This morning, after 400 years of British Rule, the Caribbean Island of Barbados became an independent Republic meaning Queen Elizabeth will no longer be their Head of State.

- They got the idea from Meghan Markle.

*****

After months of rehab following his car accident, Tiger Woods says that his days as a full-time Professional Golfer are over.

- He says he plans to spend more time at home so he can “Putter around the house”.

*****

“Woke” Criminal Experts are urging the Media and the Public NOT to call California’s dramatic crime-wave “Looting” because “It’s Racist”… and instead use the term “Smash and Grab”.

- “Smash and Grab” sounds more like a date with one of the Kardashians.

*****

A German Euthanasia group announced that clients must be vaccinated against Covid-19 before they can undergo Assisted Suicide.

- Huh???

*****

Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte condemned rioters in Rotterdam and other towns and cities across the Netherlands over the weekend as "idiots".

- But - taking a cue from America’s Press… the Dutch Media said they were “Mostly Peaceful Idiots”.

*****

Yesterday, an anonymous person returned a book to the Boise, Idaho library ONE HUNDRED AND TEN YEARS after it was checked out. With late fees of 2 cents per day, it would have cost $803… but the library did away with late fees a few years ago.

- Which reminds me… I have a video of “Collision Collision” the Cop movie that I was in… starring Jay Leno and Pat Morita. I never returned it since they “forgot” to mention my name in the credits… And more importantly, they “forgot” to pay me!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

From the entire Purtan Family to you and yours…

Have a Safe, Happy, and Healthy Thanksgiving!

See you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

President Biden and family are spending Thanksgiving weekend at the $30 MILLION “Private Compound” of Billionaire friends on Nantucket Island.

- I guess it’s true what they say… “There’s No Place like Someone Else’s $30 MILLION Home for the Holidays!”

*****

The Butterball Turkey Help Line is up and running and they suggest about 2 pounds per adult and 1 pound per child.

- Is that how much Turkey we’re all gonna eat or how much weight we’re gonna gain?

*****

More than half of Americans say they’ve spent so much time scrolling on their phones during the Pandemic while sitting on the toilet, their butt has gone numb.

- Giving rise to a new COVID ailment… known as “Numb Bum”.

*****

A natural stream in Hawaii has tested positive for an alcohol content of 1.2%.

- That’s nothing! My ex-Brother-in-law’s “Natural Stream” was 20% alcohol every day for 20 years.

*****

A 28-year-old man was arrested for watching porn in a Louisiana Walmart.

- On a bright note… it was a nice change of pace from from the guys who usually STEAL the TV’s and watch porn at HOME.

*****

NBC news is suggesting that families “combat inflation” by not buying a turkey this Thanksgiving… adding that when guests find out you’re not serving a bird, they may decline your invite saving you even more!

- Wow… it IS the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!!!

*****

Thanksgiving travel chaos has begun with 48 MILLION people expected to pack up their cars and hit the road.

- Yes… From Atlantic to Pacific… Gee, the traffic is terrific!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Thanksgiving!

- Dick

According to a new survey of 2,000 Americans who celebrate the Holidays, people expect to gain about eight pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

- “Oh by Gosh… it’s Crazy! It’s time for Pumpkin Pie and Gravy!”

*****

After Florida Governor Ron DeSantis made it illegal for companies to force the vaxx on employees, Disney World has paused its vaccine mandate policy.

- Unfortunately, the Seven Dwarves are still out of a job since President Biden closed down their Mine.

*****

Over the weekend, Ann Turner The Original Gerber Baby… who first graced Gerber Baby Food Jars back in 1928 turned 95 years old.

- She celebrated by enjoying the same meal she first had all those years ago… Pureed chicken, a piece of Zwieback toast and half a jar of strained plums.

*****

A Miami Mansion is being sold by the world's richest animal… a German Shepherd named Gunther, who inherited a fortune from a German Countess.

- The mansion boasts 10 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, and 437 pee stains on the carpet.

*****

A man caused a panic at the Atlanta Airport on Saturday after he lunged for his gun during a baggage inspection, causing it to discharge three shots.

- His lawyer says the man only planned on two shots… but the CDC urged him to add a Booster.

*****

A new study finds that 40% of Americans check their phones immediately after sex.

- What are they looking for… “Likes”?? I guess that’s better than “Lauging Emojis”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Thanksgiving Eve!

-Dick

Let the Reindeer Games begin! “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” - the longest running holiday special in TV history is on tonight at 8pm on CBS.

- But this year… Santa has to use Google Maps to guide his sleigh because Rudolph’s nose is covered by his mask.

*****

According the History Channel… the Indians at the first Thanksgiving taught the Pilgrims how to plant and grow corn.

- While the Pilgrims showed the Indians how to put mustard on a Corn Dog.

*****

President Biden transferred power to VP Kamala Harris for 85 minutes on Friday while he was under anesthesia for a routine Colonoscopy.

- Somehow we survived.

- The White House said Harris spent her time as Prez looking for the “Root cause of why Doctor’s make you drink a gallon of awful-tasing junk before you get Roto-Rooted”.

*****

MSNBC ran a segment blaming the PILGRIMS for “White Supremacy” affecting the Nation today… saying, “Instead of bringing stuffing and biscuits, those settlers brought genocide and violence”.

- On a bright note… Elizabeth Warren brought some delicious mashed potatoes and gravy!

*****

A gang of eighty crowbar wielding thieves ransacked a California Nordstrom store in a terrifying raid that lasted one minute.

- Typically, some of the the media described it as a “Mostly PEACEFUL Ransacking”.

*****

Experts say Meghan Markle could be barred from becoming US President by a 211-year-old amendment to the Constitution that prevents anyone who “receives a title of nobility” from a foreign power from holding office.

- Plus, there’s that whole “Absolutely NO Qualifications” thing.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Mickey Mouse Day”!

- The Day we celebrate the MOUSE so kind… he’d give you the shirt off his back. As opposed to “Donald Duck Day”, when we celebrate the DUCK so kind he’d drop his pants for you… If he wore any.

*****

Disney is considering getting into the online Sports Betting through ESPN.

- It’ll be like regular Sports Betting, but if you lose on the Disney App and don’t pay up… One of the Seven Dwarves show up at your door and Punches you in the knee?

*****

The White House says it stands behind President Biden's Soviet-born “Comptroller of Currency” nominee - despite the fact that she was arrested in 1995 for stealing cologne, socks and four pair of shoes worth $214 from a Wisconsin T.J. Maxx.

- But aside from that… they say she’s REALLY GOOD at handling money!

*****

Taylor Swift says she left a red scarf at her ex-boyfriends house ten years ago… and he hasn’t returned it.

This story reminded me of a song she could record for her next album. It goes a little something like this…

“Oh, your Red Scarf matches your eyes…

You closed your cover before striking.

Father had the shipfitter blues…

Loving you has made me bananas!”

Hey… it won ME an EMMY! Maybe it can do the same for HER! Anybody remember the song or the show it was on?

*****

Sleep experts say the best way to wake up feeling rested and energized is to set your alarm to something “Melodic” like an upbeat pop song.

- No wonder I’m tired all the time. My alarm plays “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”.

*****

In California a bear was caught on camera walking towards the bathroom at a 7-Eleven.

- So now we finally have an answer to the age-old question… “Does a Bear BLANK in the Convenience Store?”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to NASA, we’ll be treated to a “Nearly Total Lunar Eclipse” Thursday night/Friday morning… with 97% of the Moon disappearing into the Earth’s shadow.

- There hasn't been this little moon showing since Kim Kardashian put on a pair of low-rise yoga pants.

*****

The former head of the FDA says that there’s “no question” there will be a big increase in COVID cases after Thanksgiving gatherings.

- Not as big an increase as our stomachs... but still, pretty big.

*****

Body language experts say VP Harris looked “Visibly uncomfortable” appearing with the President at the White House over the weekend and that a hug between the two “Looked like she was hugging a relative she didn’t like at Thanksgiving Dinner”.

- Admit it. One of your relatives IMMEDIATELY popped into your head didn’t it? Feel free to name names. Most people don’t read this blog anyway.

*****

Over the weekend, the Who’s Roger Daltrey called The Rolling Stones “A mediocre pub band”.

- Which reminds me… With the Holidays upon us, if you’re having a Party you might want to consider booking my Dad’s all-time favorite rockers… “Toots Dentino and the Buffalo Boys”. Private Message me if you want their number.

*****

“Woke” Activists are now trying to cancel re-runs of Seinfeld by calling them racist.

- Yada Yada Yada.

*****

80 year old James Hoffa is stepping down after more than 20 years at helm of the Teamsters union that his father Jimmy ran from 1957 to 1971.

- Hoffa says he’s retiring because he, “Wants to spend more time looking for his family”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

According to a new report by CNN, President Biden and V.P. Kamala Harris aren’t getting along.

- Making them the only people in America who AREN’T fighting over politics.

*****

A real estate-at-sea company is selling luxury condos on board a $600 MILLION super-yacht that sails AROUND THE WORLD.

- With my luck, I’d get a condo on the ocean with an obstructed view.

*****

According to a new study Americans face nearly thirty scams a month - including 10 emails, nine phone calls and eight fishy texts.

- And not just in the US. Apparently it’s so bad in Nigeria my email pal Akuna Matada just asked if I could send him a hundred bucks for new safety software for his computer. (Of course I did!)

*****

British authorities busted a truck driver with more than 900 pounds of cocaine with a street value of more than $44 MILLION hidden in a shipment of frozen onion rings.

- Which raises an important question: What did they do with all the Onion Rings?? (Asking for a friend…)

*****

Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers rejoined his team and beat the Seahawks 17-0 Sunday after a 10-day absence due to COVID. .

- And yet the Lions till didn’t win and they weren’t even sick.

*****

A New Hampshire teen was suspended for a day, and is now suing his school principal, after he was suspended for saying that there are only “Two Genders”… while riding home on the Bus.

- These days, the wheels of the bus aren’t just going round and round… they’re goin’ off the rails.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

- Dick

The LIONS DIDN’T LOSE!! But then again… they DIDN’T WIN. They TIED. 16-16 was the score against the Steelers. Whose better than us?? NOBODY!!!

*****

Dr. Oz is considering running for Senate in Pennsylvania.

- Oz says he wants to Represent two groups… “The people of Pennsylvania… and the people of Munchkinland”.

*****

As they struggle to find employees… companies including Arby’s, Wendy’s and the Dollar Tree are offering new hires the chance to get paid AFTER EACH SHIFT - instead of every two weeks.

- And if you want to get paid after every HOUR you work, you might want to consider becoming become a Hooker.

*****

According to a new report, President Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping will hold a virtual summit this week.

- Hopefully this will go better than the last time Biden called Xi - and tried to order some Sweet and Sour Pork.

*****

Two of the Original Playboy Bunnies and one of the magazines Playmates say they used to pour soda water in their high heels to ease their foot pain and that Hugh Hefner loved to show off his “Spinning, vibrating bed”.

- LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT: I believe Hef’s bed was the inspiration for Disneyland’s “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”.

*****

A Semi truck full of wine overturned, spilling hundreds of wine bottles onto a freeway in North Carolina.

- This is really gonna take the fun out of this weeks episode of “The Real Houswives of Winston-Salem”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s Veteran’s Day… To all of our Veteran’s, we are humbled by your Service and the immense Sacrifices you and your families made for All of Us. You are as Great as the Country you defend. God Bless You… and God Bless America!

*****

Norway is accusing teen Swedish Climate Change Activist Greta Thunberg of “anti-democratic behavior”.

- They say if she’s doesn’t change her ways she could be prosecuted and sentenced to put together a dresser from IKEA - all by herself.

*****

An Austrian brothel is handing out vouchers to anyone over 18 who agrees to get vaccinated as the government banned unvaccinated people from public spaces.

- While you’ve got your sleeve rolled up… you might want to consider asking them to top off the penicillin in your system.

*****

VP Kamala Harris is being mocked on Social Media and in the Press for appearing to put on a fake French Accent while she was talking to Scientists at a COVID lab in Paris.

- When told of the criticism she was getting, the Prez said, “Come on Man! It was PARIS! You know what they say… When in Rome!”

*****

A new study shows many people are fearful about sharing their true beliefs about the COVID Vaccine, Politics, etc…

- I’d tell you how I feel about that… but quite honestly, in the words of George W. Bush… “I’m a-scared!”

*****

A California Couple have become famous for holding their wedding reception at a Taco Bell and posting pics of themselves sharing a Taco for their wedding dinner.

- Oh sure… it’s all Hearts and Tacos now, but give ‘em a few years and it’ll be the same Bean Burrito night after night.

*****

A terminally ill man from Worcestershire, England was arrested last week for “mooning a traffic cam”. He says he did it, because “Flashing his butt to a speed camera” was on his Bucket List.

- We should cross our collected fingers that mooning a traffic cam isn’t on Kim Kardashian’s “Bucket List” or else somebody’s gonna lose an eye.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to a new poll, 2 in 5 Americans say owning a Pet is more expensive than having Children.

- That may be true… but you don’t have to send Dogs to College.

*****

Alec Baldwin is calling for Hollywood to mandate having police officers on film sets to protect people from gun misfires.

- Especially if Alec is in the Movie.

*****

Prince Harry says that the day before the riot at the US Captiol on January 6, he emailed Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and warned him that a “Coup” was about to happen.

- And if anybody knows about an impending shake-up in government… it’s the guy married to “Megxit”.

*****

NBC’s Brian Williams announced that after 40 years in the news biz… he’s retiring at the end of the year, saying he wants to spend more time with his family.

- Brian said he realized he was ready to retire as he was playing catch with his grandson - and the two of them came under heavy mortar fire in his backyard and were forced to take cover in his tree house.

*****

A website released a list of the most popular Thanksgiving Side Dishes in each state… and while 15 states picked Potatoes… here in Michigan, we picked ROLLS.

- Call me crazy but my favorite side dish is Rutabega. What’s yours??

My favorite part of the meal comes the day AFTER Thanksgiving… when I have Turkey, Cranberry Sauce and Gravy on White Bread. Mmm Mmm Good!

*****

Governor of California Gavin Newsom has now been missing for more than twelve days… leaving pundits to speculate why the Guv is MIA.

- Well no wonder they can’t find him… he’s wearing a mask!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Palace insiders say that Prince Charles wife, Camilla Parker Bowles, “Can’t stop talking” about the moment that President Biden “Broke Wind” while the two chatted privately at the Summit on Climate Change in Scotland last week.

- Apparently there was more than “Change” in the air.

- Biden says Climate Change is the biggest existential threat to human existence, but Camilla says that title belongs to Joe.

*****

A Bronx Teacher was arrested after he sent students pictures of his genitals over Snapchat.

- On a bright note… it’s nice to see that Anthony Weiner has found a new line of work.

*****

Senator Ted Cruz is hitting back at producers of Sesame Street for having BIG BIRD get vaccinated in an attempt to boost interest in child vaccines.

- The episode is brought to you by the letters P - F - I - Z - E and R.

*****

This morning, after 20 months of COVID travel restrictions, the US officially reopened its borders to foreign visitors who are fully vaccinated.

- NOTE: The new rule only applies to foreign VISITORS. If you want to LIVE HERE PERMANENTLY… you can just walk in from Mexico… no vaccine needed!

*****

Bill and Hillary Clinton were on hand in Central Park Sunday as their 41 year old daughter Chelsea finished the NYC Marathon in just under four hours - more than two hours after the female winner of the race crossed the finish line.

- Hillary immediately blamed Chelsea’s loss on “Deplorable Trump Runners” and “Russian Collusion”.

*****

The Census Bureau has released it’s annual list of the “Most Stressed Out Cities in America”… and this years winner is… SEATTLE… with 53% of residents reporting being “nervous, anxious or on edge”.

- And those are just the Cops.

- Apparently Meg Ryan isn’t the only person who’s Sleepless in Seattle.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

This morning, I was eating some of the Raisinettes that I got while I was out Trick or Treating and realized that I forgot to post my favorite Halloween commercial that was on TV a lot. It reminds me of myself getting up for my radio show all those years! Enjoy!

*****

New DNA testing has identified a living relative of Sitting Bull.

- And Elizabeth Warren’s claim that SHE’s the living relative they’re talking about is most likely Sitting Bull——.

*****

There’s a leak in the toilet of Elon’s Musk Rocket ship that will force his “Astronauts” to wear Adult Diapers on Take-Off and Landing.

- Big Deal! I wear a Diaper every time I take off and land too!

*****

Vicki Lawrence claims she was denied the same pay as her male counterpart on “The Carol Burnett Show” because she wasn’t a man like Lyle Waggoner who had “a family to support”.

- When Carol Burnett heard this she said “Soorrryyyy!!!”

*****

President Biden said that despite rising food prices and empty shelves due to supply chain issues, this Thanksgiving will be better than last year.

- Maybe for us… but I’m thinkin it’s not gonna be much better for the Turkeys.

*****

Fitness giant Peleton is partnering with Delta Air Lines to bring some of it’s classes to the airline’s in-flight entertainment systems.

- If you thought leg room was tight now, just wait til the guy in the seat next to you brings his stationary bike as a Carry-On.

*****

According to research out of the University of California-San Francisco, Children’s screen time has DOUBLED during the Pandemic to almost eight hours a day - and that doesn’t include the time they spent going to school over Zoom.

- When I was a kid… the only “Screen Time” we had was when our Health Teacher made us watch the film strip, “What’s Happening To My Body?”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As of right now, there were TWO Big Victories last night… 1) The Atlanta Braves won the World Series over Houston and 2) In the Virginia Governor’s race, Republican Glen Youngkin defeated Democrat Former Governor Terry McAuliffe in a HUGE upset.

- Question: Since Political “Wokeness” struck out last night are Baseball fans allowed to do the “Chop, Chop” again??

*****

Australia's borders have opened up after 590 days of covid shutdown.

- In celebration, citizens went crazy drinking Australia’s #1 drink… Coka Koala.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner says that when “She” was still a “He”, his/her then wife, Kim Kardashian’s mom, Kris Jenner told the then “Him” that her best friend, Nicole Brown Simpson once told her that OJ Simpson had told her (Kris) that he “Would kill Nicole… and get away with it”.

- The only thing more difficult than realizing OJ DID get away with it… is trying to follow that sentence.

*****

“Impeachment: American Crime Story,” the highly anticipated series about the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky affair is tanking in the ratings… with last week’s episode coming in 15th on Cable - tying it with MTV’s show, “Teen Mom”.

- Is it just me or does “Teen Mom” sound like a documentary about Bill’s High School Days in Arkansas?

*****

A California Fraternity was suspended after 5 women claimed members of the Frat spiked their drinks during a party.

- The Fraternity in question is Phi Kappa Cosby.

*****

Hundreds of QAnon supporters gathered on the infamous grassy knoll on Tuesday to hear JFK's son, John F. Kennedy Jr. announce that he would be former President Trump's running mate in 2024 - despite having died in a plane crash in 1999.

- Lee Harvey Oswald may have fired the bullets… but these QAnon people have obviously been doing a lot of Shots themselves.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

With just 54 days until Christmas, Donald Trump's political action committee, Save America, is enticing supporters of the former Prez to donate $35 or more in exchange for "Official Trump Wrapping Paper."

- Not to be outdone, if you donate $100 or more to Prez Biden, you can get “Official Hunter Biden Rolling Papers”.

*****

46 year old Leo DiCaprio dressed as a 100 year old man for Halloween.

- He got the idea by adding up the ages of his last five girlfriends.

*****

HBO is said to be mulling the possibility of bringing back “The Sopranos” to television in 2024.

- Of course it would be different from the Original since the actor who played Tony Soprano is “Sleeping with the Fishes” and the original strippers from the “Bada Bing” can’t “Bing” their “Badas” anymore.

*****

Safeway is the latest major retailer in San Francisco announce that it will close stores at 9pm instead of staying open 24 hours due to out of control shop lifting.

- They don’t care about the crime… they just want to make sure the Shop Lifters are going to bed at a decent hour.

*****

NASA astronauts made “Space Tacos” using Chile Peppers successfully grown on the International Space Station.for the first time ever.

- Did they really think tacos with hot peppers was the BEST CHOICE for dinner in a small, enclosed area filled with men and windows that don’t open??

*****

The Atlanta Braves lead the Houston Astros 3 games to 2 as they head into tonight’s Game 6. It’s the Braves first World Series appearance since 1999.

- To put that in perspective, the last time they were in the World Series, Bill Clinton was President, “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me” was big at the Box Office and there were only two sexes.

******

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Saturday, VP Kamala Harris got her COVID Booster despite being younger than the CDC’s 65 or older rule - because her job requires “Frequent Travel”.

- And by “Frequent Travel”… they mean “Anywhere but the Southern Border”.

*****

Scientists now say that decades of research pointing to Humans being more Optimistic than Pessimistic may be flawed.

- I knew the whole “Glass is Half Full” thing was a bunch of BS. As my mother used to say about me, “Dickie thinks the glass is half full. But it’s half full of Poison”.

*****

The Real Housewives of Dubai is coming to Bravo in 2022.

- It’s perfect for people who want to watch rich women throw glasses of wine at each other in another language.

*****

New Zealand just gave it’s annual “Bird of the Year” award to… a Bat.

- Even the “Woke” people were like, Huh??

- During it’s acceptance speech, the Bat thanks his parents and a bat he knows in Wuhan, China “Who brought Bats into the spotlight this year”.

*****

34,000 visitors at Disneyland Shanghai were locked in the park by staff on Sunday and forced to get tested for Covid before being allowed to leave.

- It’s part of their “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Swab Up Your Schnozz, No Exit-Service” program.

*****

Over 100,000 people attended New York City's famous Halloween Parade Sunday.

- That’s what they thought… but it turns out those 99,000 people dressed up as “Looters” actually WERE Looters.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A man in Ohio spent 40 days building a massive Halloween skeleton out of foam and PVC piping that looks like it’s clutching his house.

- If you need help with YOUR Haunted House… Keep it simple! Do as I do… “Call the Belvedere Construction Company at Tyler 8- 7100, Because They Do Good Work”.

*****

A new study finds that lack of sleep can affect the way you walk.

- If that’s true… I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that John Wayne was an Insomniac.

*****

Webster’s is adding 455 new words to the Dictionary including “Air Fryer”, “Super-Spreader” and “Dad Bod”.

- Isn’t having a “Super Spreader” waistline how you end up with a Dad-Bod in the first place?

*****

Some parents are upset after a female Florida school board member took a group of elementary school children on a field trip to a Gay Bar and posted pictures of the outing on Social Media.

- Read all about it in the new kid’s book, “It’s Okay for George to be Curious about Steve!”

*****

Six months after breaking the world record by giving birth to Nonuplets - that’s NINE BABIES - at a hospital in Casablanca, the proud Mom and Dad are ready to take their five girls and four boys home.

- It’s like the movie! But this time in Casablanca… the Woman said, “Next time, I’ll wear Gray… and you wear a Condom”.

- As the family left Casablanca General, the doctor looked at the babies and said, “Here’s looking at you…KIDS”.

*****

Political insiders said Tim Allen - the longtime voice of Buzz Lightyear has been dropped from the latest spin off of Toy Story because he’s a Conservative. Buzz will be played by an actor known for his liberal views.

- If I were Tim… I’d sue ‘em to Infinity and Beyond.

*****

Happy Belated Birthday to Hillary Clinton who turned 72 this week!

- She celebrated with a Pizza Party at Chuck E Schumer’s.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to CandyStore.com the favorite Halloween candy in Michigan this year is Starburst… with Candy Corn and Skittles rounding out the top three.

- Once again… the traditional Chunky Soup I ladle into the kid’s pillowcases every Halloween doesn’t even make the Top 10.

*****

A new report claims that due to food price inflation, this Thanksgiving will be the most expensive ever.

- And to make matters worse… because of the high gas prices, your relatives are gonna park their camper in your driveway for Turkey Day and stay right through Christmas.

*****

Kellogg's is facing a $5 million lawsuit for not having enough strawberries in its Strawberry Pop-Tarts.

- If we’re going to start looking this closely at breakfast foods… How long before Fiber One is labeled a “Weapon of Mass Destruction”?

*****

Fast Food restaurants are so desperate for workers… some are offering jobs to customers who come in to eat.

- So now they ask if you want “Fries AND $15 an hour with that”

I have been offered a job at a restaurant a few times myself during the labor shortage…True… But I said no. Back when I was in high school I got a job as a short-order cook at a Truck Stop. A couple hours and three burnt coffee pots later… the Owner and the Truck Drivers voted me “Out"!

*****

Taco Bell has added a new “Plant Based Meat” to it’s menu.

- This in addition to the regular “fake meat” they usually serve.

I did try a plant based burger recently. And I gotta tell ya… After I loaded it up with Mustard, Ketchup, Onions, Pickles, Mushrooms, Fat-Free Cheese, and Hot Sauce… It tasted pretty good!

*****

In a related story… The price of Taco Bell Tacos is holding steady.

- Finally… some GOOD NEWS about the price of Gas!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

75 year old Suzanne Somers says that thanks to Hormone Replacement Therapy she has a “great sex life” and that without it she didn’t care about sex and “Would rather have a Smoothie”.

- Boy that must be SOME Smoothie!

- Didn’t she used to tell us that all we needed for a great sex life was a Thigh Master?

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow says her son is “Happy & Proud” that she sells sex toys on her GOOP website.

- Things have certainly changed… I remember being “Happy & Proud” when my Mom made cookies for my Elementary School Square Dance.

*****

The author of the book “Woke Baby!” writes of a race struggle that she says “Starts in the crib”. The book reads in part, “Woke Babies raise their fists in the air. Woke babies cry out for justice”.

- And you thought they just had a poopy diaper.

*****

Outraged Howard University undergraduate students claim they are being forced to live in deplorable housing conditions – with rats, cockroaches, mold, and mushrooms plaguing their dorm rooms.

- Here’s a tip for guys going to College… If you want to live in a dirty run down place with rodents and bugs… Join a Fraternity.

*****

A Caravan of more than 2,000 migrants broke through the Mexican Border City of Tapachula to make their way into the United States.

- This is what happens when Washington gives the thumbs up to a giant game of “Red Rover”. (“Red Rover, Red Rover… Send EVERYONE Over!!!)

*****

A new Airplane survey found that 4 in 10 parents would leave their kids to sit alone in the coach section if they were offered an upgrade to First Class.

- The other 6 leave the kids at home.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The medical journal Lancet says that Climate change is set to become the "defining narrative of human health," triggering food shortages, deadly disasters and disease outbreaks that will dwarf the toll of the coronavirus.

- On the bright side… it’s almost FRIDAY!!!

*****

Disgraced ex-US Rep. Katie Hill who resigned from office after she was caught having a “Throuple” with her then-husband and a female campaign staffer Is pregnant! She’s having a child with her new boyfriend - a former Playboy reporter turned novelist.

- Wait a minute… I could swear I watched a movie with the exact same plot on the Hallmark Channel last night!

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A new study suggests dogs can develop ADHD - Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder -making them fidgety, excitable, and loud.

- I thought that’s what made them DOGS.

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Hooters servers are complaining that the shorts they have to wear as part of their new uniforms are so small, it look like they're wearing nothing but thong panties.

- Yes, and???

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The Taliban have promised free clothes, plots of land and $112 in cash to the family members of suicide bombers who targeted U.S. and Afghan forces.

- That’s quite a retirement package! Too bad you have to be dead to collect.

- Families of the fighters were thrilled saying, like their Suicide Vests, the gifts really blew ‘em away.

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Hiring experts say prospective employees should never wear Orange to an interview… because it makes you look “flashy” and like you might “

- Especially if your “Orange Outfit” says “Property of Jackson Prison” on the back.

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A new report claims Disney is considering getting rid of ESPN.

- So if you want to get sports from Disney… you’re gonna have to wait for videos of Snow White taking the Seven Dwarves Miniature Golfing.

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RIP… Ron Rose - a huge force in Detroit Media - has died. Ron started his career - which spanned six decades - as a disc jockey here in Detroit, before opening the legendary Ron Rose Studios where thousands of Radio and TV commercials were recorded over the years. You may not have known Ron’s face… but chances are you knew his deep, resonant voice. He was featured on hundreds of Local and National Commercials plus Hollywood Movie Trailers. Ron was a fantastic guy that Jackie and I both had the pleasure of working with many times.

Our hearts go out to his wife Carla, their three children and five grandchildren.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday…

- Dick