After a federal judge in Florida struck down a national mask mandate on airplanes and mass transit Monday… Delta, American, United, Southwest, Alaska Airlines and JetBlue are no longer requiring masks.

- Yay!!!!! Now… If they would just PERMANENTLY take out the middle seats… We’d be all set!

Meanwhile, Amtrak and Uber also announced that they’re ditching their mask requirements.

So…. that mean we’ve covered all three forms of transportation. Which also happens to make up the name of one of my favorite movies of all time… “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”!

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According to Customs and Border Protection data, the Border Patrol apprehended at least 23 people coming across the southern border in 2021 whose names are on the Terror Watchlist.

- On a bright note… if any other Bad guys snuck through, they can always call the Feds and turn themselves in on that free phone the Government gave ‘em!

*****

According to a new poll of 2,000 dog owners, 45% believe their dog is in better shape than they are.

- Well they should be! People pay good money to hire other people to take their dogs on walks!

*****

A new poll finds that 58% of adults in the UK believe that their life choices will send them to hell.

- And 99% of people in Britain think Prince Harry’s romantic choices already have him living there.

*****

Parents in Austin Texas are upset after someone dressed as the Easter Bunny gave away condoms to children at an Elementary school there.

- Police have asked the unidentified Bunny to come forward and identify themself… but so far, they haven’t heard a peep.

*****

According to a new survey of people who had flings while on Vacation, Scots have been voted the “World’s Best Lovers”.

- Well, yeah… Do ya think the fact that EVERYBODY’s wearing a Skirt has something to do with it??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A Florida woman is accused of attacking her father after he opened an Amazon package addressed to her and found a sex toy inside. Police have charged her with Assault and Battery.

- Specifically… Assault and Two AA Batteries.

*****

Jennifer Lopez told the NY Post that she was completely naked in a bubble bath when Ben Affleck proposed.

- O…… M…… G…… !!!!!!! That’s EXACTLY what I was doing when I got engaged!!! What are the chances of THAT??

*****

Speaking of the Royals… Rumor has it Harry and Meghan are shopping for an apartment near the United Nations building in New York City.

- Which is PERFECT! Because if anyone knows about building relationships with leaders of foreign countries… it’s Meghan Markle!

*****

Julian Lennon sang his father John Lennon's "Imagine" for the first time ever during a fundraiser for Ukraine.

- And in an effort to get Putin to call-off the war, the Ukrainians pointed their phones towards Russia and blasted a “Yoko Ono’s Greatest Hit’s” marathon.

*****

The Cracker Jack brand is introducing a female focused line of snack packs called "Cracker Jill."

It’s just like the Original Cracker Jack… But when you get to the bottom, there are no nuts and no prize.

*****

An Irish woman says she was hospitalized with a burst appendix after holding in her “wind” around her boyfriend for two years.

- And we thought WE were paying a high price for Gas…

- I think I saw a movie about this once - starring Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton… “Something’s Gotta Give”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s “Thomas Jefferson Day”! For most of us, it’s the day we celebrate one of the greatest minds in American History… the man who wrote the Declaration of Independence. And for those suffering from “Wokeness”… it’s another great day to tear down a statue.

*****

Authorities in Spain are investigating a business man who was found in possession of a 1,000-piece black-market Taxidermy collection.

- For those of you who don’t know what “Taxidermy” is… It’s when you take a taxi to an appointment with your dermatologist.

*****

While he was giving a speech on Infrastructure in Iowa yesterday, a bird pooped on President Biden’s suit coat.

- Well, as they say, S*** happens.

*****

At a rally in North Carolina, Donald Trump suggested that he is “Perhaps the most honest human being” ever created.

- NOTE FROM JACKIE: Obviously “The Donald” has never met my ex-husband.

*****

Sweden will reportedly apply for NATO membership today in a move set to infuriate Vladimir Putin by expanding the US-backed security alliance's presence on Russia's borders.

- Vlad’s already mad at Sweden because he can’t figure out how to put together a bunch of tanks he bought at IKEA.

*****

RIP… Gilbert Gottfried… rough-voiced Comedian, “Aladdin” star, and one time voice of the AFFLAC Duck has died after a long battle with a rare form of Muscular Dystrophy at 67.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Economic numbers released this morning show that Inflation ballooned by 8.5% in March, the fastest rise since January 1982.

- That’s the fastest inflation since Pamela Anderson got her first boob job.

*****

On Monday’s episode of “The View”, Joy Behar announced that - because she’s off filming a movie - Whoopi Goldberg will be “Missing” from the show for a while.

- It’s an Easter MIRACLE!!!

- Hey… why don’t put our heads together and write a movie script that JOY can be in… so she’ll be “Missing from the show for a while too! Say a remake of “The Taming of the Shrew”?? Just a suggestion…

*****

According to a new survey, 7 in 10 Dog owners claim they can read their furry companion’s minds.

- I don’t mean to be a naysayer, but you don’t have to be “The Amazing Kreskin” to figure out that incessant barking and clawing at the backdoor means “I have to pee”.

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The study also found that most dog owners believe they know their pets so well that a majority consider calling their canines “Mini-Me”.

- And if you’ve a man whose lost a lot of hair and your wife has started calling you “Mr. Bigglesworth”… it’s probably because she thinks you look like Dr. Evil’s hairless cat.

*****

New research found that mushrooms can communicate to each other using WORDS.

- Turns out mushrooms even SWEAR… with their favorite expletive being “Shiitake”.

*****

Kim Kardashian says that her soon-to-be-ex-husband Kanye West wanted to give up his singing career to become…. her full time Fashion Stylist.

- You know what they say, “Behind every great woman… is a great behind”. That has nothing to do with the story… it’s just what they say.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s National Pet Day! So if petting is your thing… today is perfect for some Heavy Petting!

*****

A new study claims that fish can add.

- See kids? That’s what happens when you stay in School.

*****

According to a new study… more people are swearing at work. While in 2020 - a majority of people on Zoom calls talked about “Gratitude”… now more are swearing and dropping F-bombs.

- It’s about damn time!

- Hey… you gotta hand it to people. At least they haven’t gone “Full Jeffrey Toobin”…. Yet.

*****

The US Postal Service has suspended services in a neighborhood in Santa Monica, California because of repeated human attacks on mail carriers.

- Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan should make a movie about it called… “You Don’t Have Mail”.

*****

Newly revealed texts show that Hunter Biden frequently covered expenses for his parents, Joe and Jill Biden.

- Apparently he put Joe and Jill on his insurance plan because he had better Prescription Drug Coverage.

****

Jussie Smolett has released a new song proclaiming his innocence. (TRUE!!!)

- I don’t know what it’s called, but it should be a remake of Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”.

- Or maybe Jussie could put his own spin on Frank Sinatra’s classic… “I Swear I Was Attacked By Two Strangers In The Night”. (“Do be do be do…” or as Jussie would say, “Do ME do ME do…”)

FYI… On this day in 1966 Sinatra did record “Strangers In the Night”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Burrito Day!” It also happens to be “National Making the First Move Day”… If you celebrate both… The first move you’ll be making is towards the bathroom.

*****

Paleontologists have found the fossilized leg of a dinosaur in North Dakota they say was killed when an Asteroid hit the Earth 66 MILLION YEARS AGO… wiping out the Dinosaur population.

- They know it was from that time, because they also found a fossilized cup of coffee and a newspaper with the Headline: “Lions Lose to Triceratops Late in 4th Quarter”.

*****

China warned it would take “Strong measures” that would severely impact US-Chinese relations if Nancy Pelosi follows through with a trip to Taiwan reportedly planned for next week.

- Apparently Nancy found a new salon in Taiwan that does a “Cut, Color, Mani & Pedi Combo” with a free Egg Roll & Bottomless Saki!

And speaking of Saki… WH Spokesperson Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House to host a TV Show. .

- It’ll be a game show called “To Tell The Truth”.

*****

Skippy has recalled 161,000 pounds of peanut butter over concern some jars could contain small pieces of stainless steel.

- Apparently, the Peanut Butter and Shrapnel Sandwiches didn’t go over as well as they’d hoped.

*****

Airbus has announced the world’s largest passenger airplane has completed a test flight powered by cooking oil.

- The flight was operated by SouthWesson.

- For the the health conscious, they are planning flights to Italy run on Olive Oil.

- For those looking for an even healthier way to fly, there’s a “Frequent Air Fryer-Flyer Program”.

*****

A new study shows that feeding Hemp to Cows helps them relax.

- Udderly.

- Question: If a Cow is kind of stressed and kind of relaxed… will it give Half and Half? (Bada Boom!)

*****

Disney has named a former Hillary Clinton campaign official to be its top spokesperson.

- Rumor has it… the official is actually Bill… whose first suggestion was to install a Hooter’s restaurant inside Disney’s “Hall of Presidents”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to new research, 47% of Americans don’t know the names of all four of their Grandparents.

- Are you kidding me?? It’s Grandpa, Grandma, Grandpa & Grandma. How hard is that??

*****

Veterinary Scientists believe that the muscles in dogs faces have evolved over the years to let them communicate their feelings more effectively to their owners - and that they’ve even developed “Puppy Dog Eyes” specifically to manipulate human emotions.

- Oh yeah? If dogs are so smart, how come they still chase their tails and drag their butts across the carpet??

*****

A Middle School teacher in Texas was fired for “torturning” her students by blasting a video of a high-pitched dog whistle for 40 minutes to punish her students for some unnamed infraction.

- On a bright note… At least she didn’t have sex with any of her students… As far as we know!!

*****

The Pentagon has released a previously classified document describing effects reportedly suffered by victims of “Alien Abductions” over the years including “Burns, paralysis, pain, rashes, amnesia, time-lapses, and sexual encounters”.

- They say the “Burn’s, paralysis, pain, rashes, amnesia and time-lapses” are eerily similar to the list of effects reportedly suffered by people who had “Sexual Encounters with Madonna”.

*****

Meghan Markle is attempting to trademark the word “Archetypes” - which first appeared in the English language 470 years ago - after deciding to use it for the title of her new podcast on Spotify.

- I think there are some words that have been around even longer than that, that the Queen might wanna Trademark to use when she talks about Meghan.

*****

President Biden has nominated Coast Guard Admiral Linda Fagan to be the first Woman in Charge of a branch of the US Military.

- Oh…. So NOW they know what a WOMAN is???

*****

RIP…. Bobby Rydell, the teen idol from the ’60s known for songs like “Wild One” & “Volare” and his role as Hugo Peabody in the 1963 movie “Bye Bye Birdie,” has died from complications of pneumonia at 79.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

We all know someone who doesn’t like to be without their cell phone… but did you know there’s an actual name for it? “Nomophobia” is described as “The fear of being without a mobile device”.

- I don’t mind being without my smart phone… but I’ll admit I’ve still got a touch of “Flipophobia” - the fear of being without my trusty Flip Phone that I finally had to get rid of when I went swimming with it in my bathing suit pocket. (NOTE: If you want to amaze people and tell them that you can talk underwater - just have them close their eyes, keep your head ABOVE water, put your index finger up to your lips, hum and go “bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb” while flapping your finger up and down on your lips. Your welcome.)

*****

Whoopi Goldberg says Will Smith’s career shouldn’t be affected by what he did to Chris Rock at the Oscars and that there is “absolutely a path back for him”.

- And if he doesn’t get any dramatic movies… he can always go for Slap-Stick roles.

*****

Joe and Jill Biden will host a wedding celebration at the White House for their granddaugher Naomi - daughter of Hunter - when she gets married next November.

- Joe and Jill will provide the alcohol… and Hunter will bring the Pepsi and Coke.

*****

Hilaria Baldwin penned a lengthy tribute to her husband Alec in honor of his 64th birthday on Sunday telling him to “Dial down the negative” and “Live life…. despite having suffered incredible pain”.

- Not as much pain as the woman he shot… but still, a lot of pain.

*****

Former Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin announced that she's running for Congress in Alaska.

- They should make her Ambassador to Moscow so she can keep her eye on Putin… because, you know… she can see Russia from her house!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

RIP… Estelle Harris who played George Costanza's mother on “Seinfeld” died Saturday at the age of 94. One of my favorite Seinfeld scenes is where she’s in the hospital and asks George to go to the cafeteria to get her something to eat. George reaches in his pocket and says… “Here Ma, have some TicTacs!”… because he wants to watch a woman behind a curtain get a Sponge Bath. It’s in my Top 10… No Contest!

*****

The 64th Grammy's - Music’s biggest night - went off without a hitch in Vegas last night.

- There were lots of Hits…. but zero Slaps.

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President Biden accidentally referred to his wife Jill Biden as Barack Obama's VICE PRESIDENT during a speech on Saturday… which was immediately corrected by the White House.

- Do you think maybe JILL would take Kamala’s place and go down to the Southern Border if Joe asked her……. nicely?

*****

According to a new survey, Americans are so uncomfortable with their financial situation, they’d rather watch a scary movie (30%), speak in front of a large audience (27%) or sit in two hours of traffic (28%) then even THINK about finances.

- And you can take that to the bank!

*****

A spokesman for the Secret Service told ABC News that the Feds are shelling out $30,000 a month to rent a Spanish-style estate in Malibu -with six bedrooms, six baths, a spiral staircase, a pool and a spa - all so they can “protect” Hunter Biden and his family who live next door.

- And you don’t even want to know HOW MUCH they’ve spent on Hunter’s Artwork.

*****

A 60 year old man in Germany got NINETY COVID VACCINATION SHOTS in order to sell forged vaccination cards - with real vaccine batch numbers - to people who didn’t want to get the jab themselves.

- The man is said to have suffered no bad effects from the shot…. and Dr. Fauci says it’s not to early for him to consider getting a Booster!

*****

NBC is being criticized for airbrushing photos of transgender swimmer Lia Thomas to make the former-Him-now-allegedly-Her appear more feminine.

- I get the impulse… but if they wan’t it to work, they shouldn’t have hired Bea Arthur’s Make-up Artist.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Palace insiders say Harry and Meghan looked “Petulant and Rude” for skipping Prince Phillip’s Memorial Service this week and that they “Missed an opportunity” to “Build Bridges”, and ultimately further upset the Queen.

- So it’s true!!! London Bridge HAS fallen down. Fallen down. Fallen down. London Bridge HAS Fallen Down… My POOR Lady!!!

*****

The Hollywood Film Academy said that they asked Will Smith to leave the auditorium after he rushed the stage and slapped Chris Rock during Sunday night’s Oscars, but “He refused”… so they let him stay and gave him the “Best Actor” Oscar.

- Of course they did! That’s what I always did with my daughters. “You are not allowed to fight your sister! You’re going in a Time-Out”. They’d say, “No I’m Not!” And I’d say… “Oh…Okay!!!! … Here’s a new bike!”

*****

Jim Carrey called out the stars in the audience who gave Will Smith a standing ovation when he won his “Best Actor” statue less than an hour after slapping Chris Rock.

- Pretty smart for a guy who stared in “Dumb & Dumber”.

*****

Actress Zendaya revealed that she did her own makeup for the Oscars.

- She wasn’t the only one. Will Smith did the same thing. He slapped on some foundation too…. on Chris Rock.

*****

Scientists in Switzerland have developed plant-based steaks from pea protein that accurately imitates the marbling of real steak by making “streaks of white fat” out of an “oil in water emulsion”.

- My mouth is watering after hearing this! But I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gonna throw up…

*****

A Florida man was arrested for drug possession after police found him trapped inside a Porta-Potty.

- I think he’s more than paid his debt to society. If anything screams “Cruel & Unusual Punishment” it’s an hour trapped inside a Porta Potty.

*****

Good news! New research found that eating two or more servings of Avocado a week can cut the risk of heart disease by 20%.

- So now we finally know the answer to the age old question “How are things in Guacamole?” - uh, “Glocamorra”!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Professor of History at Temple University who specializes in “Ufology” (The study of UFO’s) claims Aliens are currently abducting humans and using mind control techniques to integrate themselves into Earth’s societies in preparation for an impending invasion.

-So if the Ukrainian thing doesn’t work out for Putin… he can always form an alliance with the Aliens.

*****

Alec Baldwin’s wife Hilaria announced that although they thought their family was complete with six kids… She’s pregnant with the couples 7th!!!

- Wait… I thought Alec was her 7th child??

*****

74 year old O.J. Simpson tweeted that Will Smith was “Wrong” for slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars… but that he “Understood the feeling” - having “Wanted to ‘B**ch slap the comedians” who made fun of him during his murder trial.

- But he didn’t do it, cuz as his attorney would say, “Even if you Snap… You must not Slap!!!”

*****

Disney's Diversity and Inclusion Chief said that theme park visitors are no longer addressed as “Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls” but are welcomed instead as “Dreamers and Friends”.

- Okay…. But how do we know which bathroom to use??? Are we “Dreamers” or “Friends”??

- I don’t mean to be a Dumbo here… but come on!

*****

The NFL says that every team must have a Minority Offensive Coach this season.

- They got the idea from the Lions… who at 3-13-1 this season - have a history of Offensive Coaching decisions.

*****

87 years after it hit the Silver Screen, the Tin Man's Oil Can from “The Wizard of Oz” sold for $250,000 to an unnamed bidder at an auction in California.

- Do you realize for $250,000 that guy could have filled up his tank with 59,665 gallons of gas??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The World’s first “Space Hotel” is set to open high above the Earth’s atmosphere in 2027 and promises to offer visitors the chance to do things “YOU CAN’T DO ON EARTH”.

- Whoo Hoo!!! We’re gonna have to fly to Space to rent a hotel room… BUT we’re gonna get ourselves some $3 Gas!!!

*****

Ratings for Sunday night’s Academy Awards were the second lowest in the show’s history.

- So Chris Rock’s face wasn’t the only thing to take a hit.

*****

Ticket prices for Chris Rock’s “Ego Death World Tour” Comedy Show have skyrocketed from $46 to more than $400 following the incident with Will Smith at the Oscars.

- Imagine how much he’d get per ticket if he’d made a joke about ALEC BALDWIN’S WIFE… and actually SURVIVED!!!

*****

Meanwhile Whoopi Goldberg, who serves as the governor of the Academy’s Actors branch, explained on “The View” Monday that while Will Smith will suffer some consequences for slapping Chris Rock, the Academy WILL NOT take away his Oscar.

- If they really want to make Will suffer, they’ll lock him in a room for an hour with Joy.

*****

A new study shows Oklahoma is among the most stressed-out states in the country.

- So despite what we’ve heard in the Song from the Musical… Oklahoma is NOT… “OK”.

- In fact… I heard Judd was so stressed he had a heart attack. Yes… Poor Judd is dead.

*****

Bill Maher said on his HBO show that Ukraine's President Zelensky is a "Man's-man" that turns women on.

- Well… he’s no Kim Jong Un, but who can explain women’s taste??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

“CODA” took home the Oscar for Best Movie at the 94th Annual Academy Awards last night… but the real show stopper was Will Smith who went up on stage, slapped Chris Rock after he made a joke about Smith’s wife Jada Pinkett Smith - then lobbed several F-Bombs at the Comedian.

- Celebs in the audience were STUNNED. Or at least they looked stunned. It might have just been all the plastic surgery.

*****

On this day in 1977 the Academy Award for “Best Film” went to “Rocky”.

- So now we’ve gone from giving awards to movies about fights… to fights at awards shows about movies.

- NOTE: The whole thing - including the F-Bombs - was on ABC which is owned by Disney… OOPS.

*****

The White House Press Team scrambled to issue a clarification after President Biden seemingly called for someone to take-out Vladimir Putin during his speech in Poland.

- The White House says Biden wasn’t talking about “Regime Change”… he just wants to send Will Smith to Moscow to slap some sense into Putin.

*****

In an effort to make our military more inclusive, the U.S. Marines have approved two-tone nail polish and longer hair for female marines.

- And they’re changing their slogan to: “We’re Looking for a Few Good Manicurists”.

*****

New research from Massachusetts General Hospital, MIT and Harvard says the despite what we’ve been told about the health benefits of “Moderate” alcohol consumption… even ONE GLASS OF BEER OR WINE A DAY is linked to an increase in Heart Disease.

- What a bunch of party poopers.

*****

A new survey shows that largely because of rising crime, New York City lost 7% of its population last year.

- People said they wanted to live somewhere they felt safe walking the streets… like, you know… Ukraine.

*****

Congratulations to Huel Perkins and Monica Gayle who retired Friday after 25 years together on Fox 2 News! Two terrific talents and equally terrific people!!! I wish them all the best in their retirements!!!

Speaking of that… Big Al called me over the weekend to remind me that last Saturday - the 26th - marked the 12th Anniversary of my retirement after 45 years on the radio in Detroit. I had totally forgotten! Time Flies when you don’t have to get up at 4:30 every morning!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Disney Park in Shanghai has closed due to rising COVID cases in the country.

- Disney Shanghai is just like Disney in America… except in China most people have to put socks in their shoes when they get a yen to ride “Space Mountain”.

*****

A gang in Beverly Hills made off with $5 MILLION in jewelry in just 30 seconds during a brazen Smash-and-Grab heist using sledgehammers in broad daylight yesterday.

- Before the police start looking for criminals… remember… the Oscars are coming up this weekend. The ladies need necklaces to go with those expensive gowns!

*****

Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson raised eyebrows when she said she was unable to define the word “Woman” because she’s “not a Biologist”.

- I’m confused… Women have two X chromosomes. Men have one. Didn’t Fauci and the Biden Administration spend the last year telling us to FOLLOW THE SCIENCE???

*****

Hillary Clinton - who is Quarantining after testing positive for Covid - asked Twitter users for recommendations for shows and movies to watch while she’s home.

- Apparently Bill’s been watching “Say Yes to the Blue Dress”… but Hillary’s just not into it.

*****

Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend Pete Davidson has cancelled his trip to outer space.

- I guess he figures if he wants to get closer to the Moon… all he has to do is turn over.

*****

A new app in Wyoming alerts people to the location of roadkill that they can collect and eat.

- If this sounds interesting to you… check out “PlentyOPossum.com”.

*****

It’s National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day… Call me a Goober… But I love Raisinettes!

It’s also National Cocktail Day!

So I guess my dinner plans are all set for tonight… A Raisinette Martini…. Cheers!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s National Puppy Day! The Day we celebrate our young, four-legged furry friends who spend their days running around in a circle and peeing on the carpet!

*****

During the second day of her Senate Confirmation Hearings, President Biden’s Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson refused to define the word “Woman” because she's “Not a biologist”.

- Which reminds me of the words of former Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart when asked to define Pornograhpy. He said that he may not be able to define it, but - quote - “I know it when I see it”.

*****

Hillary Clinton announced that she is experiencing “Mild, cold-like symptoms” after testing positive for COVID… but that Bill has tested Negative.

- Which is the exact opposite of how Virus test results usually come back in the Clinton Household.

*****

As the war in Ukraine continues… a Kremlin official says Russia’s President Vladimir Putin plans to attend the G20 summit with other World Leaders in the Fall.

- And you thought YOUR Thanksgiving dinner was going to be Awkward.

*****

A new report reveals that the sequel to “Godzilla vs. Kong” will start filming later this year in Australia.

- But in this version, Godzilla’s a giant Kangaroo and Kong is a huge Koala Bear who fight to the death for a Genetically modified Bloomin’ Onion from Outback Steakhouse.

*****

Police are on the hunt for a driver seen in a viral video jumping a Tesla over a hill and crashing it into two parked vehicles.

- Environmentalists are calling for the death penalty… but of course they want the ELECTRIC chair because it’s better for the Environment.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott announced that they are changing their baby’s name from“Wolf” to an as yet unidentified name.

- Boy those Kardashians change their kids names like most people change their underwear. I’d say like THEY change THEIR OWN underwear… but they don’t WEAR any.

*****

Researchers at the University of Essex in the UK claim that the most boring hobby in the world is… SLEEPING.

- How can they tell?

- All I can say is, I’d give my right arm to be bored for eight hours straight.

*****

A toy company created Lego-like figures of Ukrainian President Zelensky and Molotov cocktails and sold them online to raise money for Medical Aid for victims of the invasion. The toys sold out in a matter of hours.

- Not to be outdone, they’re also going to release a Kamala Harris “IN-Action Figure” of her laughing and NOT going to the Southern Border.

*****

An iconic Andy Warhol portrait of Marilyn Monroe is headed to Christie’s in New York later this spring for $200 MILLION It’s part of a series of “Shot Marilyn” portraits made famous after a gun-toting visitor fired a shot into a stack of canvases in Warhol’s studio in 1964.

- Alec Baldwin was only 6 in 1964… but apparently he was a pretty good shot.

*****

As crime continues to rise in LA, Celebs are shelling out as much as $1 MILLION for “Panic Rooms” - secret luxury spaces where the well-to-do can hide if there home is hit by thieves - with one even featuring a tunnel that leads to the beach in Malibu.

- Because if there’s one thing celebs hate more than getting robbed… it’s getting robbed of a killer tan.

*****

A Japanese start up company backed by Sony is working on Artificial Intelligence technology that will allow humans to experience real life pain in virtual reality. Scientists behind the project say wearing a simple wrist band will allow you to feel everything from “Getting pecked by a bird” to “Getting beaten up” all in the comfort of your living room.

- Jussie Smolett was like, “And you couldn’t have come up with this two years ago??”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

IT’S SPRING!!!

Spring has Sprung… the Grass is Riz…

I Wonder where the Flowers Is…

Spring has Sprung… The Grass is Growing.

Shovel no more… Commence with the Mowing!!!

*****

In honor of Spring’s arrival… it’s FREE CONE DAY at Dairy Queen! Everybody gets a free small vanilla cone. Now I’m in a quandary. Do I get the free cone??? Or my usual Peanut Buster Parfait?? Or my second-favorite Snickerdoodle Cookie Dough Blizzard?? In the interest of full disclosure for a long time I thought a “Snickerdoodle” was one of those fancy new dogs.

*****

The White House is NO LONGER considering the idea of sending out Gas Cards to help Americans offset rising costs.

- I guess they figure if we want cheap gas it would be easier to just eat at Taco Bell.

*****

A school district in Colorado announced that starting in 2026, it will to do away with Valedictorian awards at its high schools - because recognizing the high academic achievement is “outdated” it makes people who don’t do as well “feel bad”.

- Then I say I say we give the school district an “E” for Effort!

*****

Opponents of Vladimir Putin in Ukraine, Russia and Belarus are demanding that Switzerland expel Putin’s “longtime lover” Alina Kabaeva who is said to be in hiding in a luxury villa there saying, “It’s time to reunite Eva Braun with her Fuhrer”.

- Dontcha just love a good old fashioned War-Time Love Story?

*****

The Maury Povich Show is FINALLY ending after a three-decade run on television.

- Network execs gave Maury the bad news by saying, “In this envelope… we have the DNA results of the future host of this time slot… And… It’s NOT YOU”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Top of the Mornin’ to ya on St. Patrick’s Day! An Irish gentleman used to call me every St. Patty’s Day and ask me, “Why did the Irish woman only put 239 Beans in her Bean Soup?”. And I’d say, “I don’t know”. And he’d say, “Because one more… and it would have been Two Farty!“

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And in this age of Diversity… although they weren’t Irish… today, we also salute two of my favorite performers, the Schmenge Brothers - SCTV’s John Candy & Eugene Levy! The Boys always celebrated St. Patrick’s Day in their home country of Leutonia by performing one of their big Polka hits - which I listen to every St. Patrick’s Day - - “Cabbage Rolls & Coffee” Mmm Mmm Good!!!!!

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In response to sanctions… The Kremlin is now demanding the U.S. return Alaska to Russia.

- What took ‘em so long??

- I say Nome Way!!!

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A close friend of Meghan Markle’s says Prince Harry “will go out of his way'“ to not criticise the Queen in his bombshell memoir that’s set to come out next Fall and instead wants to “Celebrate” their close relationship.

- Sounds like SOMEBODY wants to make sure he’s still in the WILL.

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Jussie Smollett was release from jail Wednesday night. after serving just six days of 150-day sentence after an Appeals Court voted 2 to 1 to let him out while his conviction is being appealed.

- Is there anything this guy can’t Beat?? (Or pay someone else to Beat for him??)

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A tech start up company in London has created an “Invisibility Shield” that redirects light particles to render object or people behind the Shield “Invisible”.

- Any chance the “Invisibility Shield” is big enough to cover the entire cast of “The View”??? (Asking for a friend…)

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Hotel industry experts say things are getting back to normal as the Pandemic winds down - with one exception: Housekeeping. They say that most hotel chains have given up on making your bed everyday and if you don’t want wet towels on the floor, you’ll have to hang ‘em up yourself.

- What’s next? Motel 6 Won’t leave the light on for us anymore?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

USA TODAY announced its “Women of the Year,” and one of their winners was the Assistant Secretary of Health and Human Services, Rachel Levine, a biological man.

- Some found the move controvercial, but apparently, She’s the whole package.

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The Senate on Tuesday approved a proposal to make Daylight Saving Time permanent… If it’s passed by the House and signed by President Biden, we’ll never have to turn our clocks back an hour in the Fall again.

- Well… It’s about Time!

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Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend, SNL cast member Pete Davidson will head into Space on Jeff Bezos Blue Origin Rocket next Wednesday.

- Makes sense. When you’re dating a Kardashian, you have to get CREATIVE if you want to “Go where no man has gone before”!!!

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A woman in New York City is accused of holding a date she met online hostage, torturing him, and demanding $100,000 for his release.

- And to think my Mother grounded me once when she overheard me ask one of my dates if we could go “Dutch”.

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A Dentist in Wisconsin is facing Prison time for drilling holes in his patients healthy teeth so they would break and he could charge them exorbitant fees to put in Crowns.

- This is the biggest financial rip-off involving Crowns since Prince Andrew got the Queen to pay $$$ for his Sexual Harassment lawsuit.

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An American astronaut WILL get a ride home from a Russian Spacecraft despite Russia threatening to leave the only American on the International Space Station stranded in Space while bringing the two Cosmonauts home.

- But the American will have to ride in the backseat… because one Russian is driving and the other Russian will be in the front passenger seat because he called “Shotgun”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

50 years ago today, March 15, 1972 Francis Ford Coppola’s “The Godfather I” premiered in theaters across the USA.

- It featured the most shocking horse-in-a-bed-scene on film since Wilbur and his wife Connie let Mr. Ed sleep with them one night. Everything went fine until Wilbur woke up and kicked Mr. Ed out of bed for trying to horse around with his wife. (Bada Bing… Bada boom).

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Today is March 15th - The Ides of March - The day Roman Emperor Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group Senators in 44 B.C. I don’t know if anyone in the Russian Government reads this blog… but I thought they might find that interesting. Ya know. I’m just sayin…

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Dolly Parton asked the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to remove her name from this years list of possible inductees because, having never recorded a Rock and Roll song, she doesn’t feel she deserves the honor.

- But I’m bettin’ if Dolly does put out some Rock… it’ll be a Double Album.

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Prince Harry is being accused of “Snubbing" the Queen after he decided to skip Prince Phillip's memorial at the end of this month over issues with his security team.

- And by “Issues with his security team” they mean “Meghan said he can’t go”.

- You know the difference between The Royal Family and Harry? The Royal Family Jewels are in the Tower of London. Harry’s are in Meghan’s purse.

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Scientists say that ocean Octopuses are increasingly using pieces of “Ocean trash” as shelter.

- It’s not ideal, but it’s cheaper than buying an “Ocean View Condo” which they say costs “Eight arms and a leg”.

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A new study found that dancing is GOOD FOR MENS’ MASCULINITY… and helps guys express themselves physically, feel more confident about their bodies and makes them more relaxed when discussing life’s most important questions.

- During all of the wedding receptions for my six daughters… we always did the “YMCA”… including my Dad - who lived to be 96. So I guess the research could be true!

- In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that we had six lovely daughters……. And paid for EIGHT lovely weddings.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick