Hester Ford, the oldest living American, died at age of 116 in Charlotte, North Carolina on Saturday.

- Boy, I didn’t see that one coming.

*****

This morning a team of scientist at the Jet Proulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California remotely guided the Ingenuity helicopter for the first ever remote controlled flight on another Planet.

- Big whoop. I once rode the Gemini Roller Coaster at Cedar Point NO HANDED!!!

*****

The state of Oregon may implement a PERMANENT Mask Mandate and extend Social Distancing requirements for residents and businesses.

- Bottom Line: You’re still free to burn down Portland… but the Mask will make it harder for what’s left of the Cops to identify you!

*****

President Biden finally admitted there’s a “Crisis” at our Southern Border while speaking with reporters during a round of golf on Saturday.

- He added that it was “A good day on the course”… He hit the ball right into the Clown’s mouth!!

*****

According to a new survey, Men value “Personality over Looks” and are looking for a woman who is “Honest, Confident and Kind”.

- And has big boobs.

*****

The former Bruce-Now-Caitlyn Jenner says the Former-He/Now-She will “decide soon” whether to run for Governor of California.

- He’s out shopping right now looking for the PERFECT Hat to throw in the Ring… Preferably one that goes with his shoes and handbag.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

On this day in 1912, The Titanic went down less than three hours after hitting an Iceberg.

- Historians say it’s the second fast sinking in history - right after Andrew Cuomo’s political career.

- The biggest question of all about the sinking of the Titanic is: WHY DIDN’T ROSE MOVE OVER FOR JACK WHEN THERE WAS PLENTY OF ROOM FOR HIM ON THE DOOR???

*****

President Biden will address a Joint Session of Congress on April 28th.

- Nancy Pelosi is so thrilled she’s having his speech laminated so she doesn’t get over excited and accidentally rip it up.

*****

Speaking of the Speaker … Ms. Pelosi claimed that people who entered the Capitol on Jan. 6th would have “had a battle on their hands” if they had encountered HER — declaring she’s a “Street Fighter.”

- This from the woman who last year described a meeting with President Trump as a “Tinkle Contest”.

*****

The AP is being ridiculed for banning the word “Mistress” to describe “A woman who is in a long-term sexual relationship with a man who financially supports her - while he is married to someone else”. Instead, reporters will use Gender Neutral terms like “Companion”, “Friend” or “Lover”.

- And instead of “Homewrecker” reporters should describe the woman as a “Dwelling-Privileged-Disasembler”.

*****

“Inside sources” say a pregnant Meghan Markle was “Desperate” to go to England to attend Prince Phillip’s funeral… and was “devastated” when her Doctor said she couldn’t go.

- Maybe Oprah can have her on for another two hour special where she can work through her pain.

*****

Prince’s Harry and William will be together for the first time since the infamous Oprah interview when they attend the Funeral this Saturday.

- Well that outta put the “Fun” in “Funeral”.

*****

China has launched a hotline for its citizens to report Anti-Government comments so that the citizens who made them can be punished.

- The American word for this kind of Hotline is “Twitter”!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

U.S. News & World Report released it’s annual rankings of “Top 10 Countries in the World” based on Quality of Life and Social Purpose and the winner is….. CANADA.

- Upon hearing the news, proud Canadians took to the streets shouting, “We’re #1, Eh?! We’re #1, Eh?!”

The US came in sixth on the list behind Japan, Germany, Switzerland and Australia.

- “We’re #6! We’re #6!”

*****

Meanwhile, new federal data show that sexually transmitted diseases have reached an all-time high in the U.S. for the sixth consecutive year.

- They attribute the increase to COVID lockdowns and Madonna being back on the market.

*****

Nike announced that they’ll begin selling “Used Shoes” under the name Nike Refurbished… that will offer “Gently Used” sneakers for a discounted price.

- What’s next…. “Gently Used” underwear??

- They have “Previously Enjoyed” watches, cars and jewelry… Why not “Previously Enjoyed” Underpants??

*****

Chinese officials have launched what they say is the world’s first traffic light for Camels.

- Not surprising that this story came out today… Wednesday IS Hump Day! (Ancient Chinese Joke!)

*****

Hasbro is now selling a Voice-Activated Robot that “Talks, Punches and Drives” for $700.

- Who needs a Robot when we’ve already got Alec Baldwin??

*****

Bernie Madoff who scammed investors out of more than 17 BILLION dollars in an elaborate Ponzi scheme has died in Prison of natural causes at the age of 82.

- In case you wanted to start a “GoFundMe” page for Bernie, the Madoff family says it’s not necessary. Turns out before he passed on, Bernie came up with an elaborate scheme to sell shares to investors to pay for his funeral.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

VP Kamala Harris has now moved into her official residence - on the grounds of US Naval Observatory where scientists observe the Sun, Moon, Planets & Stars.

- So… THIS explains why she isn’t flying down to take a look at the Border Crisis that she’s in charge of… She’s “Observing” it through a telescope.

*****

NY has now surpassed California as the country's highest taxed state.

- And thanks to Gov Cuomo, NY can also boast, “More Gropes Per Capita” than any other State in the US.

*****

Researchers say that eating together at the dinner table without phones could be key to combating childhood obesity.

- That… and you may want to cut back on the Mac ‘n Cheese.

*****

Actor and former Pro-Wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson says he may run for President after a new poll found that 46% of Americans would support him.

- The Rock is even accepting campaign donations now… So this would be a great time to become an Athletic Supporter!

*****

A New Mexico man began driving out of a grocery store parking lot when he looked back and found 15,000 bees in his backseat.

- Police apprehended the Bees in a Sting Operation. (Bada Boom!)

*****

Prince Andrew told British reporters that the death of Prince Philip has left a huge void in his life.

- His girlfriend said he’s “So sad” he has barely touched the Girl Scout Cookies she sold him.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Charlevoix has become a “Hot Spot” for huge numbers of 4-feet-tall Wild Turkeys that are “Incessantly chasing and even jumping on” residents.

- We better hope that Home Inspector that “Romanced” Elmo last week doesn’t try the same thing with Big Bird.

*****

Starting this month, pregnant Marines will finally be able to purchase better fitting maternity uniforms along with “Nursing” undershirts.

- And they’re going to change their slogan to “The Few… The Proud… The Pregnant”.

*****

Former President Trump referred to Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell as a “Dumb Son of a B-tch” during an event at Mar A Lago on Saturday.

- Love him or hate him… you gotta admit he’s always had a way with words!

*****

A Florida Woman is facing a felony child neglect charge after police found cocaine and a cut straw atop her three-year-old son’s copy of Dr. Seuss’s “The Cat in the Hat.”

- Turns out she’s not in trouble for the Drugs… She was arrested for having a Dr. Seuss book in the same house as her little boy.

*****

Meghan Markle - who is due this summer - will miss Prince Philip’s funeral because her Doctor says she can’t fly “At this stage of her Pregnancy”.

-Well that… and the fact that she can’t show her face in England “At this stage of her marriage”.

*****

A married Mississippi Biology Teacher was arrested after videotaping herself having sex with a teen student.

- Personally I think she should be applauded for getting back into the classroom to provide hands-on learning.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Dog Gas-Passing Awareness Day”! (TRUE!!!)

- Question: Did we really need a special day to be AWARE of this?

- Hallmark even has a special card for it…

Roses are Red,

Green grows the Clover.

That wasn’t me…

I swear it was Rover!

*****

A 59 year old Clarkston Home Inspector was caught on a families’ Nursery Cam "Romancing” an Elmo doll.

- Afterwards Elmo yelled at him… “I said TICKLE me you idiot!”

*****

CNN is being mocked for declaring that certain Text Fonts - like those often used by Chinese Restaurants on their Menus - "Communicate Asian-ness" and are therefore “Racist”.

- O… M… G…

- Which text fonts are they talking about you ask? Ancient Chinese Secret!

- To make sure you don’t use a Racist Text, CNN has divided them into a handy list. Appropriate fonts are in Column A… INappropriate in Column B.

*****

Days after saying that Vaccinations could prevent a 4th wave of COVID in the US, yesterday Dr. Fauci reversed course and said that Vaccinations may not be enough to prevent a 4th wave.

- Love him or hate him, Fauci flips more often than the Head Pancake Maker at IHOP. (Home of the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity Breakfast Combo!)

*****

A new study by OnePoll found that 65% of Americans admit they have to write their computer passwords down or else they’ll forget them.

- I always use Dick123 as my Password for EVERYTHING!!! It’s easy to remember and I’m pretty sure nobody could ever figure it out!

*****

A Royal Biographer claims that Meghan Markle was once told by the Queen that after her marriage to Harry she could continue acting.

- And Meghan really took it to heart. She’s been acting like a “Woke”, entitled, spoiled brat ever since.

*****

Egypt has transported its mummified kings and queens from one museum to another in a mummy parade.

- They got the idea from watching Joe Biden walk across the stage to the Presidential Podium.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention now says that there’s no significant risk of catching COVID from a surface or object.

- Couldn’t they have mentioned this BEFORE I bought a Pallet of 30 MILLION-Sheet, Dual-Action Disinfecting Clorox Wipes at Costco??

*****

Aaron Rodgers - who’s guest hosting “Jeopardy!” this week - says he’d like to be named as Alex Trebek’s permanent replacement on the show and still be Quarter Back for Green Bay.

- Wouldn’t “Jeopardy!” be smarter to hire somebody who doesn’t really have another “Day Job”? Like say… one of the Lions?

*****

A leading Astrophysicist say contacting Alien Life Forms in the Universe could “Invite them to Rule Earth”.

- Question: Could it be any worse than what we’ve already got?

*****

According to new research “Googling” medical symptoms can actually lead to an accurate diagnosis.

- So I just tried it. Turns out I’ve got PMS.

- Well this explains why I’ve been cranky and my stomach looks so bloated this week.

*****

A new poll in Britain found that most Brits want the Crown to bypass Prince Charles and be handed directly to Prince William when the Queen’s reign comes to an end.

- Poor Charles. He’s been waiting to get on the Throne longer than women in line at Pine Knob back in the 70’s.

*****

Former Olympic Triathelete and Wheaties Cover Guy-now-Girl Caitlyn Jenner says she’s thinking about making a run to unseat Gavin Newsom as the Governor of California.

- Speaking of “Unseating”… Do ya think Caitlyn ever leaves the seat up out of habit… And then reminds herself to put it down?

- I wonder if Caitlyn is a “Pointer” or a “Setter” these days…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s “National TWINKIE Day”… The day when women show off their TWINKIE’s and Men show off their DING DONGS.

*****

This Just In… Kim Kardashian is now officially a BILLIONAIRE… making the Forbes list of “Worlds Billionaires” for the first time.

- She used to bring up the rear in the Kardashian Family, but now her Assets over a BILLION DOLLARS.

*****

With the Pandemic closing the annual Egg Roll on the White House Lawn, the The WH Historical Association posted a video online showing the history of the event.

- The Highlight of the presentation was a Retrospective of President Clinton’s “Easter egg Roll-in-the-Hay”.

*****

Disneyland is now selling a panko crusted pickle-stuffed corndog served with peanut butter.

- In a related story… the Restroom’s at Disneyland will now be known as “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”.

*****

Yesterday Paramount+ treated Star Trek Trekkies to a streaming marathon of Star Trek TV episodes - plus a “Intensive” Panel Discussion.

- This is the first big story about guys in their basements since President Biden’s Presidential Campaign.

*****

Cher is still apologizing for posting an inappropriate tweet saying that she could have saved George Floyd.

- But she still hasn’t apologized for “Gypsy’s, Tramps and Thieves”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

I hope you all had a great Easter weekend!

- We donned our “Peter Cottontail” Masks and had the traditional Easter Egg hunt! The grandkids were a little disappointed though… In order to follow my usual cholesterol protocol, I just hid the Easter Egg Whites.

*****

Amazon did a U-Turn over the weekend and admitted that, when nature calls, some of it’s Delivery Drivers DO have to pee in bottles.

- So apparently you can get ANYTHING on Amazon… except a Bathroom Break.

*****

Royal Insiders say Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will take some “Much need time off” this summer.

- Time off from WHAT?

*****

Actor Armie Hammer has been dropped from his role in Cold War drama “Billion Dollar Spy” amidst reports that he’s a CANNIBAL.

- He wasn’t available for comment as he was having a friend over for dinner.

*****

When asked why the official Gov. Website changed it’s official logo from “The Biden Administration” to “The Biden-Harris Administration, the White House said “It’s a reflection of the important role that VP Kamala Harris will play moving forward”.

- You know, like working on the Border Stuff and taking over as President.

*****

Industry experts say the Pandemic led to closures which have left just 16 Lesbian Bars operating in the entire US.

- On a bright note… drinks are Half-Off on Ladies Night.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A group of “Woke Activists” say they will monitor Easter egg hunts this coming Sunday in order to ensure that “Easter eggs of Color” are fairly represented in each child’s basket.

- April fools!!! At least THIS year it is. By next year… who knows???

- I can already hear the calls to “Defund the Easter Bunny”.

*****

The Administration is still weighing what to do - now that the Biden’s dog “Major” has bitten yet ANOTHER person in the White House.

- Here’s an idea… Take the Dog out of the White House and put Trump back in? (I can hear half of you CHEERING and the other half BOOING right now).

*****

Meghan Markle’s new biographer thinks the Duchess has a “good chance” of being elected President of the United States.

- I wonder if she’ll be a candidate for the Republican Party, the Democrat Party, or the“Narcissist Party”??

- I can just see her campaign slogan now… “Make America Sparkle with President Markle!”

*****

The #1 movie in America this week is "Godzilla vs. Kong”.

- In this version, Godzilla wins… but King Kong demands a recount and there’s a big riot at the Empire State Building.

*****

A new study finds that adding Seaweed to Cattle Feed can reduce their methane emissions.

- Which is great for people who like their Steaks to taste like both the “Turf” and the “Surf”.

*****

Dr. Fauci, who comments on nearly every other Pandemic risk, iis taking heat for remaining SILENT on President Biden releasing thousands of migrants into the U.S. - who HAVE NOT been tested for COVID.

- Then again, maybe he HAS said something about it… It’s hard to understand him from behind the 17 masks he’s now recommending.

*****

A Russian farm is putting Virtual Reality Headsets - the kind used to play video games - on Cows in an effort to “Calm their anxiety” and give more milk.

- The “Anxious Cows” are the ones that only give 2%.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Meghan Markle is reportedly planning on a “Home Birth” for her and Prince Harry’s second child - a girl who is due early this summer.

- Fingers crossed the birth doesn’t show up on another Oprah Special.

*****

Police in Upstate New York have charged a SEVEN YEAR OLD boy with Sexual Assault.

- Details are still coming in, but as of now he says he WILL NOT resign as Governor of his Tree House.

*****

According to a new report, one of the ships that was caught in the Suez Canal traffic jam was stocked with Sex Toys.

- Well now we know how they freed the ship… They vibrated it out!

(Actually… the “Super Moon” is being credited with aiding in Freeing the ship from the Canal… It caused the tides to rise an extra 19 inches which made the Ship easier to pull).

*****

Just a week after being returned to the White House, President Biden’s Dog “Major” has been involved in yet another “Biting Incident”.

- In response, the White House says that in addition to her role of finding the “Root Cause of the Crisis at the Southern Border”, VP Harris has also been assigned the job of finding the “Root Cause of why Dogs bite People”.

*****

Researchers in Germany say being playful with your loved one can influence how happy you feel with your sex life.

- This explains why my dog always “hugs” my leg after we play “Go Fetch”.

*****

Some Environmental Scientists are warning that Pollution is “Causing Men’s Penises to Shrink”.

- Was it necessary to say “MEN’S” Penises??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

With all the craziness these days… there is some GOOD NEWS! Friday, NASA announced that the Earth will NOT be hit by a Catastrophic asteroid during the next 100 YEARS.

- Awesome! Now all we have to worry about is China, North Korea, Iran and COVID-19… I can finally sleep at night!

Speaking of “Earth shattering”…

Scholastic has pulled a kid’s book, “Captain Underpants” - for what they’re calling “passive racism.”

- I always thought “Captain Underpants” was a picture book that teaches kids about Bill Clinton.

*****

5,000 people attended a rock concert in Barcelona, Spain on Saturday raising concerns that it may have been a COVID Super Spreader Event.

- Remember the good old days when the only things you could Catch at a rock concert were a Frisbee and a Contact High?

*****

The White House now says that instead of working to fix the acute crisis at the Southern border, VP Harris will devote her energies to finding the “Root cause of why people migrant to the US”.

- Let’s see… How about lack of education, poverty, cartels… and the fact that President Biden invited them to come?

*****

The latest celeb beauty trend is the “Zoom Facial” - a treatment which costs thousands of $$$ and supposedly makes skin appear smooth and glowing during Zoom meetings.

- Call me crazy, but I won’t even spend big bucks to make myself look “smooth and glowing” IN PERSON.

- Just another reason I went into Radio.

*****

And finally… As punishment for breaking their schools COVID-19 guidelines, the Auburn University Bass Fishing Team has been suspended from competition until 2022.

- This is bad news for the Boys on the team… but good news for the Bass.

- The Boys are suing the school and have hired the law firm Hook, Line & Sinker.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Over the weekend the official website of the US Government - broke tradition by changing it’s banner from “The Biden Administration” to “The Biden-Harris Administration”. Meanwhile, Harris says she’s “living out of suitcases” across from the White House.

- This means that Kamala is just “One short stroll” away from the Presidency.

*****

Researchers in Mexico have created a “Nose Only” Mask that covers your Schnozz while leaving your mouth open to eat or drink.

- Amazingly, this development was predicted hundreds of years ago by Nostril-damous.

*****

Egyptian Authorities successfully freed the massive container ship that blocked the Suez Canal leaving more than 300 Vessels waiting in line to get through the 120-mile passage.

- It was so backed up it was starting to look like the Drive-Thru line at Chick-fil-A.

*****

A survey by Dating.Com found that single women prefer men with “Dad Bods” over those with “Six Pack Abs”.

- So……. PARTY ON!!!!!!!!!

- Who funded this survey? Dad’s Root Beer??

*****

Due to a dramatic surge in crime following their “Defunding” of the Police last summer, the City of Los Angeles voted 12-0 to “RE-fund” the police.

- I’ll betcha didn’t see THAT one coming.

*****

Prince William has been named The World’s Sexiest Bald Man.

- Between Baldy and Hairy, this has been quite the year for the Royals.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A family is suing General Mills after claiming they found Dental Floss and Shrimp Tails in their Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal.

- Well that’s where the “Toasty Crunch” comes from!

*****

Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is joining the board of directors of the New York Mets.

- He’ll be in charge of the Giant Soft Pretzel concession.

*****

Prince Harry has reportedly taken on a new job as an executive of a Silicon Valley startup.

- He accepted the Job yesterday, but Meghan told Oprah he did it three days ago in a secret ceremony in their backyard.

*****

The Washington Post is being mocked by some on Social Media for a “Woke” article called “Social Justice for Toddlers” that claims babies develop Bias as early as 3 months and encourages parents to read their infants books about diversity.

- There’s also a book for infants on sexual harassment called “Pat the Bunny… But only if the Bunny CONSENTS First!”

- When our girls were infants… We didn’t want them to be “Woke”… We wanted them to be “Sleep”.

*****

Researchers from the University of Leeds in England say eating just a small amount of processed meat - such as one slice of bacon or lunch meat - each day significantly increases the risk of mental decline.

- To prove it, have some bacon or lunchmeat and then sing this jingle: “My Bologna has a first name… it’s O-S-C-A-R. My Bologna has a Second name is M-A-Y-E-R. Oh I love to eat it everyday, and If you asks me why I’ll Say … Ummmmm…. I Forget.”

*****

The Clinton Foundation announced that Vice President Kamala Harris will sit down for a one-on-one conversation about empowering women with… wait for it… Bill Clinton.

- I guess Andrew Cuomo is busy that day.

*****

Kermit the Frog has been added to the Library of Congress's National Recording Registry.

- The Registry said it’s committed to be more inclusive of “Frogs of Color”.

- They held the induction ceremony on March 17th… and to show their support, ALL of the frogs showed up wearing Green!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s “National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day”!

- I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize for missing “National Goober Day” which was observed on Feb. 25. We only missed by a month… but still, we missed.

*****

Citizens of Vancouver, Canada are outraged after Officials announced that they’re paying $645,000 for a SINGLE PUBLIC TOILET for one of the cities Public Parks.

- Talk about flushing money down the drain.

- Men say they’re not gonna stand for this and women vow they won’t take it sitting down.

*****

Researchers in Sweden report that men who have survived a heart attack could prolong their life by taking Viagra… and the more often they take it, the longer they could live.

- So apparently there are TWO things Viagra can lengthen.

*****

During the first eruption of Iceland’s Fagradalsfjall Volcano last week, some tourists and residents were caught on video roasting Hot Dogs over tiny streams of lava.

- Are they crazy?? I would have gone with S’mores!

*****

A North Korean citizen has been arrested by the US for his part in a scheme to send much wanted “luxury items” back to North Korean’s “Supreme Leader” Kim Jong Un.

- If you’ve seen Lil Kim lately, I’d say some of those luxury item were “Supreme Pizzas with Double Pepperoni, Bacon, Sausage, Ham and Extra Cheese”.

- That’s an upgrade from his usual pizza order… a “Hot and Chubby”.

*****

Queen Elizabeth’s Granddaughter, Zara Tindall gave birth to the Queen’s 10th Great Grandchild on the bathroom floor of her home Sunday because the Baby “couldn’t wait to be born”.

- He’s the second boy this year to make a quick exit from the Royal Family.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Yesterday’s story about Suzanne Somers and her 84 year old husband Alan Hamel having sex three times a morning, after breakfast - has a lot of senior men asking how he does it.

- His Secret? Cocoa Puffs.

*****

A 99 year old former Professional Dancer in England named “Dinkie Flowers” is giving dance lessons to raise money for COVID relief.

- And if that goes well, Dinkie’s gonna to offer a course in “Walking Up The Stairs Of Air Force One”.

*****

Miami Beach will extend their COVID restrictions until April 12 after officials had to call in a SWAT team with Pepper Spray Balls to break up a crowd of rowdy Spring Breakers who defied an 8pm curfew.

- If college students want to take over the streets, party, and cause extensive damage with no repercussions… they should be spending their Spring Break in Portland, Oregon.

*****

Harry and Meghan’s female Chief of Staff abruptly quit her position after just a year on the job - becoming the latest in a long line of employees to leave the couple.

- She says she wants to work for “Someone nicer”… So she’s taken a job as Personal Assistant to Ellen DeGeneres.

*****

Krispy Kreme has announced that anyone who shows proof that they’ve gotten the COVID Vaccine will receive a free doughnut EVERY DAY THIS YEAR.

- That is, if you last that long.

*****

A very disturbed Gay man from Indiana was arrested for trying to kill and consume the people he met on the GRINDR dating app.

- His profile said his favorite foods included, “FRANK and Beans”, “MAC and Cheese” and “Peanut Butter and JERRY”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Biden Administration continues to deny that we have a CRISIS at the Southern Border, despite a surge in migrants that’s left facilities 729% ABOVE capacity.

- Apparently the cut-off for a “Crisis” is 730%.

*****

A study by Northwestern University found that eating breakfast before 8:30 in the morning may lower your chances of Diabetes.

- So all I have to do is make sure I have my Rootie Tootie Fresh and Fruity Breakfast at IHOP BEFORE 8:30 and I’m good to go!!

*****

Kim Kardashian’s Multi, Multi Millionaire sister Kylie is taking heat for asking her fans to donate to a friend’s GoFundMe page that is looking to raise $60,000.

- Kylie said she was going to deliver a check for the full amount, but her Range Rover, two Ferraris, three Rolls Royces, and Bentley were in the shop.

*****

A British scientist has developed a new “Robotic Skeleton” that will allow Sex Dolls to walk on their own.

- I knew the scientist was a Man when I read that the “walk feature” was designed so the Sex Doll can get up and make her partner a Sandwich after the “Festivities”.

*****

British Police arrested 36 people at an Anti-Lockdown protest in London on Saturday.

- And yet Prince Andrew is still walking the streets.

*****

74-year-old Suzanne Somers says she and her 84-year-old husband Alan Hamel had Sex three times a day during lockdown… BEFORE LUNCH.

- He may be 84… but apparently he’s still a “Thigh Master”.

- Suzanne says between her, her husband and Viagra… Three’s Company!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy St. Patricks Day!!! In honor of the Irish… A Limerick:

There once was a Governor named Andy,

Who - it - appears was quite Randy,

He hit on some Chicks,

Made the elderly Sick…

But the Emmy’s thought him a Jim Dandy!

*****

The so-called “Vaccination Shirt” worn by Dolly Parton when she got her Covid Vaccine has become the hottest fashion trend of 2021. It features open shoulders for easy access when getting the shot.

- When I first saw the pic of Dolly I was worried. I thought the Vaccine caused swelling in the chest.

*****

As the Immigration situation at the Southern Border continues to spin out of control, President Biden announced yesterday his message to Migrants has now changed to “Don’t Come”.

- Call me crazy, but hadn’t the Immigration situation pretty much settled down BEFORE the election??

*****

Scientists in Sweden say they have created a device that can prevent or reverse conditions such as diabetes and obesity while patients continue to eat a high-fat diet.

- Unfortunately, like the furniture out of Sweden, it takes you six weeks and ten friends to put the device together.

*****

A new report claims Kim Jong-Un is not responding to President Biden's phone calls.

- It’s not that Lil Kim doesn’t want to talk to him… he’s just busy filling out his “March Madness Brackets”.

*****

Dr. Anthony Fauci said that IF the nation doesn’t pull back on public safety measures… it’s possible that Americans may be able to gather in small-family groups to Celebrate the Fourth of July.

- Well Hot Dog!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

In order to be “More Inclusive” Columbia University in NYC will hold 6 extra Graduation Ceremonies for students based on their race, economic background, sexual preference and gender identity.

- I don’t care how many ceremonies they hold, there’s still gonna be one guy who walks across the stage whose buddies start cheering for because they know he’s not wearing pants under his gown.

- Bottom line: They’ll be “Pomp” for “Every Circumstance”.

*****

Happy Birthday to Erik Estrada who turns 72 today!

- At his age he’s staring in a new diet-restricted TV show called “Unsalted, Reduced Fat C.H.I.P.’s”.

*****

99 year old Prince Phillip is out after undergoing heart surgery and spending a month in the Hospital.

- Gee. I wonder what they’re gonna talk about when he gets home?

- I can hear it now… “Hey Liz… Did you hear from Harry and Meghan while I was gone?”…

*****

One of NY Gov Andrew Cuomo’s sexual harassment accusers has told investigators that he is “obsessed with the size of his hands” and what that might mean for the size of his other body parts.

- Well you know what they say… Big Hands, Big Gloves.

*****

NBC is going to stream a new show about a man who wants to kill himself.

- It’s a reboot of “Sex & the City” but this version stars Andrew Cuomo.

*****

More than 150 Spring Breakers were arrested for ignoring the Midnight Curfew in Miami Beach over the weekend.

- Most of the girls were wearing Masks that were bigger than their bikinis.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s March 15th aka “The Ides of March” the day Roman Emperor Julius Caesar was assassinated, famously saying, “Et tu Brute?”… Then all the Senators headed out for a nice Caesar Salad.

*****

Did you watch the Grammy’s last night?? Me neither.

I read that Beyonce made history by becoming the first performer to win 28 Grammy’s. And after seeing the outfit she wore in the acceptance pictures, I’d say she’s on track to win a couple Golden Globes as well.

*****

Embattled NY Gov Andrew Cuomo was photographed walking around his NY mansion talking on the phone with a Grandma-looking blanket around his shoulders.

- He looked just like one of those Mafia Dons… except Cuomo’s being accused of “Offing” a lot more people.

*****

Meanwhile, sales of Cuomo’s formerly best-selling book, “Leadership Lessons from the COVID-19 Pandemic” have tanked amid the Sexual Harassment and Nursing Home Scandals.

- Well, I can think of 15,000 people who didn’t buy it.

- 15,000 and 7 if you count the female accusers….. So far!

*****

Sources close to Meghan Markle say the “Duchess” is strongly considering a run for President in 2024.

- If Meghan becomes President… Would that would make Harry “The First Wimp”??

*****

A survey by OnePoll of 2000 people found that single Americans are “pleasuring themselves” up to THREE TIMES A DAY during lockdowns. (True… Google it!)

- This is what you get when the first 2 people you call to “Survey” are Charlie Sheen and Pee Wee Herman.

- I’m thinking those singles have a little too much time on their hands.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick