Democratic insiders are saying that despite attacking each other during the campaign, Joe Biden may pick Elizabeth Warren as his VP running mate.

- It would be a Lone Ranger & Tonto kind of thing.

*****

An artist in Britain has photoshopped a pic of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to show what their hair might look like in Quarantine.

- We’re all in the same boat. My six daughters say that between them, they have enough “Roots” to start a new family tree on Ancestry.com.

*****

A 64 year old man - who’s family gave him a ride on a jet fighter as a gift - panicked and accidentally ejected himself from the plane mid-flight.

- Experts say it’s not unusual for a 64 year old man to suffer from Premature Eject-u-Lation.

*****

Kim Kardashian stressed the importance of social distancing in a new video posted on California Governor Newsom's Instagram account.

- She said even her husband Kanye West stays six feet away from her. But truth be told, it’s because everytime he tries to get closer, he runs into her butt.

*****

A police department in Maryland posted a message reminding residents to wear Pants when going to the mailbox.

- This gives a whole new meaning to Junk Mail.

*****

According to new research, Flamingos form friendships that last for years, hang out with certain birds in their groups and completely avoid others.

- Ya know… Kinda like High School.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Here’s a pic of a full rainbow that appeared over NYC on Monday. Which brings us to the POSITIVE Pandemic Song of the Day.

“Why are there so many songs about Rainbows?

And what’s on the other side?

Rainbows are Visions… But only Illusions.

And Rainbows have nothing to hide”.

Lyrics courtesy of Kermit T. Frog

*****

Suzanne Somers just released a Podcast in which she gives tips on “Solo Sex” during the Quarantine.

- The Podcast is titled: “How to be Your Own Thigh-Master”.

*****

“The View” has vowed to continue broadcasting despite the Quarantine with all the ladies now broadcasting from their own homes.

- Is there no end to our suffering?

*****

Jeff Bezos earned $24 BILLION this week as Amazon's value hit $1.1 TRILLION because people forced to stay home did more shopping online.

- Bezos may have made $24 BILLION… but I got my toilet paper delivered in TWO DAY for FREE!!!

*****

Empty dumpsters caused by the shutdown of restaurants in New York City has given rise to “Gangs of Mice and Rats” who are taking to the streets to battle each other for food and territory.

- It’s like “West Side Story” but with less dancing.

*****

The Federal Government is being sued for denying aid to some Small Businesses including the “Little Darlings” Strip Club in Flint.

- That according to a recent Pole.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The company that’s responsible for new Emojis announced it's delaying the new batch because of the Virus - however they assured texters that the “Gender Neutral Santa” will be out by Christmas. (True!)

- I can’t wait to get back to the NORMAL PC KIND of craziness we’re used to in this country.

*****

Business is booming for companies that sell at-home sperm collection kits, thanks in part to questionable fears about COVID-19 reducing fertility.

- The men who are trying this say the In-Home tests really come in Handy.

*****

Yesterday, we had an Easter “Family Get-Together” with my 6 girls, their husbands and all 8 of the grandkids. But this year… we did it on a Video Conference Call on “Zoom”… with everyone in their own houses. It was different for sure, but great at the same time… Mainly because I didn’t have to pay for anyone’s Easter Dinner!!

*****

There’s a new viral pic of a woman in Florida who went grocery shopping wearing a pair underwear on her head as a makeshift coronavirus face mask.

- She got the idea from Kim Kardashian who made a mask for her ENTIRE FAMILY out of one pair of her Spanx.

- I ventured out to Kroger this weekend myself with a mask I made out of my tightie whites… I almost suffocated.

*****

Pandemic Thought for the Day:

Right about now, the TV Show “The Masked Singer” doesn’t seem like such a novel idea anymore does it??

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day:

In honor of the on-going Toilet Paper shortage… The Beatle’s “Yellow Submarine”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Star of the reality show “Sister Wives” who has 4 Wives and 18 Children says “Because of the Pandemic…Normal life has ceased for me”.

- I’m thinking “Normal life” ceased for him the day he married WIFE NUMBER 2.

*****

Governor Whitmer announced that she spoke to the Easter Bunny and told him he’s an “Essential Worker” and still needs to work during the Pandemic.

- To show MY Covid-19 Easter Spirit, tonight for dinner I’m having Welsh Rabbit… excuse me, I meant Rarebit.

*****

A 107-year old Dutch woman has recovered from the coronavirus, probably becoming the oldest survivor of the pandemic in the world.

- Doctors say she’s a “Miracle” and will live a “Long and happy life”. Well… at least it will be Happy.

*****

RealDoll, a Sex Doll company is encouraging people to buy one of their “Silicone Girlfriends” during the lockdown because they’re “Naturally Antibacterial”.

- I can hear it now… “Hey Bob… You’re new girlfriends HOT!” “I know! And she’s Antibacterial!!!”

*****

A woman in Florida was arrested after she hit her husband with a can of Spagehtti-Os.

- No word yet on whether she hit him with a can with the Hot Dogs or the one with the Meatballs.

*****    

Caitlyn Jenner said she’s interested in joining the cast of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”.     

- She’ll fit right in since her boobs are just as fake as the other boobs on the show.  

*****

Pandemic Thought for the Day…

Toilet Paper… You CAN take it with you when you go!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Tuesday night North America experienced the first full moon of Spring - known as the “Pink Super Moon”. The “Pink Super Moon” only occurs once a year.

- Unless you count the times Kim Kardashian drops her pants.

*****

Speaking of Kim… She and her mother, Kris Jenner have teamed up to produce a limited edition perfume in time for Mother’s Day.

- Kim says she’ll team up with her “Other Mom” - Caitlyn Jenner - for a special “You Used to Be My Father’s Day” Fragrance.

*****

As if COVID-19 isn’t stressful enough during the day, sleep experts say many Americans are having their sleep disrupted by “Pandemic Dreams” - which they describe as “Weird, Vivid and Scary”.

- I thought “Weird, Vivid and Scary” were three of the Spice Girls.

*****

Michael Moore says he tried to help Hillary Clinton’s Presidential run by creating a comedy all-star team to write material for her during 2016 but she turned him down.

- Hard to believe she turned him down! When I think COMEDY I think Michael Moore!

*****

Officials at an Animal Theme Park in Hong Kong say that with no visitors to occupy their time, two Giant Pandas - “Ying Ying” and “Le Le” are spending their Quarantine time having sex.

- So we’ve got a Tiger at the Bronx Zoo with the Virus (True) and now we’ve got a Panda-Demic.

*****

In other animal news… Zookeepers say they’re having to comfort animals who are anxious and confused by a lack of visitors to zoos on lockdown, and have become “Emotional Support Humans”.

- Great. Soon they’ll be allowing the animals to take “Emotional Support Humans” on airplanes!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

President Trump and Joe Biden talked on the phone about the Pandemic, with Trump calling Joe “Warm” and “Wonderful”.

- And Joe calling Trump “Bob” and “Dave”.

*****

Health officials released a sketch of what kids who play lots of video games might look like 20 years from now.

- Most of us look like that NOW after two weeks in Quarantine!

*****

Quarantine Question of the Day: If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it because they’re all inside, quarantined, wearing a scarf on their face, watching re-runs of Gomer Pyle, eating a frozen pizza and a box of Ho-Ho’s… does it make a sound?

*****

World Champion Competitive Eater Joey Chesnut says that if the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest is cancelled because of the Pandemic, he’d be willing to eat hundreds of hot dogs WITHOUT an audience.

- Wow. What a guy! See EVERYONE is making sacrifices!

*****

It took more than a dozen police officers in Los Angles to break up a gathering of 40 people who broke the cities “Social Distancing Rule” for a 1 year old’s birthday party. 

- It seems like just yesterday when this kind of thing only happened at Chuck E. Cheese. (And trust me, with six daughters and 8 grandkids - I’ve spent A LOT of time at Chuck E. Cheese). 

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day…

“Walk on By” by Dionne Warwick

*****

RIP… All-time Tiger Great Al Kaline who died yesterday at 85.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Harvey Weinstein’s attorney says he’s “Doing well and not showing any symptoms” after testing positive for the Coronavirus.     

- Well, other than that pesky 23-year prison sentence… things are really looking up for Harvey!  

*****

Kanye West announced that the new eco-forward mansion he is building in Wyoming will feature a “Urine Garden”.     

- Let me get this straight… He picks the one time in history when we’re almost out of toilet paper to build a URINE GARDEN??

*****    

The makers of RealDoll silicone sex dolls announced they’ll give one LUCKY winner and the doll of his choice an all expense paid weekend at a luxury hotel.

- They’re gonna save money on the mini-bar and room service since sex dolls don’t eat much.

*****

After a week of having to clean her own house because of the Pandemic, Bette Midler - whose recently put her apartment up for sale for $50 MILLION - is taking heat for publicly praising “housekeepers around the globe” for the important work they do.

- Apparently Bette only experiences real life “From a Distance”.

*****

Despite the Stay-at-Home guidelines, Jane Fonda says she’s leaves her house each day to go to the gym and workout.

- Too bad there isn’t a way for her to stay in shape at home, like say a “Jane Fonda Workout Video”.

*****

Porn streaming service and “casual dating” site Adult FriendFinder is now live-streaming the nuptials  of couples whose wedding plans have been wrecked by the virus. 

- If you think the videos of the wedding are good, wait til you see the Honeymoon. 

*****

Hunter Biden is a Dad again! It’s his fifth - and the first for his wife Melissa who he married six days after meeting her, just weeks after breaking up with his brother’s widow (who he cheated on with an Arkansas stripper and ended up fathering a love child with) who he started dating while still married to his wife of 24 years with whom he had 3 children.

- We’ll I’d say Congratulations are in order!

- Dad, Mom, Ex-Wife, Ex-Sister-In-Law & Former-Girlfriend, Ex-Stripper and Baby are all said to be doing well!

*****

Here’s another of daughter Jackie’s Pandemic Songs of the Day… inspired by the Carpenters.

“Why do birds… suddenly disappear

Every time you are near?

Just like me, they have to be…

Far from you.”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

First it was Toilet Paper now it’s Jigsaw Puzzles. Amazon says Jigsaw Puzzles are in the top ten most searched items on their site and many are already sold out.

- It seems to me, If you’re gonna use a puzzle as toilet paper, a CROSSWORD Puzzle might be a better choice.

*****

Governor Whitmer has prohibited all Non-Essential trips to the Veterinarian - which means No spaying or neutering until the lockdown is lifted.

- So Dog owners are just gonna have to take their Humps and move on.

*****

The government of Panama has announced than men and women will only be able to leave their homes for two hours at a time, and on different days.  Men can go out for groceries on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays; Women on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

- Luckily, they still have phone service so the women can call the men at the grocery stores and remind them to get some milk.

*****

Dr. Fauci - the White House point man on the Coronavirus - says to get out of the way if someone sneezes because a “Very robust, vigorous” sneeze can travel up to 27 FEET.

- I think I speak for all Americans when I say it’s a good thing Jimmy Durante is no longer with us.

*****

Russian Officials have ordered a freeze on all Divorces until at least June 1st because of the Pandemic.

- And you thought it was hard being locked in your house with someone you actually LIKE.

*****

Hillary Clinton told Oprah Magazine that she and her daughter Chelsea have a great relationship and that Chelsea has taught her a lot about “Patience and dealing with it when things don’t go your way”.

- Apparently Hillary missed Chelsea’s class on “Getting Over 2016”.

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day is inspired by the Beach Boys:

Wouldn’t it be nice if this was over…

And we wouldn’t have to wash our hands?

And wouldn’t it be nice to touch our noses

And when we sneeze not worry where it lands?

What happy times together we’d be spending…

It seems this Quarantine is ne…ver… ending…

But this SONG is!!

*****

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Governor Whitmer is expected to announce that Michigan schools will be closed for the rest of the year because of the Pandemic.

- She made the announcement Dr. Seuss’s new children’s book… “Oh, The Places You’ll Go… Don’t Include School”.

- There’s a book for the parents too, “Curious George Goes To The Insane Asylum”.

*****

But Seniors in the Class of 2020 WILL Graduate.

- They’ll be the first class ever to wear a Cap, Gown & Face Mask.

*****

Meghan Markle’s first post-royal gig - doing a voiceover for a Disney Documentary about Elephants - is being panned with critics calling her narration “Schmaltzy and Cheesy”.

- I thought Schmaltzy and Cheesy were the names of the Eighth and Ninth Dwarves who Snow White kicked out of her cottage because their ears were too big.

*****

Paris Hilton announced that she’ll delay the release of a new documentary she directed due to the Coronavirus Pandemic.

- As if we don’t have enough bad news lately, now we hear THIS!!

*****

Kroger and Walgreens are installing plexiglass barriers that will help keep Cashiers and Customers from sharing germs.

- But the Bag Boy is still free to sneeze on your Zucchini.

*****

Today’s Pandemic Song of the Day is… “Home on the Range”. Let’s all sing along!!

“We all have to stay Home… It’s a rule - we can’t Roam,

Wash your hands… while your dye job goes Gray.

“Check emails” - I’ve heard… But I forgot my pass-word.

Even my dog stays six feet away”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yesterday, President Trump extended the Social Distancing Guidelines until April 30th.

- I’m about ready to wash my hands of this whole thing.

*****

Hard to believe the biggest thing in the news two weeks ago was the battle between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders.

- NOW, if you want to hear from those two, you have to go shopping during “Senior Hour” at Kroger.

*****

Meghan Markle has reported laid down the law and FORBIDDEN Prince Harry to fly to England to visit his Dad, Prince Charles, who’s been diagnosed with COVID-19.

- Remember the good old days when Harry made his OWN DECISIONS and went to a Vegas hotel, dressed up in a Nazi uniform, and told the HOOKERS what to do??

*****

Speaking of the Ex-Royals… Prez Trump says that the US WILL NOT pay for Harry and Meghan’s security now that they’ve moved to Los Angeles… but Harry and Meghan say they don’t need his help - they’ve made “Privately Funded Security Arrangements”.

- TRANSLATION: Harry hit Prince Charles up for a raise in his Allowance.

*****

Divorce filings in NYC have skyrocketed by 50% during the Quarantine which has forced couples to stay at home together.

- Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the Quarantine in NYC start A WEEK AND A HALF AGO??

*****

You can get more than groceries and prescriptions during Michigan’s lockdown… Under the Governor’s Executive Order Liquor stores will remain open since they are considered “Critical” facilities.

- Well I’ll drink to that!

*****

I know we’re not supposed to touch our faces… BUT… I’ve had an itch on my nose that’s DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! I’ll admit, I’m about to cave. And thus… our Pandemic Song of the Day…

REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

10 years ago today I retired after 45 years on the radio in Detroit. The last 10 minutes of the show were recorded and I’m posting it today. (I figured since you’re stuck at home - you probably don’t have anything better to do!) When it ends… it automatically takes you to some other videos of the show from over the years you can watch… if you’re REALLY bored!

And now for a brief look at the news…

Today would have been Opening Day for the Tigers.

- I’ll mark the day by getting off the couch later this afternoon and doing a 7th Inning Stretch.

*****

A Vet in Britain is treating a Weiner Dog named “Rolo” who was so excited about his family being quarantined at home, he wagged his tail too much and “Sprained it”.

- The last Weiner to suffer this kind of injury was named Anthony.

*****

Another Day… Another Song… The Carpenters hit “I Won’t Last a Day Without You”. (Think Toilet Paper)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Bill Cosby’s lawyers have filed a petition to get him released from Prison due to concerns over the Coronavirus.

- Lucky for Bill, if he does get sick he can just drink one of his “Special Cocktails” and by the time he wakes up, the whole thing will be a blur.

*****

Officials in Italy say that “business” is way down for members of Organized Crime.

- Making this the first time in history the Mafia is Taking a Hit instead of Ordering one!!

*****

Joe Biden is at it again… During a Skyped appearance on “The View” he was asked if he agreed with Trump saying that shutting down the nations economy could make “The cure worse than the problem itself”. Joe said, “We have to take care of the Cure. That will make the problem worse no matter what. No matter what”.

- Joe’s about one gaffe away from getting his own Two-Hour Special on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”.

*****

Squad Member Ilhan Omar is calling for all U.S. Citizens to be given a Pre-loaded debit card worth $2000 - and to cover the cost, she proposed the U.S. Treasury mint two 1 Trillion Dollar Coins. (TRUE!)

- Why not just have the Government put an ATM in all of our homes???

*****

Jennifer Aniston is among the ladies in Hollywood who are paying to have their Hollywood Hairdressers send them “At Home Touch Up Coloring Kits” to help them get through while Salon’s are closed.

- Wasn’t there a Mini-Series about a hair color shortage back in the 70’s? I think it was called “Roots”.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner said she is spending her time in Self-Quarantine cleaning out her closets.

- She says she’s getting rid of all kinds of junk she doesn’t need anymore. Ya know, like Boxer Shorts and Jock Straps.

*****

A Rabbi, A Minister and a Priest walk into a bar…

Just kidding. The bars are closed.

SONG OF THE DAY…

Huey Lewis and the News: “The Heart of Rock and Toilet-Paper-Roll”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

(HE STAYED HOME)

*****

An Oregon Strip Club has come up with a way to get around the Coronavirus Shutdown… “Boober Eats”. For a $30 delivery fee, a pair of scantily clad strippers will deliver chicken fingers, steak bites and mini corndogs to your door.

- It takes a pretty confident man to order “Mini Corn Dogs” from a Stripper.

*****

Senate Dems say they won’t vote for the Coronavirus Relief Bill unless companies who receive aid provide Employee race, gender, pay, and diversity status. Plus… Obamacare, funding for the Arts, “Same Day Voter Registration” yada, yada, yada… are added to the Bill.

- Call me crazy, but isn’t this Bill supposed to help the American People and the entire Country survive all the Medical and Financial disruptions to our lives caused by the Coronavirus Pandemic???

- Sounds like some people are trying to sneak some Pork into a Bill whose benefits that are needed and Should Be provided RIGHT NOW.

And Just When You Thought Things Couldn’t Get Any Worse…

- Joy Behar is out of isolation and back on “The View”.

*****

The 2020 Olympics have been postponed due to the Coronavirus pandemic. The Japanese Prime Minister and the International Olympic Committee say the Tokyo games will take place in 2021 instead.

- I for one am happy about this! It gives me an extra year to work on my Balance Beam routine!

*****

Harvey Weinstein has tested positive for Coronavirus and is in isolation in a prison in Buffalo where he’ll spend the next 23 years.

- Is it just me or does it seem like Harvey’s having a bad year??

*****

Why did the Chicken cross the Road?

Social Distancing.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Governor Whitmer has issued a “Shelter in Place” order effective immediately and is is asking everyone to “Stay home and stay safe”.

Okay… Everybody click your heels together now and repeat along with me… “THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!”

*****

If you’re looking for something to do, why not calculate how long your supply of Toilet Paper will last?? A new website, Howmuchtoiletpaper.com lets you enter how much you’ve got, how often you go, and how much you use to determine how many days your rolls will last…

- … Before you wipe out your supply.

*****

Joe Biden says he’s going to be giving his own updates on the Coronavirus after techs “Put in a new high-speed line into my home… they converted a recreation room, basically, into a television studio. So beginning tomorrow, I guess tomorrow, I'm making the first presentation.”

- Joe says you can watch his updates on “The Facebook” and “InstaGramp”.

*****

The NYC Health Department released a memo urging people to have “Solo Sex” during the coronavirus, saying “YOU are your safest sex partner”.

- For those of you who don’t know what “Solo Sex” is… they want you to play Solitaire!!!

They added that “This is NOT the time to have Orgies”.

- Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but when exactly IS the time to have Orgies??

*****

Music legend Neil Diamond posted a video of him singing "Sweet Caroline," except it had a few updated lyrics more fitting amid the coronavirus outbreak. He sang "Hands... washing hands... reaching out... don't touch me... I won't touch you!”.

- Coming soon: The Oak Ridge Boys with “El-Virus”, Petula Clark’s new single “Don’t Sneeze In the Subway Darlin” and Johnny Rivers with “I’ve Got the Rockin Pneumonia and the Coronavirus Too”.

*****

RIP… Kenny Rogers who passed away from natural causes at the age of 81.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Spring officially arrives tonight at 11:50!!!!

*****

In one of the more unusual incidents being attributed to Coronavirus, a turf war between dozens of rival monkeys has broken out in Thailand as the monkey’s fight each other for food. 

- Apparently the Grocery stores have run out of their favorite “Chimps Ahoy”. 

*****

A Las Vegas Strip Club called “Little Darlings” says they are staying Open because their dancers and customers are maintaining Six-Foot Social Distancing.

- That should make for some interesting Lap Dances.

In the spirit of “flattening the curve”, the club will also offer “Nude triple-X hand sanitizer wrestling”.

- In the interest of “Transparency”… we didn’t make the “Nude triple-X hand sanitizer wrestling” thing up!

*****

A gas station in Kentucky is selling gas for 99 cents a gallon and experts say that could become the norm across the Midwest.

- Great. We’ll all have full tanks of gas… and no place to go.

*****

Harvey Weinstein has been transferred to his new “home” - a prison outside of Buffalo. Ironically, Harvey graduated from the University of Buffalo and first made a name for himself by bringing acts like the Rolling Stones to Buffalo in the 70’s.

- It’s not all bad… maybe he can get deliveries from Ted’s Hot Dogs and Anderson’s Beef on Weck - two of my all-time favorite restaurants that I grew up on!

*****

George Clooney‘s sister-in-law is being torched on social media for selling luxury, non-medically approved Leopard-Print face masks for $30 each on her fashion website… They ship in 8 to 12 weeks. 

- As they say… Timing is everything. 

- And don’t forget to order her Faux Mink Toilet Paper which will be available just in time for Christmas! 

*****

A survey by a Sleep Company found that 60% of people WOULD NOT Marry someone who has a different “Sleep Pattern” then they do. 

- This is especially true when the guy sleeps on his side… and his girlfriend sleeps around.

*****

Millions of people in California have been ordered to “Shelter in Place” to stop Corona. 

- So now the only ones who will still catch a virus are the people who are staying at Charlie Sheen’s house. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

- I ran across the cartoon below on FB this morning. Kind of sums up life these days.

*****

Today is St. Patrick’s Day! Or as the Irish say in 2020 “Erin Go Wash Your Hands Day”.

This is actually the day in the year 432, when a 16 year old boy named Patrick was kidnapped from his home by Pirates in what is now Great Britain and imprisoned in Ireland. Legend has it, that for six years he was forced to survive on Bread & Water. (And I always thought it was Corned Beef & Cabbage).

*****

Tom Brady announced Tuesday he is leaving the New England Patriots after 20 seasons and six Super Bowl titles, saying his football journey “will take place elsewhere.”

- $100 bucks says “elsewhere” means “Anywhere but the Lions”.

*****

Health Officials all over the country are urging us to do what we can to help “Flatten the Curve” of the virus.

- I swim three times a week and walk 2 miles a day and I still can’t “Flatten the Curve” on my stomach.

*****

Trump announced a list of things Americans must do to contain the virus in the next 15 days - including an urgent call for the “Old and vulnerable”… Stay Home!

- Well I guess we know where Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders will be if we need to get ahold of ‘em.

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a video urging people to stay isolated at home - that showed him feeding carrots to his two pets… A Mini-Horse named “Whiskey” and a Mini-Donkey named “Lulu”.

- Kind of hard to take advice from a guy who needs two Emotional Support Animals to stay in his own house.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Governor has ordered Restaurants and Bars to close at 3pm today… (delivery and carry out still available). The Virus is also affecting people mentally. For more on that, check out an article from this mornings FREEP including advice from my daughter Dr. Jessica Purtan Harrell who is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

*****

Biden and Sanders greeted each other at Sunday night’s Democrat debate with an “Elbow Bump”

- They were going to do a “Bootie Bump” but neither can afford to break a hip.

*****

During the debate, Biden said he WILL absolutely nominate a woman to run as his VP.

- People were like, “We don’t care about the VP… We want T.P.”

- Speaking of TeePee’s… I guess that means Elizabeth Warren could get the job.

*****

77 year old Joy Behar said she is “stepping away” as a co-host of "The View" for precautionary reasons due to the Coronavirus Pandemic.

- Ya see kids? Every cloud has a Silver Lining!!

*****

A Pizza Parlor in Wisconsin is offering a special… With each pizza they’ll sell you four rolls of toilet paper. for an extra charge of $3.25. It’s listed on the menu under “Sides of Sauce”.

- You don’t wanna know what they have listed under “Toppings”.

*****

Elton John postposed his May 1st and 2nd appearances at Little Caesars Arena until 2021 because of the virus. Speaking of which, Elton is on the special “Pandemic Playlist” I’ve put together to listen to while I’m “Social Distancing”…

DICK’s “PANDEMIC PLAYLIST 2020”

“Every Breath You Take” - The Police

“Touch Me In The Morning… But NOT Unless You’ve Washed Your Hands!!!” - Diana Ross

“Girls Just Wanna Have Toilet Paper” - Cyndi Lauper

“Alone Again, UnNaturally” - Gilbert O’Sullivan

“Night Fever” - The Bee Gees

“By The Time I Get To Phoenix… They’ll Be Out of Everything” - Glen Campbell

*****

Have a great day… stay healthy… and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Since Bernie only won a single Primary yesterday, top Democrats are urging him to drop out of the race and endorse Biden.

- But Bernie’s still hoping to fire up voter’s in other states to CAST-TRO their votes for him.

*****

According to court documents, Harvey Weinstein sent an email suggesting that Jennifer Aniston “should be killed” when he found out she claimed he “sexually assaulted” her.

- Well there goes Harvey’s guest shot on the “Friends” anniversary special.

*****

Talk shows across the country - including “The View” - will tape without studio audiences because of the Coronavirus outbreak.

- If they want to help Americans, they should let the studio audience IN and tape the show WITHOUT the hosts.

*****

Hunter Biden asked a judge to postpone the financial support hearing for the love child he had with a stripper due to “concern over the Coronavirus”.

- Where was Hunter’s “concern” over viruses when he was sleeping with the Stripper??

*****

The Russian parliament approved a historic constitutional reform that will allow Vladimir Putin to stay in power for another 12 years after his current term ends in 2024. BTW… The vote was 380 to 0.

- It’s a Win-Win. Putin gets to stay in power and the guys who voted for him get to stay Alive.

*****

The CDC is urging the elderly to stock up on food and stay home because of the Coronavirus.

- Luckily, most elderly people already do that whenever TV Land runs a “Matlock” Marathon.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s Primary Day here in Michigan! Speaking of heading to the polls, there’s still time to shop for a Birthday Gift for Stormy Daniels who turns 41 next week!

*****

In an effort to avoid the spread of the Coronavirus, producers of Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune announced they will tape shows WITHOUT a live studio audience “for the foreseeable future”.

- And instead of winning cash, contestants will now play for Toilet Paper!!

*****

The White House announced that President Trump is skipping this Thursday’s St. Patrick’s Day Luncheon because of Nancy Pelosi’s “divisive rhetoric”.

- Darn. I was so looking forward to watching Nancy tear up his Menu.

*****

A Chinese restaurant in California has started taking every customer's temperature in hopes of screening for the Coronavirus.

- So if you want Beef Lo Mein, prepare to have your temp taken by Sum Yung Guy.

*****

Hillary Clinton says she would love to see a FEMALE Vice President on the ticket in 2020.

- So would Bill.

*****

The stock market opened way up this morning after yesterdays historic 2000 point loss, but as of this writing is only up 200 points.

- The market’s bouncing around more than Charlie Sheen in a Mattress Factory.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Fears over the Coronavirus & tanking Oil prices saw the Dow open DOWN 1800 POINTS this morning.

- The stock market fell faster than Kanye West when Kim Kardashian’s thong exploded and ricocheted off his ego.

*****

Dolly Parton says she wants to celebrate her upcoming 75th Birthday by appearing on the cover of Playboy - which she hasn’t done since 1978 - saying “I think it would be such a hoot”.

- Or in this case… TWO Hoots… or is that Hooters??

*****

A Florida woman was arrested after police found marijuana in her bra.

- She pleaded guilty to a Double D Misdemeanor.

*****

A malfunction at a local winery is causing wine to flow from faucets in the Italian Town of Castelvetro.

- “It’s a MIRACLE!” said the town Priest, Father Pinot Grigio.

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Italy has quarantined a quarter of its population and asked them to stay home because of the Coronavirus.

- It’s working out fine… especially for the people who have wine flowing out of their faucets.

*****

Queen Elizabeth was locked out of Windsor Castle on Friday because there was no guard present to unlock the gate as her car drove up.

- The guard later explained to the Queen that he was in the Castle’s bathroom sitting on the Throne.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick