With just 54 days until Christmas, Donald Trump's political action committee, Save America, is enticing supporters of the former Prez to donate $35 or more in exchange for "Official Trump Wrapping Paper."

- Not to be outdone, if you donate $100 or more to Prez Biden, you can get “Official Hunter Biden Rolling Papers”.

*****

46 year old Leo DiCaprio dressed as a 100 year old man for Halloween.

- He got the idea by adding up the ages of his last five girlfriends.

*****

HBO is said to be mulling the possibility of bringing back “The Sopranos” to television in 2024.

- Of course it would be different from the Original since the actor who played Tony Soprano is “Sleeping with the Fishes” and the original strippers from the “Bada Bing” can’t “Bing” their “Badas” anymore.

*****

Safeway is the latest major retailer in San Francisco announce that it will close stores at 9pm instead of staying open 24 hours due to out of control shop lifting.

- They don’t care about the crime… they just want to make sure the Shop Lifters are going to bed at a decent hour.

*****

NASA astronauts made “Space Tacos” using Chile Peppers successfully grown on the International Space Station.for the first time ever.

- Did they really think tacos with hot peppers was the BEST CHOICE for dinner in a small, enclosed area filled with men and windows that don’t open??

*****

The Atlanta Braves lead the Houston Astros 3 games to 2 as they head into tonight’s Game 6. It’s the Braves first World Series appearance since 1999.

- To put that in perspective, the last time they were in the World Series, Bill Clinton was President, “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me” was big at the Box Office and there were only two sexes.

******

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Saturday, VP Kamala Harris got her COVID Booster despite being younger than the CDC’s 65 or older rule - because her job requires “Frequent Travel”.

- And by “Frequent Travel”… they mean “Anywhere but the Southern Border”.

*****

Scientists now say that decades of research pointing to Humans being more Optimistic than Pessimistic may be flawed.

- I knew the whole “Glass is Half Full” thing was a bunch of BS. As my mother used to say about me, “Dickie thinks the glass is half full. But it’s half full of Poison”.

*****

The Real Housewives of Dubai is coming to Bravo in 2022.

- It’s perfect for people who want to watch rich women throw glasses of wine at each other in another language.

*****

New Zealand just gave it’s annual “Bird of the Year” award to… a Bat.

- Even the “Woke” people were like, Huh??

- During it’s acceptance speech, the Bat thanks his parents and a bat he knows in Wuhan, China “Who brought Bats into the spotlight this year”.

*****

34,000 visitors at Disneyland Shanghai were locked in the park by staff on Sunday and forced to get tested for Covid before being allowed to leave.

- It’s part of their “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Swab Up Your Schnozz, No Exit-Service” program.

*****

Over 100,000 people attended New York City's famous Halloween Parade Sunday.

- That’s what they thought… but it turns out those 99,000 people dressed up as “Looters” actually WERE Looters.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A man in Ohio spent 40 days building a massive Halloween skeleton out of foam and PVC piping that looks like it’s clutching his house.

- If you need help with YOUR Haunted House… Keep it simple! Do as I do… “Call the Belvedere Construction Company at Tyler 8- 7100, Because They Do Good Work”.

*****

A new study finds that lack of sleep can affect the way you walk.

- If that’s true… I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that John Wayne was an Insomniac.

*****

Webster’s is adding 455 new words to the Dictionary including “Air Fryer”, “Super-Spreader” and “Dad Bod”.

- Isn’t having a “Super Spreader” waistline how you end up with a Dad-Bod in the first place?

*****

Some parents are upset after a female Florida school board member took a group of elementary school children on a field trip to a Gay Bar and posted pictures of the outing on Social Media.

- Read all about it in the new kid’s book, “It’s Okay for George to be Curious about Steve!”

*****

Six months after breaking the world record by giving birth to Nonuplets - that’s NINE BABIES - at a hospital in Casablanca, the proud Mom and Dad are ready to take their five girls and four boys home.

- It’s like the movie! But this time in Casablanca… the Woman said, “Next time, I’ll wear Gray… and you wear a Condom”.

- As the family left Casablanca General, the doctor looked at the babies and said, “Here’s looking at you…KIDS”.

*****

Political insiders said Tim Allen - the longtime voice of Buzz Lightyear has been dropped from the latest spin off of Toy Story because he’s a Conservative. Buzz will be played by an actor known for his liberal views.

- If I were Tim… I’d sue ‘em to Infinity and Beyond.

*****

Happy Belated Birthday to Hillary Clinton who turned 72 this week!

- She celebrated with a Pizza Party at Chuck E Schumer’s.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to CandyStore.com the favorite Halloween candy in Michigan this year is Starburst… with Candy Corn and Skittles rounding out the top three.

- Once again… the traditional Chunky Soup I ladle into the kid’s pillowcases every Halloween doesn’t even make the Top 10.

*****

A new report claims that due to food price inflation, this Thanksgiving will be the most expensive ever.

- And to make matters worse… because of the high gas prices, your relatives are gonna park their camper in your driveway for Turkey Day and stay right through Christmas.

*****

Kellogg's is facing a $5 million lawsuit for not having enough strawberries in its Strawberry Pop-Tarts.

- If we’re going to start looking this closely at breakfast foods… How long before Fiber One is labeled a “Weapon of Mass Destruction”?

*****

Fast Food restaurants are so desperate for workers… some are offering jobs to customers who come in to eat.

- So now they ask if you want “Fries AND $15 an hour with that”

I have been offered a job at a restaurant a few times myself during the labor shortage…True… But I said no. Back when I was in high school I got a job as a short-order cook at a Truck Stop. A couple hours and three burnt coffee pots later… the Owner and the Truck Drivers voted me “Out"!

*****

Taco Bell has added a new “Plant Based Meat” to it’s menu.

- This in addition to the regular “fake meat” they usually serve.

I did try a plant based burger recently. And I gotta tell ya… After I loaded it up with Mustard, Ketchup, Onions, Pickles, Mushrooms, Fat-Free Cheese, and Hot Sauce… It tasted pretty good!

*****

In a related story… The price of Taco Bell Tacos is holding steady.

- Finally… some GOOD NEWS about the price of Gas!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

75 year old Suzanne Somers says that thanks to Hormone Replacement Therapy she has a “great sex life” and that without it she didn’t care about sex and “Would rather have a Smoothie”.

- Boy that must be SOME Smoothie!

- Didn’t she used to tell us that all we needed for a great sex life was a Thigh Master?

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow says her son is “Happy & Proud” that she sells sex toys on her GOOP website.

- Things have certainly changed… I remember being “Happy & Proud” when my Mom made cookies for my Elementary School Square Dance.

*****

The author of the book “Woke Baby!” writes of a race struggle that she says “Starts in the crib”. The book reads in part, “Woke Babies raise their fists in the air. Woke babies cry out for justice”.

- And you thought they just had a poopy diaper.

*****

Outraged Howard University undergraduate students claim they are being forced to live in deplorable housing conditions – with rats, cockroaches, mold, and mushrooms plaguing their dorm rooms.

- Here’s a tip for guys going to College… If you want to live in a dirty run down place with rodents and bugs… Join a Fraternity.

*****

A Caravan of more than 2,000 migrants broke through the Mexican Border City of Tapachula to make their way into the United States.

- This is what happens when Washington gives the thumbs up to a giant game of “Red Rover”. (“Red Rover, Red Rover… Send EVERYONE Over!!!)

*****

A new Airplane survey found that 4 in 10 parents would leave their kids to sit alone in the coach section if they were offered an upgrade to First Class.

- The other 6 leave the kids at home.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The medical journal Lancet says that Climate change is set to become the "defining narrative of human health," triggering food shortages, deadly disasters and disease outbreaks that will dwarf the toll of the coronavirus.

- On the bright side… it’s almost FRIDAY!!!

*****

Disgraced ex-US Rep. Katie Hill who resigned from office after she was caught having a “Throuple” with her then-husband and a female campaign staffer Is pregnant! She’s having a child with her new boyfriend - a former Playboy reporter turned novelist.

- Wait a minute… I could swear I watched a movie with the exact same plot on the Hallmark Channel last night!

*****

A new study suggests dogs can develop ADHD - Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder -making them fidgety, excitable, and loud.

- I thought that’s what made them DOGS.

*****

Hooters servers are complaining that the shorts they have to wear as part of their new uniforms are so small, it look like they're wearing nothing but thong panties.

- Yes, and???

*****

The Taliban have promised free clothes, plots of land and $112 in cash to the family members of suicide bombers who targeted U.S. and Afghan forces.

- That’s quite a retirement package! Too bad you have to be dead to collect.

- Families of the fighters were thrilled saying, like their Suicide Vests, the gifts really blew ‘em away.

******

Hiring experts say prospective employees should never wear Orange to an interview… because it makes you look “flashy” and like you might “

- Especially if your “Orange Outfit” says “Property of Jackson Prison” on the back.

*****

A new report claims Disney is considering getting rid of ESPN.

- So if you want to get sports from Disney… you’re gonna have to wait for videos of Snow White taking the Seven Dwarves Miniature Golfing.

*****

RIP… Ron Rose - a huge force in Detroit Media - has died. Ron started his career - which spanned six decades - as a disc jockey here in Detroit, before opening the legendary Ron Rose Studios where thousands of Radio and TV commercials were recorded over the years. You may not have known Ron’s face… but chances are you knew his deep, resonant voice. He was featured on hundreds of Local and National Commercials plus Hollywood Movie Trailers. Ron was a fantastic guy that Jackie and I both had the pleasure of working with many times.

Our hearts go out to his wife Carla, their three children and five grandchildren.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday…

- Dick

The FDA plans to allow Americans to receive a different booster shot from the vaccine they originally received… So… If you originally got Moderna, you can get Pfizer. If you originally got Pfizer, you can get Moderna.

- Put another way, “If you like your Vaccine… You can KEEP your Vaccine”… but “If you can’t get the Vaccine you LIKE, you can get ANOTHER Vaccine”. I hope that simplifies things for you.

*****

A Washington State fisherman caught an ultra-rare fish during a recent crab fishing excursion - when the Neon-orange, 18 Arm creature got stuck in the crab trap.

- But enough about Joy Behar.

*****

In order to help shore up a lack of employees and increased demand for goods, some trucking companies are teaching High School kids to drive their big rigs.

- Perfect! 18- Wheelers full of gasoline being driven by a kid with a “Student Driver at the Wheel” bumper sticker. What could go wrong??

*****

Palace insiders have confirmed that there’s an unwritten rule in Buckingham Palace that no one in the Royal Family is allowed to go to bed before the Queen… who stays up until Midnight.

- They have a similar rule at the White House… but President Biden won’t let anyone go to bed until he’s tucked in and ready for Matlock at 7:30.

*****

A body language expert says video of a CNBC reporter bouncing her leg and foot and twirling her hair while she interviewed Vladimir Putin shows that she WAS flirting with the Russian Prez… but that he didn’t flirt back.

- So apparently the two won’t be enjoying a “Soviet Union” anytime soon.

- This kind of thing never happened when Helen Thomas interviewed Nikita Khrushchev.

*****

A Los Angeles Realtor is advertising by posting full frontal nude photos of himself inside the houses he’s selling.

- I’m not trying to judge, but I saw one of the pics and it appears the house has a big back yard but not much of a front porch.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Kanye West has officially change his name. He will heretofore be known as “Ye” - with no middle or last name.

- So now instead of Kim saying to their kids, “Listen to your Father”… She just says, “Hear Ye, Hear Ye”.

*****

A woman in Arizona is making headlines for giving birth to a bouncing baby boy named “Finnley” who weighed in at a hefty 14.1 pounds.

- After the doctor slapped the baby’s butt… the Baby slapped his Mom for letting him get that big…but mostly for naming him “Finnley”.

*****

Saudi Arabia has announced plans to convert an Oil Rig into a 150,000 square meter "extreme park" and resort in the Arabian Gulf that will feature 3 hotels, 11 restaurants , a roller coaster, bungee jumping and sky diving.

- This sounds like the Middle East Version of Cedar Point, except on the Merry-Go-Round we ride Horses… They ride Camels.

*****

If you want to vacation at the The Sorrel River Ranch Resort in Utah… pack your parachute. The location is so remote… they fly guests overhead and have them parachute down to the ranch.

- If I want to risk my life on Vacation, I’ll just walk around San Francisco or Portland.

*****

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is bragging about test-firing two Ballistic Missiles from a Submarine.

- Yeah? Well big deal! We’ve got Subway’s “Footlong Chicken Bacon Ranch Sub with Double Meat and Cheese”… that can probably kill you faster than Lil Kim’s Lil Rocket!

*****

According to a new survey, the average American admits to using five different “cleaning shortcuts” while tidying up their home. The number one hack: Misting the room with air freshener instead of actually cleaning or taking out the garbage.

- Which is great if you want your kitchen to smell like “Autumn Leaves” with a hint of last night’s Tuna.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

RIP… Colin Powell has died at the age of 84 from complications brought on by COVID-19 - although he was fully vaccinated. Powell was also being treated for Multiple Myeloma and Parkinson’s Disease.

*****

DC Comics has removed “American Way” from Superman’s slogan… changing it from “Truth, Justice, and The American Way” to “Truth, Justice and a Better Tomorrow”.

- Sounds more like a Presidential Campaign Slogan than a Super Hero Motto.

- I thought “A Better Tomorrow” was something you got from taking Metamucil.

*****

President and First Lady Biden enjoyed their first Date-night dinner at a restaurant over the weekend… with the Prez reportedly dining on Lobster.

- Much like the butter, the President looked drawn.

- Critics complaind about the cost of the meal to tax payers, but the WH pointed out that Biden got the Lobster half-off during the Early Bird Special.

*****

On Sunday, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer suggested that if there are are staff shortages at airports due to the vaccine mandate, Airports should just hire Sniffer Dogs.

- So if you’re planning on trying to sneak drugs through the airport this weekend DON’T hide them in your underwear if you know what I’m sayin’.

*****

Jamie Lee Curtis says her Mother, Janet Leigh would have been traumatized by the "#MeToo Movement.

- Not as traumatized as I was by Janet’s shower scene in Psycho… but still, Pretty traumatized.

*****

Bill and Melinda Gates walked their daughter, Jennifer, down the aisle Saturday Night followed by a reception that cost $2 MILLION.

- If you want to send the happy couple a gift… they’re registered FOR Bed, Bath & Beyond.

*****

RIP… Betty Lynn, the actress best known for playing Barney Fife's girlfriend Thelma Lou on "The Andy Griffith Show” who died Saturday at 95.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A recent OnePoll survey asked 2,000 American parents of children under 10 to weigh in on which “offensive” Halloween costumes they believe should be banned from stores.

- The most offensive costume were “Tickle me Taliban” and the “Sexy Wuhan Lab Worker”.

*****

Police in Ontario released a 9-1-1 call after a man called the emergency line to report he had to pee while stuck in traffic.

- It could have been worse. He could have needed to call 9-2-2.

*****

Walgreens is closing 5 more stores in San Francisco citing “Organized Shoplifting” during the Pandemic - because city policy allows crooks to steal up to $950 worth of merchandise without being arrested.

- UNLESS, of course, the thieves don’t wear A Mandatory MASK during the robbery. That’s when they’ll get jail time.

*****

The trailer for the 5th installment in the “Scream” Horror movie series was released Tuesday - although the movie’s not due in theaters until next year.

- I guess they figure we’ve all got enough to “Scream” about these days without some Movie getting us through the end of 2021.

*****

A robotics company has created a robot dog with a rifle mounted to its back.

- So now you can choose from three kinds of Robot Dogs: A Pointer, a Sitter or a Shooter.

*****

More that 10,000 UAW workers have walked off the job at John Deere after Union and Company leaders failed to reach an agreement.

- The workers announced the strike in a Deere John letter.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Olympic Skater Nancy Kerrigan turns 52 today! To celebrate… Tonya Harding is throwing her a party.

- But don’t tell Nancy! Just like the last time the two of. them met… Tonya wants it to be a surprise!!

*****

This morning, 90 year old William Shatner blasted off into space aboard Jeff Bezos Blue Origin’s Rocket becoming the oldest person ever to make the journey.

- He says he hasn’t been this excited to go “Where no man has gone before” since the time he went on a blind date with Ellen DeGeneres.

*****

The Internet went nuts yesterday after it was revealed that a new video series featuring VP Harris teaching “kids” about Space isn’t exactly what it appears… Turns out the “kids” are actually professional actors who had to audition for the roles.

- Maybe they’re hoping the kids can give Kamala some tips on how to “Act” more Vice-Presidential.

*****

Keith Richards says The Rolling Stones will no longer play their 1971 hit “Brown Sugar” in concert - saying that although the song is about the “horrors” of the slave trade, some people have complained about the lyrics.

- The song was written 50 YEARS AGO - but apparently the Stones fans just sobered up long enough to actually listen to the lyrics.

*****

Southwest Airlines canceled hundreds more flights Monday after the airline was forced to ground nearly 2,000 flights over the weekend, blaming the issues on weather and staffing… but insiders say it’s the result of the Biden Administration’s Mask Mandate.

- If they want to “encourage” passengers to wear masks, why don’t they just have them drop from the ceiling like they usually do?

*****

A new report claims New Jersey election officials are struggling to find poll workers.

- It’s so bad they’ve hired Stormy Daniels to host a “Poll Worker Job Fair”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

For you NCIS fans… Mark Harmon has retired. Last night was his final appearance after 18 years on the show - although we he will stay on as Executive Producer. Harmon’s real life wife of 34 years, Farmington’s own Pam Dawber appeared in the episode as well.

*****

The World Health Organization says that China is denying International Inspectors access to Bat Caves - which they need to determine how COVID originated.

- If they want to get into the Bat Caves… why don’t they just call Bruce Wayne in his Uber/Batmobile? He’ll give ‘em a Lyft.

*****

Monday, DC Comics announced that The new Superman, Jonathan Kent — the son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane — will soon begin a romantic relationship with a male friend as he comes out as Bi-Sexual.

- Clark and Lois find out Jon is Bi when his “Date” shows up for dinner and Jon says, “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! No… It’s my BOYFRIEND, Bob!!!!”

*****

Jon - who is extremely “woke” has already combated wildfires caused by climate change, thwarted a high school shooting and protested the deportation of refugees in Metropolis.

- If he’s so “Woke”… how come we’re still calling him Super MAN??? Shouldn’t he be Super “Person”???

- What next?? By 2030, Superman will fly with a 100% Battery Operated Electric Cape??

*****

Tomorrow 90 year old William Shatner will blast off into space aboard Jeff Bezos Blue Origin Spaceship… and Captain Kirk says he’s “Terrified”.

- But we’ll never know for sure because as you may have heard… “In Space, no one can hear you scream”.

*****

'Jeopardy!" contestant Matt Amodio's historic run ended on yesterday’s show, leaving him with 38 wins - second only to Ken Jennings - and more than $1.5 million in prize money.

- His historic run reminds me of the time I was on Jeopardy… Except for the 38 wins and $1.5 MILLION in prize money part.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Columbus Day… The day we celebrate Christopher Columbus’s voyage across the Atlantic to save BIG at Gardner White’s 12-Hour “You Discovered the New World… You Deserve a Great Night’s Sleep” Mattress Sale!!!

*****

Friday night on “The Tonight Show”, Madonna laid on Jimmy Fallon’s desk, lifted her skirt and flashed the camera.

- But it was no big deal because it was nothing the audience hadn’t seen before.

*****

Archeologists have discovered a 6 MILLION YEAR OLD set of footprints on the Greek isle of Crete.

- You know what they say… Big Feet. Big Fossils.

- Another, smaller set of prints were found nearby - believed to be made by the 1st guys assistant. The 2nd guy obviously had big shoes to fill.

*****

More than 50 years after they split, Paul McCartney has revealed that the Beatles break-up wasn’t HIS idea as many fans thought, but was actually instigated by John Lennon.

- And by “John” he probably means “Yoko”.

*****

Kim Kardashian made jokes about her sisters, her sex tape, and OJ Simpson during her hosting stint on Saturday Night Live… which saw the ratings go up by 23%.

- For those of you not good with math, that comes out to 11.5% per cheek.

*****

A new poll from Figo Pet Insurance found that 3 in 5 people consider their pet to be their soulmate.

- The other 2 in 5 prefer to have a “Soulmate” who doesn’t pee on the carpet.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Andrew Lloyd Webber said he disliked the 2019 film version of his musical “Cats” so much he was “emotionally damaged” and had to buy a therapy dog.

- Personally, I feel “emotionally damaged” every time I watch “Love After Lock-Up” and “Marriage Bootcamp: Hip-Hop Edition”.

*****

Singer Harry Styles finally admitted that his 2019 song “Watermelon Sugar” IS about “the female orgasm”.

- I believe this story comes under the heading “Fake News”!!!

*****

A former female Disney parks employee who used to greet guests while dressed as a Disney character says she was often hit on by married me who tried to slip her their hotel keys.

- Then there was this one time a guy dressed up as a Mouse tried to slip her a Mickey.

*****

Israeli archaeologists have found a rare ancient toilet in Jerusalem dating back more than 2,700 years that they say was designed for “Comfortable sitting, with a deep septic tank dug underneath”.

- They also found an ancient “Squatty Potty” made of stone and a dog-eared copy of the “Sports Illustrated Toga Edition”.

*****

Northwell Health, which employs more than 76,000 people as New York State's largest health care provider, has fired 1,400 of its workers after they refused to get vaccinated against COVID.

- Remember the good old days when all you had to worry about was Keeping up with the Joneses? Now you have to keep up with the Pfizers.

*****

A new study says adults feel happier when surrounded by house-plants.

- This reminds me of my Aunt Beulah who had plants all over her house back in Buffalo. We told her to be careful, but one day the was moving this one plant - I think it was a Rubber Tree - and she fell and broke her hip. Just what made my little old Aunt, think she could move that Rubber Tree Plant? Everyone knows an Aunt, Can’t, move a rubber tree plant. But she had High Hopes! She had High Hopes!

*****

Jamie Lee Curtis admits she’s had Plastic Surgery - but isn’t a fan - saying, “The current trend of fillers and procedures” designed to make us look better on Zoom are “Wiping out generations of beauty”, adding "Once you mess with your face, you can’t get it back”.

- Well I beg to differ... I once had my mustache removed and it GREW BACK! Oh, maybe not as good as my Aunt Beulah’s… but it was still pretty good!!!

*****

Have s great day and I’ll see you back here Friday

-Dick

Scientists say the Moon is moving away from the Earth.

- You know things are bad when even a giant rock that can’t sustain human life wants to move out of the neighborhood.

*****

Some California beaches were forced to close due to an offshore oil spill.

- Experts say it was the biggest oil spill since Kanye West dropped the Coppertone when he was putting sun screen on Kim Kardashian’s back….. side.

*****

An upstate New York couple whose wedding plans were cancelled by travel restrictions at the US-Canadian border ending up saying “I do” at the Quebec crossing so all of their guests could attend.

- The bride wore “Something old, eh. Something new, eh. Something borrowed, eh and Something blue, eh”.

- The guests say the flowers in her Tuque were lovely.

*****

Consumer Watchdog groups say to be on the lookout for products to cost more but actually contain less - which they call “Shrinkflation” - Shrinking Products at Inflated Prices.

- I thought “Shrinkflation” was a new word for what happens to guys when they jump in cold water. (Asking for a friend).

*****

Pop singer Meghan Trainor says she had two toilets installed in her bathroom so she and her husband can “Go to the bathroom together as they grow old and gray”.

- Well isn’t that sweet!

- You know what they say… “The couple that Tinkles together, Wrinkles together”.

*****

A new study finds the Pfizer vaccine loses its effectiveness after 6-months.

- At this rate, we’re all gonna be doing more shots than Charlie Sheen did the night before he went into rehab.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

- Yesterday was “International Toot Your Flute Day”…

- … Proudly sponsored by the fine folks that make Campbell’s Pork and Beans!

******

Speaking of yesterday… Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp suffered a 6+ hour worldwide outage - which meant we didn’t have a blog.

- Mark Zuckerberg said he was “Devastated” that he couldn’t read this blog during the outage… Well that, and the fact that it cost him $7 BILLION.

*****

A study out of the University of Oxford found that a drug used to treat Constipation can also boost a person's Memory after just six days.

- So if you take the pill, it’ll help you remember all the “reading material” you’ll need to take with you for the six days you’ll be sittin’ on the throne.

*****

Clint Eastwood won a $6.1 million judgement against a company in Lithuania that allegedly used his image to imply he supports their CBD products.

- Clint didn’t even have to take the guy to court. He just took out his six-shooter and said, “You've gotta ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”. Clint won… so apparently, the guy WASN’T feeling too lucky.

*****

NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio announced a new $5.7 MILLION initiative, which involves stationing a “Community Guide” at each police precinct to greet visitors at the door in an effort to improve “Customer Service” at Police Stations.

- Kind of like Wal-Mart Greeters… but with Guns.

- They were going to give them badges… but they refused saying, “We don’t need no stinking bahdges”. (With thanks to “Treasure of the Sierra Madre”)

*****

The city of Kabul is facing a blackout because the Taliban didn't pay their electric bill.

- Apparently they don’t have “Auto Pay” on their abacus.

*****

Queen Elizabeth is reportedly spending millions to defend her son Prince Andrew as he faces charges in his sex scandal.

- More proof that no matter how many crowns, scepters or tiaras you’ve got… once you’re a Mom, your a Mom forever!!.

*****

RIP… Henry Baskin - my attorney and good friend for many years who negotiated all of my contracts with Radio Station Owners and General Managers…. Successfully. He always had my back!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

United Airlines is firing employees who refuse COVID shots.

- Apparently, the Skies are only Friendly to Fly if you’re vaccinated.

*****

President Biden made a surprise appearance at Wednesday night’s Congressional Baseball Game.

- But there was controversy when Biden realized that he’d only brought enough Juice Boxes and Orange Slices for the players who promised to vote for his $3.5 TRILLION Bill.

*****

A new survey of 2,000 Americans finds 4 in 10 people have more Do-It-Yourself failures than they do successes.

- The biggest DIY failure of the year still belongs to Jeffrey Toobin.

- Who remembers what Jeffrey did on Zoom? Can I see a show of hands??

*****

According to a new poll, the average person estimates that it takes them 5 hours of trial and error before quitting their project and calling in a professional to help.

- In my case, it’s 4 or 5 MINUTES! (if that).

*****

YouTube announced that they will BAN any video that claims Vaccines - including COVID - are “Ineffective” or “Dangerous”.

- So you CAN’T do that… But you CAN look up “The Funniest Taliban Moment EVER” video. (TRUE)

*****

A new study claims Americans check their smart phones 96 times a day.

- Go ahead. I’ll wait.

*****

90 year old William Shatner is set to blast off into outer space on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket and become the oldest person ever in space.

- This reminds me of one of my favorite TV moments… William Shatner was booked to speak at a Star Trek convention where everyone is dressed up like “Trekkies”… Shatner takes one look down at the audience and says, “Hey People… It was just a TV SHOW! GET A LIFE!!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Black and Tan Hound named "Lou" has broken the Guinness Record for "Dog With the Longest Ears in the World" - with flappers measuring a whopping 13.38 inches.

- His owner says “Lou” also has a big nose, which he "tends to stick in other’s people's business".

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A Palo Alto woman was charged with arson for setting one of California's wildfires... but she claims the fire started by accident when she tried to boil some bear urine to drink.

- Who among us hasn’t started a Forrest fire when we’re boiling some bear urine to drink??

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The President of South Korea is proposing a ban on citizens eating dog meat.

- So if you go to South Korea and you’re in the mood for some Tuna Poodle Casserole… you’re outta luck.

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53% of peoplei n the US say they have artwork of nature and landscapes in their home while just 45% say they have artwork featuring people in their homes.

- Meanwhile, 6 percent have a painting of "Dogs Playing Poker" over their Fireplace.

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A Staten Island dad was busted for secretly filming nude videos of his live-in nanny.

- If this guy ends up in prison, he's gonna need to grow an Au-Pair.

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A Florida woman was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend because he wanted to “Cuddle” with her.

- I’m pretty sure than most women realize that when a man says he wants to “Cuddle” its code for what he really wants to do: “The Horizontal Mambo”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A British Couple were left red-faced when they had to be rescued from their vehicle — after it flipped over during some "rambunctious sex".

- That’s must have been SOME “Rambunctious sex”!

- Do they teach classes in “Rambunctious sex”? (Asking for a friend…)

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A recording of John Lennon singing about his Peace Campaign is expected to bring $50,000 when it goes on sale this week.

- And for an extra $30 Grand… they’ll edit out Yoko’s back-up vocals.

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Things are getting hairy for barbers in Afghanistan, where the Taliban police have banned them from trimming beards and shaving hair because it’s a violation of Islamic law.

- Usually in Afghanistan, "Taking a little off the top"... means more than just “shaving” or “trimming”.

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Great News! Just in time for Halloween, a clothing company has introduced a "Sexy Bernie Sanders" costume.

- Chances are it’s based on the sexy outfit Bernie wore when he and his wife Honeymooned in MOSCOW. (True!)

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Taliban fighters have posted so many pics of themselves at an Afghan amusement park, the countries new Defense Minister has instructed them to “Stop having so much fun”… and "Stop posting selfies" on Social Media.

- They especially enjoy “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”, and takin’ a spin on the Bumper Cars. Unfortunately the “Bumper Cars” are the Military Equipment the U.S. left behind.

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New York City continues to be overrun by junkies shooting heroin in broad daylight.

- If Frank Sinatra was alive today, even HE wouldn't Want to Be a Part of It... New York, New York.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The UN Sec. General said over the weekend that Humanity is on the brink of “Nuclear annihilation” with the threat the highest it’s been in 40 years.

- So we’ve got that going for us!!

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Just before VP Kamala Harris was set to join the ladies on “The View” Friday, two of the hosts were pulled off the air for having “Positive Covid Tests” that turned out to be “False”.

- Kamala was immediately put in charge of finding the “Root cause of False Positives among Talk Show Hosts”.

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United Airlines was fined $2 MILLION for violating Federal Law by keeping passengers trapped on planes for up to 9 hours.

- I know how they feel… I took a trip to Tahiti years ago and ended up stuck on a plane for 22 HOURS. Of course, we WERE in mid-flight at the time.

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Speaking of Planes… Harry and Meghan took a Private Plane back to California after a whirlwind trip to NYC to promote “Vaccine Equity”.

- I’m all for that… but how about some “Private Plane Equity”?

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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's website cares about your mental health... If you stay on the site for more than 20 minutes, a message pops up encouraging you to "Take a Break" because H&M want you to "Limit your screen time”.

-Hey Harry and Meghan... Here's an idea: How about Limiting YOUR Screen time.

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A new survey by the UK’s “Guardian” newspaper found that COVID may have killed our sex lives.

- Well that’s two minutes we’re not gonna get back.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick