To make the game sound as realistic as possible, last Sunday the network carrying the game played fake booing sounds after the Eagles Quarterback made a bad throw.

- They were going to make this Sunday’s Lions game sound more realistic too… but changed their mind when they realized there’s no sound effect to duplicate Utter Disappointment.

*****

There is ONE SEAT LEFT on the SpaceX Dragon flight to the International Space Station in October 2021.

- Are you listening Joy Behar?

*****

Failed Dem. Presidential Candidate Michael Bloomberg sent $16 MILLION to Florida to pay the fines and court fees for 32,000 convicted Felons. Why? So they can vote in November.

- Makes sense to me that Convicted Criminals should have a say in which Criminals we elect to run the Country.

*****

More than two dozen colleges in the U.S. including the University of Michigan and Ohio State have cancelled the Spring Break recess for 2021.

- So this may be a good time to buy stock in the “Girls Gone Wild” Video Series.

*****

A study by Safety.com found that Americans are being caught on security cameras at least 238 times every week.

- Smile! You’re on 238 Candid Cameras!

****

The “Ellen” apology tour began on the air yesterday and beat the ratings predictions.

- Kind of like how she allegedly browbeat all of the staff on the show.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Agricultural experts are warning that the U.S. is facing a “Time-Bomb” explosion of millions of “SUPER PIGS” that can reproduce at just 3 months old, grow up to 400lbs and destroy thousands of square miles of farms and livestock.

- Yeah… but think about all the BACON!

- So I guess we’ll be seeing a new round of rioting and protests demanding that Cities “Defund the Super Pigs”.

*****

British PM Boris Johnson has tightened Covid restrictions amid fears of a 2nd wave of the virus - and Toilet Paper is once again hard to find.

- Oh Crap.

*****

President Trump told Bob Woodward that when it comes to “picking judges” he’s the best President since George Washington.

- There are other similarities too… they’re both known for their Hair… White for Washington and Orange for Trump.

*****

The NY Times claims that what appears to be low turnout of Biden supporters at campaign stops compared to Trump is REALLY due to people observing “Social Distancing”.

- Yeah, well maybe that… plus not as many people showing up??

*****

Due to the Pandemic, The CDC is “discouraging” costume masks, parties and Trick or Treating on Halloween.

- Great. What am I supposed to do with all the Chunky Soup I’ve already bought to hand out to the the little nippers??

*****

Retailers are worried about how Social Distancing will affect Black Friday shopping.

- You’ve gotta admit… It’s hard to punch someone and rip a Big Screen TV out of their hands while you’re standing 6 feet away.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Police were called on a homeowner in Mason, Michigan who put a toilet on his front lawn with a sign reading “Put Mail-In Ballots Here.” An election official had complained that people might be confused and think the toilet is a Polling Place.

- You mean that Port-a-Potty on the side of the road that I voted in last week WASN’T a polling place??

*****

The death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has split the country again over when her vacancy should be filled.

- This country is getting split more often than Michael Moores pants.

*****

Joe Biden made yet another gaffe over the weekend… claiming that “200 MILLION people have died from Covid 19” in the U.S.

- He then when on to offer his condolences on the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Buzzi Ginsburg.

*****

The Secret Service intercepted a package at the White House that was addressed to the President and allegedly contained Ricin, a lethal poison.

- Trump tweeted: “See? I was RIGHT AGAIN about the Dangers of Voting by Mail. SAD!!!”

*****

Flight attendants will rally outside of Senator Debbie Stabenow's office today to demand action on COVID-19 relief.

- But due to Covid restrictions the flight attendants announced that there will be NO BEVERAGE SERVICE during the rally.

*****

Because they had a Space Probe land there some years ago, the head of Russia’s space agency has declared that Venus is a “Russian Planet”.

- Obviously this guy has his head up Uranus.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

While talking about COVID-19 Wed., Prez Trump used the phrase “Herd MENTALITY” instead of “Herd IMMUNITY”.

- At least that’s what I Herd.

*****

Meanwhile, during a Town Hall Joe Biden said, “Cause if you could take care, if you were a quartermaster, you can sure in hell take care runnin’ a, you know, a department store uh, thing, you know, where, in the second floor of the ladies department or whatever, you know what I mean?”

- Huh?

- Absolutely Joe. We know exactly what you mean.

*****

Celebs are sporting “Nude Bike Shorts” which are tight shorts made of flesh colored material - that “Draw the eye to the wearer’s Butt”.

- I don’t think Kim Kardashian needs “special material” for that.

*****

A growing number of schools in Denmark are holding classes entirely outdoors in the forest.

- Well that kind of takes the fun out of going out for Recess.

*****

Some hospitals are experimenting with playing violin music to see if it helps patients with their anxiety, pain and loneliness.

- For example… If you’re in the hospital for a heart attack caused by watching “The View”, they’ll play Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy”.

*****

According to research, people who sleep on the left side of the bed are likely to be more cheerful than their partners who sleep on the right side.

- And in related news… If your a Democrat who sleeps on the RIGHT side of the bed or a Republican who sleeps on the LEFT side of the bed, you’re so confused it’s NO WONDER you don’t get any sleep at night.

*****

A study by the Northwestern School of Medicine found that scientists have located the portion of the male brain that controls sexual desire.

- HINT: It’s in the lower part.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

In a late-in-the-game reversal… BIG TEN FOOTBALL IS BACK… with ALL TEAMS set to play an 8-Game schedule starting the weekend of October 23-24!!!

- Why’d the decision take so long?? The players have been wearing Helmets with FACE MASKS for years!

*****

During a live interview, CNBC host Jim Cramer called Nancy Pelosi "Crazy Nancy" right to her FACE saying it was an attempt at humor.

- It made Nancy’s hair stand on end. But luckily she knows of a great salon in San Francisco that could fit her right in.

*****

Madonna announced that she’ll co-write and direct a new movie about her life.

- Finally some good news about the movie theaters being closed.

*****

Speaking of Madonna… A new study found that chlamydia and gonorrhea are on the rise in young women.

- I’m no doctor, but doesn’t this mean it’s probably also on the rise in young men??

*****

Anthony Weiner has a new job! He’s now CEO of a company that makes countertops out of broken glass.

- This is a real change for Anthony… With all that broken glass he’s forced to wear pants.

*****

Former President Barack Obama’s next memoir is expected to come out two weeks after election day.

- So we’ll have something to read for a couple of months while we’re waiting for the votes to be counted.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

While speaking to a group of small business owners in Arizona VP Candidate Kamala Harris accidentally said they will have a friend in “The HARRIS Administration”.

- Sure… An “Accident”… Right…

- No wonder Joe’s staying in his basement. He’s afraid Kamala’s gonna take him out.

*****

Jeopardy! began it’s 37th Season last night with contestants remaining at “Socially Distanced” podiums and host Alex Trebek staying at his podium when he talks with contestants.

- Bottom line: I still got most of the questions wrong.

*****

We should know if their Coronavirus vaccine works by the end of October according to Pfizer, the maker of Viagra.

- October?? I thought they’re stuff usually worked in 30 minutes. At least that’s what Big Al told me…

*****

Kanye West called himself “The New Moses” and says he won’t release any new music for the foreseeable future.

- PROMISE??

*****

Taco Bell is selling its own custom $19-a-bottle wine called “Jalapeño Noir”.

- This is Nacho everyday Red Wine.

- Who among us hasn’t been looking for a red wine with hints of Hot Pepper and a Refried Bean finish?

*****

A man relieved himself in the driveway of Nancy Pelosi’s home in San Francisco.

- Remember the good old days when all you left in San Francisco was your Heart??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yesterday the Lions blew a 17 point 4th Quarter lead and lost to the Bears 27 - 23.

- In a year where it seems like EVERYTHING has changed… The Lions proved there’s ONE THING we can ALWAYS count on.

*****

A Japanese Themepark has introduced a “Haunted Toilet” as part of it’s “Socially Distanced” Halloween attraction… Only one guest will be allowed in the “Scary Bathroom” at a time and it’ll be“cleaned and disinfected” after each person leaves.

- That sounds like a pretty darn good plan! Pandemic or not.

*****

Lululemon, which is worth $40 billion dollars and sells $128 Yoga Pants, is promoting an event urging people to “Resist Capitalism”.

- Just to clarify… Lululemon wants the millennials who WEAR the pants to “Resist Capitalism”… but they want the Parents who PAY for the pants to keep shelling out the big bucks.

*****

San Francisco is looking to lower the voting age to 16.

- Sounds great to me! And they can vote while wearing their $128 Lululemon Yoga Pants!

*****

A survey found that for the first time ever, more people left California last year than moved in.

- People say they want to live somewhere “safer”… you know… like Portland… Or Chicago.

*****

The Chinese Military issued a report calling the United States the biggest threat to world peace.

- That according to MSG… Um, excuse me… I mean MSNBC.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Citing his work helping to broker peace between Israel and the United Arab Emirates President Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

- The Prez will accept his award wearing a Red “Make Nobel Peace Prizes Great Again” baseball cap.

*****

Snow Days may be a thing of the past… Officials say with On-Line learning, there will be no need to cancel school due to inclement weather.

- Hey… Growing up in Buffalo - EVERY day was a Snow Day! …Even in July!

*****

Portland has banned the use of Facial Recognition Technology in public places saying it “Violates personal privacy”.

- So if the Police in Portland want to identify someone, they’re going to have to do it the old-fashioned way: Get their fingerprints off a Fire Bomb.

*****

According to a recent report, more than 700 airline passengers have been banned from flying on U.S. airlines for refusing to wear masks.

- Remember the old days when all you had to do to make the “No Fly List” was be a Terrorist?

*****

A University of South Australia study finds that grilling and roasting red meat raises the risk of heart disease.

- Now they tell us… Like they couldn’t have announced this BEFORE the Labor Day BBQ’s??

*****

A Sicilian mafia boss serving a life sentence for murder was so mad about an inspection of his cell that he bit off and swallowed a guard’s pinky finger.

- In his defense… they don’t stock finger sandwiches at the Prison Commissary.

*****

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced a set of requirements for films to be “Awards-Eligible” in an effort to increase representation and inclusion in Hollywood.

- Here’s an idea… When theaters finally reopen, how about making some movies that people over age 14 might actually wanna go see?

*****

When a New Hampshire woman was told the Political t-shirt she wore to the polls was “illegal” she whipped it off and voted topless.

- I’m betting they gave her TWO “I Voted!” stickers.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Former President Bill Clinton will launch a podcast with iHeart Media in early 2021… that will highlight his “Gift for STORYTELLING”!!!

- The first episode will be titled: “I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman… Miss Lewinsky”.

*****

Grab the Kleenex… “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” is coming to an END!!! Kim said “It is with heavy hearts that we’ve made the difficult decision as a family to say goodbye”.

- Kim wants to focus on her acting career. First up? She’ll star in a remake of Hitchcock’s “Rear Window”.

*****

The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health announced a ban on door-to-door trick-or-treating this Halloween.

- Cause you know Trick or Treaters NEVER wear masks.

*****

Britain’s government is banning gatherings of more than six people after a sharp spike in COVID cases across the U.K.

- No one is more upset about this than Prince Andrew who has already rented a Tux for his girlfriend’s Middle School Homecoming Dance.

*****

Research by sex toy company WeVibe revealed that 14 per cent of men admit to being “Excited” by their smart-speaker Alexa.

- Guys say the speakers are a lot easier to date than women… All you have to do to “Turn Her On” is say her name.

*****

Yesterday it was 32 degrees in Denver - just a day after they hit a near record high of 93 degrees.

- There’s a technical name for this kind erratic weather… it’s called “Pure Michigan”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Many thanks to my old radio partner and friend Tom Ryan who sent me this video over the weekend. It’s the best 54 seconds you’ll spend all day!

*****

Ozzy Ozbourne admitted that trying to kill his wife Sharon Osbourne when they were newly married 30 years ago wasn’t one of his “greatest achievements”.

- Ya think??

*****

Fire officials have announced that a Smoke-Generating Pyrotechnic Device used at a Gender Reveal Party ignited one of the 23 major Fires burning in California.

- Remember when a “Gender Reveal Party” was when the Doctor came into the waiting room and said, “Congratulations… It’s a Boy!” or “Congratulations… It’s a Girl!”. Or in my case… “Congratulations… It’s a Girl”… SIX TIMES.

*****

Actor Bradley Cooper recently took a shot at The Oscars, saying that the awards season is “meaningless” and “devoid of artistic creation.”

- Which is actor-speak for “I’m not nominated this year”.

*****

According to a new study, COVID-19 may persist in the gut even after the virus has been cleared from the airways — suggesting that fecal matter could be a better way to detect the virus than traditional nose swabs.

- On a bright note… you can keep your mask on during the test!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new study in the Journal of American Medicine found that the Coronavirus has caused some men to experience swollen testicles.

- And you thought wearing a mask on your FACE was uncomfortable.

*****

Nancy Pelosi says she was “Set Up” by the Salon owner whose security cameras showed a wet-haired Nancy walking through the salon without a mask on.

- There’s even a new hashtag for it… #BRECK-xit.

- A Salon Set Up?? Nancy’s got more cajones than most men. Maybe SHE should wear two masks.

*****

A Democratic Super Pac is warning that Donald Trump is going to hold a huge lead on election night, only to see a massive swing towards Joe Biden when the mail-in ballots come in a few days later.

- Which begs the question: Why is it so Darn hard to get Dead People to vote on time??

*****

BLM protestors caused $150,000 in damage to Graceland by spray-painting graffiti on Elvis’s former home in Memphis.

- What are they prostesting?? Peanut Butter and Nana Sandwiches???

- Elvis didn’t actually see the damage because he wasn’t home at the time… But he sent a tweet to the vandals reading“Don’t Be Cruel”.

*****

A new study found that the “New Guinea Singing Dog” (?) is not extinct as scientists once believed.

- Seems to me they should breed the Singing Dog with a Poodle to create the Dooby Dooby DOODLE. (Which reminds me… I once read that Sinatra said that “Strangers in the Night” was his LEAST favorite song because of the “Dooby Dooby Do” he improvised at the end).

*****

A video of two women getting into a wild fistfight on a Jetway at New York’s La Guardia Airport has gone viral.

- The way things are going… this counts as the “Feel Good” story of the day.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The Mayor and City Council of Washington DC are calling for the “Removal, Relocation or Re-Conceptualization” (?) of statues and monuments that “don’t reflect OUR values” including THE JEFFERSON MEMORIAL and the WASHINGTON MONUMENT.

- How are they gonna “Relocate” them??? Hire “2 Men and a REALLY BIG TRUCK”????

- Or they could just sink ‘em in the “Washington Swamp”.

*****

A Ben Franklin statue is also on the Mayor and City Council’s chopping block - despite that decades before the American Revolution, Ben called for the Abolishment of Slavery.

- But why concern themselves with pesky details??

*****

Despite Salons being CLOSED in San Francisco because of the Pandemic, Nancy Pelosi has admitted IT IS HER that was caught on security cameras getting her hair washed and blown dry at her favorite Salon.

- Even Joe Biden criticized Nancy… but then added, “Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific”!

*****

Caitlyn Jenner has launched a new cooking channel on YouTube and in his/her first episode, he/she made his/her ex wife Kris Jenner’s recipe for “Fettuccini with Sausage and Peppers”.

- Well actually Caitlyn cut the sausage from the recipe.

*****

The Michigan Department of State has approved VIRTUAL Drivers Ed Classes - meaning thousands of teenagers will still be able to get their licenses during the Pandemic.

- First came Driverless Cars… now VIRTUAL Parallel Parkers. What could go wrong??

*****

A well known Abraham Lincoln Impersonator was busted for possession of porn in Illinois.

- He eluded capture for years by keeping it under his hat.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The online Women’s travel magazine, “A Broad Abroad” advises women who encounter polar bears (?) to take their clothes off because bears are “easily distracted” and it will give a woman time to run away.

- But watch out for the Kodiak Bears… they take pictures.

*****

A South Carolina Fire Department broke up a massive pool party that violated social distancing rules with several hundred people - including a lot of little kids - in the pool at one time.

- Nobody has gotten COVID… but with so many kids in the pool, they did check for YELLOW Fever.

*****

Police have clashed with protesters outside the White House for three straight nights.

- They haven’t had three straight nights of action at the White House since Bill Clinton was President.

*****

A study published by Nature Communications found that the flu virus can travel in dust and other non-respiratory particles.

- So my mother was right when she made me dust the house every Saturday morning when I was kid… she was just trying to keep me from getting the Flu!

*****

A man in Oklahoma was arrested for going through the Drive-Thru at Taco Bell completely naked.

- The woman working the window said “there was nothing Supreme about his Nachos”.

*****

According to the National Academy of Science, giving money to your children is likely to increase their life span.

- Wait til my daughters read this. But then again… I’m not sure they read this blog.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Apple is changing the privacy features on it’s phones to make it harder for Facebook to track people.

- And to think I was excited when AT&T introduced Call Waiting.

*****

Millions of kids head back to school today (Virtually) as the new year gets underway.

- Emotions ran high as parents kissed their little ones goodbye and waved as they moved to the other end of the couch.

*****

A wife called the cops on her HUSBAND (43) and HIS MOTHER (63) after she found the mother/son duo doing the Horizontal Mambo on the couch.

- Who amongst us hasn’t experienced a little tension in our relationship when the Mother-in-Law comes for a visit??

*****

Pope Francis has become a virtual prisoner at the Vatican because of measures being taken to protect him from Coronavirus.

- But they say it’s easy for him to stay busy working… “since he wears a lot of hats”.

*****

Magician David Blaine will perform a new stunt this week… rising 18,000 feet in the air by holding onto giant helium balloons in a move he hopes will “Send a message to the world”.

- And that message is… “I haven’t been in the news in a while”.

*****

In protest of extreme lockdown measures, over the weekend hundreds of Germans stormed Germany’s Parliament building.

- After that, they invaded Poland… Just for old times sake.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

President Trump is calling for himself and Joe Biden to take Drug Tests before their debates to make sure neither one of their performances is being “enhanced”.

- Why not just ask their wives?

*****

In an attempt to disprove rumors that NK leader Kim Jong Un is deceased, the state media released pictures of Kim they claim are from this Tuesday.

- They posted the pics on BadHairCut&ReallyFatFaceBook.

*****

Some fans are less than thrilled with the trailer for the new Batman movie which features the Super Hero with long, flowing hair and black eyeliner.

- Sounds to me like Batman now identifies more as “Wonder Woman”.

*****

A 2nd pool boy has come forward to say he had a sexual relationship with Jerry Falwell Jr. and his wife.

- But Falwell says they were all in a hotel pool and it was “Just a game of Marco Polo that got out of hand”.

*****

The Warsaw Zoo announced that it will start giving it’s Elephants medical marijuana in an attempt to reduce their Stress Levels.

- Apparently the Elephants are stressed about getting pulled over and having the Cops find Pot in their Trunk. (Bada Boom!)

*****

Governor Whitmer went on TV this week to say that during the Pandemic, she “Won’t be Bullied” into re-opening Bowling Alleys like most other states.

- Hey Gov… Spare me. This makes no sense! If ANYBODY can ward off germs, it’s people who spend time WEARING OTHER PEOPLE’S SHOES.

*****

A Florida woman was arrested for assaulting her father because of his flatulence.

- In his defense, her Dad said they’d been arguing and she reacted badly when he tried to turn the other cheek.

*****

Happy Birthday to Macauley Culkin who TURNED 40 yesterday. It won’t be too long before he’ll be staring in the new movie “Assisted Living Home Alone”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Jerry Falwell has resign from Liberty University after it was revealed that he liked to watch his wife have sex with a pool boy.

- Well, as they say, “Everybody needs a Hobby”.

*****

Melania Trump got largely rave reviews for her speech at the RNC last night… But afterward Bette Midler was called out for being anti-immigrant for tweets she sent out about Melania including "Oh, God. She still can’t speak English” and “Get that illegal alien off the stage!”

- Hmmmm. “From a Distance”… I’d say Bette is a tad hypocritical.

*****

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton said Joe Biden may receive more of the popular vote but could lose the Electoral College… and that Joe should NOT CONCEDE under any circumstances.

- Been there. Done that.

*****

Usain Bolt, the World’s Fastest Man, has tested positive for Coronavirus after celebrating his 34th birthday with a giant, mask-free party.

-Seems to me - If ANYBODY could outrun a virus - it would be this guy.

*****

To be more “Inclusive” the Berlin Film Festival has wiped out the Best Actor/Actress categories and will now go non-gender for ALL awards.

- How are the nominees for “Best Boy” gonna handle this??

- What next?? Actors who are STILL ALIVE featured in the “In Memoriam” tribute so they won’t feel bad for NOT BEING DEAD????

*****

Using a computer program called “The Dreamcatcher”, scientists now say Dreams aren’t “symbolic” but are just a continuation of what happens in everyday life.

- If last night is any indication, I guess this means I’m going to be getting a job in a Potato Chip Factory working next to Richard Nixon wearing a Space Suit and Wing Tip Shoes.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Saw this on Facebook yesterday - captioned - “The Original Zoom Meeting”! Which reminds me of one of the great questions and answers on “Hollywood Squares” back in the day. The host Peter Marshall asked Charlie Weaver in the bottom left square “What did Columbus discover?” Weaver’s answer? “The world was Round… and Queen Isabella was Flat”.

*****

No word yet on whether Pumpkin Spice Spam - which sold out in just 7 hours last Fall - will be back on Grocery Store shelves this year.

- Luckily I stocked up last year so I’d be ready when I get the inevitable craving for Pork and Pumpkin.

*****

A 2019 survey showed 79% of alcohol consumers have made at least one online “Drunk Purchase” - a number they expect to go up because of the Pandemic Lockdowns.

- Admit it guys. Who among us hasn’t had a few glasses of wine and woken up to find a Joy Behar Inflatable Doll on our front porch two days later?

*****

Jeff Bezos say’s “Drunk Buying” is a BILLION DOLLAR business on Amazon.

- And that’s just the money they make from Charlie Sheen.

*****

A surprising new study finds that giving toddlers MORE SCREEN TIME on Electronic Devices like iPads will help with their attention span.

- That from a joint study out of SpongeBob State University.

*****

The NFL had seventy-seven False-Positive Corona tests, where they reported players had caught COVID when they really hadn’t.

- So apparently the Lions aren’t the only ones who drop the ball when it comes to important catches.

*****

Happy birthday, Sean Connery! The first James Bond turns 90 today.

- Sean says he still drives an Aston Martin… but not at night.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

In answer to all of you who asked about our little bundle’s lineage… Winnie is a Mini-GoldenDoodle - her father being a Golden Retriever and her Mom, a Poodle. She is 12 weeks old, weighs 8 pounds and is expected to ultimately weigh in at around 25 pounds. I would imagine that there’s a good chance her Mom had a romance with a strong, handsome male and the result was our sweet Winnie. We were originally looking for a Rescue Dog… but soon discovered that they were in extremely short supply because of increased adoptions due to COVID-19.

Some of you also wondered how puppy training is going. Well, let’s just say we’re considering changing her name from “Winnie” to “Winnie the Poo” (for obvious reasons). Just kidding!

*****

A former NY Times reporter slammed Melania Trump for restoring the White House Rose Garden to Jackie Kennedy’s original design, saying she’s “a Foreigner” who has “No right to wreck our history”.

- And then he went out and tore down another statue of George Washington.

*****

The NORTH Korean government claims Kim Jong Un is handing over some of his powers to his sister because he’s “Stressed Out”. But some SOUTH Korean officials say it’s REALLY because he’s in a Coma - or already Dead.

- Thus the old Korean Proverb… “Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down”.

*****

Music stars like Lady Gaga are being given an exemption from New York's 14-day quarantine mandate when they visit for the MTV Video Music Awards next week - whereas “Regular People” face jail time and a hefty fine if they don’t quarantine.

- But Lady Gaga will still have to have her meat dress inspected by the USDA before she performs.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

IT’S A GIRL!!! (Of course it is! What else would you expect?) Meet the newest addition to the Purtan Family… “Miss Winnie”. (Yes, we named her after Winston Churchill). And when it comes to Potty Training… we quote one of Winston’s great speeches: “This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning”… WE HOPE!

*****

The temperature in Death Valley hit 130 degrees the other day… the highest recorded temperature on Earth in over a century.

- How hot was it? It was so Hot Kim Kardashian put on clothes just so she could take ‘em off again.

*****

This week, Chocolate flakes fell from the sky like snow in a Swiss town following a ventilation defect at a Lindt Candy Factory.

- Hmmm. Candy from the sky? I would have expected “Sno-Caps”. (One of my favs!)

*****

Brach's has released a new bag of Candy Corn called the “Turkey Dinner” with flavors including roasted turkey, green beans, ginger-glazed carrots, sweet potato pie and cranberry sauce.

- What?? No Mashed Potatoes & Gravy??

*****

Bowling enthusiasts in San Diego staged a protest Wednesday to force the city to reopen Bowling Alleys.

- The City Council voted to keep them closed in a 7-10 Split.

*****

Cher has reached out to the Postal Service to ask if she can work as a volunteer to make sure mail gets delivered on time.

- Anything to keep her from singing.

*****

The 29th season of “Dancing With The Stars” will premiere on September 14th.

- I’m hoping the line up includes Biden and Trump. Whoever does the best Rhumba wins the Mirror Ball and gets to run the Country. Done!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump joked during his Wisconsin speech that he should get a third term in office.

- Can we just get through THIS YEARS ELECTION first???

*****

Just hours before Bill Clinton’s speech last night, the DailyMail.com revealed pictures of him getting a massage from Chelsea Davies, one of Jeffrey Epstein’s victims, during a trip on Epstein’s plane the “Lolita Express”.

- Bill says it was obviously photoshopped and added, “I did NOT get a massage… from THAT WOMAN… Miss Davies”.

*****

The Democratic National Committee is promising that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will appear LIVE on Thursday night after the party was criticized for airing pre-taped speeches the first two nights of the convention.

- This should really energize Joe’s Base…..ment.

*****

A new report claims that a national coin shortage is making transactions harder on retailers, laundromats, and even the tooth fairy.

- With six little girls in my house (that’s 180 BABY TEETH) our Tooth Fairy made enough money to buy a Time Share in Del Boca Vista.

*****

Kim Jong-un has ordered the confiscation of all pet dogs because of a meat shortage in North Korea.

- So look for “Beagle Bites”, “German Shephard’s Pie” and “Tuna Poodle Casserole” coming soon to “Kroger of North Korea”.

*****

A new study found that taking a seven-minute power walk everyday will decrease your chances of dying by 30%.

- Unless you power walk to DQ for a Roller Hot Dog and a Peanut Buster Parfait.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick