With Christmas just two weeks away… Santa is scrambling to find some new reindeer.

- Why? Because Dancer and Vixen are busy in Court… suing the Cuomo Brothers for Sexual Harassment.

*****

The Chinese Government is trying to reverse falling birth rates by having hospitals refuse to give men vasectomies.

- You gotta love China. There basically cutting these guys off at the knees… or somewhere a little North of that.

*****

The Pope announced this week that “Hatred, Anger and Pride” are the worst sins… and that “Out-of-Marriage Sex” isn’t that big a deal.

- Wait til MRS. Pope hears about this.

*****

Rio De Janeiro canceled its New Year's Eve Party amidst Omicron fears. The carnival is normally a week of nonstop drinking and doing drugs.

- Luckily, Hunter Biden will fill the gap by hosting a party at his place!

*****

A new report claims Kamala Harris is afraid of Bluetooth.

- To show you how technical I am… I thought Bluetooth was the Puppet who hung out with White Fang, Black Tooth and Soupy Sales.

*****

Over thirty staff members and customers were forced to stay overnight in a Denmark IKEA after getting shut in by a snowstorm.

- That would be my luck. I’d get stuck overnight in the only furniture store in the world where the beds aren’t put together.

*****

According to new evidence, Ghislaine Maxwell was once photographed rubbing Jeffrey Epstein’s feet on his private jet.

- And now… it looks like that little piggy will be going to Prison.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

AMAZING STORY…

Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic say after looking at data from 7 MILLION AMERICANS, they’ve concluded taking Viagra is associated with a nearly 70% REDUCED risk of getting Alzheimer’s.

- Go ahead guys… I’ll give you a minute to tell your wives THAT’S why you’re taking it.

Seriously, more details when available.

*****

President Biden and Vladimir Putin held a Zoom Call yesterday to discuss the increasing tensions in Ukraine - and what the US will do if Russia invades it’s neighbor.

- Plus… Joe and Vlad set the limit on how much they can spend on each other’s “Secret Santa Gift”.

*****

The cast of Harry Potter is reuniting for a return to the Hogwarts school.

- Turns out Harry and his friends are now all grown up and working at a Marijuana Dispensary… See the full story in the new movie “Harry’s Selling Pot and the Sorcerer’s Stoned”.

*****

Ryder Cup-winning Danish golfer Thorbjorn Olesen has been accused of groping a woman and “Relieving himself” on a First Class seat on a British Airways flight after drinking champagne and vodka and taking sleeping pills.

- Hey… Better a passenger than the Pilot.

- He got booze and pills?? I consider myself lucky if I get half a can of Diet Coke and a miniature bag of peanuts.

*****

The White House is complaining that the Press is “too negative” towards Prez Biden… and treat him worse than they did Trump.

- If that’s true… I’m Bradley Cooper.

*****

The Biden administration says the U.S. will not send any Diplomats to the 2022 Winter Olympics.

- Turns out Chris Christie didn’t make the weight limit again.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Today is the 80th Anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor by the Japanese… the event that so enraged the American public that the US entered World War II against Japan. Just 4 days later, Hitler’s Germany declared war on the US… and so we found ourselves at War with both adversaries at the same time. Three and a half years later… after the biggest World War in history… the US and it’s Allies declared Victory.

*****

President Biden and Russian Prez Vladimir Putin are holding a Zoom Call today… with Biden expected to warn Putin that the US will impose significant economic sanctions on Russia if Putin invades Ukraine.

- Translation: Hunter’s going to buy his drugs from someone else.

*****

The 4th of VP Kamala Harris’s top staffers is calling it quits… with more reportedly also ready to walk - as rumors of dysfunction in her office continue to swirl.

- The Prez immediately put her in charge of finding “The Root Cause of why people don’t want to work for her”.

*****

29% of people polled point the finger at their Mom as the most likely culprit to feed their dog under the table during dinner.

- So Mom FEEDS the dog dinner… And then Dad BLAMES the dog for what happens AFTER dinner.

*****

Actor Tom Holland - famous for playing “Spiderman” will be playing legendary Fred Astaire in an upcoming movie.

- They have someone in mind to play Fred Astaire’s traditional dancing partner… but turns out Caitlyn Jenner’s feet are too big to fit in Ginger Roger’s shoes.

*****

Hurray!! Hurray!! Today’s the Day!!! It’s the LAST day of Open Enrollment in the Medicare Advantage Program… and that means NO MORE TV COMMERCIALS running OVER and OVER and OVER… with Joe Namath, Jimmy “JJ” Walker and William Shatner… (Although, to be honest, I thought Shatner a good job). So now it’s back to Gardner White commercials! I hear they’re having a sale!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Congratulations to the Michigan Wolverines who will play Georgia in the Orange Bowl after trouncing Iowa 42 to 3 Saturday to become the Big Ten Champs!

AND if that wasn’t enough… Our Lions won their FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON Sunday - defeating the Minnesota Vikings 29 -27 with 4 seconds left in the game. But wait! There’s more!! The win means the Lions remain MATHEMATICALLY ALIVE to make it to the Play-Offs!! All they have to do is WIN ALL FIVE of their remaining games!! And c’mon! How hard can that be??

*****

Dr Justin Coulson, a parenting expert from the TV series “Parental Guidance”, said parents should respect their children and tell them the truth if they to ask if Santa is real because they “shouldn’t teach dishonesty”.

- NOTE: When I was a kid I believed in Santa and even when I found out it wasn’t true… it didn’t hurt me a bit. Of course I was 18 at the time.

*****

Dr. Coulson also says St. Nick also perpetrates the idea of “Good” and “Bad” children and can be used as a manipulation strategy.

- Well YEAH!!! Haven’t parents been using this tactic to make their kids behave since FOREVER?? It’s the Holiday equivalent of “Wait ‘til your Father gets home!”

*****

Experts say the Omicron Variant causes people to experience “Mild congestion and general fatigue”.

- Sounds like something I’ve had on and off my whole life… My doctor called it “The Common Cold”.

****

One year after they were the toast of the town… the former Media Darling Cuomo Brothers are both now out of a job.

- The last time two brothers fell this hard, this fast… The Wright Brothers plane ran out of gas.

*****

A shark tracker shows that Great Whites and other shark breeds are amassing in large numbers on the East Coast.

- Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear… And it shows them pearly white…” Does this sound like a gathering of sharks or a meeting of the Bobby Darin fan club??

*****

RIP… Bob Dole - World War II Hero, Patriot, longtime Senator and Presidential Candidate has died at the age of 98.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The U.S. is moving to require that all Air Travelers entering the country show a negative COVID-19 test performed within one day of departure.

- But in keeping with the Biden Immigration policy, if you WALK IN the country instead of FLYING… there’s no testing or vaccine required.

*****

A passenger on Delta Airlines was reportedly caught breast-feeding her cat during a flight to Atlanta.

- Two Words: Cat Nip.

*****

Rita Moreno told the ladies of “The View” that she dated Elvis to get back at her boyfriend Marlon Brando when she found out he was cheating on her.

- But she ended up going back to Brando because he made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.

- She added that Elvis “Wasn’t a great conversationalist”. What do you expect from a guy whose tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth from all those Peanut Butter and Nana Sandwiches?

*****

Yesterday, more than a month after accidentally shooting and killing a woman on his movie set, a tearful Alec Baldwin told ABC news that he “Didn’t pull the Trigger”.

- How come he didn’t mention this a month ago when he said that he only pointed the gun at the woman and fired because he thought the chamber was loaded with a blank?

- Me thinks there might be a Lawyer involved in this new explanation.

*****

Archeologists have unveiled the well-preserved skeleton of a Roman man who died in a cloud of 1000 degree steam while trying to flee the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in 79AD.

- Well, that’s what THEY say. Dr. Fauci says he died of COVID. .

*****

A 36 year old man - who didn’t want to pay the $363 dollars his pharmacy charged for his Erectile Dysfunction medication - snatched them from the cashier and ran out of the store. He now faces 6 months in jail.

- That’s a pretty stiff penalty.

- He should have gone to San Francisco! He could have gotten his ED meds AND all the jewelry he could steal… NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!

*****

On this day in 1804… Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned Emperor of France.

- For you non-history buffs, Napoleon was of course married to Josephine the Plumber.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

There really are no words to express the sadness we’re all feeling this morning after the shocking, nonsensical and tragic shooting that claimed the lives of three students and wounded a teacher and seven others at Oxford High School yesterday afternoon. Our hearts and Prayers are with all those whose lives have been forever changed by this senseless act.

*****

US Scientists have revealed that the world’s first living robots, organisms known as “Xenobots,” can now reproduce - despite being microscopic.

- So it must be true… Size DOESN’T matter!

- And they put up little microscopic stork signs in the petri dish that say “It’s a Bot”!

*****

Speaking of sex… According to a new study, Men who use e-cigarettes are more than twice as likely to suffer ED as non-smokers.

- This must be the reason why in the old movies, men always smoked AFTER sex. (And in twin beds, of course)

*****

CNN has put anchor Chris Cuomo on “Indefinite Suspension” after a report by the NY Attorney General revealed that he lied about improperly using his position to help his troubled brother - NY Gov Andrew Cuomo fight the Sexual Assault Charges that ultimately led to his resignation.

- I can think of two CNN dudes who are getting coal in their stockings this year.

*****

Ironically, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper announced Cuomo’s suspension last night - right after finishing a segment with Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin who was also briefly taken off the Network last year after he was caught “Pleasuring himself” during a work Zoom Call .

- Both guys behaved badly… but most agree that Cuomo wins the award for the Worst behavior… Hands Down.

*****

After an unexpected blizzard this weekend, dozens of customers in Britain got snowed in and trapped for three days in a pub.

- Rescuers found them on the third day when they heard voices singing, “25 thousand, 6 hundred 97 bottles of beer on the wall… 25 thousand, 6 hundred 97 bottles of beer… Take one down… Pass it around…” Well….. you know the rest.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

This morning, after 400 years of British Rule, the Caribbean Island of Barbados became an independent Republic meaning Queen Elizabeth will no longer be their Head of State.

- They got the idea from Meghan Markle.

*****

After months of rehab following his car accident, Tiger Woods says that his days as a full-time Professional Golfer are over.

- He says he plans to spend more time at home so he can “Putter around the house”.

*****

“Woke” Criminal Experts are urging the Media and the Public NOT to call California’s dramatic crime-wave “Looting” because “It’s Racist”… and instead use the term “Smash and Grab”.

- “Smash and Grab” sounds more like a date with one of the Kardashians.

*****

A German Euthanasia group announced that clients must be vaccinated against Covid-19 before they can undergo Assisted Suicide.

- Huh???

*****

Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte condemned rioters in Rotterdam and other towns and cities across the Netherlands over the weekend as "idiots".

- But - taking a cue from America’s Press… the Dutch Media said they were “Mostly Peaceful Idiots”.

*****

Yesterday, an anonymous person returned a book to the Boise, Idaho library ONE HUNDRED AND TEN YEARS after it was checked out. With late fees of 2 cents per day, it would have cost $803… but the library did away with late fees a few years ago.

- Which reminds me… I have a video of “Collision Collision” the Cop movie that I was in… starring Jay Leno and Pat Morita. I never returned it since they “forgot” to mention my name in the credits… And more importantly, they “forgot” to pay me!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

From the entire Purtan Family to you and yours…

Have a Safe, Happy, and Healthy Thanksgiving!

See you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

President Biden and family are spending Thanksgiving weekend at the $30 MILLION “Private Compound” of Billionaire friends on Nantucket Island.

- I guess it’s true what they say… “There’s No Place like Someone Else’s $30 MILLION Home for the Holidays!”

*****

The Butterball Turkey Help Line is up and running and they suggest about 2 pounds per adult and 1 pound per child.

- Is that how much Turkey we’re all gonna eat or how much weight we’re gonna gain?

*****

More than half of Americans say they’ve spent so much time scrolling on their phones during the Pandemic while sitting on the toilet, their butt has gone numb.

- Giving rise to a new COVID ailment… known as “Numb Bum”.

*****

A natural stream in Hawaii has tested positive for an alcohol content of 1.2%.

- That’s nothing! My ex-Brother-in-law’s “Natural Stream” was 20% alcohol every day for 20 years.

*****

A 28-year-old man was arrested for watching porn in a Louisiana Walmart.

- On a bright note… it was a nice change of pace from from the guys who usually STEAL the TV’s and watch porn at HOME.

*****

NBC news is suggesting that families “combat inflation” by not buying a turkey this Thanksgiving… adding that when guests find out you’re not serving a bird, they may decline your invite saving you even more!

- Wow… it IS the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!!!

*****

Thanksgiving travel chaos has begun with 48 MILLION people expected to pack up their cars and hit the road.

- Yes… From Atlantic to Pacific… Gee, the traffic is terrific!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Thanksgiving!

- Dick

According to a new survey of 2,000 Americans who celebrate the Holidays, people expect to gain about eight pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

- “Oh by Gosh… it’s Crazy! It’s time for Pumpkin Pie and Gravy!”

*****

After Florida Governor Ron DeSantis made it illegal for companies to force the vaxx on employees, Disney World has paused its vaccine mandate policy.

- Unfortunately, the Seven Dwarves are still out of a job since President Biden closed down their Mine.

*****

Over the weekend, Ann Turner The Original Gerber Baby… who first graced Gerber Baby Food Jars back in 1928 turned 95 years old.

- She celebrated by enjoying the same meal she first had all those years ago… Pureed chicken, a piece of Zwieback toast and half a jar of strained plums.

*****

A Miami Mansion is being sold by the world's richest animal… a German Shepherd named Gunther, who inherited a fortune from a German Countess.

- The mansion boasts 10 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, and 437 pee stains on the carpet.

*****

A man caused a panic at the Atlanta Airport on Saturday after he lunged for his gun during a baggage inspection, causing it to discharge three shots.

- His lawyer says the man only planned on two shots… but the CDC urged him to add a Booster.

*****

A new study finds that 40% of Americans check their phones immediately after sex.

- What are they looking for… “Likes”?? I guess that’s better than “Lauging Emojis”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Thanksgiving Eve!

-Dick

Let the Reindeer Games begin! “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” - the longest running holiday special in TV history is on tonight at 8pm on CBS.

- But this year… Santa has to use Google Maps to guide his sleigh because Rudolph’s nose is covered by his mask.

*****

According the History Channel… the Indians at the first Thanksgiving taught the Pilgrims how to plant and grow corn.

- While the Pilgrims showed the Indians how to put mustard on a Corn Dog.

*****

President Biden transferred power to VP Kamala Harris for 85 minutes on Friday while he was under anesthesia for a routine Colonoscopy.

- Somehow we survived.

- The White House said Harris spent her time as Prez looking for the “Root cause of why Doctor’s make you drink a gallon of awful-tasing junk before you get Roto-Rooted”.

*****

MSNBC ran a segment blaming the PILGRIMS for “White Supremacy” affecting the Nation today… saying, “Instead of bringing stuffing and biscuits, those settlers brought genocide and violence”.

- On a bright note… Elizabeth Warren brought some delicious mashed potatoes and gravy!

*****

A gang of eighty crowbar wielding thieves ransacked a California Nordstrom store in a terrifying raid that lasted one minute.

- Typically, some of the the media described it as a “Mostly PEACEFUL Ransacking”.

*****

Experts say Meghan Markle could be barred from becoming US President by a 211-year-old amendment to the Constitution that prevents anyone who “receives a title of nobility” from a foreign power from holding office.

- Plus, there’s that whole “Absolutely NO Qualifications” thing.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Mickey Mouse Day”!

- The Day we celebrate the MOUSE so kind… he’d give you the shirt off his back. As opposed to “Donald Duck Day”, when we celebrate the DUCK so kind he’d drop his pants for you… If he wore any.

*****

Disney is considering getting into the online Sports Betting through ESPN.

- It’ll be like regular Sports Betting, but if you lose on the Disney App and don’t pay up… One of the Seven Dwarves show up at your door and Punches you in the knee?

*****

The White House says it stands behind President Biden's Soviet-born “Comptroller of Currency” nominee - despite the fact that she was arrested in 1995 for stealing cologne, socks and four pair of shoes worth $214 from a Wisconsin T.J. Maxx.

- But aside from that… they say she’s REALLY GOOD at handling money!

*****

Taylor Swift says she left a red scarf at her ex-boyfriends house ten years ago… and he hasn’t returned it.

This story reminded me of a song she could record for her next album. It goes a little something like this…

“Oh, your Red Scarf matches your eyes…

You closed your cover before striking.

Father had the shipfitter blues…

Loving you has made me bananas!”

Hey… it won ME an EMMY! Maybe it can do the same for HER! Anybody remember the song or the show it was on?

*****

Sleep experts say the best way to wake up feeling rested and energized is to set your alarm to something “Melodic” like an upbeat pop song.

- No wonder I’m tired all the time. My alarm plays “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”.

*****

In California a bear was caught on camera walking towards the bathroom at a 7-Eleven.

- So now we finally have an answer to the age-old question… “Does a Bear BLANK in the Convenience Store?”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to NASA, we’ll be treated to a “Nearly Total Lunar Eclipse” Thursday night/Friday morning… with 97% of the Moon disappearing into the Earth’s shadow.

- There hasn't been this little moon showing since Kim Kardashian put on a pair of low-rise yoga pants.

*****

The former head of the FDA says that there’s “no question” there will be a big increase in COVID cases after Thanksgiving gatherings.

- Not as big an increase as our stomachs... but still, pretty big.

*****

Body language experts say VP Harris looked “Visibly uncomfortable” appearing with the President at the White House over the weekend and that a hug between the two “Looked like she was hugging a relative she didn’t like at Thanksgiving Dinner”.

- Admit it. One of your relatives IMMEDIATELY popped into your head didn’t it? Feel free to name names. Most people don’t read this blog anyway.

*****

Over the weekend, the Who’s Roger Daltrey called The Rolling Stones “A mediocre pub band”.

- Which reminds me… With the Holidays upon us, if you’re having a Party you might want to consider booking my Dad’s all-time favorite rockers… “Toots Dentino and the Buffalo Boys”. Private Message me if you want their number.

*****

“Woke” Activists are now trying to cancel re-runs of Seinfeld by calling them racist.

- Yada Yada Yada.

*****

80 year old James Hoffa is stepping down after more than 20 years at helm of the Teamsters union that his father Jimmy ran from 1957 to 1971.

- Hoffa says he’s retiring because he, “Wants to spend more time looking for his family”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

According to a new report by CNN, President Biden and V.P. Kamala Harris aren’t getting along.

- Making them the only people in America who AREN’T fighting over politics.

*****

A real estate-at-sea company is selling luxury condos on board a $600 MILLION super-yacht that sails AROUND THE WORLD.

- With my luck, I’d get a condo on the ocean with an obstructed view.

*****

According to a new study Americans face nearly thirty scams a month - including 10 emails, nine phone calls and eight fishy texts.

- And not just in the US. Apparently it’s so bad in Nigeria my email pal Akuna Matada just asked if I could send him a hundred bucks for new safety software for his computer. (Of course I did!)

*****

British authorities busted a truck driver with more than 900 pounds of cocaine with a street value of more than $44 MILLION hidden in a shipment of frozen onion rings.

- Which raises an important question: What did they do with all the Onion Rings?? (Asking for a friend…)

*****

Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers rejoined his team and beat the Seahawks 17-0 Sunday after a 10-day absence due to COVID. .

- And yet the Lions till didn’t win and they weren’t even sick.

*****

A New Hampshire teen was suspended for a day, and is now suing his school principal, after he was suspended for saying that there are only “Two Genders”… while riding home on the Bus.

- These days, the wheels of the bus aren’t just going round and round… they’re goin’ off the rails.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

- Dick

The LIONS DIDN’T LOSE!! But then again… they DIDN’T WIN. They TIED. 16-16 was the score against the Steelers. Whose better than us?? NOBODY!!!

*****

Dr. Oz is considering running for Senate in Pennsylvania.

- Oz says he wants to Represent two groups… “The people of Pennsylvania… and the people of Munchkinland”.

*****

As they struggle to find employees… companies including Arby’s, Wendy’s and the Dollar Tree are offering new hires the chance to get paid AFTER EACH SHIFT - instead of every two weeks.

- And if you want to get paid after every HOUR you work, you might want to consider becoming become a Hooker.

*****

According to a new report, President Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping will hold a virtual summit this week.

- Hopefully this will go better than the last time Biden called Xi - and tried to order some Sweet and Sour Pork.

*****

Two of the Original Playboy Bunnies and one of the magazines Playmates say they used to pour soda water in their high heels to ease their foot pain and that Hugh Hefner loved to show off his “Spinning, vibrating bed”.

- LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT: I believe Hef’s bed was the inspiration for Disneyland’s “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”.

*****

A Semi truck full of wine overturned, spilling hundreds of wine bottles onto a freeway in North Carolina.

- This is really gonna take the fun out of this weeks episode of “The Real Houswives of Winston-Salem”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s Veteran’s Day… To all of our Veteran’s, we are humbled by your Service and the immense Sacrifices you and your families made for All of Us. You are as Great as the Country you defend. God Bless You… and God Bless America!

*****

Norway is accusing teen Swedish Climate Change Activist Greta Thunberg of “anti-democratic behavior”.

- They say if she’s doesn’t change her ways she could be prosecuted and sentenced to put together a dresser from IKEA - all by herself.

*****

An Austrian brothel is handing out vouchers to anyone over 18 who agrees to get vaccinated as the government banned unvaccinated people from public spaces.

- While you’ve got your sleeve rolled up… you might want to consider asking them to top off the penicillin in your system.

*****

VP Kamala Harris is being mocked on Social Media and in the Press for appearing to put on a fake French Accent while she was talking to Scientists at a COVID lab in Paris.

- When told of the criticism she was getting, the Prez said, “Come on Man! It was PARIS! You know what they say… When in Rome!”

*****

A new study shows many people are fearful about sharing their true beliefs about the COVID Vaccine, Politics, etc…

- I’d tell you how I feel about that… but quite honestly, in the words of George W. Bush… “I’m a-scared!”

*****

A California Couple have become famous for holding their wedding reception at a Taco Bell and posting pics of themselves sharing a Taco for their wedding dinner.

- Oh sure… it’s all Hearts and Tacos now, but give ‘em a few years and it’ll be the same Bean Burrito night after night.

*****

A terminally ill man from Worcestershire, England was arrested last week for “mooning a traffic cam”. He says he did it, because “Flashing his butt to a speed camera” was on his Bucket List.

- We should cross our collected fingers that mooning a traffic cam isn’t on Kim Kardashian’s “Bucket List” or else somebody’s gonna lose an eye.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to a new poll, 2 in 5 Americans say owning a Pet is more expensive than having Children.

- That may be true… but you don’t have to send Dogs to College.

*****

Alec Baldwin is calling for Hollywood to mandate having police officers on film sets to protect people from gun misfires.

- Especially if Alec is in the Movie.

*****

Prince Harry says that the day before the riot at the US Captiol on January 6, he emailed Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and warned him that a “Coup” was about to happen.

- And if anybody knows about an impending shake-up in government… it’s the guy married to “Megxit”.

*****

NBC’s Brian Williams announced that after 40 years in the news biz… he’s retiring at the end of the year, saying he wants to spend more time with his family.

- Brian said he realized he was ready to retire as he was playing catch with his grandson - and the two of them came under heavy mortar fire in his backyard and were forced to take cover in his tree house.

*****

A website released a list of the most popular Thanksgiving Side Dishes in each state… and while 15 states picked Potatoes… here in Michigan, we picked ROLLS.

- Call me crazy but my favorite side dish is Rutabega. What’s yours??

My favorite part of the meal comes the day AFTER Thanksgiving… when I have Turkey, Cranberry Sauce and Gravy on White Bread. Mmm Mmm Good!

*****

Governor of California Gavin Newsom has now been missing for more than twelve days… leaving pundits to speculate why the Guv is MIA.

- Well no wonder they can’t find him… he’s wearing a mask!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Palace insiders say that Prince Charles wife, Camilla Parker Bowles, “Can’t stop talking” about the moment that President Biden “Broke Wind” while the two chatted privately at the Summit on Climate Change in Scotland last week.

- Apparently there was more than “Change” in the air.

- Biden says Climate Change is the biggest existential threat to human existence, but Camilla says that title belongs to Joe.

*****

A Bronx Teacher was arrested after he sent students pictures of his genitals over Snapchat.

- On a bright note… it’s nice to see that Anthony Weiner has found a new line of work.

*****

Senator Ted Cruz is hitting back at producers of Sesame Street for having BIG BIRD get vaccinated in an attempt to boost interest in child vaccines.

- The episode is brought to you by the letters P - F - I - Z - E and R.

*****

This morning, after 20 months of COVID travel restrictions, the US officially reopened its borders to foreign visitors who are fully vaccinated.

- NOTE: The new rule only applies to foreign VISITORS. If you want to LIVE HERE PERMANENTLY… you can just walk in from Mexico… no vaccine needed!

*****

Bill and Hillary Clinton were on hand in Central Park Sunday as their 41 year old daughter Chelsea finished the NYC Marathon in just under four hours - more than two hours after the female winner of the race crossed the finish line.

- Hillary immediately blamed Chelsea’s loss on “Deplorable Trump Runners” and “Russian Collusion”.

*****

The Census Bureau has released it’s annual list of the “Most Stressed Out Cities in America”… and this years winner is… SEATTLE… with 53% of residents reporting being “nervous, anxious or on edge”.

- And those are just the Cops.

- Apparently Meg Ryan isn’t the only person who’s Sleepless in Seattle.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

This morning, I was eating some of the Raisinettes that I got while I was out Trick or Treating and realized that I forgot to post my favorite Halloween commercial that was on TV a lot. It reminds me of myself getting up for my radio show all those years! Enjoy!

*****

New DNA testing has identified a living relative of Sitting Bull.

- And Elizabeth Warren’s claim that SHE’s the living relative they’re talking about is most likely Sitting Bull——.

*****

There’s a leak in the toilet of Elon’s Musk Rocket ship that will force his “Astronauts” to wear Adult Diapers on Take-Off and Landing.

- Big Deal! I wear a Diaper every time I take off and land too!

*****

Vicki Lawrence claims she was denied the same pay as her male counterpart on “The Carol Burnett Show” because she wasn’t a man like Lyle Waggoner who had “a family to support”.

- When Carol Burnett heard this she said “Soorrryyyy!!!”

*****

President Biden said that despite rising food prices and empty shelves due to supply chain issues, this Thanksgiving will be better than last year.

- Maybe for us… but I’m thinkin it’s not gonna be much better for the Turkeys.

*****

Fitness giant Peleton is partnering with Delta Air Lines to bring some of it’s classes to the airline’s in-flight entertainment systems.

- If you thought leg room was tight now, just wait til the guy in the seat next to you brings his stationary bike as a Carry-On.

*****

According to research out of the University of California-San Francisco, Children’s screen time has DOUBLED during the Pandemic to almost eight hours a day - and that doesn’t include the time they spent going to school over Zoom.

- When I was a kid… the only “Screen Time” we had was when our Health Teacher made us watch the film strip, “What’s Happening To My Body?”

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As of right now, there were TWO Big Victories last night… 1) The Atlanta Braves won the World Series over Houston and 2) In the Virginia Governor’s race, Republican Glen Youngkin defeated Democrat Former Governor Terry McAuliffe in a HUGE upset.

- Question: Since Political “Wokeness” struck out last night are Baseball fans allowed to do the “Chop, Chop” again??

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Australia's borders have opened up after 590 days of covid shutdown.

- In celebration, citizens went crazy drinking Australia’s #1 drink… Coka Koala.

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Caitlyn Jenner says that when “She” was still a “He”, his/her then wife, Kim Kardashian’s mom, Kris Jenner told the then “Him” that her best friend, Nicole Brown Simpson once told her that OJ Simpson had told her (Kris) that he “Would kill Nicole… and get away with it”.

- The only thing more difficult than realizing OJ DID get away with it… is trying to follow that sentence.

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“Impeachment: American Crime Story,” the highly anticipated series about the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky affair is tanking in the ratings… with last week’s episode coming in 15th on Cable - tying it with MTV’s show, “Teen Mom”.

- Is it just me or does “Teen Mom” sound like a documentary about Bill’s High School Days in Arkansas?

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A California Fraternity was suspended after 5 women claimed members of the Frat spiked their drinks during a party.

- The Fraternity in question is Phi Kappa Cosby.

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Hundreds of QAnon supporters gathered on the infamous grassy knoll on Tuesday to hear JFK's son, John F. Kennedy Jr. announce that he would be former President Trump's running mate in 2024 - despite having died in a plane crash in 1999.

- Lee Harvey Oswald may have fired the bullets… but these QAnon people have obviously been doing a lot of Shots themselves.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick