Happy birthday, Michigan! On this day in 1837… Michigan OFFICIALLY became the 26th State.

- And the people who were waiting at the Secretary of States office that day… are just now reaching the front of the line.

*****

Researchers have trained a robot dog to climb the Swiss Alps.

- Which is great news if they decide to do a remake of “The Sound of Music” where the Von Trapp kids have a pet.

*****

Despite a decrease in COVID cases, Greece has begun imposing fines on people age 60 and older who haven’t gotten the Vaccine.

- Well maybe the seniors in Greece are taking a page out of the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and in lieu of getting a Vaccine… they’re using…… WINDEX! They say it cures EVERYTHING!!!

*****

“Game of Thrones” Actor Peter Dinklage - who is a “little person” is calling the new Disney remake of “Snow White” insensitive to dwarfs.

- Sounds like somebody woke up a little Grumpy this morning.

****

Speaking of Grumpy… 82 year old Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi shut down retirement rumors yesterday by announcing that she’s running for reelection.

- Well, she’s 82 so “Running” might be a bit of an overstatement.

*****

The CDC revealed that natural immunity was SIX TIMES STRONGER than Vaccines alone during the Delta Wave of COVID-19.

- So let me get this straight… The best way to keep from getting the Virus is to get the first two doses of the Vaccine… then get the Booster… then actually GET the Virus so you can build up natural immunity which will protect you SIX TIMES BETTER from getting the virus that - apparently - you already had??

*****

RIP… Peter Robbins, the actor who first put a voice to Snoopy’s best friend, Charlie Brown in 1965’s “A Charlie Brown Christmas” has taken his own life at age 65.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Yesterday at a Press Conference, President Biden called Fox News reporter Peter Doocy a “Stupid Son of a Bitch”. He later called Doocy to “Clear the air” and told him “It isn’t personal, pal”.

- You know, just like when the people in the Wuhan lab didn’t mean it “Personally” when they unleashed COVID onto the ENTIRE WORLD.

*****

To help make up for the nationwide blood shortage, Krispy Kreme is offering a FREE dozen donuts to anyone who can show proof that they donated blood to the Red Cross… or any other blood donor organization.

- Like, for example… the Mafia.

*****

Kim Kardashian and Hillary Clinton were seen together at a hip cafe in LA filming an episode of a TV show loosely based on Hillary’s 2019 book “Gutsy Women”.

- What a dynamic duo! Regarding her election loss, Hillary won’t turn the other cheek… and if Kim turns the other cheek about ANYTHING, she’ll knock somebody’s eye out.

*****

Micheal Avenatti… who represented Stormy Daniels in her failed lawsuit against former President Trump, will be back in court today - this time facing charges that he forged her signature in order to steal more than $300,000 from her.

- Which wasn’t easy to do considering it was all in singles.

*****

Pamela Anderson is calling it quits with her 5th husband - Bodyguard - Dan Hayhurst after just one year of marriage.

- It may have only been a year… but Pam said it felt like “Forever”. Which makes sense. Like her scenes on Baywatch, they started out fast and ended up in Slo-Motion.

*****

A study from the University of Amherst in Massachusetts found that Vaccinated moms pass on COVID Antibodies to their breastfeeding babies.

-Well, what about all the MEN out there who the WOKE LEFT tell us are able to have babies?? You know - the “Pregnant PERSONS”?? Can’t they breastfeed and pass on the antibodies too?? Problem solved!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

What a Football Weekend! With 4 of the most exciting games EVER!!!

Matthew Stafford and the LA Rams beat Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers when Stafford threw a last minute 44 yard pass to receiver Cooper Kupp - who was tackled at the 13 yard line. Next play - with 4 seconds left - the Rams scored - winning the game 30 -27.

If you thought that was some game… and it was… I hope you stayed tuned for the Buffalo- Kansas City game that had an even more amazing finish! With less than a minute to go… Buffalo took the lead and it looked like they’d won the game. Then, with just seconds left, Kansas City got the ball, marched down the field and scored a touchdown… Winning what many are calling one of the greatest NFL comeback finishes of All Time. The game featured two young and incredibly talented Quarterbacks: Patrick Mahomes of Kansas City and Josh Allen of the Buffalo Bills… two great QB’s of the Future!

*****

On Sunday mornings show, Chuck Todd, the usually Biden-friendly host of NBC’s “Meet the Press” said that the President is no longer considered “Easy going and likable”.

- No matter which side of the aisle you’re on… I think the solution is obvious: Joe needs more Fiber in his diet.

*****

According to a preliminary study in Israel, even a fourth shot of a COVID vaccine is “not good enough” to prevent Omicron.

- Hey… If they’re gonna make us take unlimited shots… the least they can do is turn it into a drinking game.

*****

A study by the University of Pennsylvania found that a lack of gravity can lead to social and emotional impairment for astronauts.

- It’s just like a relationship on Earth. You start out close… and then you start drifting apart.

*****

A new study names Michigan one of the worst States in the country to drive in.

- And if you don’t believe it… Just ask the people who have been stuck in one of our many Roundabouts since 2019.

*****

29 year old Shane McInerney is out on bond after disrupting a flight from Dublin Ireland to JFK in NYC by throwing an empty beer can at a fellow passenger, kicking the seat in front of him and pulling down his underwear to moon the flight attendant.

- Let’s see… His name is Shane McInerney and he’s from Ireland. Ya think maybe ALCOHOL was involved??

*****

RIP… Pop Rock Singer Meatloaf who died at age 74 and Comedian Louie Anderson who passed away at the age of 68.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Buzz Aldrin who turns 92 today!

- Buzz is a member of an elite group who have walked on the moon including Neil Armstong, Pete Conrad… and the most famous Moon-walker of all, Michael Jackson.

*****

67 year old Jim Belushi is now a cannabis farmer and claims that if his brother John had smoked Pot instead of using Cocaine and Heroin… he’d be alive today.

- He’d be a 72 year old man in a Toga… but he’d be ALIVE.

*****

The Biden administration will start shipping 400-million free non-surgical N95 face masks to distribution sites nationwide this week.

- Which is PERFECT… When it comes to the Government, we should be gettin’ the Masks just in time for Halloween!

*****

This week, Dr. Fauci said we are still in the FIRST of FIVE Stages of the Pandemic…and cautioned against thinking we are further along than we actually are.

- It’s kind of like when your at a Movie theater… and you’ve finished the entire Large Bucket of Buttered Popcorn and 72 ounce Diet Coke Combo… and you realize your still watching the previews.

*****

Rumors are swirling that Harry and Meghan may decline to attend the Memorial event for Harry’s grandfather Phillip because the Queen won’t allow Harry to hire Private Police Protection while he’s in England.

- This reminds me of a game we used to play when we were kids… Remember how we’d challenge each other to “Silence Contests” to see who could stay quiet the longest??? Whataya say we challenge Harry and Meghan to one of those??

*****

A new study found that Arthritis can potentially be cured by zapping a person's bones with electricity.

- They got the idea from a man who Tazed his wife during a romantic game of “Cops and Robbers” and when she came to… her arthritis was Gone!

*****

Alec Baldwin is being sued for $25 MILLION for making a false and defamatory claim about the sister of a fallen Marine in Afghanistan… after he said she was part of the Capitol riot on January 6th - which she denies.

- Hey… at least all Alec did THIS time was shoot his MOUTH off.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Russian woman’s pet cat is on track to make history as the largest HOUSE CAT EVER… “Kefir” - who is only 22 months old - currently weighs in at a whopping 22 pounds.

- The Cat’s big enough to be one of Putin’s Secret New Military Weapons.

*****

And speaking of BIG… Dolly Parton turns 76 today!

*****

At an event held at the Senate in Italy Monday, someone hacked into the video session and began streaming an “Adult Film”.

- Or as we’d call it in America… “Pulling a Jeffrey Toobin”.

*****

Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Malik McDowell is out on bail after being arrested for public exposure while walking naked on the grounds of a preschool in South Florida.

- It’s bad enough he was walking naked… he also wasn’t wearing a Mask.

*****

A fuel price expert is warning that inflation and increased travel could push gas prices above $4 a gallon this Spring.

- The good news is… GasBuddy.com reports the price of a Bean Burrito at Taco Bell is holding steady at $1.49.

*****

The Federal Government will allow 18 to 20 year olds to drive BIG RIGS from State to State as part of an Apprenticeship Test Program designed to ease supply chain backlogs.

- This is a GREAT idea!!!! Maybe we can also get the teenagers to pick up the slack from the hundreds of AIRLINE PILOTS who are calling in sick because of COVID!

*****

Spain held it’s annual "Las Luminarias" Festival last weekend - a 500 year old tradition in which Spaniards ride horses into bonfires.

- It’s for people just to chicken to participate in the “Running of the Bulls”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

As you’ve probably heard by now, on Friday it was announced that after 20 years, DTE Energy Music Theater is returning to its iconic name of Pine Knob!!! In celebration of the historic move, I put a screen shot of my #5 daughter Jessica’s Facebook post up this morning. It was an obviously tongue-in-cheek reaction to what we’ve all been saying since the name was changed back in 2001. The most hysterical part was… some people thought she was serious! Thanks, Jess!

*****

U of M fired president Mark Schlissel "effective immediately" following an “anonymous complaint” and the release of emails he sent to a unnamed subordinate of a “sexual nature”… including the use of the Jewish snack food “Knish” as a euphemism for “Kiss”.

- He was gonna use “Let’s Go Blue” as the code word… but it turns out the girl doesn’t have BLUE eyes and “Let’s Go Brown” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

*****

On Friday, Netflix announced that it’s raising it’s prices again.

- This is bad news for my son-in-law whose Password I’ve been using for the last 5 years.

*****

This morning the Beijing Winter Olympics Organizing Committee announced that due to concerns about the spread of COVID, tickets to the upcoming games will NOT be sold to the general public - but will be “Distributed by Communist Authorities” instead.

- Put another way… If you’re friends with Hunter Biden… start packin’… YOU’RE GOING TO THE OLYMPICS!!!

*****

A new study shows that Amazon scams have skyrocketed by 500% in the past year.

- But unlike other scams, with Amazon - they drain your bank account in just TWO DAYS if you have PRIME!

*****

A new study shows that WOMEN FIND MEN IN MASKS MORE ATTRACTIVE!

- So look for Dr. Fauci on the cover of People’s Magazine’s “Sexiest Epidemiologist Alive” issue.

- This is good news for Spiderman and Batman… but not such good news for Superman - who doesn’t wear a mask. (Thankfully he’s got Lois Lane who still loves him!!)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s National Rubber Ducky Day!

So fill up the tub… don’t be a Schmuck!

Grab the soap… And Float your Duck!

*****

A family in Minnesota donated a recliner to a thrift store… not knowing their pet cat was hiding inside. When store employees heard the chair “Meowing”… they freed the cat and returned him safely to his owners.

- The same thing happened to me when I worked at a furniture store one summer. Except I found a dog hiding in a Bark-a-lounger. (Bada Boom)

*****

A new study in the UK shows that a farmer who gave his cows Virtual Reality headsets that showed them in a summer field has increased milk production because it puts them in a better mood.

- On the whole, they say their mood has improved about 2%.

*****

In June, Hunter Biden’s Ex-Wife Kathleen is set to release a tell-all about their 24 year marriage - in which she details how he spent their money on drugs, alcohol, prostitutes and strip clubs.

- Hey… how about telling us something we don’t already know?

*****

Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss is moving out of Nevada to Missouri after someone shot her parrot.

- So I guess they were wrong. What happens in Vegas DOESN’T stay in VEGAS. It moves to Missouri.

*****

With the cost of food continuing to rise, Domino's Pizza announced that it’s cutting its $7.99 order of wings from 10 to 8 pieces of chicken.

- Reminds me of the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life” when Zuzu looks at her dad and says, “Every time Inflation reaches a 40 year high… Domino’s Cut’s the number of Wings!”

*****

RIP… Ronnie Spector… of the Ronettes who’s hit’s included “Sleigh Ride”, “Frosty the Snowman”, and “Be My Baby” among others has died at the age of 78.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Controversial University of Pennsylvania transgender swimmer, Lia Thomas, who was born male and is transitioning to female was defeated by another transgender swimmer from Yale Saturday - who was born female and is transitioning to male.

- I don’t care if they’re male or female… as long as they don’t pee in the pool.

*****

A study published in the Journal of Nature Products found that compounds found in Cannabis - ie: Marijuana - have potential to combat COVID in humans.

- This explains why Willie Nelson always looks so gosh darn Healthy!!

*****

The Biden administration announced that starting Saturday, Health Insurers must pay for eight COVID-19 home tests per month - per person - per household.

- Awesome! Now all the Government has to do is get some tests.

*****

A man in Portland, Oregon claims his “manhood” shrunk by an inch-and-a-half due to Covid, and doctors say it can’t be fixed.

- You’ve heard of “Long Covid”? Well, this is the OPPOSITE of THAT.

*****

In a related story, a man in California claims he woke up recently and couldn’t find his “Fellas”.

- Turns out it has nothing to do with Covid… Doctors say it was “caused by his marriage to Meghan Markle”.

*****

A man described as an Antifa activist was caught at a conservative rally in Florida with a homemade pipe bomb and a checklist of items he needed to commit an attack, including: a "Gas Mask," "Flammable Rags," "Matches," and "Snacks."

- Ironically… the most dangerous thing on the list was the snacks: Flaming Hot Cheetos.

*****

On this day in 1995 the murder trial of OJ Simpson begin in Los Angeles.

- And bless his heart… 27 years later… he’s still looking for the real killer or killers.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Doctors say a 57-year-old Maryland man is “doing well” 3 days after receiving a genetically modified Pig Heart in a 1st-of-its-kind transplant surgery.

- More details when they become available… but for now… Th…Th…Th…That’s All Folks!!

*****

The Treasury Department is warning of long delays in Tax Refund Checks this year due to “enormous challenges” brought on by the Pandemic and supply chain issues.

- How about we all send the IRS a note telling them there’s going to be a long delay in us PAYING OUR TAXES for the same reason. How do you think that’ll go over??

*****

Martha Stewart and Rapper Snoop Dogg wore matching diamond-and-gold glasses while taping “Puppy Bowl XVIII”… the 3-Hour TV special TV Special which features 70 adoptable puppies competing for the coveted “Lombarky” trophy.

- There was some drama when one of the Snauzers appeared to take a knee during the playing of the National Anthem… but it turned out he was just going to the bathroom.

*****

Customs and Border Patrol Agents in Progresso, Texas have reportedly intercepted a 20-year-old American woman trying to smuggle Spider Monkeys into the U-S.

- Why did she try to SMUGGLE them? Why not just let them walk across with everybody else??

*****

A Pennsylvania man is facing an indecent exposure charge, after police say he walked into a car dealership completely naked - hoping to take a test drive.

- He says he was looking for an automatic but ended up with five on the floor.

*****

According to a new survey of 2,000 adults half of Americans don’t know how to cook Pasta and more than a third said they struggle to make something as simple as Eggs.

- Anyone who thinks eggs are simple to make has obviously NEVER asked a Chicken.

*****

RIP… Sidney Poitier, Bob Saget, Dwayne Hickman (Dobie Gillis), Marilyn Bergman (Lyricist - “The Way We Were”, “Windmills of Your Mind”, “Summer of 42”) & Peter Bogdanovich (Director - “The Last Picture Show”, “Paper Moon”).

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The NFL is exploring holding the Super Bowl in another location if COVID restrictions in California make it impossible to hold it in L.A.

- Why not go with Ford Field? The Lions play there all the time and they rarely catch anything.

*****

The World Health Organization is now warning about “Flurona” - which they say is a very real condition in which a person contracts the Flu and the Coronavirus at the same time.

- Which leads to another condition known as “Yougottabekiddingme-itis”.

*****

The WHO says Flurona symptoms are the same as flu and Covid symptoms, and can include fever, cough, fatigue, runny nose, sore throat, diarrhea, and muscle and body aches… and can be spread by coughing, sneezing, talking, singing and BREATHING.

- So far today, I’ve coughed once, sneezed twice, talked three times… but I haven’t done any singing or breathing… so I guess I’m good for now.

*****

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro was taken to a Sao Paulo hospital for tests early Monday after experiencing abdominal discomfort.

- Usually when you hear “Brazilian” and “Abdominal Discomfort” in the same sentence… there’s a Russian woman and hot wax involved.

*****

BMW unveiled the world’s first ever color-changing Sports Activity Vehicle at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas… that can switch from White to Black at the press of a button.

- If only OJ’s White Bronco had had this technology he might have evaded the police and he could have gotten away with MURDER!!! Oh… wait a minute… he already did.

*****

For the first time in history an Aircraft Carrier - the USS Abraham Lincoln - has deployed under a female Captain.

- Hundreds waited anxiously onshore as she checked her lipstick in the ship’s rear-view mirror, put on her Barry Manilow tape, checked her phone, took a sip of her Diet Coke and proudly backed the ship out of Port.

*****

75 year old Cher says that she refuses to let her hair go gray.

- Uh oh! She’s in trouble now… because Prez. Biden just put Kamala Harris in charge of finding the “Root Cause” of why people’s hair turns Gray.

*****

RIP… Lawrence N. Brooks, the oldest U.S. World War II veteran has died at the age of 112.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The former Chief Scientist for NASA says that all we have to do to make it possible for Humans to live on Mars is to create a giant magnetic shield and put it around Mars to block energy from the sun and keep it from over-heating the Martian surface.

- He got the idea from a Super Hero comic book he read over Christmas..

*****

KFC is starting the new year by launching a new plant-based fried chicken made with “Beyond Meat”.

- Is it just me or does that sound Finger Lickin’ Gross??

*****

Jeff Bezos says his new buff body is the result of a strict diet and a personal trainer… but there are rumors that he’s taking a Testosterone Replacement to build muscle.

- The Testosterone would also explain why he went into space on a rocket ship shaped like… well… you know.

*****

The government of Quebec has reversed course and will exempt Dog-Walkers from their new 10pm COVID curfew after facing backlash from pet owners.

- Unlike their dogs, they don’t think the Government should stick their noses in other peoples business.

*****

A new report claims Americans are naming their dogs "COVID" because of the pandemic.

- If I wanted to name my Dog after something annoying that won’t go away… I think I’d go with “Dr. Fauci”.

*****

California twins were born just fifteen minutes apart but in different years — with one born just a few minutes before midnight in 2021 and the other at exactly Midnight on New Year’s Day in 2022.

- Both babies rang in the New Year happily babbling and drooling… not unlike those two guys who co-hosted the Ball-Drop on CNN.

******

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Betty White’s longtime manager says that the 99 year old’s last word was “Allen”… the name of her third husband and love of her life - game show host, Allen Ludden.

- Call me crazy… but maybe Allen was the “Password” to get into Heaven???

*****

Over the Holidays, Queen Elizabeth delivered her annual Address to the Nation and said it was a difficult Christmas without “one familiar face”… Prince Phillip - but never mentioned Harry or Meghan.

- Apparently the Queen wasn’t too thrilled with the “Sheppard’s Pie of the Month Club” they sent her for Christmas.

*****

The ladies of “The View” are doing the show from their homes because of COVID - and on Mondays show Joy Behar announced that Whoopi Goldberg has tested positive but has “very, very mild symptoms” and will likely be back next week.

- I’m not much for Mask Mandates… But how about Muzzles??

*****

Speaking of COVID… All Indoor Dining, Gyms and Movie Theaters in Ontario are closed - again - and schools have gone back to online classes.

- I wish I’d gone to school in Canada. That way whenever my Mother asked me “How’d your test go, Dickie?” I could have said, “It went good, eh?” And she would have said, “An ‘A’? That’s not just good… it’s wonderful”.

*****

The NHL's Outdoor Winter Classic between the St. Louis Blues and the Minnesota Wild was the coldest Pro-Sporting event in history, with a temperature of MINUS 5.7 degrees.

- It was even colder than the Lions were this season. (But on the bright side (?) with Sundays loss to Seattle, the Lions did “Lock in” the #1 and #2 Draft Picks for next season!)

*****

25 years after it was first introduced, Little Caesars has raised the price of its famous Hot ‘n Ready Pizza from $5 to $5.55 nationwide.

- Fans of Hot ‘n Ready say $5.55 is still a great price for a Large Pizza, but Bernie Sanders says it’s “An elitist attempt to keep Pizza away from all but the Upper Crust”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The CDC is being widely mocked for doing a series of U-turns on their COVID policies in the last week… and is now admitting “it’s not just about following the science” but we “Need to keep the country running”.

- If ONLY they had thought of that a year ago!!

*****

Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen once again giggled their way through CNN’s live New Year’s Eve Coverage.

- Couldn’t CNN do better than these two? Like maybe get the the guys from “Dumb and Dumber”??

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are preparing to leave their $11 million dollar California mansion because the couple “Isn't in love” with the property.

- And by “the couple” they mean “Meghan”.

*****

Just 72 hours before her ventilator was scheduled to be turned off, a nurse in the UK awoke from a 28 day Covid-induced Coma after some of her friends on the nursing staff gave her Viagra.

- She was up and around in no time.

*****

Scientists say that people whose feet give off the same odor as that produced by LIMBURGER CHEESE are more likely to be bitten by mosquitos than people whose feet are “scented” like other cheeses.

- I would have thought the mosquitos would be attracted to Vel-feet-a.

*****

If you ate unhealthy over the Holidays… you might want to try some popcorn. Why? Nutritionists say its whole grain, has plenty of fiber and is low in calories.

- It’s also a great way to get more melted butter and salt into your diet!

- And if you add a little caramel… it makes for a great dessert!

*****

RIP… Betty White and the NFL’s John Madden and Dan Reeves.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The President and First Lady welcomed a new German Shepherd puppy to the Family.

- The Prez thanked the American people for their “Outpouring of well-wishes”… and smacked the puppy on the nose with a newspaper for his “Outpouring” all over the Oval Office carpet.

*****

A new report claims "Mrs. Claus" has become a popular character in X-Rated movies.

- Consider yourself lucky that all you saw was your Mommy KISSING Santa Claus.

*****

According to a recent survey, 7 in 10 Americans don’t know that the movies “Die Hard” and “Mean Girls” are actually based on books.

- For those of you who would like to read the original books - “Die Hard” tells the story of a Car Battery… and “Mean Girls” is a behind-the-scenes-look at the Ladies of “The View”.

*****

A Missouri man with a white beard and Santa hat was arrested for robbing a credit union.

- Police are still looking for his accomplice who they describe as “Aprroximately 3 1/2 feet tall, wearing a green hat and pointy shoes”.

*****

On this day in 1997 - 3 years after the famous attack that Tonya Harding orchestrated on Nancy Kerrigan’s knee down at Cobo Hall - Nancy & Tonya pre-recorded a TV show to air on FOX.

- Tonya, of course is the one who Colin Kaepernick credits with giving him the idea of “Taking a Knee”.

- Tonya was so much smarter than Jussie Smolett! At least she had the sense to hire someone to beat up NANCY’s, not HER OWN KNEE. Jussie paid two guys to beat HIMSELF up. What a moron!!

*****

A Chinese woman believed to be “The World’s Oldest Person EVER” has died suddenly at the age of 135.

- Suddenly??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Former President Trump says that China should pay $60 TRILLION as reparations for the Coronavirus pandemic.

- I’m bettin’ Trump wants to use the money to build the Wall. Which begs the question… What does China know about building a Wall??

*****

According to a Poll out of the University of Michigan, traditions like wearing matching outfits for Christmas Card photos can cause stress among family members.

- Why not avoid the stress and do what the Kardashians do: Pose for your family Holiday photos in the Butt… uh, I mean… BUFF. Ho! Ho! Ho!

*****

“Jeopardy!” has invited Steve Martin to appear on the show anytime after fans noted a striking resemblance between Martin and the winner of last week’s “Professor’s Tournament”.

- I can just hear Johnny Gilbert introducing him… “Now entering the studio are today’s contestants!

Now when he was a young man,

He never thought he'd see

People stand in line to see the boy king.

(King Tut) How'd you get so funky?

(Funky Tut) Did you do the monkey?

Born in Arizona,

Moved to Babylonia (King Tut).

Buried with a donkey (Funky Tut)

He's my favorite honky!

He coulda won a Grammy,

Buried in his jammies,

Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia,

He was born in Arizona, lived in a condo made of stone-a,

Please welcome…. King Tut!!!”

*****

The U.S. Navy unveiled a new Maternity Uniform that will be available for Pregnant Sailors free of charge starting in 2022.

- Looks like some of the ladies in the Navy found themselves A Few Good Men.

*****

Hillary Clinton admits her new political thriller “State of Terror” is based on Donald Trump's Presidency and accuses him of being a “Danger” to the nation.

- Here’s an idea: She should write a book about HER political life after 2016 called “State of Denial”.

*****

Ghislaine Maxwell has asked to be addressed as "Ms. Maxwell" in the courtroom instead of "The Defendant."

- The way things are going, pretty soon she’s going to be referred to as “Ms. #6290598207”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Christmas movie classic “It’s a Wonderful Life” turned 75 this year. I watched it for the first time in a long while the other night. Personally I think they should have updated it and made it more “Woke” For instance… instead of having the people of Bedford Falls give their money to George Bailey, they should have given him the Jewelry they got during a during Smash and Grab at “Anderson’s Department Store” and little Zuzu could tell George “Every time a Bell Rings… An Angel Get’s It’s Booster Shot!”

*****

On Friday, Radio City Music Hall in NYC announced that they were cancelling the remainder of the Rockettes “Christmas Spectacular” because of COVID.

- They said they’ll spend the down time rehearsing so they’ll have a leg up on next years show.

*****

Twas the Sunday before Christmas and all through my house…

The Lions were playing… I was ready to grouse!

When what to my wondering eyes should appear…

But a REAL FOOTBALL TEAM… How I hooted and cheered!

They missed barely a play and went straight to their work…

30 BIG POINTS… Great passes and fieldwork!

On Goff! On Campbell! And the other guys too!

They sent the Cards to the locker room crying… Boo Hoo!!!

I heard myself say ‘ere I turned out the light…

Win the Super Bowl Someday?? You know… The Lions just might!!!

(Perhaps I’m being a little overly optimistic here… but… hey… It’s CHRISTMAS!!!)

*****

Elon Musk - The Richest Man in the World - announced on Twitter that we will be writing a check to the IRS for $11 BILLION in taxes this year - just weeks after Elizabeth Warren accused him of “Freeloading off everyone else”.

- Even Liz has to admit 11 BILLION is a lot of Wampum.

*****

A McDonald’s in China has installed EXERCISE BIKES in it’s dining room for “HEALTH-CONSCIOUS JUNK FOOD EATERS”. A Big Mac meal has 1,080 calories in it, which means people would have to cycle between 13.5 and 27 miles on the bikes if they wanted to counteract the meal's total calorie count.

- It’s part of their new “McOxymoron Menu”.

*****

Just two days after Police issued a search warrant for his cell phone in the movie set shooting investigation, Alec Baldwin and his wife Hilaria were pulled over by Police in the Hamptons.

- At this point, even the Cuomo Brothers are having a better Christmas than Alec.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

For those of you who commented on the Kangaroo story yesterday… Here’s another one today. (Thanks to Tom Ryan!)

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Two Zebras who have been on the loose in Maryland since escaping from a family farm in August have been recovered safe and sound.

- The last time two Zebras made headlines for being “On the Lam”… Noah hosted “Date Night on the Ark”.

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President Biden and VP Kamala Harris and their spouses attended a Holiday Party last night.

- Kamala gave Joe a pair of Boxers that say “Commander in Briefs” and Joe gave Kamala a gift certificate to “The Rio Grande Restaurant” on the Border… because… you know, she’s never been there.

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A new study says political polarization in the U.S. is reaching a tipping point such that Democrats and Republicans can never unite again.

- Oh come on! If Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez can work things out and get back together THEY CAN TOO!!

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Nancy Pelosi finally came out and denounced the rampant wave of smash and grab looting in her home district of San Francisco as “Absolutely outrageous” and says it “Cannot continue”… AFTER the Mayor of SF had come out and said the same thing THE DAY BEFORE.

- Oh sure… Smash and grabs are all fun and games until somebody steals all the hair dye from your Salon.

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The Justice Department is investigating a group of FBI agents for soliciting prostitutes.

- Turns out the “G-Men” are actually “G-String Men”.

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The former Bruce-now-Caitlyn Jenner says He/She’s never going to eat at the Beverly Hill’s Hotel’s swanky Polo Lounge again after they refused her service over a “tiny rip” in the leg of her jeans that they claim violated their dress code.

- They might have kicked her out for more than that if they’d had somebody on hand looking for “Suspicious Packages”.

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On this date in 1950, Shirley Temple announced her retirement from films at the age of 22.

- She immediately left on a Cruise around the World… on the Good Ship Lollipop.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Experts claim that 8 MILLION people in Australia will regift presents they receive this Christmas because they don’t like them.

- It be so much easier if people just told you what they want AHEAD of time! Because the hour and a half you’ve spend wrapping that Kangaroo is an hour and a half you’re NEVER gonna get back!

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A new study claims the average person is just as smart as Brain Surgeons and Rocket Scientists.

- I knew we was just as smart as they is!

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Russian President Putin and Chinese President Xi held a Video Call this morning to discuss global strategy.

- For those of you who don’t follow politics… this is like the Wicked Witch of the East and Jason from the Halloween Movies having coffee over Zoom.

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The Stanford School of Medicine has found that the blood of athletes can be used to increase the fitness of lazy people.

- I’m not sayin’ they’re lazy… but seems to me if we can just get Tom Brady to donate Blood… THE LIONS ARE GOIN’ TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!

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The majority of Soda Pop makers are dropping “Diet” from their low-cal drink labels and using “Zero-Sugar” instead. Why? Industry experts say it’s because “Younger people don’t like the word “Diet”.

- With 11 MILLION Job openings in the US right now… it appears they don’t like the word “Work” either.

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A Singapore Resident in his 60s says he’s lucky to be alive after being bitten 26 times by a gang of Otters.

- Well you know what they say… If it’s not one thing, it’s an Otter.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

In Saudi Arabia, dozens of Camels have been disqualified from a Camel beauty contest for illegal use of Botox.

- Thankfully the Swimsuit Competition is still a Go!

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Yesterday, Alec Baldwin’s wife Hilaria said that Alec once “Shushed” her while she was in labor with their son.

- Knowing Alec… I’d say she got off easy.

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Elon Musk - Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” for 2021 says he plans to fly a Noah’s Ark Spaceship packed full of Animals to Mars.

- I have some experience with this kind of trip. When my kids were little, I once drove two dogs and a hamster to Buffalo in our family van. God Speed, Elon!

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A New Zealand man who was vaccinated against COVID-19 ten times in one day “On behalf of other people” has been called “unbelievably selfish” and has sparked an investigation.

- Just goes to show you… You’re screwed if you do… You’re crewed if you don’t.

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The NY Post is reporting that after several members of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” cast tested positive for COVID, production on the show has been partially shut down.

- I knew sooner or later something GOOD was bound to come out of the Pandemic!

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A Chinese man has been jailed for stealing $23,500 from his ex-girlfriend’s bank account by PULLING UP HER EYELIDS while she was sleeping to activate her phone’s Facial Recognition feature.

- Even Bill Cosby didn’t think of doin’ THAT.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yesterday… Four of my daughters - Jackie, Jill, JoAnne and Jessica went to see Stephen Speilberg’s remake of West Side Story. They were HUGE fans of the original and they were a little nervous the new version would be too Politically Correct. And the verdict is… They loved it!

It’s always risky to remake a classic movie. For example… When they remade “Psycho” in 1998… who’s idea was it to use a Walk-In Bath Tub in the Shower Scene??

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They told us last week that the Lions had to win all five of their remaining games to make the play offs… Since they lost to Denver yesterday, THAT’s NOT GONNA HAPPEN. But there is GOOD NEWS!!! The Lions are now on track to get the #1 Draft Pick by having the #1 WORST RECORD in THE NFL!!! We’re #1!!! We’re #1!!!

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President Biden is getting historically low marks on Immigration and Crime, but 53% of those polled APPROVE of his handling of COVID.

- Well that’s a much needed shot in the arm for Joe.

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McDonald’s is celebrating the Holidays with a Special “Mariah Menu”… featuring some of Mariah Carey’s favorite menu items - including Pancakes, McNuggets, Cheeseburgers and Big Macs FREE with any purchase of $1 or more.

- Which reminds me… “All I Want for Christmas… Is to Know Which Part of the Chicken the McNuggets Come From”.

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Chicago Police say one of the biggest clues that led them to believe that Jussie Smolett was lying about being attacked was that he held on to the Subway Sandwich he bought before the alleged “attack” - saying most “victims” drop everything out of fear.

- Obviously that cop has never had a Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki on White with Extra Cheese and Mayo…Toasted.

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A US Navy Warship Commander who refused to get vaccinated or submit to regular covid testing has been FIRED from his job on the U.S.S. Winston Churchill.

- I am in no way anti-Vaccine… but I say we should keep anybody who’s willing to take a missile for us, even if he’s not willing to take a shot.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick