Only one day to go to the Election. I think we can all agree that no matter who takes the Presidency, we’ll ALL be winners because the Political Ads, Robocalls and Text Messages will STOP! Unfortunately, since it may take days (weeks?) to count the votes… we’ll be “Les Miserables” for a while longer.

*****

A Florida man was arrested for calling 9-1-1 and telling them that he saw “Little Green Aliens” on the ground.

- Turns out they were Frogs.

*****

Lady Gaga is taking heat for dressing up as a camouflage wearing, beer-swilling “Redneck” Trump supporter, to try and get votes for Biden.

- Camouflage is okay, but I think she looks better in her meat dresses… especially the “Strip” Steak.

*****

Looking for a Christmas gift for the heavy sleeper in your life? Check out “Sonic Bomb”, which not only blasts a 113 decibel alarm but also shakes your bed and flashes lights.

- That reminds me of something that happened back in my High School days… I had a friend named Bob Bemisderfer who had trouble getting out of bed in the morning for school. His mother would come in the room, and try to get him up. If it took more than two or three times, she’d yell “GET UP… OR YOUR ASS IS GRASS AND I’M THE LAWN MOWER“ (True!)

*****

According to a new survey by Panera, the average family argues 156 times a year over where to have dinner and that it takes an average of 17 minutes for them to decide.

- It never took that long in our house because it only took us 10 seconds to tell our six kids that we were eating in “The Kitchen”.

*****

An oceanfront Palm Beach estate once owned by John Lennon and his wife Yoko has sold for $36 MILLION - a bargain considering it was listed at $47 MILLION.

- The buyers got it for a Song… Hopefully not one by Yoko!!

*****

RIP… Sean Connery who died from dementia on Saturday at the age of 90. He leaves behind his wife of 45 years and one son. But maybe he’ll return someday, because in his film James Bond reminded us, “You Only Live TWICE”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday… Election Day! So if you haven’t already… VOTE!

-Dick

During a video call fundraiser, Joe Biden told Oprah that his son Hunter is “The smartest man I know”.

- Joe needs to get out of the basement and meet some new people.

*****

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey testified before Congress about their decisions to restrict pro-Trump stories on social media yesterday.

- With that beard he looks like one of those Confederate Statues “protestors” were tearing down.

*****

A man broke into a restaurant in the UK and was found the next day passed out next to bottles of booze and a half eaten cheesecake.

- Who among us hasn’t tried to relive our college days?

*****

Kim Kardashian continues to be slammed on Twitter for taking her family to a private island to celebrate her 40th Birthday during the Pandemic.

- Kim went skinny dipping on the trip… confusing astronomers who weren’t expecting the next “Supermoon” until March of 2021.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner will star in a new Sitcom.

- Working titles include: “How I Became Your Mother”, “THAT Girl”, and “Slightly Less Than Two & a Half Men”.

*****

Donald Trump’s campaign website was briefly ‘seized’ by hackers Tuesday who claimed to have evidence that ‘completely discredits’ him as President.

- Looks like Hillary finally found her 33,000 missing emails.

*****

The new movie about Bob Dylan’s life and career has been put on hold because of COVID.

- How many projects have been shut down because of the Virus? The answer my friend is blowing in the wind - so make sure you wear a mask.

*****

Daylight Savings Time comes to an end this Sunday at 2am… meaning we turn our clocks back one hour.

- Usually I look forward to it because we get an extra hour of sleep… but this year, it means we have to wait ANOTHER WHOLE HOUR for the Election to be over.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump says he’ll make sure the Coronavirus vaccine is FREE for Medicare and Medicaid recipients.

- That’s great! Now all we need is the Vaccine…

*****

During a TV interview last night (pic above) Hunter Biden’s former business partner, Tony Bobulinski, said he met with Hunter, Joe Biden, and Joe’s brother Jim, at THEIR request to discuss business dealings with a Chinese Company which he says would have netted the BIDEN FAMILY MILLIONS and made Joe beholden to China if he wins.

- So far no comment from Joe, the American Media, or Chinese Checkers.

*****

Meanwhile, Google Trends revealed that thousands of people who voted by mail are asking to change their VOTE in the wake of the Bobulinski revelations last night.

- Also, Hillary Clinton asked Google to change the OUTCOME of the LAST Election.

*****

Fox News has been hit with a mild Coronavirus outbreak that has several top executives quarantining.

- They haven’t had this many execs quarantining sine the “Sexual Harassment” outbreak of 2018.

*****

Rapper “Lil Pump” continues to make headlines for his over the top endorsement of Donald Trump for President on Instagram.

- Lil Pump has also come out in support of Jeffrey Toobin.

*****

Prince Harry said he didn’t understand Bias until he’d walked a week in his wife Meghan Markle’s shoes.

- And those shoes are $3,195 Christian Louboutin heels.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Happy Belated Birthday to Hillary Clinton who turned 73 yesterday!

- In keeping with tradition, Bill gave her a handmade card that read, “You may be 73! But remember… “You’re Only As Old As The Women I Feel”.

*****

There’s a new “Updated Comfort Food” recipe trending on Social Media… Mac and Cheese… with RAISINS.

- And for those who want “Comfort Food PLUS Gentle Overnight Relief”… there’s Mac and Cheese with Prunes.

*****

Dallas Cowboys defensive coordinator Mike Nolan had to pause a news conference on Monday because he had Tobassco sauce on his fingers and accidentally rubbed his eyes - causing them to burn and tear up.

- If only Jeffrey Toobin had hot sauce on HIS hands - things might have turned out differently.

*****

When it was her turn to vote on the Coney-Barrett Supreme Court nomination last night, Hawaii’s Democrat female Senator Mazie Hirono gave the “Two Thumbs Down” signal and said “Hell NO!!!!”

- She’s got quite a temperament. I’m surprised she wasn’t running the Japanese Armed Forces during World War II.

*****

Joe Biden confused Donald Trump with George W. Bush during an interview in which he said the country can’t take four more years of George.

- GEORGE?? Well that’s Curious.

*****

A wildlife expert posed as an elderly woman in order to trap an aggressive Turkey that’s been attacking people on the streets of Oakland.

- The “Elderly Woman” hit the turkey over the head with her purse and told him to “Stuff It”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

According to NBC news, if Biden wins, Elizabeth Warren may become the Secretary of the Treasury.

- If you remember, Warren LOST the nomination to Biden… But I guess Liz feels, “If you can’t beat em, Wampum”.

*****

Matel is introducing a brand new Barbie “Inspired By and Dressed Like” Elton John. The Rocketman himself picked out Barbie’s clothes, shoes and sunglasses.

- And if you push a button on her back, she sings “JENNIE & the Jets”.

*****

A survey by “Best Life Magazine” found that New Jersey is the most hated state in the country.

- I have good memories of New Jersey… When I was in the Army I was stationed at Ft. Monmouth, NJ and lived one block from the Ocean in a town called Long Branch - which was just a short drive from Red Bank.. In fact I used to Bank at the Long Branch Branch of the Red Bank Bank. (Ba Da Boom!)

*****

A group of Australian Veterinary Students have posed Naked for a charity calendar that will benefit the country’s Farmers.

- It’s a nice change of pace from the “Sexy Sheep” calendar that came out last year.

*****

Kelly Ripa bragged about her husband’s MAN PARTS after an Instagram photo showed a large bulge in his pants.

- See guys… Some day when the need arises, apparently there ARE advantages to wearing Depends.

*****

A top plastic surgeon claims that more and more MEN are getting Botox for forehead wrinkles since they’re working from home and want to look good if and when they finally go back to the office.

- That according to Dr. Rip Van WRINKLES of Sleepy Hollow, NY.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

President Trump and Joe Biden will square off in the final debate tonight… with a “Mute” button to keep them from talking during each others allotted time.

- Plus they’ll have a guy come out every couple of minutes to measure the length of their noses.

*****

This morning, Hunter Biden’s business partner said that Joe DID KNOW of his son’s business dealings with Ukraine and China.

- No comment from Joe… Must be “Ancient Chinese Secret”.

*****

Former President Obama is campaigning for Joe Biden.

- He told the crowd, “If you aren’t Happy with your Current President… You Don’t Have to Keep Your Current President”.

*****

The 2016 deposition of Jeffery Epstein's former girlfriend and alleged accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell has now been unsealed and is said to contain 400 pages of detail on her sex life.

- Jeffrey Toobin says he can’t wait to get his hands on it.

- If CNN fires him, Toobin can always get a job on “60 Seconds”.

*****

Dr. Anthony Fauci responded to President Trump’s criticisms of him by quoting “The Godfather,” saying the attacks were, “Nothing personal, strictly business.”

- Maybe… but if I was Fauci, I’d be careful if Trump asks him to go on a ride in a rowboat.

*****

A study from Scientists at the University of Amsterdam discovered a “mystery set” of Salivary Glands inside the human head that have been completely undetected for centuries.

- Finally! An explanation for the puddle of drool that ends up on your pillow in the morning.

*****

Tokyo has opened a Pornography Theme Park where real life porn stars serve the Park Guests.

- You don’t wanna know what they measure to make sure you’re “tall enough” to ride the roller coaster.

*****

69 year old Phil Collins is trying to take back control of his $33 MILLION Miami mansion after his 46 year old ex- wife moved in with her new husband, hired bodyguards and changed all the locks.

- Somebody’s about to get Sued Sued Sued-io.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s National “Love Your Body Day”…

- Looks like Jeffrey Toobin got the dates mixed up and celebrated a couple of days early.

*****

Because of COVID, a band called “Flaming Lips” is now doing concerts in a bubble.

This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George tries to cheat his way through a game of Trivial Pursuit against the Bubble Boy. The question was, “Who invaded Spain in the 8th Century?” The Bubble Boy correctly answers “The Moors”, George says “No, you’re wrong. The card says ‘The Moops’” The Bubble Boy says “That’s not ‘Moops,’ you jerk… It’s “Moors”... It’s a MISPRINT”. George says, “I’m sorry, YOU LOSE, the card says ‘Moops’”.

*****

Because of the Pandemic, Amazon says it will let corporate employees work from home through June 2021.

- But they can go back to the office in two days if they have PRIME.

*****

ISIS is calling for more attacks on America in the newest issue of its magazine.

- FYI… The Isis magazine is just like the “Readers Digest”… except for the “Suicide Bombing is the Best Medicine” section.

*****

TV producers say that because of COVID, new shows are being filmed with fewer fist fights and less sex.

- Luckily, we can always watch reruns of Jerry Springer & Maury Povich.

*****

The Supreme Court is allowing a three-day extension for Pennsylvania's mail-in ballots that will allow them to arrive after Election Day.

- So we’re not really having an “Election Day” this year… it’s more of an “Election MONTH”.

- So if you’re reading this in Pennsylvania… Don’t Forget to Vote on November 3rd-ish.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Commission on Presidential Debates will “Mute” Trump’s & Biden’s mics during the 2-minute response times during Thursday’s debate.

- Biden said he’s okay with it and the Prez said he’ll just talk louder.

*****

Biden says he’s taking 4 days off from campaigning… a move his campaign director said is because he’s so far ahead in the polls they don’t want risk any mistakes like talking about his son Hunter’s Ukraine-China email $$$ scandal.

- That… and Joe made an appointment to get cable hooked up in his basement and Comcast said they’ll be there sometime between 8 and 5 on Thursday.

*****

CNN’s star legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin has been suspended because he was caught “pleasuring himself” during a ZOOM call with colleagues!!!

- And all this time I thought the whole “No pants on a Zoom call” thing was just a rumor.

CNN isn’t reporting any details, saying that Toobin has asked for some time off to deal with a “Personal Issue”.

- Well it doesn’t get much more “Personal” than that.

*****

Even O.J. Simpson commented on the Toobin story saying “At least Pee-wee Herman was in an X-rated movie THEATER”.

- How pathetic is it when even OJ SIMPSON calls you an idiot??

*****

A 2000 year old 40-Yard long figure of a relaxing cat has been found carved into a hillside in Peru.

- Archeologists are going to study it… but FIRST they’re going to change the 80-Yard long Litter Box carved into the the other side of the hill.

*****

NASA is launching a 4G phone network on the moon that will allow astronauts to make calls and text from space.

- Finally! Someone can text “I Love You to the Moon and Back” and actually PROVE it.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Despite apologizing for “censorship” last week, Twitter is refusing to unlock the NY Post’s account unless they take down their story about Hunter Biden’s emails.

- So they’re Sorry… but not THAT sorry.

*****

I watched “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” last night on CBS. What a fabulously funny movie! And the best news is… come November 4th, we’ll ALL get a “Day Off” from campaign ads, speeches and Robocalls.

*****

Researchers at Cambridge University say that swimming in cold water may shrink people’s chances of getting dementia.

- That’s not the ONLY thing it’s gonna shrink.

*****

A survey by the Election Report found that twenty-seven million people have already voted in the election.

- It’s actually 14 Million but 13 Million of them voted TWICE.

*****

Due to a surge in COVID cases, Sweden is considering Lockdowns for the first time since the Pandemic started.

- It reminds me of the old Proverb… “Give a man a Swedish Fish… he’ll eat for a day. Teach him how to make Swedish fish and he’ll eat ‘em all and end up with Diabetes”.

*****

Numbers from the LAPD show that 76 people were arrested for throwing rocks and bricks at Police during last week’s NBA Championship celebration for the Lakers.

- Nothing says “We Are The Champions” like throwing rocks at the Cops.

- People in Portland threw HUNDREDS of rocks at Police over the weekend… and the Trailblazers didn’t even make the finals.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

President Trump will do a Town Hall Meeting on NBC Tonight while Joe Biden is doing a separate one on ABC.

- I haven’t been this torn about what to watch since “Judge Judy” was on opposite “The Maury Povich Show”.

*****

Hormel Foods announced the launch of "Breathable Bacon”… A Bacon scented Face Mask.

- And I always said they’d NEVER come up with a Bacon scented mask. Now I’ve got Egg on my face.

*****

A Travelocity survey found that most Americans WON’T visit their relatives on Thanksgiving this year.

- Experts say it’s because of three things: The Pandemic, the Election Results and the fact that their Relatives are really Annoying.

*****

“The Bachelorette” Clare Crawley says she’s confident she’ll find a husband THIS time, despite the fact that she didn’t find love on “The Bachelor,” or “Bachelor in Paradise,” or “Bachelor in Paradise” again, or “The Bachelor Winter Games.”

- I must confess I haven’t seen any of the shows so I don’t know what she looks like. But I hear she’s got “a great personality”.

*****

New York’s hottest sex club is throwing an exclusive “Black Death” themed Halloween party.

- So people in New York can go to a “Sex Club”, but here in Michigan you have to wear a mask to go BOWLING???

*****

Right before she and Harry “Quit” the Royal Family to pursue “Privacy”, Meghan Markle reportedly told her advisors she wanted to be “The Most Famous Person in the World”. 

- And here I thought she was trying to be “The Most Annoying Person in the World”. 

*****

Researchers say that men with deeper voices are more likely to cheat on their partners.

- You mean Barry White was LYING when he said “You’re My First, My Last… My Everything”??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A new study found that 25% of Generation Z (ages 5 to 24) has stopped drinking Alcohol and smoke Marijuana instead.

- It’s not that they wanted to give up booze… it’s just that they’re parents drank everything in the liquor cabinet during “Lockdown”.

*****

Disney is shifting its focus to streaming content after lockdowns closed theme parks and most movie theaters.

- So now if you want to see Goofy, you’ll have to do a Zoom call with your crazy Uncle Ozmer.

*****

A study in the Lancet Medical Journal found that a Las Vegas man has become the first American to catch the Coronavirus TWICE.

- But they say the rest of the country doesn’t need to worry because “What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas”.

*****

CNN reporter Jim Acosta was drowned out on air by a crowd of Trump supporters chanting “C-N-N sucks!”

- Finally… some unbiased reporting on CNN.

*****

John Lennon’s son Sean slammed the toppling of the Abraham Lincoln statue in Portland by sarcastically tweeting that the Pyramids should be “taken down immediately because the Pharaohs were not very woke” and saying Italians should be “held accountable” for Caesar.

- Yoko Ono says she’s “so proud” of Sean but, thankfully, stopped short of singing his praises.

*****

Day 2 of the SC Hearings for Amy Coney Barrett went on for over 11 hours with 22 Senators asking questions for 30 minutes each.

- Barrett has 7 kids so she’s used to being asked questions… “Why is the sky blue?? Why does Swiss Cheese have holes in it?? Why does Daddy blame everything on the dog??”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s National No Bra Day!

Or as Dolly Parton and Selma Hyack call it when they get together… “Four on the Floor Day”.

*****

A Dutch Tradition called “Koe Nnuffelen” - or “Cow Hugging” - is gaining popularity around the world as a way for people to reduce stress and anxiety during the Pandemic.

- Although I doubt it’s doing much for the COW’S anxiety.

- In the US, it’s really caught on in Jersey. (Bada Bing!)

*****

While preparing for the new movie about her life, Madonna has announced that during her career, she never drank or did drugs.

- So she’s like this NORMALLY??

*****

The Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Amy Coney Barrett got underway in Washington yesterday and she is being criticized by some on the left for wearing a brightly colored dress that was “Inappropriate”.

- Let me get this straight… Some of the Senators questioning her would be FINE with it if one of the MALE justices wore a dress… but SHE can’t, because she’s a WOMAN??? Talk about a gender bender.

*****

The CDC is warning that COVID-19 can survive on your phone screen for twenty-eight days.

- It’s not bad enough my computer can get a virus… Now my phone can get one too??

*****

RIP… “Name That Tune” host Tom Kennedy has died at the age of 93.

And iconic James Bond actress Margaret Nolan who died at the age of 76. Nolan played the gold painted woman in the title sequence of the movie “Goldfinger.”

*****

Sorry for failing to mention Canadian Thanksgiving yesterday! To all of our Friends to the North (or if you live in Detroit - to the SOUTH!)…

Gobble, Gobble, eh?!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

President Trump announced this morning that he will NOT participate in any VIRTUAL debates - which is what the Debate Commission is calling for.

- Zoom Debates?? Who wants to see two 70-something guys argue with no pants on??

- Bill Clinton said, “Why didn’t they have Zoom when I was running?”

*****

The big news on Social Media this morning is the fly that landed on VP Pence’s head last night - and stayed for 2 min. and 9 sec.

- I don’t mean to make a Mountain out of a Mole Hill… but did you notice the fly WAS NOT wearing a MASK??

*****

During last night’s debate, VP Pence and Kamala Harris were seated 12 ft apart and were separated by plexiglass.

- It reminded me of watching the old “Dating Game” show, except the moderator didn’t ask if they’d “do it” on the first date.

*****

Roger Montoya, a Democratic Congressional Candidate in New Mexico, has admitted to starring in two pornographic films in the 80’s.

- Apparently it took this long for anybody to recognize his FACE.

*****

A T-Rex fossil sold for $31 million dollars at Christie’s Auction House in New York.

- That breaks the record for the most money spent on a fossil since Cher’s last sold out concert in Vegas.

*****

A quick, one question survey by OnePoll found that 68% of people have ended a relationship because their partner was bad in bed.

- Apparently the survey wasn’t the only thing that took less than a minute to complete.

*****

30% of Americans say they plan to take their relative’s temperatures before letting them inside their homes for Holiday Gatherings this year.

- So now this Thanksgiving they’ll be at least TWO turkeys stuck with a thermometer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump was released from the Hospital and is back at the White House with his wife Melania who also has the virus. Meanwhile she was caught on tape calling Stormy Daniels a “Porn Hooker”.

- Well if the stiletto heels fit…

*****

NBC is being criticized for their “Town Hall with Joe Biden” event last night which many say was “An Infomercial” for Biden.

- They knew it was an “infomercial” when Biden said he would get the economy back on track if everyone would just get a “Reverse Mortgage” on their home.

*****

A body language expert says that during many of his video posts with Meghan Markle, Prince Harry looks like he’s “Being held Hostage”.

- Ya think??

*****

Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace insiders say Queen Elizabeth offered Meghan and Harry a secret plan that would let them LIVE IN AFRICA so they could have some PRIVACY.

- But they wanted even MORE privacy… so they moved to HOLLYWOOD.

*****

A seventeen-foot female Great White shark was caught off the coast of Nova Scotia estimated at 55 years old and weighing an astounding 3500 pounds

- Makes sense. I’ve heard Menopause can cause weight gain.

*****

The Full Moon coming up on Halloween will be the first one to occur across ALL TIME ZONES AROUND THE WORLD since 1944.

- THAT Full Moon occurred when the #2 Nazi - FAT Hermann Goering - dropped his pants and surrendered to the Allies.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

President Trump continues to recover from the Coronavirus at Walter Reed Hospital. But as is protocol, they prepped Mike Pence to take over temporally if needed.

- Luckily, when it comes to Tweeting the Vice President is all thumbs.

*****

President Trump reportedly "wants to “get back to work” and is “Bored” in the hospital.

- Plus, they ran out his favorite Orange Jell-O.

*****

15,000 items from NY’s Waldorf Astoria hotel are being auctioned off - including items from the John F. Kennedy and Winston Churchill Suites.

- In a related story, a Motel 6 in Little Rock, Arkansas is auctioning off a “Magic Fingers” bed once used by Bill Clinton.

*****

Some Democrats are being criticized for going on Twitter and wishing the President “ill” while he’s in the hospital.

- Apparently they don’t know the expression “Never Speak Ill of Someone You Want Dead”.

*****

Tom Cruise was spotted doing his own stunts on top of a speeding train while filming the new “Mission Impossible” movie.

- Kim Kardashian also has a big role in the movie. She plays the Caboose.

*****

To celebrate her 75th Birthday next year, Dolly Parton says she’s considering posing in Playboy.

- In the interest of “Full Coverage”… Dolly will be featured in the January, February & March issues.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A survey found that many Americans working remotely during COVID are considering moving to other parts of the country to experiment with a different lifestyle.

- For example… I’M considering moving to Portland, Oregon to experiment with the Violent-Arsonist lifestyle.

*****

It’s October 1st… Halloween Month! In an effort to keep the holiday alive during the Pandemic, an Austin, Texas man has built a cannon that will shoot candy to Trick or Treaters.

- We used to worry about razor blades in apples… Now we have to worry about kids getting taken out by a Milk Dud.

*****

Tesla and “Space X” founder Elon Musk is warning that humans must move to Mars because the sun is going to engulf the earth in the next six billion years.

- Oh sure. He waits ‘til the last minute to tell us.

*****

A YouGov survey found that a growing number of adults would consider having sex with a robot.

- Has anybody asked the Robots if they’re okay with that??

*****

A new report found that Prince Charles spent $7 million dollars last year to support Prince William and Prince Harry.

- You know how kids are… You buy one a Castle… you have to buy the other one a Castle too.

*****

Disney announced that it’s working on a sequel to “The Lion King”.

- The new version is described as "A complete fantasy” where a new coach leads the Lions to the Super Bowl.

*****

The Chinese Government has begun giving unproven Coronavirus vaccines to its residents.

- Boy, those commies just never stop giving!

*****

RIP… Mac Davis best known for his hit song “Baby Don’t Get Hooked On Me” has died at the age of 78 following heart surgery. He also wrote Elvis Presley’s hit “In The Ghetto” which was released in 1969. If you get a chance to listen to it today you’ll realize that sadly, not much has changed.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Well that was fun.

- Name calling… Insults… Everybody talking over each other… But enough about yesterday’s episode of “The View”.

- At least Trump didn’t walk over and “Stalk” Biden like he did during the Hillary debate… and Joe didn’t go over and take a sniff of Don’s hair… So it wasn’t a TOTAL disaster. But pretty darn close.

*****

Five Parrots at a Wildlife Park were put in a “time out” after they began shouting insults at park guests.

- Here’s an idea… Now that they’ve learned the term “Time Out”… why don’t we hire THE FIVE PARROTS to moderate the next debate???

*****

A new study found that narcissists are more likely to become politicians.

- If you watched last night’s debate you already knew that.

*****

Amazon has added a “mail box sensor” to its RING home monitoring system that will tell you if your mail is being tampered with.

- Isn’t that what dogs are for??

*****

The Mayor of London is banning household visits as a way of slowing the spread of coronavirus.

- Turns out the Queen asked him to do it to keep Harry and Meghan from coming home for Christmas.

*****

Sweden is seeing a rise in Coronavirus cases after weeks of stability.

- Turns out everybody bought their masks at IKEA and they haven’t figured out how to put ‘em together yet.

*****

RIP… Helen Reddy whose 1971 hit “I Am Woman” became an Anthem for the Feminist Movement has died at age 78.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

President Trump and Joe Biden will debate for the first time tonight in Cleveland… and it’s expected to be the most-watched television Presidential debate in History.

- If you don’t count the one between Mr. Belvedere and Ollie Fretter. It was the epic battle between “We Do Good Work” and “I’ll Give You Five Pounds of Coffee If I Can’t Beat Your Best Deal”.

*****

Ratings for the debate are expected to be Huge.

- Or as Trump would say… “Uge”.

*****

Delaware State University says Joe Biden DID NOT attend the historically Black college despite Joe’s claims that he went to school there.

- Joe’s stories remind me of my Dad. For years he told me he was the “Chin-Up Champ of Ohio”. I checked with the Ohio Office of Sports Records and they told me they’d never heard of him. (True!)

*****

A new study claims you have less than a 1% chance of catching COVID-19 while flying.

- But if you join the Mile High Club, you have an 80% chance of catching something else.

*****

Residents of Lake Jackson, Texas have been warned not to drink the tap water because it may contain a Brain Eating Amoeba.

- But being a Glass is Half-Full kind of guy… Movie Theaters and Bowling Alley’s open next week!

*****

Mike Tyson will be voting for the first time ever in this election thanks to a Nevada law that restores voting rights for felons.

- Mike says his Vote is “Earmarked for Biden!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new study found that male baboons get major health benefits from having PLATONIC friendships with female baboons.

- Proving once again that Males CAN be friends with Females without there being any Monkey Business.

*****

Scientists are baffled by a large amount of squirrels that have been washing up on the shores of Lake Michigan.

- I’m no Nautical Scientist or Climatologist, but my theory is the squirrels were thrown overboard when their cruise ship the “Rodent of the Seas” hit an iceberg and sank.

*****

President Trump and Joe Biden are preparing for tomorrow night’s 1st Debate.

- Trump’s working on his spray tan and Joe’s taking a nap.

*****

They will NOT shake hands before the debate because of COVID-19.

- Well that… Plus the fact that they can’t stand each other.

*****

The NY Times claims that Prez. Trump deducted 70 Grand on his taxes for Hair Styling.

- Biden replied, “70 Grand is nothing to sniff at”.

*****

Supreme Court Nominee Amy Coney Barrett is the mother of 7 kids.

- No matter how you feel about her views, you gotta agree that anyone with 7 kids must be pretty good at settling arguments.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new survey found that just 25% of employed Americans are working from home.

- The other 75% are TRYING to work… but their dog keeps chewing through the computer cord. (It happened to me this week!)

*****

Disneyland is petitioning California Governor Newsom to let them re-open.

- They even offered to have Sneezy Quarantine for two weeks and said Donald Duck will work on Zoom since he’s not wearing pants.

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According to a new book about the Royals, Prince Andrew is a “Sex addict” who is very adventurous in the bedroom and has a thing for Red Heads.

- No wonder Prince Harry left England.

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Prince Charles kicked off Climate Week in New York City by saying we are taking so much from the planet, we’ll need three or four planets similar to Earth to survive.

- Question: Where are we gonna put ‘em??

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A cult leader claiming to be Jesus was arrested in Russia.

- He’s requested that he be tried by Judge Pontius Putin.

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Experts say spending too much time on social media can be damaging to your mental health… especially when reading too much negative news. It’s called “Doomscrolling”.

- You may not realize it, but by reading this blog, your “Doomscrolling” right now . And you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon… and for the rest of your life.

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RIP… Tommy DeVito, founding member of the Four Seasons has died at age 92 & All-Time Great Legendary Chicago Bears Running Back Gale Sayers gone at 77 of Dementia.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick