… and “Small Business Saturday… and the day before “Tapped Out Tuesday”.

*****

Over the weekend, a Kazakhstani bodybuilder married his sex doll “Margo” after a whirlwind romance.

- She’s not the first bride to walk down the aisle with fake boobs.

- If you want to get ‘em a gift, they’re registered at “Bed, Bath & Batteries”.

*****

Health officials now say if you traveled for Thanksgiving and spent the holiday with family, you should “Assume that you have the Virus”.

- Merry Christmas!

*****

President-Elect Biden slipped while playing with his pet German Sheppard “Major” over the weekend and suffered hairline fractures in his foot. Meanwhile, Joe and Jill announced they’ll be getting a Cat while they’re in the White House.

- For some reason this reminded me of when Bill Clinton was running for a second term and Hillary announced that they were thinking about ADOPTING A BABY. (Sure… Uh huh) Maybe I have that wrong… Maybe they were talking about adopting a “Babe”.

*****

Critics pointed out that Prez. Trump was the first President in a generation who didn’t have ANY Pets in the White House.

- He didn’t need any Pets since the Dems had him in the Dog House for the last 4 years.

*****

Biden made history by announcing his “Communication Team” that is made up of 100% women.

- But they were unable to come to the announcement ceremony because he couldn’t get ‘em off the phone.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy Day after Turkey Day… Not to mention the entire Weekend!!!

Gobble! Gobble!

-Dick

From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours…

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Dick

President Trump pardoned two turkeys at the White House yesterday… a tradition started by President George H.W. Bush.

- So Apparently it WASN’T OFFICIAL when Gerald Ford pardoned President Nixon.

*****

Joe Biden hinted that he WILL NOT offer Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren a position in his Cabinet so they can continue serving in the Senate.

- Democrat insiders say Bernie is mad… and Elizabeth is “On the Warpath”. (Sorry about that… It never gets old. At least to me. I just can’t seem to stop).

*****

Election observers in Wisconsin were given wristbands featuring the “Smiling Poop Emojis” to wear while watching the ballot recounts on Tuesday. Officials say it was to show proof they passed a COVID test.

- Sounds more like they passed a Colonoscopy.

*****

A new study found that people over 45 are at a greater risk of catching Sexually Transmitted Infections - because Society doesn’t talk about people having sex later in life.

- So if you’re looking for a topic to bring up with your Grandparents during your Zoom Thanksgiving……..

*****

The Mayor of Los Angeles has ordered Police to knock on people's doors to make sure they're adhering to Official Pandemic Crowd Restrictions.

- The program is called “You’d-Better-Not-Have-Too-Many-People… Home for the Holidays”.

*****

Meanwhile… Oregon Gov. Kate Brown is being slammed for telling people to TURN-IN neighbors who violate COVID rules this Thanksgiving - weeks after the State decriminalized ALL drugs.

- Apparently the lesson here is… Feel free to stuff your Turkey with Cocaine… but if you invite your Aunt and Uncle over for dinner - you’ll be arrested.

*****

There are reports that President Trump may get another Reality Show once he leaves office.

- Correction… that’s IF he leaves office.

- Meanwhile, after last weeks press conference, Rudy Giuliani has been signed-on to be the new Spokesperson for “Miss Clairol”.

*****

A new study found that 60% of Americans fear they won't see their loved ones this holiday season.

- And the other 40% are fearful they WILL.

*****

No matter how you spend your Holiday in this most unusual of years, I wish you Health and Happiness on Thanksgiving and during the whole Joyous Season. Personally, I have so much to be Thankful for… including all of you!

Have a great Holiday Weekend!

-Dick

The Oxford Dictionary staff said they were unable to settle on just one “Word of the Year” for 2020.

- I’ve got plenty of suggestions… but I can’t print ‘em here because ALL of ‘em are 4-Letters Words. .

*****

NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo - who sent more than 6000 people with COVID to Nursing Homes - was given the “International Founders Emmy” on Monday for his “Masterful use of TV” during the Pandemic.

- This is like giving me the “Lifetime Achievement Oscar” for my 11 second voice-over in Beverly Hills Cop III.

*****

A new study finds that drinking coffee from Paper Cups may be bad for your health because of Plastic Particles that melt into the drink.

- So now there’s PLASTIC in PAPER?? This explains why my Grandkids are always trying to get me to play “Rock, PLASTIC, Scissors”.

*****

A new study by the Scottish Association of Marine Science found that Blue Whales have returned to the coast of Georgia after nearly going extinct.

- So this is what they meant by a “Blue Wave” before the election.

*****

The world's last known White Male Giraffe has been given a GPS tracking device in Kenya.

- Apparently he caught his wife necking with another Giraffe and wants to track her car.

*****

A synagogue in NY has been slapped with a $15,000 fine after hosting a secret 7000 person wedding that’s being called a “Super Spreader”.

- Question… How do you make a 7000 person wedding SECRET??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! (Unless we have another Technical Glitch like we did Yesterday).

-Dick

A new study found that regularly eating Eggs can increase your chances of diabetes.

- Do Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs count?

*****

A study by the University of California found that face masks do NOT impede your breathing during workouts, although you may think they do.

- So next time you work out with a mask and you get that suffocation feeling causing you to panic and think you can’t breath… just remember, it’s all in your head.

*****

A man and woman down South were arrested for having sex in plain view of passing motorists on a main road.

- To explain her actions to the Cops, the woman told them “We were just having a little fun on our way to our vacation in Florida”. The man told the Cops, “No…no…no. We’re not going to Florida. All I told her was, I was gonna Tampa with ya”.

*****

Police in London say $7 million dollars in Apple Products were stolen in a highway robbery.

- Speaking of Highway Robbery… Apple’s new iPhone can set you back up to a thousand bucks.

*****

Due to a lack of business caused by the Pandemic, a popular Nudist Bed & Breakfast in New Orleans has shut down.

- They also closed the attached Nudist Diner known for it’s “Hot Dog and Bottomless Fries”.

*****

A study found that people who regularly get a good night's sleep lower their risk of heart failure by 42%.

- And if their hearts DO fail they won’t know it because they’re asleep.

*****

Elon Musk became the world’s third-richest person this week, leapfrogging over Mark Zuckerberg and bringing in $170,000 PER SECOND.

- For those of you who aren’t good at math, that works out to $340,000 EVERY TWO SECONDS. “Your welcome”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Joe Biden told his advisors he wants to avoid investigations into Donald Trump's business dealings because it could divide the country.

- And we wouldn’t want something like that happening.

- I’m thinking maybe Joe doesn’t want somebody ELSE’s business dealings investigated.

*****

President Trump has changed his hair color from Orange to Gray.

- Rumor has it, when he leaves the White House he’ll star in a new TV Series… “Gray is the New Orange”.

*****

The CDC is encouraging people who host Thanksgiving parties to refrain from singing or shouting because it spreads Coronavirus more easily.

- Well there goes my annual rendition of “Apples, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie” by Jay and the Techniques.

*****

They’re also encouraging people to keep their pets away from visitors who don’t live in the house.

- It has nothing to do with COVID… they just don’t want their legs humped.

*****

The team of four NASA Astronauts flying on the Space X capsule are now fully docked at the International Space Station.

- But since they flew, the CDC is asking them to Quarantine - basically sitting around doing nothing on Uranus for 14 days.

*****

With no challenger in sight, Speaker Nancy Pelosi should breeze through her reelection bid in today’s House leadership vote and move closer to what is expected to be her final two-year term as Speaker of the House.

- Nancy wants to get her hair done for the occasion. I sure hope she can get an appointment!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

CNN didn’t cover the Anti-MAGA riot in D.C. over the weekend, but they DO HAVE an article on their website this morning entitled: “Anderson (Cooper) on How He Pronounces Difficult Words On-Air”.

- Thus their slogan… “CNN. The Most Trusted Name in How to Pronounce Stuff”.

*****

First Snow of the Season… and First Snow EVER for our Winnie. As you can see… She’s not too crazy about getting her paws in the white stuff! Like Father… Like Furry Daughter!

*****

Researchers at the University of Grenada claim that taking your dog for a walk may raise your risk of catching COVID by 78%.

- But NOT taking your dog for a walk increases your chance of needing to have your carpets cleaned by 100%.

*****

New York City's first electric taxi, a Model 3 Tesla, hit the streets this weekend.

- It’s got that great “New Taxi Smell” which, by the way is WAY better than that “Old Taxi Smell”.

*****

In a new book written before her death last Spring, “InternGate” whistleblower Linda Tripp said Bill Clinton held what were known as “10 Minute Meetings” with Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office.

- Bill spent the OTHER 9 minutes asking Monica’s opinion on US Policy with Kazakhstan.

*****

A new Viral Video shows a Kookaburra Bird swooping in and stealing an Australian man’s sausage - as he held it in his hand at a campground.

- In case you were wondering… it wasn’t a NUDIST campground.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Prez Trump waved to the crowd from his Limo at the “Million MAGA March” rally in Washington this weekend, and then when golfing.

- After his first shot, he asked for a Do-Over... For the Election… Not his shot.

*****

Meanwhile, Joe Biden stayed home but DID go out for a bike ride.

- If you have any idea where he ended up, please call his wife Jill.

*****

A new survey found that over 300,000 residents have moved out of New York City in the past eight months because of rising crime rates.

- On a bright note… it’s launched a new business… “Three Hundred Thousand Men and a Truck”.

*****

A group of Psychologists are studying the mental effects of being in a relationship with Sex Robots.

- Early results indicate its great at the beginning but… “But then the sex gets kind of Mechanical”.

*****

Meantime, the four day Swinger’s Convention known as “Naughty In Nawlins” is under way despite rising cases of Coronavirus.

- To be honest, people who go to a “Swinger’s Convention” don’t strike me as the type to worry about picking up a Virus.

*****

Dolly Parton says she thinks it was “God’s plan” that she not have kids… so she could focus on Charity for All Children instead.

Well that… and the fact that if she Breast fed, her kids could have drowned.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A rather hefty Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted taking a walk a beach in Malibu.

- Looks like he hit the Midnight Buffet on the Titanic before it went down.

- He said he’s going on a “Salad Diet” to lose weight saying, “Ice Berg Lettuce… Dead Ahead!” (Ba Da Doom)

*****

Due to the Pandemic, the CDC is suggesting that Americans have Thanksgiving outside.

- Hey if eating outside was good enough for the Pilgrims and Elizabeth Warren, it’s good enough for us!

*****

McDonald’s will introduce a new Vegan burger next year named the “McPlant”.

- In other “Woke” news… the Hamburglar is demanding that Mayor McCheese “Defund Officer Big Mac”.

*****

In a related story, McDonald’s say’s “Meat-Free Chicken” could be next.

- Thus the age old question, “Why Did the Meat-Free Chicken Cross the Road?”

*****

Steven Speilberg’s 24 year old daughter Mikaela who has made headlines as a soft porn actress says her Dad continues to be supportive of her “work”.

- She’s even doing a new film dedicated to her Dad… “Saving Ryan’s Privates”.

*****

Alec Baldwin says he’ll be appearing less on “Saturday Night Live” now that President Trump is leaving the White House.

- And half the Country said there wouldn’t be anything good to come out of a Biden win.

- Alec says it will allow him to spend more time pursing “pet projects” like beating up people over parking spaces.

*****

Phil Collins estranged wife claims the singer “Didn’t shower or brush his teeth for months at a time”.

- Well at lease now we know what was “In the Air Tonight”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Today is Veteran’s Day… I believe the quote above says it beautifully. To all of our Veterans...we not only Salute You, but Thank You, for your Service and the Sacrifices You and Your Families made for our Great Country. At a time of deep disagreement, I think we can all agree on that.

*****

Mike Tyson said he used a prosthetic penis called “The Whizzinator” to pass drug tests during his boxing career.

- “The Whizzinator” sounds like the Doctor you call when you have bladder control issues.

*****

Meanwhile yesterday, Richard Branson's “Virgin Hyperloop,” which transports passengers at a hypersonic 600mph had it’s first human test.

- I thought the“Virgin Hyperloop” was the name of a new Birth Control device.

*****

Portland, Oregon City Commissioner Jo Ann Hardesty, who for months has been pushing to “Defund the Police”, CALLED 911 yesterday after a Lyft driver canceled her ride and asked her to get out of his car.

- NOTE TO MISS HARDESTY: Police are like Toilet Paper. You never know how much you need ‘em until you run out.

*****

Scientists at the University of Santa Maria have examined the first complete brain of a dinosaur.

- “The exam didn’t hurt a bit” said Larry King.

*****

The UK-based Collins Dictionary has announced it’s “Word of the Year” for 2020 and the winner is… LOCKDOWN.

- In a related story, this year’s “Zoom Meeting of the Year” award goes to CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin.

*****

Have a great day, Thank a Veteran and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s National Sesame Street Day! Sesame Street premiered on PBS on this day in 1969.

- And the tradition of watching two angry old white guys argue on TV continues to this day.

*****

President Elect Joe Biden confirmed the members of his Coronavirus task force Monday which is made up mostly of doctors.

- Among them: Dr. Ruth, Dr. Seuss, and Dr. Zhivago.

*****

With Pzifer’s announcement that they have a COVID Vacine, stock in Video-Meeting giant “ZOOM” fell dramatically because theoretically people will be able to go back to in-person meetings.

- So if you still want to see people talking in boxes like on ZOOM, you’ll have to watch reruns of Hollywood Squares on the BUZZR Channel. (One of my favorite Channels).

*****

On Monday’s episode of “The View”, Whoopi Goldberg angrily told Trump supporters to “Suck it up Like WE sucked it up”.

- So… Apparently the Impeachment Hearings of Prez-Elect Biden are about to begin!!!

*****

A new compilation of hundreds of studies further confirmed that people who regularly eat spicy foods including Chili Peppers and Hot Sauce have a lower risk of dying early.

- With heartburn to beat the band, they’ll just WISH they were dead.

*****

George Stephanopolous is said to be actively trying to get the Jeopardy! job after the death of Alex Trebek.

- I’m not feeling too good about George’s chances… He’s only 5’ 5” and I believe the Rule is: “You Must Be at Least as Tall as the Podium” to be the host.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Chances are President-Elect Biden won’t be as active as Prez Trump was on Twitter.

- No matter which candidate you voted for, you gotta admit that’s GOOD NEWS.

*****

A French bulldog named Wilbur has been elected Mayor in the town of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky.

- Rabbit Hash sounds like a town where Elmer Fudd could have been born and had his famous feud with that “Wascawwy Wabbitt” Bugs Bunny. (Two of my favorites).

*****

Governor Whitmer says she has “no interest” in a Cabinet position in the Prez-Elect Biden’s Administration.

- Sounds like somebody’s been sitting by the phone NOT getting a call.

*****

Republican Insiders say President Trump has no plans to concede the election any time soon.

- Seriously, what’s the rush? I mean Hillary hasn’t really conceded and it’s been FOUR YEARS.

*****

A new study found that pasta eaters have a better diet quality because they eat less saturated fat and sugar so they tend to be in better shape than people who don’t eat as much pasta.

- Does that include Fettuccini Alfredo?? Wait… Wasn’t he a character in the Godfather?? (At least the the “Fredo” part?).

*****

#4 Notre Dame beat #1 Clemson in double-overtime Saturday Night.

- The refs haven’t added up all the points yet, but CNN declared Notre Dame the winner.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

And the 2020 Presidential Election drags on…

- Trump is busy filing lawsuits and Biden is taking a nap.

*****

As of this writing, ballots in 4 states are still being counted… In more important news…The adult film website “PornHub” required users to prove they voted before they could view the X-Rated website.

- You don’t wanna know where they had users put their “I Voted” stickers.

- It’s nice to see Porn watchers standing up for their favorite candidate.

*****

Oregon voted to Decriminalize possession of small amounts of drugs including Heroin, Cocaine and LSD.

- Awesome. Something ELSE the “peaceful protestors” in Portland won’t be arrested for.

*****

A study at Loyola University Chicago found that among people aged 25 to 40, exercise may lead to WEIGHT GAIN, not WEIGHT LOSS.

- This is exactly why I gave up exercising when I turned 40 last year.

*****

Due to a sharp rise in COVID cases, IKEA base Sweden has limited cafes and restaurants to 8 people per table. 

- To add insult to injury, those 8 people have to BUILD the table before they’re allowed to sit down. 

*****

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez slammed Democrats for not putting in enough of an effort to win over Latino voters after Joe Biden underperformed with Hispanics in states like Florida.

- And you know the old saying, “If AOC ain’t Happy… Ain’t NOBODY Happy”. 

*****

A Kentucky couple got a free year’s supply of Mayonnaise as a wedding gift from Hellman’s because of their names: Marissa Helms and David Mayo.

- Hellman’s also gave them some advice for their Honeymoon… “Use a Condiment”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s the Day After and we don’t have a winner yet. But we do have a few questions…

- WILL Kanye West run again in 2024?

- What is the “Hanging Chad Guy” from the 2000 Election doing now?

- What did Bruce Jenner do with his/her “Spare Parts"?

- Why don’t you hear about Raccoons getting COVID… Because they always wear a mask?

- Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

- Why did “The English Patient”, “Shakespeare in Love” and the song “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” all win Oscars???

- Why did we do this list?

Why not?

Have a great day, hope your candidate wins and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

-

- Why DID the Chicken Cross the Road.

- Why will I have for dinner tonight???

Oh yeah, and that Presidential thing.

Stay tuned… Because I Said So.

Why? Why Not?

Why are you contenting to read this list!

*****

HE CONCEDED!!!

Yes… After receiving just 57,000 votes Nationwide, Kanye West has admitted defeat in the Presidential Election. Who did you think I was talking about??? We still don’t know about the other 2 candidates.