Protestors set up a GUILLOTINE outside Jeff Bezos house in Washington DC house saying “Support our Poor Communities not Wealthy Men”.

- How much you want to bet they ordered the Guillotine from Amazon??

*****

Vladimir Putin says he’ll CONSIDER running for President through 2036 - but ONLY if the Russian Parliament votes to amend the Constitution allowing him to do that.

- And, honestly, what are the chances of them doing that??

- I mean what’s he gonna do?? Put a gun to their heads??

*****

A woman in Uganda - dubbed the World's Most Fertile Woman - has become a single mother after her husband walked out after the birth of their FORTY-FORTH CHILD.

- It reminds me of what George Kell used to say when Sparky Anderson walked out to the mound to change pitchers… “He has seen enough”.

*****

Mississippi Lawmakers have voted to remove the Confederate symbol from their State Flag.

- Those OPPOSED to the move said, “M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-WHY??”

*****

For their flight to the moon in 2024, NASA is offering a $20,000 reward to the person who designs the best space toilet.

- They want it to be sound proof “Because in Space… No One Should Hear You………… !!!”

*****

Kim Kardashian says her cosmetics brand is now worth $1 BILLION after signing a new deal with COTY Cosmetics.

- That’s a hefty bottom line.

*****

RIP… Carl Reiner. 98.

*****

Congratulations to Sherry Margolis who retires today after 35 years at Fox 2 in Detroit!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Joe Biden is vowing to release his campaign diversity data after facing criticism that his staff is overwhelmingly White.

- How long do you figure it’s gonna be before someone starts complaining about the name of the White House??

*****

Congrats to “Jeopardy” and Host Alex Trebek who took home Statues for Best Game Show and Best Game Show Host at the 47th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards.

- But the way things are going… their “Statues” will be torn down by the end of the week.

*****

Meanwhile, “The Young and the Restless” won Eight awards.

- Y&R went on the air almost 50 years ago which mens the Original Cast is now “The Old and The Incontinent”.

*****

CHOP protestors in Seattle’s “Police Free Zone” have moved into the abandoned Police Precinct.

- Cuz, you know, when you’re trying to lead a revolution, you need air conditioning and all the donut shops on Speed Dial.

*****

According to new “Wedding Rules” in Britain, the Brides and Grooms have to wash their hands immediately before and after exchanging rings.

- In the old days, Brides were supposed to be “Pure”… Now they have to be “Purell”.

*****

A Florida woman was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend with a pizza.

- The argument started because he was feeling “Hot” but she wasn’t “Ready”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Joe Biden will accept the Democrat Nomination in a “Virtual” Convention without any delegates. In other breaking news… 12 time Hot Dog Eating Champ Joey Chestnut has announced he will attempt to break his record of 74 Hot Dogs - with 5 challengers in an air conditioned venue.

- So Joey Chestnut will defend his HOT DOG EATING CHAMPIONSHIP alongside 5 challengers in an air conditioned auditorium… but Joe Biden’s gonna accept the Democratic nomination for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES with no challengers in his air-conditioned BASEMENT???

*****

President Trump’s plan to visit Mt. Rushmore on the 4th of July has drawn anger from Native Americans.

- Elizabeth Warren is really on the warpath.

*****

New York’s Governor Cuomo announced that Cops will stop cars with license plates from Coronavirus Hot Spot states and issue $1000 fines to people for not quarantining.

- Oh sure… NOW they WANT the Cops.

*****

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is threatening to create a “sensational event” that will lead to the destruction of America.

- His plan is to Defund the Police and tear down our statues!!

*****

The McDonald’s in NYC’s Times Square is closing its doors after seventeen years.

- If a burger joint was going to close because of the riots you’d think it would be White Castle.

*****

A 62 year old Indiana woman is facing charges of animal cruelty after she tried to neuter her dog using a rubber band.

- The dog ran away… not to mention her Husband!!

*****

A Chinese man’s bladder exploded after he held his pee for 18 hours during a beer drinking binge.

- How did he hold it for the first 17 hours you ask? Ancient Chinese Secret!!

- NOTE TO BEER DRINKERS: If you hold it too long… Urine for big trouble.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump says he wants to offer Americans a very generous second “Stimulus Package.”

- That sounds familiar… Back in the 90’s, didn’t Bill Clinton offer a “Stimulus Package” to someone when he was in that little room off the Oval Office?

*****

Scientists say the number of space settlers needed to successfully start a colony on Mars is 110.

- If we start with the co-hosts of “The View”… we’ve only got 105 more to go!

*****

A 52 year old Pennsylvania mom has been arrested for driving her 28 year old son to and from a store which he robbed of $4000 dollars.

- Give her a break. These days it’s not easy to organize a Home-School Field Trip

*****

Porn Star Ron Jeremy has vehemently denied charges that he sexually assualted three women.

- The alleged victims say they can describe his man-parts… but then again I’d imagine anyone who’s ever seen one of his movies can to it too.

*****

On Thursday, Delta will become the first airline to resume flights between the U.S. and China… with some restrictions.

- You can only bring two bags when you leave NYC and one Virus on the flight back from Beijing.

*****

A dog from Tennessee named “Augie,” turned 20 in April making her the oldest living Golden Retriever in history.

- To celebrate, the owners threw her a party… but she kept bringin’ it back.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

As historical statues continue to be torn down there are rising fears that Mount Rushmore could come under attack.

- Where would they even begin?? If I was one of those moronic rioters, I’d pick George Washington’s nose.

*****

The family of a Texas woman who played Aunt Jemima is upset that Quaker has decided to scrap her legacy by doing away with the brand.

- Speaking of which, I remember the time daughter #2, Jackie, asked me why Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben slept in separate cupboards. (True!)

*****

Apple is closing eleven stores around the country after a surge in Coronavirus cases.

- So apparently an Apple a day WON’T keep the Virus away.

*****

A new study found that exercising too much may shorten your life span.

- If the reverse it true, Micheal Moore will be around for another hundred years!

*****

A British man was busted at the Brussels Airport for carrying a fake penis that was filled with cocaine.

- To add to his humiliation, the Flight Attendant said the penis was “Small enough to fit in the pocket of the seatback in front of him”.

*****

The AMC Theater Chain has reversed its position and will now require all moviegoers to wear a mask when theaters open in July.

- So let me get this straight… we buy the popcorn, put in in the mask, put the mask on and graze during the movie??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A survey by Omaha Steaks found that 68% of men admit to feeling more like their father with each passing year.

- Another survey found that Bruce Jenner feels more like his mother every year.

*****

“Tiz The Law” won the 152nd running of the Belmont Stakes in New York Saturday.

- Since his name includes “Law”… I guess now we can expect a “Defund the Horse” movement.

*****

Teenage Tik Tok Users are claiming responsibility for the low turnout at Prez Trump’s rally by purposely reserving tickets and then not showing up.

- I always thought “Tik Tok’s” were those the little mints in plastic containers some women carry at the bottom of their purse.

*****

Trump is under fire for referring to the Coronavirus as the “Kung Flu,” which some say is racist.

- Everybody is “Kung Flu Fighting” about it.

*****

Over the weekend, protesters tore down statues of Union Leader Ulysses S. Grant and “Star Spangled Banner” writer Francis Scott Key.

- How long until somebody claims that Lady Liberty is racist because she’s white and “put herself up on a pedestal”??

*****

A wildlife photographer caught a rare picture of a Humpback Whale’s massive ten foot penis off the coast of Australia.

- Reminds me of a book by Herman Melville I had to read in high school… I just can’t remember the name!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick

To the over 150,000 of you who responded to the news of my marriage, Donna and I can’t begin to thank you enough for all of your kind comments about our Wedding last weekend! They meant the world to us! And in case you were wondering… We’re going to enjoy being married for a while before we start trying to have children!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

And now… on with the news!

*****

Democrat insiders say Elizabeth Warren, who turns 71 on Monday, is emerging as the leader on Joe Biden’s short list for VP even though he is under pressure to pick a Black Woman.

- Apparently Elizabeth assured Joe that as “Chief”, she has the power to change herself from “Indian” to “Black”.

- Warren is favored by 57% of voters according to a new Totem Poll.

*****

Ford says it’s decision to unveil the new Bronco on July 9th - OJ SIMPSON’s BIRTHDAY - is a “complete coincidence”.

- If you want a test drive just call Ford and ask for Al Cowlings.

- Car experts say the new Bronco can go from Zero to 25 in under 6 seconds!!

*****

A growing number of airlines are banning alcoholic drink sales because of Coronavirus concerns.

- If you still want to drink, you’ll have to bring your own. You know… Like the Pilots do.

*****

It’s been 3 months since he was diagnosed with COVID-19 - Prince Charles says his sense of smell and taste hasn’t come back.

- This explains why he’s been raving about British food.

*****

Chuck E. Cheese is said to be on the brink of filing for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.

- Apparently they don’t have enough tokens to pay all their bills.

*****

A new poll found that Americans are the unhappiest they’ve been in the past fifty years.

- Why?? Is something going on??

*****

14,000 people have signed a “Change.Org” petition to replace Tennessee’s Confederate Monuments with Bronze statues of DOLLY PARTON.

- As soon as the news broke… They ran out of Bronze.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

You may have heard by now… I had kind of a big weekend. I got married! Her name is Donna and she is a very wonderful lady.

Let me back up a bit. When I lost Gail back in 2018 - I was devastated. We were married for 60 years - together for 65. Losing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.

In my attempt to “get out more” (everyone kept telling me to do that) I ended up having lunch with a lady that Gail and I had known from “back in the day” as the kids say. That lady was Donna.

She was kind, funny and understanding. And - it occurred to me as time went on - she was pretty darn good looking too! Lunches turned to dinners and, well… you can figure out the rest.

We got married this past Saturday at my house with our combined kids (Six daughters for me, one for her), their husbands, our grandkids (10 in all!) and some of our closest friends cheering us on.

It was a fabulous day - great weather, great food, great music, great people! The only thing that could have made it better would have been a Wedding Night that didn’t require staying 6 away from each other!

To be honest, this is not something I ever imagined happening at this stage of my life (You know, being 49 and all) but I’m so grateful that it did!

See you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

President Trump celebrated his 74th Birthday Sunday.

- He opened gifts and had cake… after making a wish and blowing out the flames on a Police car.

*****

Are you ready kids??? CNN is reporting that a cryptic Gay Pride Tweet sent out by Nickelodeon is proof that Spongebob Square Pants is Gay.

- In a related story, they’re reporting that his brother Spongebob No Pants is a Nudist.

*****

HEADLINE OF THE DAY:

Poland Accidentally INVADES Czech Republic in “MINOR MISUNDERSTANDING”.

- If only people were so understanding back in 1939 we could have avoided the whole World War II thing.

*****

According to a new poll, you start becoming your father at age 37… with 1 in 4 saying they now grunt when getting off the couch and 1 in 5 say they get annoyed when someone in the family changes the thermostat.

- I knew I was becoming more like my Dad when my nostrils and eyebrows started getting bigger.

*****

Health Officials in Houston are considering a second lockdown after an increase in Coronavirus cases.

- Remember the good old days when we had NASA COUNTDOWNS in Houston instead of LOCKDOWNS??

*****

North Carolina Police are looking to arrest a man who’s been running naked on public jogging trails.

- Not because he’s naked but because he’s not wearing a Mask.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Trump Campaign announced that they’ll go back to holding rallies in two weeks.

- They’ve already started handing out red hats embroidered with “Make Masks Great Again”.

*****

1,000 protesters toppled a Christopher Columbus statue and threw it in a lake in Virginia.

- If Chris was alive today, I’ll bet he’d be wishing the Earth had been flat after all.

*****

Activists and Protestors are calling for the wildly popular Kid’s cartoon “Paw Patrol” to be cancelled because it “Portrays Police in a good light”.

- And there’s always the chance that “Dora the Explorer” was friends with Columbus.

*****

A CNN contributor called for the removal of the Washington and Jefferson Monuments because they were slave owners.

- Yes they were in the 1700’s.... But is she also aware that Washington and Jefferson were responsible for creating the system of Government that allows her to go on TV and say that their statues should be torn down??

*****

NYC Officials are encouraging residents to wear masks while having sex to stop the spread of COVID-19.

- They got the idea from the pics Anthony “Carlos Danger” Weiner used to send to his 15 year girlfriends.

*****

A survey of 2,000 British Couples found that 1 in 5 men have ended a relationship over their partner’s bathroom habits.

- Ladies… Are you gonna Stand for this??

*****

“Looney Tunes” announced that Elmer Fudd will no longer carry a Shotgun in the cartoon to “protect kids from the image of guns”.

- If they’re worried about damaging kids… how about making Donald Duck wear some Pants??

*****

A woman in the UK who competed in the “Miss Hitler Pageant” was arrested for being tied to a terror group.

- Well there goes her chances of winning “Miss Congeniality”.

- Her duties will now be fulfilled by the Runner Up… “Miss Mussolini”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Phillip who is 99 today!!!

- Wow. 99 years of doing that special “Royal Wave”. It’s a wonder he doesn’t have Crownal Tunnel Syndrome.

*****

It’s not just humans who are packin’ on the pounds during the coronavirus quarantine - According to a new survey 33% of cats and dogs have put on extra weight.

- They call it the CANINE-19.

- The dog breed that’s gained the most weight? Chow Chows.

*****

Paramount has cancelled the TV series “Cops” after 37 seasons because of the protests.

- Look for a reboot of the series to air on CNN called “Defund the Cops”.

*****

The restaurant review website YELP.com put out a list of the most-ordered delivery item in each State during the Pandemic. #1 in Michigan is Bubble Tea.

- Which begs the question, What is “Bubble Tea”?? Maybe it’s what Micheal Jackson’s pet monkey “Bubbles” used to drink.

*****

According to new research, 81% of Americans said music has helped them cope during the COVID-19 Pandemic - with people listening to an average of 38 minutes a day.

- Which is about right if you listen to “Stairway to Heaven” and “MacArthur Park” back to back.

*****

Music Insiders believe Kim Kardashian was behind Kanye West’s decision to donate $2 million dollars to Black Lives Matter.

- I’m pretty sure Kim’s Behind everything Kanye does.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Prez Trump is moving the Repub Convention out of North Carolina after the Gov refused to lift social distancing measures for the event.

- What’s the Governor worried about? According to the latest polls, even some in the GOP wouldn’t touch Trump with a 10 foot pole let alone come within 6 ft. of him.

*****

Victor Willis, who played the Cop in the Village People, is asking Trump to stop playing “Macho Man” at his Rallies.

- No word yet from Randy “The Cowboy” Jones, David “The Construction Worker” Hodo or Elizabeth “The Indian” Warren.

*****

The president of the Minneapolis City Council, went viral for saying that calling the police when your home is broken into “comes from a place of privilege”, and that she wants a “Police Free Society”.

- Here’s an idea… Why don’t we try a “Criminal Free Society” first?

*****

Dutch nightclubs re-opened this weekend - but the girls were told to dance on individual chairs so they don’t get too close.

- Meanwhile Strips Clubs in the USA are sticking to usual strict “One Dancer Per Pole” rule.

*****

A Royal Insider says Prince Charles has become a lot nicer since he caught the Coronavirus, but is usually in a bad mood.

- You’d be in a bad mood too if you never got to sit on the Throne.

*****

James Bond has a five-year-old daughter in the newest film, “No Time To Die.”

- The film will either be called “Dr. NO BECAUSE I SAID SO” or “The TeleTubby That Loved Me”.

- Bond had a Jet Pack, a Shark-Bursting Pellet and a Flamethrower Bagpipe but he didn’t have a condom??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Democratic City Officials in New York, L.A., Minneapolis and others are promoting the idea of replacing all Police Departments with Social Workers… who would respond to crimes and disputes.

- Right… Well I don’t know about you but I feel safer already.

*****

CNN anchor Chris Cuomo was reportedly caught prancing around his family pool NAKED in the background of a Yoga Session his wife was attending on Zoom.

- Cuomo is calling the story “Fake Nudes”.

*****

Casting directors and actors can report to work in Hollywood today but audition will be held behind plexiglass.

- That’s gonna make auditioning on the Casting Couch a tad more challenging.

*****

Government officials are demanding that Prince Andrew make him available for questioning over his friendship with pedophile Jeffrey Epstein… but Andrew says he’s “too busy”.

- Well d’uh! It’s Prom Season!!!

*****

A 30-year-old man in China had to go to the hospital to have a 17 inch Tilapia fish removed from where the sun don’t shine - and told doctors he sat on the fish by accident.

- Dontcha just hate it when that happens??

*****

A study by the University of Buffalo found that Coronavirus lockdowns have led to a surge in childhood obesity.

- I grew up in Buffalo. And in my day we didn’t need a Pandemic to get obese… we just needed Ted’s Hot Dog Stand.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The National Guard now has troops surrounding the White House 24-hours a day.

- Apparently they’re afraid looters could get to Prez Trump’s supply of Orange Hair Dye.

*****

The College Board is skipping plans to conduct a home version of the SAT Test because some students don’t have access to the “necessary technology”.

- I skipped the SAT’s because my brain didn’t have access to the “necessary knowledge”.

*****

A British historian says the Pandemic is teaching people to be less selfish and more open to spending their lives helping others.

- It’s true! I just saw a guy on the news helping another guy carry an 85” TV out of an appliance store that was on fire!

*****

A Swedish study found that antidepressant drugs can lead to violent behavior.

- On a bright note, if you get arrested for a violent crime, you’ll feel pretty good about it.

*****

A Massachusetts man was busted for striking a highway worker with a giant pickle.

- Sounds like Anthony Weiner is out and about again.

*****

The movie “Mission Impossible 7” starring Tom Cruise is set to begin filming in September.

- In this one, the Impossible Mission is making Tom look tall enough to ride the roller coaster at Cedar Point.

*****

Former “James Bond Girl” Britt Ekland says the era of super-hot Bond Girls is over because producers want to be more politically correct.

- I can’t wait to see Caitlyn Jenner in “The Woman With the Golden Gun… In Her Pants”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Researchers who discovered burnt marijuana at an ancient Shrine in Israel believe worshipers may have used it to get high more 2700 years ago.

- That, or Willie Nelson’s Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather lived there.

*****

Arizona State University researchers tested the theory that a dog will do anything to save it’s owner if the owner is in distress and the answer is…….. YES!

- In a related story, researchers found that Cat owners in distress are on there own.

*****

Automotive experts say the Pandemic may have changed car buying forever… and that all transactions will be done ONLINE with no Dealership visits.

- So prepare to be on hold for 20 minutes while your salesperson texts back and forth with his Manager to see if he can get a “Better Deal” for you.

*****

A new report shows that Hertz Rent-A-Car paid its executives $16 million in bonuses just before declaring bankruptcy.

- It sounds bad, but the execs still had to drive all the way to the Airport to Turn In their Company Cars.

*****

Many of the nation’s businesses are canceling their scheduled re-openings amidst the violent protests.

- But on a bright note… the Stormi Daniels Tour announced that she plans to reopen this week.

*****

Dermatologists are warning about a new skin problem called “Maskne”??? It’s facial acne caused by wearing a mask.

- This whole pandemic is like being a teenager again… We’re not allowed to take the car out for a drive, we’re not supposed to kiss anyone… and now a lot of people getting Acne again.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Political Insiders are saying it’s possible that former President George W. Bush could endorse Joe Biden for President.

- Biden tweeted his thanks to George adding, “Give your wife Martha a kiss for me and I hope things are going well at Mt. Vernon!”

*****

A new SmartPhone app called GLOBE allows people to rent space in empty apartments for $50 an hour during the Lockdown, so they can escape family members.

- I’m bettin’ the idea came from Joy Behar’s husband.

*****

Space X has not set a return date yet for the crew aboard the International Space Station.

- If I was one of those astronauts looking down at earth this week… I’d stay right where I was.

*****

A new study found that going grey is caused by stress, BUT there’s a Process that can reverse it!!

- Step One in the Process: Write the Governor and tell her to RE-OPEN the Hair Salons.

*****

Walt Disney World has enlisted the Stormtroopers from “Star Wars” to enforce social distancing rules at their parks.

- In a related story, all Seven of the Dwarfs are now named “Happy” because they’ve been playing with their Light Sabers.

*****

Dennis Rodman is urging protesters to stop looting.

- Well thank you Dennis! We appreciate the input!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A California man broke into a bank and microwaved Hot Pockets in the break room.

- Boy… this seems like pretty tame stuff compared to most of the news lately.

*****

Another story riveting the nation…

Kris Jenner is said to be freaking out after Forbes Magazine revealed that her daughter, 21 year old Kylie ISN’T really a BILLIONAIRE and is only worth $990 Million.

- In Kris’s defense, who among us hasn’t worried that our kids won’t make enough to pay the bills??

*****

In less important news… The first ever Government and Privately funded Space Vehicle took off Saturday and docked successfully at the International Space Station Sunday, 19 hours after it took off.

- It would have taken longer, but traffic was really light because of the Coronavirus Lockdown.

*****

More and more Hair Salons are requiring patrons to sign waivers saying they know the potential risk of contracting the Virus when entering and that they are getting their hair cut “Of their own free will”.

- The last time I got my haircut “Against my own free will” was when I was 12 and my Mother MADE ME get it cut before my Boy Scout Badge Banquet.

*****

A survey of 1,300 adults named the Electric Light Orchestra song, “Mr. Blue Sky,” as the happiest song ever.

- Once again, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” gets robbed.

*****

Joy Behar said she was so tired of her gray roots she made her husband dye her hair in their home.

- JOY BEHAR HAS A HUSBAND??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Brothel workers in Switzerland have volunteered to minimize the risk of transmitting the Coronavirus Virus by limiting customers to 2 POSITIONS so they can reopen during the Lockdown.

- Bless their hearts… Those girls just never stop giving!

*****

Burger King is handing out Giant Cardboard Crowns that promote social distancing by keeping customers six feet away from each other.

- Which is great news for people about to throw back a Double Whopper with Cheese, Large Fries and a Milkshake… and are worried about their health.

*****

According to new research, men with shorter ring fingers are 33% more likely to die if they contract COVID-19 and Men with longer ring fingers are less likely to suffer severe symptoms of COVID-19.

- So I guess it’s true what they say… “Big Hands, Big… Immunity”.

*****

The new trend in baby-naming has parents giving their bundles of joy the wife’s LAST name as a first or middle name.

- So if an angry female former talk show host and the Republican leader of the US Senate ever have a baby together (which I hope and pray never happens) we can look forward to welcoming “O’Donnell McConnell”.

*****

Hollywood Studios are now hiring Covid-19 Consultants who can help keep movie sets safe for filming.

- In a related story… Next years Oscars will be hosted by Clor-OX Leachman and Mr. Clean.

*****

According to a new book, Bill Clinton told Jeffrey Epstein that he had sex with Monica Lewinsky by default since “she was the only girl in the White House” during the 1995 government shutdown.

- Well you know what they say… “Any Port in a Storm”.

*****

Speaking of Clinton and Epstein… Two men who were hired to carry out a stranger's sexual fantasy of being tied up while clad in his underpants - went to the wrong address and broke into the wrong home - but politely left after realizing their mistake.

- There making a movie about it… “Bill & Jeff’s Excellent Adventure”.

- Those two are like the “Bobsey Twins” without pants.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Follow Up… Gov Whitmer said that when her husband “dropped her name” when he asked a Docking Company to move them to the front of the line and make sure their boat was in the water before Memorial Day it was JUST a, “failed attempt at humor”.

- Sure. Uh Huh… NOT.

*****

Joe Biden called Trump an “absolute fool” for making fun of the mask the VP wore on Memorial Day and accused Trump of “False masculinity”.

- Put another way, he accused Trump of being Rosie O’Donnell.

*****

According to “Inside sources” the feud between Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle started over whether 3 year old Princess Charlotte should wear tights to Harry and Meghan’s wedding. Kate said yes. Meghan said no.

- And Prince Andrew voted for fishnets.

*****

The “Average American” has put on an extra five pounds since the pandemic started.

- Well I picked a great time to be “Above Average”.

*****

A video has gone viral of an angry mob of shoppers chasing a woman out of a Staten Island grocery store because she wasn’t wearing a mask.

- I miss the good old days when angry mobs of shoppers chased people out of stores “just because”.

*****

Three Bolivian brothers - age 10, 8 and 6 - were hospitalized after coaxing a black widow spider to bite them — Hoping it would turn them into Spider-Man.

- It could have been worse. Wasn’t it a kid in China who ate a bat hoping to become “Batman” and we all ended up stuck in our houses for three months?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Despite Gov Whitmers mandate that people NOT travel to vacation spots for Memorial Day, her husband attempted to get a Docking Company to put their boat in the water at their vacation home - three hours away.

- It’s a case of “Do As I Say… Not As I Do-ck”.

*****

Elvis Presley’s Rhinestone-studded jock strap is going up for auction next week with a starting bid of $35,000.

- Well I guess we finally know where he kept the Banana he loved to have on his Peanut Butter Sandwiches.

*****

On this day in 1805, Lewis and Clark first viewed the Rocky Mountains.

- And they were immediately arrested for standing closer than 6 feet from each other and not wearing masks.

*****

Joe Biden made his first public appearance since mid-March over the Holiday Weekend.

- The Good News is he came out of his basement. The Bad News is, he saw his shadow so we’re gonna have 6 more months of campaigning.

*****

Speaking of Biden… A Quinnipiac Poll shows that Joe Biden leads President Trump by 22 points with women who are over the age of 65.

- Or could it be that women over 65 are so appreciative of a man hitting on them, they wanna thank Joe by voting for him.

*****

Russian Officials are “still trying to determine” how three Doctors fell out of the same hospital window after they criticized the government.

- Well you know what they say in Russia… “When Putin closes a Door, he opens a Window”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick