President Biden used his one-on-one meeting with British PM Boris Johnson to reprise a story about an Amtrak conductor who supposedly congratulated him for traveling TWO MILLION MILES on Amtrak — even though the conductor died before the event happened.

-Ya think maybe Joe is confusing Amtrak with the Lionel Train he played with as a kid?

*****

Politico - the left leaning Website that dismissed the Hunter Biden laptop Scandal as “Russian disinformation” now says they’ve confirmed the story is true.

- I guess now that the election’s over they have time to get their facts straight.

*****

Taco Bell is test marketing a new “Taco Lover’s Pass” where you get one FREE Taco everyday for 30 days for an upfront fee of five dollars.

- They were going to introduce the “Taco Lover’s Pass” last year at this time, but nobody had any toilet paper.

*****

In a new Disney + Documentary, Dr. Fauci say’s that despite being on TV nearly everyday, he’s a “Modest, humble person” who is actually, “Media Shy”.

- If Dr. Fauci is "Media Shy" them I'm a Super Model.

*****

A new law passed in the South American Country of Colombia will give the countries Workers two days' paid leave if their pets die.

- It doesn't sound like much… but that’s 14 DAYS in Dog Years.

- Cat owners get the better end of the stick… Their owners get two days off for each of Fluffy’s Nine Lives.

*****

A group of Scientists are trying to potty-train cows.

- The hardest part is gettin’ them to sit still when their udders hit the cold water.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Celebs like Milley Cyrus are sporting the latest in Hollywood Hair: “The Wolf Cut”. It’s described as a cross between “The Mullet” and “The Shag”.

- Which is perfect for women who want to look like Carol Brady in 1969.

*****

A 25-year old Florida man was arrested and jailed for DUI after driving the wrong way down the street… on his Wedding Day.

- On a bright note… he must have had quite a Wedding NIGHT.

*****

White House press secretary Jen Psaki said that illegal migrants don’t require vaccines because, and I quote, “They are not intending to stay here for a lengthy period of time.”

- Oh REALLY???

- Sounds like what my ex-brother in law from Buffalo always said when he drove to our house for Thanksgiving.

*****

The White House Press Corp was left shocked yesterday when British PM Boris Johnson answered their questions during a sit-down with President Biden… but the Prez didn’t take take any questions.

- In his defense, Joe COULDN’T answer questions because he left his Magic 8 Ball in his nap room.

*****

A gene editing startup called “Colossal Labs” has raised $15 Million dollars from investors hoping to bring back the Wooly Mammoth.

- WHY???

- If they’re going to bring something back with a lot of hair, why not go with something we REALLY MISS like… Robin William?

*****

McDonald's announced plans Tuesday to phase out plastic toys in its Happy Meals by the end of 2025 and instead will offer playthings made from recycled or bio-based and plant-derived materials.

- I’m not so worried about the toys… it’s what’s in the McNuggets that concerns me.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

P.S. Happy Birthday to Jackie’s son (my Grandson!) Charlie who turns the big 2-0 today!

A new study says only 56% of Americans can name all three branches of government.

- Seriously? I thought everyone new they’re the Executive Branch, the Legislative Branch and Dr. Fauci.

*****

According to a new survey of 2000 people, 43% of Americans say they’re working their “dream job” from childhood.

- When I was a kid, I wanted to be a bus driver. If that had worked out… I’d be the Ralph Cramden of the Buffalo NY-Delaware Avenue Bus Line! “Next Stop: The Anchor Bar for some Chicken Wings!!”

*****

A Walmart worker quit in a profanity-laced tirade over the Louisiana store’s loudspeakers saying, “Attention Walmart shoppers and associates, my name is Beth from electronics. Everyone here is overworked and underpaid. And to Jared, our store manager, you’re a Pervert”.

- Forget the bus driver thing… when I grow up, I want to be Beth from Electronics.

*****

The Mayor of San Francisco was caught on video dancing at a night club WITHOUT A MASK after MANDATING THEM FOR EVERYONE. She defended her actions saying critics are trying to be “The Fun Police” and shouldn’t be allowed to “Micromanage what we do”.

- Because that’s HER Job.

*****

The Vatican is now closing it’s doors to anyone who’s not vaccinatinted.

- HINT: Just say you’ve had the shot, and if they ask to see your Vaccination Card… tell ‘em they should take it on Faith.

*****

Two Japanese sisters have been confirmed as the world's oldest living identical twins and the oldest ever identical twins at the age of 107.

- So guys, if your’e looking for a somewhat mature woman who even has a sister for your friend… call now! This is a limited time offer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Paleontologists say that since many Dinosaurs had armor around their heads and spiked tails, they’re still trying to figure out how the Dino’s had sex.

- Maybe they didn’t. Maybe that’s why they went extinct.

*****

Rapper Nicky Minaj is lashing out at reporters who criticized her for claiming that she knew of someone in Trinidad who’s testicles swelled up after he received the COVID vaccine.

- Why this is just nuts.

*****

Over 25,000 employees at Disneyland in California are suing Disney - saying they can’t survive on the minimum wage they’re paid

- I heard things are so tight when Snow White went to pay the 7 Dwarves, she came up short… And Donald Duck can’t even afford pants.

*****

When someone on social media questioned why President Biden hadn’t commented on the first-ever Civilian trip into Space, Elon Musk tweeted that the Prez “Is still sleeping”.

- Joe is NOT gonna be happy about this when he wakes up.

*****

The city of Portland, Oregon has named a recently completed pedestrian and bicycle bridge after the “The Simpson’s” famous, god-fearing neighbor, Ned Flanders, to promote the goodwill and kindness inherent in the fictional character.

- You can still throw Molotov Cocktails around Portland… but now you have to do it “Nicely”.

*****

A father-to-be in Pittsburgh got into a fight with a woman at his girlfriend’s baby shower and ended up shooting her and two other guests.

- Shocking. This type of thing usually only happens at Gender Reveal Parties.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

*****

President Biden gave a speech to the United Nations this morning, saying that America will “Lead on everything from Covid to Climate”

*****

Melinda Gates will meet with Vice President Kamala Harris Tuesday morning to discuss the world's response to the Pandemic.

- Why not? It’s not like Kamala’s working on anything else.

*****

The United States will soon require foreign travelers entering the country to be vaccinated.

- Unless, of course, those foreign travelers get here by walking in from Mexico.

*****

According to a new survey of 2,000 Americans, 43% of Americans say they’re working their “dream job” from childhood.

- When I was a kid, I actually wanted to be

*****

Ben Affleck is gushing publicly about his girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez, for the first time since rekindling their romance after nearly 20 years, saying he’s “In awe of what Jennifer’s effect on the world is”.

*****

A new study says only 56% of Americans can name all three branches of government.

- Seriously? I thought everyone new they’re the Executive Branch, the Legislative Branch and Dr. Fauci.

*****

Anal sex became the surprise agenda item at a school board meeting in Texas after a mother chastised educators for stocking sexually explicit books in school libraries.

- The books in question was called, “Goodnight to your Moon” and “Curious George gets Freaky”.

*****

A 12-year-old boy is facing charges in New Mexico after he stole a car and led police on a high-speed chase.

-

*****

A survey of 2000 adults in the UK found that after more than a year of being home, the most pressing concern about going back to work at the office is… Going to the bathroom.

-

*****

The Mayor of San Francisco who was caught on video dancing to the 1996 hit “Let’s Get Down” at a crowded nightclub WITHOUT A MASK is taking heat for breaking her own COVID rules… but she say’s critics are trying to be “The Fun Police” and shouldn’t be allowed to “Micromanage what we do”.

- At this point, the only law enforcement in San Francisco are the Fun Police and Officer Big Mac at McDonalds.

*****

A Walmart worker quit in a profanity-laced tirade over the Louisiana store’s loudspeakers saying, “Attention Walmart shoppers and associates, my name is Beth from electronics. Everyone here is overworked and underpaid. And to Jared, our store manager, you’re a Pervert”.

- I’m not usually one for burning bridges… but I like her Moxie!

*****

A volcano erupted on Spain’s Atlantic Ocean Island of La Palma on Sunday afternoon — forcing the evacuation of about 5,000 people from their homes that were threatened by lava flows.

*****

The Vatican is now closing it’s doors to anyone who’s not vaccinatinted.

- Hint: Just tell them you had the shot… and remind them that they should take it on Faith.

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will attend a “Vaccine Equity” event in NYC on Saturday where they’ll “Continue their urgent work with world leaders in the pursuit of global vaccine equity to end the COVID-19 pandemic for everyone, everywhere.”

- These two are such goody two-shoes they make Shirley Temple look like

*****

Two Japanese sisters have been confirmed as the world's oldest living identical twins and the oldest ever identical twins at the age of 107.

- So if your’e looking for a mature woman who “Has a sister” for your friend… call now! This is a limited time offer.

*****

Police in New Zealand arrested two alleged gang associates for breaking COVID lockdown rules after they were found with a car trunk "full of KFC" takeout including three buckets of chicken, ten cups of coleslaw, a large package of fries and four bags of gravy.

- I think the real story her is that they got FOUR BAG OF GRAVY and NO MASHED POTATOES.

*****

A Colorado woman has posted a video of herself singing a classic rock ballad with her Husky.

- It was hard to make out the words, but I’m pretty sure it was something by Three Dog Night.

*****

Monday, the Royal Family announced that Prince Andrew and Fergie’s daughter, Princess Beatrice gave birth to her first child - a baby girl.

- Prince Andrew says he can’t wait to meet his new grand daughter… and is even MORE excited to meet her girlfriends when she goes to high school.

*****

Pop Singer Adelle was spotted twerking on the dance floor at a wedding.

- For those of you who don’t know what twerking is, imagine having an epileptic seizure on the dance floor on purpose.

*****

Apple is reportedly working on new sensor technology that will allow iPhones and Apple Watches to help diagnose depression and cognitive decline in users.

-

*****

A Meteorologist in Marquette was fired from his TV forecasting job after 33 years because he refused the TV stations Vaccine Mandate.

- He thought he would just get a reprimand, but - like with 95% of his forecasts - he was wrong.

*****

Los Angeles Department of Health says the Emmy awards ceremony didn't violate restrictions because the ceremony is “Classified as a TV production and the Stars are considered performers”.

*****

Ultra-Woke Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor, “Change is Brewing” in support of a Squad Members $10 BILLION proposal to replace Police with social workers in some emergencies.

- Great idea guys! I think I’m going to

*****

College Football fans around the country have begun yelling an expletive-laden chant at President Biden at weekend games.

*****

The vice president's office announced that the two will meet at the White House at 9:30 a.m. but offered few details beyond that.

*****

Costco says they’re

A Costco employee says a woman once brought back an empty wine bottle and said she was returning it because it gave her a headache.

*****

The preview for Steven Spielberg’s remake of “West Side Story” is out!

- It’s just like the original, but in the new “Woke” version, instead of Maria, Tony falls in love with Bernardo, Officer Krupke sings “I Feel Pretty” and before the Rumble, half of the Jets and the Sharks take a knee.

*****

Former Prez Trump and Chinese President Xi both made Time’s list of “100 Most Influential People” but were described very differently: Trump as “More of a menace to the Constitution than Nixon” while Xi “Loves his country and his people dearly” and is “very kindly”.

- After reading that… I’d say, “Yes Chicken Little… the sky IS falling!”

*****

In a related story, the UK’s Guardian Newspaper declared the “Sexiest Man Alive" of 2021 is… Dr. Anthony Fauci.

- Proving that ANYBODY can look sexy when they’re behind 14 Face masks.

*****

A Kremlin spokesperson says that Vladimir Putin is “Self-Isolating” after members of his inner circle tested Positive for COVID - but say the fully-vaccinated Putin is “absolutely healthy”.

- Nice to see Putin got the shots. Usually he’s the one ordering them.

*****

According to a new poll, a majority of young people think humanity is doomed.

- Well guess what kids?? The Ball’s in YOUR court!!

****

Sweden report that the sleeping patterns of men may be more sensitive to the lunar cycles of the moon than those of women. and that men may sleep poorly during the first half of the lunar cycle.

- Well this explains why I’ve been tired, moody and a little bloated lately.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner only received 1% of the vote in California’s Recall Election that was won by current Governor Gavin Newsom.

- I guess Caitlyn just wasn’t man enough for the job.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Prince Harry celebrates his 37th Birthday today… and just in time for the festivities, he and Meghan made the list of Time Magazines “Most Influential People” of 2021.

- The articles says H & M “Turn compassion into boots on the ground”… and knowing Meghan, those boots caused about 3 grand.

- Despite their differences, Queen Elizabeth did what she does every year for Harry’s Birthday. She sent him a card with 38 dollars in it… 37 for his Birthday and One to Grow On!

*****

A team of Swedish researchers say that one of the best ways to reduce Anxiety is to engage is some form of physical activity.

- Unless that “Physical Activity” is putting together a dresser from IKEA - which may actually bring on a Panic attack.

*****

The city of Portland, Oregon has named a recently completed pedestrian and bicycle bridge after the “The Simpson’s” famous, god-fearing neighbor, Ned Flanders, to promote the goodwill and kindness inherent in the fictional character.

- You can still thrown Molotov Cocktails around Portland… but now you have to do it “Nicely”.

*****

According to the new book “Peril”, Speaker Nancy Pelosi told the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff that President Trump had a '“Fat Butt” and was “Crazy”.

- If this was 4th Grade… I’d say Nancy had a CRUSH on Donnie!!!

*****

Last night… Broadway shows “Hamilton”, “Wicked” and “The Lion King” opened back up for the first time since closing for the Pandemic, with ticket holders required to prove that they were fully vaccinated and wear masks.

- So the actors were doing “The Lion King”… but the audience looked like the cast of “The Phantom of the Opera”.

*****

The Taliban announced they will allow women to study in Gender segregated Universities.

- What a great bunch of guys.

*****

RIP… Comedian Norm MacDonald who made a name for himself anchoring Saturday Night Lives’s “Weekend Update” died at 61 after a 9-Year battle with Cancer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Squad Leader AOC is being called hypocritical for attending the $30,000-a-ticket Met Gala wearing a designer gown that had “TAX THE RICH” scrolled on the back.

- You can’t spell “Hypocritical” without “A”, “O”, & “C”.

- AOC said she was nervous and no wonder! Just a few years ago she was SERVING drinks at a New York bar… not drinking them.

*****

Critics pointed out that AOC’s dress looked like the Chick-fil-A logo.

- She could have saved a lot of money by just wearing the bag. Plus she would have gotten fries with that!

*****

Halloween is more than a month away, but retailers say costume sales are “brisk” for both kids and adults.

- Jackie was all set to go as Joy Behar… but they were all sold out of Witches hats.

*****

According to a new book by her former aide, Melania Trump had to be woken up to listen to Trump’s speech on election night last year.

- As opposed to Joe Biden who had to be woken up to GIVE his speech on election night.

*****

Madonna’s 24-year-old daughter, Lourdes, hit the red carpet at the Met Gala in a flowing dress… and unshaven armpits.

- So sweet! I guess it’s true what they say. Girls always turn into their Mothers!

*****

Kim Kardashian showed up for the Gala in a completely black suit complete with a black face mask and hood that completely covered her body, face, hair, eyes and mouth - leaving her unrecognizable.

- Kim’s publicist assured us, “It was Her… No Ifs, Ands or Butts”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Bald is Beautiful Day”!

- Which reminds me of a joke that I thought was SO FUNNY when I was a kid… What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hareline. (Sorry… it’s a slow news day).

*****

Burger King announced that it's banning 120 artificial ingredients from it’s food as part of it’s commitment to deliver “Real Food”. It will affect everything from their buns to their ketchup and mustard.

- I’m all in for healthier food… but don’t mess with my Ketchup.

*****

The scorned ex-wife of a Cryogenics-Storage Facility owner broke into the facility and stole a bunch of “Frozen Human Brains” from people who had hoped to “Come back to life” in the future - but the brains thawed and were ruined.

- I thought the thawed and ruined brains were in Washington D.C. serving in Congress.

*****

A Hospital in upstate New York was forced to quit delivering babies after dozens of nurses resigned over the vaccine mandate.

- They can “quit” all they want, but when Push comes to Shove… those women are GONNA give birth. .

- In their defense, the nurses DID wait to quit until after Labor Day.

*****

Meanwhile, a study out of Binghamton University found that women benefit from eating breakfast, moderate exercise , and keeping fast food to a minimum.

- Hey Binghamton…. Tell us some things we haven’t heard before!

*****

A new study claims that 45% of people suffer from sleep deprivation… and that recovering your memory after a lack of sleep takes a lot longer than people realize.

- Case in point… I can’t remember the last time I got a good night’s sleep.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Hallelujah! The View is back from summer break starting it’s 25th SEASON!!

- I came up with a few things I think the ladies can do to make this season it’s best ever!…

1) Have Joy Behar wear a face mask everyday.

2) See #1.

*****

Mercedes has created a car that can read a driver's mind and adjust its controls according to their thoughts.

- They were going to invent a car that can read a PASSENGER’s mind - but it turns out the driver already knows that his wife is thinking he’s driving too fast.

*****

North Korea held a Middle-of-the-Night military parade to mark the 73rd anniversary of its founding with a noticeably slimmed down Kim Jong Un waving to the crowd.

- He may be a maniacal, nuke-happy dictator… but boy can that guy watch his Carbs!

*****

Prince Andrew had a private lunch summit with his Mom, Queen Elizabeth yesterday to discuss strategy as he faces sexual assault allegations.

- And to ask if the Queen will speak at “Career Day” in his girlfriend’s fifth grade class.

*****

Lifetime’s movie, “Harry & Meghan: Escape from the Palace” is being panned on Social Media for making Harry and Meghan “Look like victims”, while Prince William was “The Bad guy” and Prince Charles was portrayed as a “Hapless Fool”.

- I’m sorry I missed it… but I’ve already marked my Calendar for the special Hallmark Channel Movie, “Harry & Meghan: A Very California Christmas!”

*****

Google has launched 'racial equity training' for its employees, with one session asserting that America is based on a 'system of white supremacy' where babies learn to be racist at three months old.

- So it takes almost three YEARS to teach a kid how to go in a potty chair - but they pick up racism in 3 MONTHS??

*****

RIP… Actor Michael Constantine, best-known for playing the proud father in the hit movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," died last week at 94 following a long illness.

- Sadly, there are some things even Windex can’t fix.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The new “Mu” Covid Variant has now been found in every state but Nebraska - which is another reason the CDC is recommending a third “Booster Shot”.

- They’ve even come up with a sure fire way to get people to take the the “Booster”… Introducing “Pfizer’s Pumpkin Spice Vaccine”.

*****

Ettiquette experts at the Emily Post Institute say it’s okay to wear white after Labor Day… and that it’s perfectly fine to wear black and brown together.

- I don’t mean to brag… but I took a lot of heat for wearing brown shoes with a black tux when I interviewed the then Bruce Jenner at the Auto Show a few years back. Check out my shoes! Turns out I was ahead of my time!!

*****

The federal unemployment bonuses enacted for COVID officially ended over the weekend.

- So now people are going to have to make money the old fashioned way… Ask their parents for it.

*****

A new report claims humans will soon use “Smart Toilets” to track health.

- Scientists say it’s the perfect health monitoring tool “For People on the Go”.

- Question: If toilets are so “smart”… why don’t they clean themselves??

*****

Biden Transportation Secretary Pete Buttegieg and his husband were called out for announcing the birth of their two babies by posting a pic of themselves holding the infants while laying in a hospital bed.

- Things sure have changed… In my day, Dad’s weren’t allowed in the room during the delivery. Now, Dad’s aren’t even allowed there for the conception.

*****

Angelina Jolie says she feels traumatized from her marriage to Brad Pitt.

- But not nearly as traumatized as we all are from hearing about their endless divorce.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Have a great Holiday and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

The skeleton of a 66-million-year-old giant Triceratops Dinosaur named “Big John” is up for sale for $1.4 million.

- The last time a Dinosaur brought this much money was when Larry King was paid for doing TV commercials for “Omega XL Joint Supplement”

- When I heard it was “Made from the elusive Green-Lipped Muscle, found only in the pristine waters of New Zealand”… I was sold!!!! Btw… It didn’t work.

*****

In a new poll, 60% of Americans say the U.S. has “seriously gone off on the wrong track.”

- The other 40% are obviously out of their minds.

*****

According to a new survey of 2,000 American women over the age of 30, women feel most confident and comfortable in their skin at age 32.

- Then, like “Certain parts of their skin”… it’s all downhill from there.

*****

China is limiting its teenagers to just three hours of video games per week.

- In a related story… a survey found the most Popular video game for Chinese teens is… “Grand Theft Rickshaw”.

*****

Universal Studios is opening a theme park in China.

- The most popular ride will be “Pirates of the South China Sea”.

- Instead of “The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man” attraction… park guests will line up for, “Mr. Toad’s Wild Wuhan Virus Lab Leak”.

*****

Pierce “James Bond” Brosnan put his Malibu home on the market in September 2020 for $100 MILLION but just took it off the market after it failed to get any offers.

- Brosnan is shaken but not stirred about it.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Yesterday, the Taliban celebrated the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan with fireworks and gunfire.

- They’re also offering great deals on Mattresses during the ”Labor Day/Taliban-Takeover Blowout Sales Event… With the Most Explosive Savings of the Year!!!”

*****

President Biden is still being accused of falling asleep during his press conference with the Israeli prime minister.

- Considering what he does when he’s awake… maybe him taking the occasional nap isn’t such a bad idea.

*****

A Murder Hornets’ nest has been found and eradicated in Washington State.

- It would’ve made more sense if the Murder Hornets had set up shop in Portand, Oregon, not Washington State.

*****

China announced that Children are now only allowed to play 3 hours of video games a week.

- What are they gonna do if the kids break the rules? Send ‘em back to the factory to make more iPhones??

*****

Netflix has secured the global rights to the next installment of the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” horror movie series.

- Well - Get - Out - Of - Town….. Finally, the GOOD news we’ve all been waiting for!

*****

A Wisconsin man was arrested for running around a Lowe’s store with no cloths on, claiming he had a bomb in his pants.

- Question: How’d he have a bomb in his pants if he was naked??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

-

Hollywood is looking to Horror Movies to bring people back to the movies because they’re cheap to make and can easily turn a profit.

- Speaking of that… Three weeks ago I watched part of a 24 hour Marathon of Horror movies starring Abbott and Costello on TCM. The piece de resistance was “Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein” because in that movie, it was not only Frankenstein, but also Count Dracula and the Wolfman. It doesn’t get any better than that… that’s the Hatrick of Horror Movies!

*****

CVS is planning to offer talk-therapy at its stores.

- So you’ll be able to get something OFF your chest… and a jar of Vicks FOR your chest… at the same place.

*****

Disney is preparing to offer four tiers of high-priced annual passes to their theme parks ranging from $399 to $1299 per person.

- It may be a Small World, but it’ll cost you more than a grand if you want unlimited access to it.

*****

A California Teacher is under fire for taking down the US Flag in her classroom because it “Made her uncomfortable” and then making students in her classroom Pledge Allegiance to the Gay Pride Flag instead. .

- How much you wanna bet she’d get FIRED if she said the Gay Pride Flag “Made her uncomfortable”??

*****

President Biden has come under fire for looking at his watch during the solemn ceremony at Dover Air Force Base for the thirteen U.S. troops killed in the terror attack near the Kabul airport.

- In his defense, if Joe didn’t make it back to his basement in time for “Andy Griffith” he wouldn’t know what kind of pie Aunt Bee was taking to the Church Social.

*****

Congrats to Taylor North for winning the LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES!!!! … beating Ohio 5 -2!!! It’s the first time a Michigan team has taken the title since 1959 when it was won by Hamtramck. They’ll be a parade this Thursday, Sept. 2nd at 6pm starting at the Rec Center on Goddard Road and ending at Heritage Park!

- Reminds me of playing baseball in my youth… Well actually, I didn’t play much baseball in my youth - but I did spend a fair amount of time trying to get to first base!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Diana de Vegh - an 83-year old grandmother of 2 who is legally blind and a Therapist in NYC - has revealed that she had a 4-year affair with JFK that began when she was 20 and he was 40 - and vows never to have an affair with an older man again.

- Well… since she’s 83… the chances of that NOT happening are pretty good.

- This reminds me… after my Mother died, my Dad married a woman 28 years younger than him - and a couple of years younger than ME. It sure made the “Step-Mommy/Step-Son Dinner Dance” a little awkward.

*****

Royal Insiders believe that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will fade into obscurity over the next ten years.

- I give ‘em ten more MINUTES.

- I think I speak on behalf of a grateful nation when I say, “Don’t let the door hit you on the butt on your way out”.

*****

Secretary of State Anthony Blinken says the U.S. will retaliate if ISIS-K attacks America or its allies.

- “ISIS-K” sounds like a Breakfast Cereal to me. But one that’s slightly more explosive than Fiber One.

- Which reminds me of one of my favorite lines by the late great comic Dennis Wolfberg who used to appear on my radio show when he was in town. He said: “You cannot eat Fiber One and hold a job

*****

A Mom and Dad in Michigan have been ordered to pay $30,000 to their son to compensate him for his “Extensive Pornography Collection” that they threw out after he left their home.

- The “Woke” Judge also ordered his parents to give the boy a “Participation Trophy”.

*****

According to new research, eating half-a-cup of walnuts each day REDUCES the risk of heart disease and lowers cholesterol by around 8.5%. Last week, they told us that eating a Hot Dog SHORTENS your life by 36 minutes.

- So today, I’m going to have a hot dog with mustard and chopped walnuts. It should only shave about 14 minutes off my life… Talk about a Win-Win!

*****

The Center for Disease Control has issued new language guidelines that aim to get rid of dehumanizing words like “Elderly”.

- So from now on, older people will be known as “Those Discouraged From Buying Green Bananas”.

- Remember when your Mom told you that “Sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you”? Apparently, she was wrong.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

I got a recorded call this morning that said: "This is the US Customs and Border Patrol calling to inform you that our agents have seized a package of Drugs with your name on it. For more... Press 1 Now”.

- Gee I hope they’re their NOT referring to the melatonin gummy bears I ordered online.

*****

A new study suggests that drinking eight glasses of water a day may keep your heart from failing decades later.

- I don’t know about your heart… but it’ll give your Kidneys a run for their money.

*****

Kanye West has done it again… This time he’s asked a court to legally change his name to "Ye".

- That way, he figures if he ever becomes an atheist, they can call him "Oh Ye of Little Faith". (Bada Boom!)

**********

A new report claims Afghan Evacuees are living in squalid conditions surrounded by garbage and rats.

- It's good practice in case they're relocated to Portland, Oregon.

*****

Former NY Gov Andrew Cuomo had to give back the Emmy he won for his Pandemic Press Conferences because of the Sexual Harassment Scandal.

- The lesson here: If you want to hold onto your Emmy… keep might wanna keep your hands off the Golden Globes.

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Delta Airlines announced that beginning Nov. 1st - it will change employees who are still Unvaccinated $200 more per month for health insurance… angering hundreds of their workers.

- Plus, an additional charge of another 35 bucks to check all of their emotional baggage.

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Switzerland just hosted the International Championships of Windsurfing.

- In a related story, Sweden is set to host the "International-Putting-Together-Furniture-with-Indecipherable Instructions-That’s-Going-To-Take-YOUR-ENTIRE-WEEKEND-to-Figure-Out-Championships”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

With surges in the Pandemic, COSTCO is once again LIMITING the amount of Paper Towel and Toilet Paper each person can buy.

Pandemic shopping is back…

So heed my word to the wise…

Costco no longer has Pallets of Stuff you need…

Like Bounty Select-a-Size.

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President Biden's job approval is down to 41%.

- 41% among AMERICANS. 98% among the Taliban.

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Notre Dame is defending it’s Leprechaun Mascot after a survey found it one of the most “Offensive” mascots in College Sports.

- Who found this offensive, AOC?? It must be part of her “Green New Deal”.

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Taliban Spokesman Abdul Qahar Balkhi announced that the Taliban are serious about CLIMATE CHANGE… and set out a list of the terror groups “Eco-Credentials”.

- First on the list: Cut Camel emissions!

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Ben Affleck was spotted shopping for engagement rings for Jennifer Lopez at Tiffany’s in Beverly Hills.

- As the “Voice Over Lady” at all the awards shows would say, “This will be J-Lo’s SEVENTH Engagement ring and her SECOND from Ben!”

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Keeping you up to date in Hip Hop news… The Insane Clown Posse announced their “Farewell Tour”.

- Wow. They’re gonna leave some Insanely big shoes to fill.

- On a bright note… Going to the Clown Posse shows is always great. Cuz just like the old days at the Drive-In movie, you can sneak SO MANY People in each car!

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RIP… Charlie Watts, the longtime drummer for The Rolling Stones has died at the age of 80.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

New York State has it’s first female Governor… At 12:00 am - just one minute after Andrew Cuomo’s resignation went into effect, Lt. Gov Kathy Hochul from Buffalo was sworn in.

- On his way out ,Cuomo told Kathy that he’d always be willing to “Lend her a hand”.

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Some Chick-fil-A locations are closing their dining rooms… again… due to a staff shortage.

- If only they had a Drive-Thru…

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Sean Penn is asking that only moviegoers who have been fully vaccinated from COVID see his new movie “Flag Day” in theaters.

- This from the man who was MARRIED TO MADONNA!!!

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The upcoming TV Series “Impeachment: American Crime Story” will chronicle the infamous affair between President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky - but WILL NOT contain any sex scenes between the two.

- I guess this means we’re not gonna see the Commander-in-Briefs.

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According to a new study conducted by the University of Michigan, for the first time ever, more Americans believe in Darwin’s theory of evolution than those who do not.

- I’m not so sure… If Natural Selection is true, how do you explain all of these Taliban guys were seein’ on TV??

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During a speech in Singapore billed as a “Major foreign policy speech”, VP Kamala Harris never mentioned Afghanistan, but encouraged her audience to “Start Christmas shopping NOW because of Pandemic-related delivery delays”.

- Remember the good old days when the craziest thing you heard about a VP was when Dick Cheney accidentally shot his friend during a Quail Hunt??

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Miguel Cabrera hit his 500th Home Run yesterday… becoming only the 28th player in MLB history to reach that milestone!!! CONGRATS MIGGY!!!

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Barbara Eden of “I Dream of Jeanie” turns 90 today.

- She’s doing great… but at her age, she’s now living in an Assisted Living Bottle.

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According to a Belgian newspaper, a woman has been banned from a Zoo in Belgium after Zookeepers determined that her weekly visits to blow kisses to her “favorite Chimp” were “damaging the Chimp’s relationship with other Monkeys”.

- Sounds like sour Apes to me.

- In a related story… my daughter Jackie once had a crush on a monkey… but his name was Davy Jones.

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Queen Elizabeth has lawyered up and will file lawsuits against Prince Harry and Meghan Markle for “hurtful comments” they’ve made about the Royal Family.

- She called her barrister at the firm of Feiger and Bernstein.

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While former Prez Trump is still Banned… Twitter announced that they will continue to allow the Taliban to Tweet “as long as they DON’T GLORIFY VIOLENCE”.

- Sounds good to me. I guess we’re all set then.

- What a bunch of Twits.

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Paul McCartney threw a star studded bash at his Hampton’s estate this weekend with guests including Jimmy Buffet and Alec Baldwin.

- Jimmy performed a couple songs and Alec was in charge of the Valet Parking.

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RIP… Don Everly of the The Everly Brothers has died at age 84. Don and his brother Phil (who died in 2014) were famous for "Bye Bye Love", "Cathy's Clown," "Wake Up Little Susie”, “Let It Be Me”, “All I Have To Do Is Dream” and many many others. They were a great influence on the Beatles.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick