It’s National Rubber Ducky Day!

So fill up the tub… don’t be a Schmuck!

Grab the soap… And Float your Duck!

*****

A family in Minnesota donated a recliner to a thrift store… not knowing their pet cat was hiding inside. When store employees heard the chair “Meowing”… they freed the cat and returned him safely to his owners.

- The same thing happened to me when I worked at a furniture store one summer. Except I found a dog hiding in a Bark-a-lounger. (Bada Boom)

*****

A new study in the UK shows that a farmer who gave his cows Virtual Reality headsets that showed them in a summer field has increased milk production because it puts them in a better mood.

- On the whole, they say their mood has improved about 2%.

*****

In June, Hunter Biden’s Ex-Wife Kathleen is set to release a tell-all about their 24 year marriage - in which she details how he spent their money on drugs, alcohol, prostitutes and strip clubs.

- Hey… how about telling us something we don’t already know?

*****

Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss is moving out of Nevada to Missouri after someone shot her parrot.

- So I guess they were wrong. What happens in Vegas DOESN’T stay in VEGAS. It moves to Missouri.

*****

With the cost of food continuing to rise, Domino's Pizza announced that it’s cutting its $7.99 order of wings from 10 to 8 pieces of chicken.

- Reminds me of the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life” when Zuzu looks at her dad and says, “Every time Inflation reaches a 40 year high… Domino’s Cut’s the number of Wings!”

*****

RIP… Ronnie Spector… of the Ronettes who’s hit’s included “Sleigh Ride”, “Frosty the Snowman”, and “Be My Baby” among others has died at the age of 78.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Controversial University of Pennsylvania transgender swimmer, Lia Thomas, who was born male and is transitioning to female was defeated by another transgender swimmer from Yale Saturday - who was born female and is transitioning to male.

- I don’t care if they’re male or female… as long as they don’t pee in the pool.

*****

A study published in the Journal of Nature Products found that compounds found in Cannabis - ie: Marijuana - have potential to combat COVID in humans.

- This explains why Willie Nelson always looks so gosh darn Healthy!!

*****

The Biden administration announced that starting Saturday, Health Insurers must pay for eight COVID-19 home tests per month - per person - per household.

- Awesome! Now all the Government has to do is get some tests.

*****

A man in Portland, Oregon claims his “manhood” shrunk by an inch-and-a-half due to Covid, and doctors say it can’t be fixed.

- You’ve heard of “Long Covid”? Well, this is the OPPOSITE of THAT.

*****

In a related story, a man in California claims he woke up recently and couldn’t find his “Fellas”.

- Turns out it has nothing to do with Covid… Doctors say it was “caused by his marriage to Meghan Markle”.

*****

A man described as an Antifa activist was caught at a conservative rally in Florida with a homemade pipe bomb and a checklist of items he needed to commit an attack, including: a "Gas Mask," "Flammable Rags," "Matches," and "Snacks."

- Ironically… the most dangerous thing on the list was the snacks: Flaming Hot Cheetos.

*****

On this day in 1995 the murder trial of OJ Simpson begin in Los Angeles.

- And bless his heart… 27 years later… he’s still looking for the real killer or killers.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Doctors say a 57-year-old Maryland man is “doing well” 3 days after receiving a genetically modified Pig Heart in a 1st-of-its-kind transplant surgery.

- More details when they become available… but for now… Th…Th…Th…That’s All Folks!!

*****

The Treasury Department is warning of long delays in Tax Refund Checks this year due to “enormous challenges” brought on by the Pandemic and supply chain issues.

- How about we all send the IRS a note telling them there’s going to be a long delay in us PAYING OUR TAXES for the same reason. How do you think that’ll go over??

*****

Martha Stewart and Rapper Snoop Dogg wore matching diamond-and-gold glasses while taping “Puppy Bowl XVIII”… the 3-Hour TV special TV Special which features 70 adoptable puppies competing for the coveted “Lombarky” trophy.

- There was some drama when one of the Snauzers appeared to take a knee during the playing of the National Anthem… but it turned out he was just going to the bathroom.

*****

Customs and Border Patrol Agents in Progresso, Texas have reportedly intercepted a 20-year-old American woman trying to smuggle Spider Monkeys into the U-S.

- Why did she try to SMUGGLE them? Why not just let them walk across with everybody else??

*****

A Pennsylvania man is facing an indecent exposure charge, after police say he walked into a car dealership completely naked - hoping to take a test drive.

- He says he was looking for an automatic but ended up with five on the floor.

*****

According to a new survey of 2,000 adults half of Americans don’t know how to cook Pasta and more than a third said they struggle to make something as simple as Eggs.

- Anyone who thinks eggs are simple to make has obviously NEVER asked a Chicken.

*****

RIP… Sidney Poitier, Bob Saget, Dwayne Hickman (Dobie Gillis), Marilyn Bergman (Lyricist - “The Way We Were”, “Windmills of Your Mind”, “Summer of 42”) & Peter Bogdanovich (Director - “The Last Picture Show”, “Paper Moon”).

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The NFL is exploring holding the Super Bowl in another location if COVID restrictions in California make it impossible to hold it in L.A.

- Why not go with Ford Field? The Lions play there all the time and they rarely catch anything.

*****

The World Health Organization is now warning about “Flurona” - which they say is a very real condition in which a person contracts the Flu and the Coronavirus at the same time.

- Which leads to another condition known as “Yougottabekiddingme-itis”.

*****

The WHO says Flurona symptoms are the same as flu and Covid symptoms, and can include fever, cough, fatigue, runny nose, sore throat, diarrhea, and muscle and body aches… and can be spread by coughing, sneezing, talking, singing and BREATHING.

- So far today, I’ve coughed once, sneezed twice, talked three times… but I haven’t done any singing or breathing… so I guess I’m good for now.

*****

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro was taken to a Sao Paulo hospital for tests early Monday after experiencing abdominal discomfort.

- Usually when you hear “Brazilian” and “Abdominal Discomfort” in the same sentence… there’s a Russian woman and hot wax involved.

*****

BMW unveiled the world’s first ever color-changing Sports Activity Vehicle at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas… that can switch from White to Black at the press of a button.

- If only OJ’s White Bronco had had this technology he might have evaded the police and he could have gotten away with MURDER!!! Oh… wait a minute… he already did.

*****

For the first time in history an Aircraft Carrier - the USS Abraham Lincoln - has deployed under a female Captain.

- Hundreds waited anxiously onshore as she checked her lipstick in the ship’s rear-view mirror, put on her Barry Manilow tape, checked her phone, took a sip of her Diet Coke and proudly backed the ship out of Port.

*****

75 year old Cher says that she refuses to let her hair go gray.

- Uh oh! She’s in trouble now… because Prez. Biden just put Kamala Harris in charge of finding the “Root Cause” of why people’s hair turns Gray.

*****

RIP… Lawrence N. Brooks, the oldest U.S. World War II veteran has died at the age of 112.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The former Chief Scientist for NASA says that all we have to do to make it possible for Humans to live on Mars is to create a giant magnetic shield and put it around Mars to block energy from the sun and keep it from over-heating the Martian surface.

- He got the idea from a Super Hero comic book he read over Christmas..

*****

KFC is starting the new year by launching a new plant-based fried chicken made with “Beyond Meat”.

- Is it just me or does that sound Finger Lickin’ Gross??

*****

Jeff Bezos says his new buff body is the result of a strict diet and a personal trainer… but there are rumors that he’s taking a Testosterone Replacement to build muscle.

- The Testosterone would also explain why he went into space on a rocket ship shaped like… well… you know.

*****

The government of Quebec has reversed course and will exempt Dog-Walkers from their new 10pm COVID curfew after facing backlash from pet owners.

- Unlike their dogs, they don’t think the Government should stick their noses in other peoples business.

*****

A new report claims Americans are naming their dogs "COVID" because of the pandemic.

- If I wanted to name my Dog after something annoying that won’t go away… I think I’d go with “Dr. Fauci”.

*****

California twins were born just fifteen minutes apart but in different years — with one born just a few minutes before midnight in 2021 and the other at exactly Midnight on New Year’s Day in 2022.

- Both babies rang in the New Year happily babbling and drooling… not unlike those two guys who co-hosted the Ball-Drop on CNN.

******

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Betty White’s longtime manager says that the 99 year old’s last word was “Allen”… the name of her third husband and love of her life - game show host, Allen Ludden.

- Call me crazy… but maybe Allen was the “Password” to get into Heaven???

*****

Over the Holidays, Queen Elizabeth delivered her annual Address to the Nation and said it was a difficult Christmas without “one familiar face”… Prince Phillip - but never mentioned Harry or Meghan.

- Apparently the Queen wasn’t too thrilled with the “Sheppard’s Pie of the Month Club” they sent her for Christmas.

*****

The ladies of “The View” are doing the show from their homes because of COVID - and on Mondays show Joy Behar announced that Whoopi Goldberg has tested positive but has “very, very mild symptoms” and will likely be back next week.

- I’m not much for Mask Mandates… But how about Muzzles??

*****

Speaking of COVID… All Indoor Dining, Gyms and Movie Theaters in Ontario are closed - again - and schools have gone back to online classes.

- I wish I’d gone to school in Canada. That way whenever my Mother asked me “How’d your test go, Dickie?” I could have said, “It went good, eh?” And she would have said, “An ‘A’? That’s not just good… it’s wonderful”.

*****

The NHL's Outdoor Winter Classic between the St. Louis Blues and the Minnesota Wild was the coldest Pro-Sporting event in history, with a temperature of MINUS 5.7 degrees.

- It was even colder than the Lions were this season. (But on the bright side (?) with Sundays loss to Seattle, the Lions did “Lock in” the #1 and #2 Draft Picks for next season!)

*****

25 years after it was first introduced, Little Caesars has raised the price of its famous Hot ‘n Ready Pizza from $5 to $5.55 nationwide.

- Fans of Hot ‘n Ready say $5.55 is still a great price for a Large Pizza, but Bernie Sanders says it’s “An elitist attempt to keep Pizza away from all but the Upper Crust”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The CDC is being widely mocked for doing a series of U-turns on their COVID policies in the last week… and is now admitting “it’s not just about following the science” but we “Need to keep the country running”.

- If ONLY they had thought of that a year ago!!

*****

Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen once again giggled their way through CNN’s live New Year’s Eve Coverage.

- Couldn’t CNN do better than these two? Like maybe get the the guys from “Dumb and Dumber”??

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are preparing to leave their $11 million dollar California mansion because the couple “Isn't in love” with the property.

- And by “the couple” they mean “Meghan”.

*****

Just 72 hours before her ventilator was scheduled to be turned off, a nurse in the UK awoke from a 28 day Covid-induced Coma after some of her friends on the nursing staff gave her Viagra.

- She was up and around in no time.

*****

Scientists say that people whose feet give off the same odor as that produced by LIMBURGER CHEESE are more likely to be bitten by mosquitos than people whose feet are “scented” like other cheeses.

- I would have thought the mosquitos would be attracted to Vel-feet-a.

*****

If you ate unhealthy over the Holidays… you might want to try some popcorn. Why? Nutritionists say its whole grain, has plenty of fiber and is low in calories.

- It’s also a great way to get more melted butter and salt into your diet!

- And if you add a little caramel… it makes for a great dessert!

*****

RIP… Betty White and the NFL’s John Madden and Dan Reeves.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The President and First Lady welcomed a new German Shepherd puppy to the Family.

- The Prez thanked the American people for their “Outpouring of well-wishes”… and smacked the puppy on the nose with a newspaper for his “Outpouring” all over the Oval Office carpet.

*****

A new report claims "Mrs. Claus" has become a popular character in X-Rated movies.

- Consider yourself lucky that all you saw was your Mommy KISSING Santa Claus.

*****

According to a recent survey, 7 in 10 Americans don’t know that the movies “Die Hard” and “Mean Girls” are actually based on books.

- For those of you who would like to read the original books - “Die Hard” tells the story of a Car Battery… and “Mean Girls” is a behind-the-scenes-look at the Ladies of “The View”.

*****

A Missouri man with a white beard and Santa hat was arrested for robbing a credit union.

- Police are still looking for his accomplice who they describe as “Aprroximately 3 1/2 feet tall, wearing a green hat and pointy shoes”.

*****

On this day in 1997 - 3 years after the famous attack that Tonya Harding orchestrated on Nancy Kerrigan’s knee down at Cobo Hall - Nancy & Tonya pre-recorded a TV show to air on FOX.

- Tonya, of course is the one who Colin Kaepernick credits with giving him the idea of “Taking a Knee”.

- Tonya was so much smarter than Jussie Smolett! At least she had the sense to hire someone to beat up NANCY’s, not HER OWN KNEE. Jussie paid two guys to beat HIMSELF up. What a moron!!

*****

A Chinese woman believed to be “The World’s Oldest Person EVER” has died suddenly at the age of 135.

- Suddenly??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Former President Trump says that China should pay $60 TRILLION as reparations for the Coronavirus pandemic.

- I’m bettin’ Trump wants to use the money to build the Wall. Which begs the question… What does China know about building a Wall??

*****

According to a Poll out of the University of Michigan, traditions like wearing matching outfits for Christmas Card photos can cause stress among family members.

- Why not avoid the stress and do what the Kardashians do: Pose for your family Holiday photos in the Butt… uh, I mean… BUFF. Ho! Ho! Ho!

*****

“Jeopardy!” has invited Steve Martin to appear on the show anytime after fans noted a striking resemblance between Martin and the winner of last week’s “Professor’s Tournament”.

- I can just hear Johnny Gilbert introducing him… “Now entering the studio are today’s contestants!

Now when he was a young man,

He never thought he'd see

People stand in line to see the boy king.

(King Tut) How'd you get so funky?

(Funky Tut) Did you do the monkey?

Born in Arizona,

Moved to Babylonia (King Tut).

Buried with a donkey (Funky Tut)

He's my favorite honky!

He coulda won a Grammy,

Buried in his jammies,

Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia,

He was born in Arizona, lived in a condo made of stone-a,

Please welcome…. King Tut!!!”

*****

The U.S. Navy unveiled a new Maternity Uniform that will be available for Pregnant Sailors free of charge starting in 2022.

- Looks like some of the ladies in the Navy found themselves A Few Good Men.

*****

Hillary Clinton admits her new political thriller “State of Terror” is based on Donald Trump's Presidency and accuses him of being a “Danger” to the nation.

- Here’s an idea: She should write a book about HER political life after 2016 called “State of Denial”.

*****

Ghislaine Maxwell has asked to be addressed as "Ms. Maxwell" in the courtroom instead of "The Defendant."

- The way things are going, pretty soon she’s going to be referred to as “Ms. #6290598207”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Christmas movie classic “It’s a Wonderful Life” turned 75 this year. I watched it for the first time in a long while the other night. Personally I think they should have updated it and made it more “Woke” For instance… instead of having the people of Bedford Falls give their money to George Bailey, they should have given him the Jewelry they got during a during Smash and Grab at “Anderson’s Department Store” and little Zuzu could tell George “Every time a Bell Rings… An Angel Get’s It’s Booster Shot!”

*****

On Friday, Radio City Music Hall in NYC announced that they were cancelling the remainder of the Rockettes “Christmas Spectacular” because of COVID.

- They said they’ll spend the down time rehearsing so they’ll have a leg up on next years show.

*****

Twas the Sunday before Christmas and all through my house…

The Lions were playing… I was ready to grouse!

When what to my wondering eyes should appear…

But a REAL FOOTBALL TEAM… How I hooted and cheered!

They missed barely a play and went straight to their work…

30 BIG POINTS… Great passes and fieldwork!

On Goff! On Campbell! And the other guys too!

They sent the Cards to the locker room crying… Boo Hoo!!!

I heard myself say ‘ere I turned out the light…

Win the Super Bowl Someday?? You know… The Lions just might!!!

(Perhaps I’m being a little overly optimistic here… but… hey… It’s CHRISTMAS!!!)

*****

Elon Musk - The Richest Man in the World - announced on Twitter that we will be writing a check to the IRS for $11 BILLION in taxes this year - just weeks after Elizabeth Warren accused him of “Freeloading off everyone else”.

- Even Liz has to admit 11 BILLION is a lot of Wampum.

*****

A McDonald’s in China has installed EXERCISE BIKES in it’s dining room for “HEALTH-CONSCIOUS JUNK FOOD EATERS”. A Big Mac meal has 1,080 calories in it, which means people would have to cycle between 13.5 and 27 miles on the bikes if they wanted to counteract the meal's total calorie count.

- It’s part of their new “McOxymoron Menu”.

*****

Just two days after Police issued a search warrant for his cell phone in the movie set shooting investigation, Alec Baldwin and his wife Hilaria were pulled over by Police in the Hamptons.

- At this point, even the Cuomo Brothers are having a better Christmas than Alec.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

For those of you who commented on the Kangaroo story yesterday… Here’s another one today. (Thanks to Tom Ryan!)

*****

Two Zebras who have been on the loose in Maryland since escaping from a family farm in August have been recovered safe and sound.

- The last time two Zebras made headlines for being “On the Lam”… Noah hosted “Date Night on the Ark”.

*****

President Biden and VP Kamala Harris and their spouses attended a Holiday Party last night.

- Kamala gave Joe a pair of Boxers that say “Commander in Briefs” and Joe gave Kamala a gift certificate to “The Rio Grande Restaurant” on the Border… because… you know, she’s never been there.

*****

A new study says political polarization in the U.S. is reaching a tipping point such that Democrats and Republicans can never unite again.

- Oh come on! If Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez can work things out and get back together THEY CAN TOO!!

*****

Nancy Pelosi finally came out and denounced the rampant wave of smash and grab looting in her home district of San Francisco as “Absolutely outrageous” and says it “Cannot continue”… AFTER the Mayor of SF had come out and said the same thing THE DAY BEFORE.

- Oh sure… Smash and grabs are all fun and games until somebody steals all the hair dye from your Salon.

*****

The Justice Department is investigating a group of FBI agents for soliciting prostitutes.

- Turns out the “G-Men” are actually “G-String Men”.

*****

The former Bruce-now-Caitlyn Jenner says He/She’s never going to eat at the Beverly Hill’s Hotel’s swanky Polo Lounge again after they refused her service over a “tiny rip” in the leg of her jeans that they claim violated their dress code.

- They might have kicked her out for more than that if they’d had somebody on hand looking for “Suspicious Packages”.

*****

On this date in 1950, Shirley Temple announced her retirement from films at the age of 22.

- She immediately left on a Cruise around the World… on the Good Ship Lollipop.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Experts claim that 8 MILLION people in Australia will regift presents they receive this Christmas because they don’t like them.

- It be so much easier if people just told you what they want AHEAD of time! Because the hour and a half you’ve spend wrapping that Kangaroo is an hour and a half you’re NEVER gonna get back!

****

A new study claims the average person is just as smart as Brain Surgeons and Rocket Scientists.

- I knew we was just as smart as they is!

*****

Russian President Putin and Chinese President Xi held a Video Call this morning to discuss global strategy.

- For those of you who don’t follow politics… this is like the Wicked Witch of the East and Jason from the Halloween Movies having coffee over Zoom.

*****

The Stanford School of Medicine has found that the blood of athletes can be used to increase the fitness of lazy people.

- I’m not sayin’ they’re lazy… but seems to me if we can just get Tom Brady to donate Blood… THE LIONS ARE GOIN’ TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!

*****

The majority of Soda Pop makers are dropping “Diet” from their low-cal drink labels and using “Zero-Sugar” instead. Why? Industry experts say it’s because “Younger people don’t like the word “Diet”.

- With 11 MILLION Job openings in the US right now… it appears they don’t like the word “Work” either.

*****

A Singapore Resident in his 60s says he’s lucky to be alive after being bitten 26 times by a gang of Otters.

- Well you know what they say… If it’s not one thing, it’s an Otter.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

In Saudi Arabia, dozens of Camels have been disqualified from a Camel beauty contest for illegal use of Botox.

- Thankfully the Swimsuit Competition is still a Go!

*****

Yesterday, Alec Baldwin’s wife Hilaria said that Alec once “Shushed” her while she was in labor with their son.

- Knowing Alec… I’d say she got off easy.

*****

Elon Musk - Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” for 2021 says he plans to fly a Noah’s Ark Spaceship packed full of Animals to Mars.

- I have some experience with this kind of trip. When my kids were little, I once drove two dogs and a hamster to Buffalo in our family van. God Speed, Elon!

*****

A New Zealand man who was vaccinated against COVID-19 ten times in one day “On behalf of other people” has been called “unbelievably selfish” and has sparked an investigation.

- Just goes to show you… You’re screwed if you do… You’re crewed if you don’t.

*****

The NY Post is reporting that after several members of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” cast tested positive for COVID, production on the show has been partially shut down.

- I knew sooner or later something GOOD was bound to come out of the Pandemic!

*****

A Chinese man has been jailed for stealing $23,500 from his ex-girlfriend’s bank account by PULLING UP HER EYELIDS while she was sleeping to activate her phone’s Facial Recognition feature.

- Even Bill Cosby didn’t think of doin’ THAT.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yesterday… Four of my daughters - Jackie, Jill, JoAnne and Jessica went to see Stephen Speilberg’s remake of West Side Story. They were HUGE fans of the original and they were a little nervous the new version would be too Politically Correct. And the verdict is… They loved it!

It’s always risky to remake a classic movie. For example… When they remade “Psycho” in 1998… who’s idea was it to use a Walk-In Bath Tub in the Shower Scene??

*****

They told us last week that the Lions had to win all five of their remaining games to make the play offs… Since they lost to Denver yesterday, THAT’s NOT GONNA HAPPEN. But there is GOOD NEWS!!! The Lions are now on track to get the #1 Draft Pick by having the #1 WORST RECORD in THE NFL!!! We’re #1!!! We’re #1!!!

*****

President Biden is getting historically low marks on Immigration and Crime, but 53% of those polled APPROVE of his handling of COVID.

- Well that’s a much needed shot in the arm for Joe.

*****

McDonald’s is celebrating the Holidays with a Special “Mariah Menu”… featuring some of Mariah Carey’s favorite menu items - including Pancakes, McNuggets, Cheeseburgers and Big Macs FREE with any purchase of $1 or more.

- Which reminds me… “All I Want for Christmas… Is to Know Which Part of the Chicken the McNuggets Come From”.

*****

Chicago Police say one of the biggest clues that led them to believe that Jussie Smolett was lying about being attacked was that he held on to the Subway Sandwich he bought before the alleged “attack” - saying most “victims” drop everything out of fear.

- Obviously that cop has never had a Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki on White with Extra Cheese and Mayo…Toasted.

*****

A US Navy Warship Commander who refused to get vaccinated or submit to regular covid testing has been FIRED from his job on the U.S.S. Winston Churchill.

- I am in no way anti-Vaccine… but I say we should keep anybody who’s willing to take a missile for us, even if he’s not willing to take a shot.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

With Christmas just two weeks away… Santa is scrambling to find some new reindeer.

- Why? Because Dancer and Vixen are busy in Court… suing the Cuomo Brothers for Sexual Harassment.

*****

The Chinese Government is trying to reverse falling birth rates by having hospitals refuse to give men vasectomies.

- You gotta love China. There basically cutting these guys off at the knees… or somewhere a little North of that.

*****

The Pope announced this week that “Hatred, Anger and Pride” are the worst sins… and that “Out-of-Marriage Sex” isn’t that big a deal.

- Wait til MRS. Pope hears about this.

*****

Rio De Janeiro canceled its New Year's Eve Party amidst Omicron fears. The carnival is normally a week of nonstop drinking and doing drugs.

- Luckily, Hunter Biden will fill the gap by hosting a party at his place!

*****

A new report claims Kamala Harris is afraid of Bluetooth.

- To show you how technical I am… I thought Bluetooth was the Puppet who hung out with White Fang, Black Tooth and Soupy Sales.

*****

Over thirty staff members and customers were forced to stay overnight in a Denmark IKEA after getting shut in by a snowstorm.

- That would be my luck. I’d get stuck overnight in the only furniture store in the world where the beds aren’t put together.

*****

According to new evidence, Ghislaine Maxwell was once photographed rubbing Jeffrey Epstein’s feet on his private jet.

- And now… it looks like that little piggy will be going to Prison.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

AMAZING STORY…

Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic say after looking at data from 7 MILLION AMERICANS, they’ve concluded taking Viagra is associated with a nearly 70% REDUCED risk of getting Alzheimer’s.

- Go ahead guys… I’ll give you a minute to tell your wives THAT’S why you’re taking it.

Seriously, more details when available.

*****

President Biden and Vladimir Putin held a Zoom Call yesterday to discuss the increasing tensions in Ukraine - and what the US will do if Russia invades it’s neighbor.

- Plus… Joe and Vlad set the limit on how much they can spend on each other’s “Secret Santa Gift”.

*****

The cast of Harry Potter is reuniting for a return to the Hogwarts school.

- Turns out Harry and his friends are now all grown up and working at a Marijuana Dispensary… See the full story in the new movie “Harry’s Selling Pot and the Sorcerer’s Stoned”.

*****

Ryder Cup-winning Danish golfer Thorbjorn Olesen has been accused of groping a woman and “Relieving himself” on a First Class seat on a British Airways flight after drinking champagne and vodka and taking sleeping pills.

- Hey… Better a passenger than the Pilot.

- He got booze and pills?? I consider myself lucky if I get half a can of Diet Coke and a miniature bag of peanuts.

*****

The White House is complaining that the Press is “too negative” towards Prez Biden… and treat him worse than they did Trump.

- If that’s true… I’m Bradley Cooper.

*****

The Biden administration says the U.S. will not send any Diplomats to the 2022 Winter Olympics.

- Turns out Chris Christie didn’t make the weight limit again.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Today is the 80th Anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor by the Japanese… the event that so enraged the American public that the US entered World War II against Japan. Just 4 days later, Hitler’s Germany declared war on the US… and so we found ourselves at War with both adversaries at the same time. Three and a half years later… after the biggest World War in history… the US and it’s Allies declared Victory.

*****

President Biden and Russian Prez Vladimir Putin are holding a Zoom Call today… with Biden expected to warn Putin that the US will impose significant economic sanctions on Russia if Putin invades Ukraine.

- Translation: Hunter’s going to buy his drugs from someone else.

*****

The 4th of VP Kamala Harris’s top staffers is calling it quits… with more reportedly also ready to walk - as rumors of dysfunction in her office continue to swirl.

- The Prez immediately put her in charge of finding “The Root Cause of why people don’t want to work for her”.

*****

29% of people polled point the finger at their Mom as the most likely culprit to feed their dog under the table during dinner.

- So Mom FEEDS the dog dinner… And then Dad BLAMES the dog for what happens AFTER dinner.

*****

Actor Tom Holland - famous for playing “Spiderman” will be playing legendary Fred Astaire in an upcoming movie.

- They have someone in mind to play Fred Astaire’s traditional dancing partner… but turns out Caitlyn Jenner’s feet are too big to fit in Ginger Roger’s shoes.

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Hurray!! Hurray!! Today’s the Day!!! It’s the LAST day of Open Enrollment in the Medicare Advantage Program… and that means NO MORE TV COMMERCIALS running OVER and OVER and OVER… with Joe Namath, Jimmy “JJ” Walker and William Shatner… (Although, to be honest, I thought Shatner a good job). So now it’s back to Gardner White commercials! I hear they’re having a sale!!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Congratulations to the Michigan Wolverines who will play Georgia in the Orange Bowl after trouncing Iowa 42 to 3 Saturday to become the Big Ten Champs!

AND if that wasn’t enough… Our Lions won their FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON Sunday - defeating the Minnesota Vikings 29 -27 with 4 seconds left in the game. But wait! There’s more!! The win means the Lions remain MATHEMATICALLY ALIVE to make it to the Play-Offs!! All they have to do is WIN ALL FIVE of their remaining games!! And c’mon! How hard can that be??

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Dr Justin Coulson, a parenting expert from the TV series “Parental Guidance”, said parents should respect their children and tell them the truth if they to ask if Santa is real because they “shouldn’t teach dishonesty”.

- NOTE: When I was a kid I believed in Santa and even when I found out it wasn’t true… it didn’t hurt me a bit. Of course I was 18 at the time.

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Dr. Coulson also says St. Nick also perpetrates the idea of “Good” and “Bad” children and can be used as a manipulation strategy.

- Well YEAH!!! Haven’t parents been using this tactic to make their kids behave since FOREVER?? It’s the Holiday equivalent of “Wait ‘til your Father gets home!”

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Experts say the Omicron Variant causes people to experience “Mild congestion and general fatigue”.

- Sounds like something I’ve had on and off my whole life… My doctor called it “The Common Cold”.

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One year after they were the toast of the town… the former Media Darling Cuomo Brothers are both now out of a job.

- The last time two brothers fell this hard, this fast… The Wright Brothers plane ran out of gas.

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A shark tracker shows that Great Whites and other shark breeds are amassing in large numbers on the East Coast.

- Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear… And it shows them pearly white…” Does this sound like a gathering of sharks or a meeting of the Bobby Darin fan club??

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RIP… Bob Dole - World War II Hero, Patriot, longtime Senator and Presidential Candidate has died at the age of 98.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The U.S. is moving to require that all Air Travelers entering the country show a negative COVID-19 test performed within one day of departure.

- But in keeping with the Biden Immigration policy, if you WALK IN the country instead of FLYING… there’s no testing or vaccine required.

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A passenger on Delta Airlines was reportedly caught breast-feeding her cat during a flight to Atlanta.

- Two Words: Cat Nip.

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Rita Moreno told the ladies of “The View” that she dated Elvis to get back at her boyfriend Marlon Brando when she found out he was cheating on her.

- But she ended up going back to Brando because he made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.

- She added that Elvis “Wasn’t a great conversationalist”. What do you expect from a guy whose tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth from all those Peanut Butter and Nana Sandwiches?

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Yesterday, more than a month after accidentally shooting and killing a woman on his movie set, a tearful Alec Baldwin told ABC news that he “Didn’t pull the Trigger”.

- How come he didn’t mention this a month ago when he said that he only pointed the gun at the woman and fired because he thought the chamber was loaded with a blank?

- Me thinks there might be a Lawyer involved in this new explanation.

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Archeologists have unveiled the well-preserved skeleton of a Roman man who died in a cloud of 1000 degree steam while trying to flee the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in 79AD.

- Well, that’s what THEY say. Dr. Fauci says he died of COVID. .

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A 36 year old man - who didn’t want to pay the $363 dollars his pharmacy charged for his Erectile Dysfunction medication - snatched them from the cashier and ran out of the store. He now faces 6 months in jail.

- That’s a pretty stiff penalty.

- He should have gone to San Francisco! He could have gotten his ED meds AND all the jewelry he could steal… NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!

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On this day in 1804… Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned Emperor of France.

- For you non-history buffs, Napoleon was of course married to Josephine the Plumber.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

There really are no words to express the sadness we’re all feeling this morning after the shocking, nonsensical and tragic shooting that claimed the lives of three students and wounded a teacher and seven others at Oxford High School yesterday afternoon. Our hearts and Prayers are with all those whose lives have been forever changed by this senseless act.

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US Scientists have revealed that the world’s first living robots, organisms known as “Xenobots,” can now reproduce - despite being microscopic.

- So it must be true… Size DOESN’T matter!

- And they put up little microscopic stork signs in the petri dish that say “It’s a Bot”!

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Speaking of sex… According to a new study, Men who use e-cigarettes are more than twice as likely to suffer ED as non-smokers.

- This must be the reason why in the old movies, men always smoked AFTER sex. (And in twin beds, of course)

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CNN has put anchor Chris Cuomo on “Indefinite Suspension” after a report by the NY Attorney General revealed that he lied about improperly using his position to help his troubled brother - NY Gov Andrew Cuomo fight the Sexual Assault Charges that ultimately led to his resignation.

- I can think of two CNN dudes who are getting coal in their stockings this year.

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Ironically, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper announced Cuomo’s suspension last night - right after finishing a segment with Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin who was also briefly taken off the Network last year after he was caught “Pleasuring himself” during a work Zoom Call .

- Both guys behaved badly… but most agree that Cuomo wins the award for the Worst behavior… Hands Down.

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After an unexpected blizzard this weekend, dozens of customers in Britain got snowed in and trapped for three days in a pub.

- Rescuers found them on the third day when they heard voices singing, “25 thousand, 6 hundred 97 bottles of beer on the wall… 25 thousand, 6 hundred 97 bottles of beer… Take one down… Pass it around…” Well….. you know the rest.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick