Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi spoke to the Democrat National Convention last night. But as she was walking... a piece of what appeared to be toilet paper fell out of her pant leg as she made her way to the podium.

You know Trump's gonna have a nickname for Nancy after this… My suggestion: "Two-Ply Pelosi"!

*****

Oprah Winfrey - who has a net worth of $3 BILLION - spoke last night... telling the packed DNC Convention about the sexism, racism and income inequality that she's faced in her life.

- I just Googled it and Oprah’s worth $3 BILLION. I didn’t realize that sexism, racism income inequality paid so well.

*****

A new survey finds that half of voters age 27 and under have “very little” trust in the federal government.

- Welcome to the Party, kids!

*****

Hunter Biden’s lawyer says that the Prosecution in Hunter Biden's upcoming Tax trail is "Trying to slime him", arguing that they are bringing in evidence specifically to “make him look bad”.

- Oh... I don't think Hunter needs any help with that.

*****

A California high school principal was placed on administrative leave after getting what is being described as "a lap dance" from the schools mascot during a Pep Rally attended by hundreds of students.

- On a bright note... At least he wasn't sleeping with one of his students!

*****

According to a new survey, a significant portion of the U.S. population feels pressure to get in shape before going on vacation.

- Not me. I just put on my "I'm With Stupid T-Shirt", jump in the car and head down to Cedar Point!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

This Just In... The Biden Administration has adjusted their employment numbers.. admitting they'd claimed 818,000 new jobs had been added between March of 2023 and April of 2024 that didn't actually exist.

- That's called "Cooking the Books". But... they want to remind you that they didn't cook the books on a Gas Stove!

- Speaking of jobs that "Don't actually exist"... Joe's on vacation… Again… this time in California. Does anyone know who's actually running the country right now?

*****

Both Michelle and Barrack Obama spoke last night at the DNC Convention in Chicago with the former First Lady urging voters to "Do Something".

- Ironically, that's what Republicans have been saying to Kamala about the Border for the last 3 1/2 years.

*****

The Biden/Harris Administration has appointed a new special assistant at the Nuclear Security Administration... who’s number one priority is - get ready for this - "Queering Nuclear Weapons". That's right! She says spreading the message of "Diversity, Equity and Inclusion is vital to our National Security".

-Remember the Peter Sellers movie, "Dr. Stranglove - Or How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love The Bomb"? Yeah… Well, I'm starting to worry again. 😳

*****

A billionaire in California is being accused of using construction equipment to secretly steal sand from a famous Malibu beach to use on his Private Property.

- Furious neighbors were going to draw a line in the sand at the beach… but unfortunately he’d already taken it all.

*****

Well… it’s official. Jennifer Lopez has officially filed for Divorce from Ben Affleck two years after the couple wed in a $400,0000 Ceremony. This will be Ben’s second divorce… and Jen’s 4th trip to the divorce attorney’s office.

- What should I get her? Is she registered for THIS divorce? I got her a toaster last time. 🤔

*****

Meghan Markle says her 3-year-old daughter Princess Lilibet has “found her voice.”

- Which can only mean one thing… A Two Hour "Toddler Talk" with Oprah!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Joe Biden “Passed the torch” to Kamala Harris in a Fiery speech last night - that was supposed to be in prime time but didn’t get underway until after 11pm. I was amazed I stayed awake for it. I was even more amazed Joe stayed awake for it. It was….. Well, what did you think??

*****

During an interview with CNN about her convincing Biden to step out of the race and whether or not that has left bad blood between her and her longtime friend, Nancy Pelosi confusingly said, “I did what I had to do… Sometimes you just have to take a punch for the children.”

- Not sure what that means… but it sounds like Nancy had downed a few “Kamala-politans” before picking up the microphone. 🍸🍸🍸

*****

With inflation continuing to eat up paychecks, 20% of Gen Zer’s - those 12 to 27 years old - say they’d be willing to cut fruits and vegetables out of their diet completely to save money.

- In fact… I’m pretty sure the 12 years old would do it for no reason at all.

*****

A new study reveals a startling truth: Where you live in the United States could dramatically influence whether you receive a timely diagnosis of Dementia.

- For example, if you live at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue - in Washington, D.C… you’ll never officially be diagnosed with Dementia, instead they’ll say you’re “sharp as a tack”, then stab you in the back so they can have someone else apply for your job.

*****

During an Indian Independence celebration in NYC, Mayor Eric Adams accidentally confused India with Pakistan… but quickly took it back.

Making him an Indian Giver. Or is it a Pakistani Giver? I’m so confused… Are we even allowed to say “Indian Giver” anymore??

*****

Ben Affleck has signed on to star in “The Accountant 2” a follow up to his 2016 hit, “The Accountant” set to debut in 2025.

- In this go round, Ben has to outwit criminal masterminds and the FBI all while navigatgating the treacherous pitfalls of his PreNup with Jennifer Lopez!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

This Just In… after months of 1nvestigation, The House Oversight Committee has found that President Biden “abused his office” and “defrauded the United States to enrich his family by taking more than $27 MILLION from Foreign Entities and individuals in exchange for influence - going back to when Biden was Obama’s Vice President in 2014.

-Why the rush, guys?

*****

Speaking of Joe… He is scheduled to deliver the Keynote Address at the First night of the Democrat National Convention in Chicago tonight.

And as always with Joe… The “Key” will be making sure he actually reads his “Notes”.

*****

The Florida Health Department is advising against eating Pythons because of their high mercury content.

- Great. What So much for the Peanut Butter and Python Sandwich I planned on having for lunch this afternoon.

*****

In Chicago, business owners are boarding up their stores in anticipation of violent Pro-Palestinian and other protests during the convention.

-It’s so bad, the Car Jackers and Muggers are locking up their weapons so they don’t get stolen during the violence.

*****

While on an American Airlines flight, Ryan Seacrest’s ex was injured after she swallowed shards of plastic that were in her beverage.

- Do people not know that you’re not actually supposed to DRINK the STRAW??

*****

According to Variety, Netflix has finally given the green light to a new 3D-animated “Ghostbusters” series.

- I picked up the phone to get some more details on this… but I started thinkin’, “Who you gonna call?”…

*****

RIP… Phil Donahue… Popular TV talk show host from 1967 to 1996 and longtime husband of actress Marlo Thomas, has died after a long illness. He was 88.

******

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Just one month after Donald Trump was nearly Assassinated during a rally in Butler, PA, a Secret Service agent abandoned her post during Donald Trump's visit to North Carolina yesterday to… breastfeed her baby. She left without telling anyone and was found in a room reserved for “emergencies”.

- I think the only solace we can take from this story is that the Breastfeeding Secret Service Agent was actually a WOMAN. These days… and with this Administration… you never know.

*****

Millions of people in the Caribbean are bracing for the wrath of Tropical Storm Ernesto as the fifth tropical storm of 2024 barrels towards the region.

- Or as MSNBC is reporting it… “Kamala Harris Brings Joyful Rain To the Caribbean!”

*****

A recent report claims that the Fantasy Sports Business has grown to an $11 BILLION industry.

But the biggest Fantasy in Sports remains… The Lions making it to the Super Bowl.

*****

New research suggests that Mars may be drenched beneath its surface, with enough water hiding in the cracks of underground rocks to form a Global Ocean.

- If you think that’s something, wait til you hear what they found under Uranus.

*****

A Groom in Japan called off his arranged-wedding this week after finding out his bride-to-be was 25 his SENIOR.

- Turn’s out when the Bride said she was carrying, “Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, & Something Blue” down the aisle… the “Old” thing was HERSELF.

*****

Dolly Parton has announced her own makeup line called "Dolly Beauty."

- So between her music and make-up, now Dolly will be famous for TWO things! Well…. FOUR things, actually.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Now that the '24 Paris Olympics are in the Record Books... the public has spoken about what sports they're not interested in seeing again. The LEAST favorite Olympic Sport... Race Walking. With comments ranging from... "It's boring" and "Stupid" to the very direct "It's not a sport".

- I'm not trying to poo-poo their achievements... but as the pic shows, Race Walking is kinda like watching watching a group of people desperately trying to find a bathroom.

*****

As of this morning... More than ONE BILLION PEOPLE have listened to the conversation between Elon Musk and Donald Trump broadcast on X (formerly Twitter) last night. The event got off to a rough start when a massive cyber attack blocked the broadcast... but it went for more than two hours once it was fixed. I couldn't get on... but will be listening today. Did you hear it? What did you think?

*****

Musk has reached out to the Harris campaign - saying he'd love to host a similar type event with Kamala - but her campaign refused his invitation.

- I'm starting to think she doesn't want us to hear what she has to say... 🤔

*****

As some scientists continue to worry about the impact of Cow Flatulance on the Climate (If it's not one thing, it's an udder, I guess...) researchers in Europe now say they've come up with a more Eco-Friendly way to make Ice Cream: Horse Milk! Turns out you can "Milk Mares" and use the milk to make Ice Cream that “Kind of” tastes like the real thing.

- So... Horses don't break wind? No wonder they stampede!

*****

A popular Briisth TV Veterinarian says Humans may be causing a health crisis for their pets that they’re not even aware of… We could be gassing dog to death. He says 19% of dogs are terrified of the unexpected noise made by Human Flatuflence - and says it can lead to a pet that’s “edgy and nervous all the time”.

- And you thought your dog was upset because you blamed HIM for it.

*****

A new report says that Irish Olympian Swimmer Daniel Wiffen missed out on the closing ceremony because he was hospitalized after becoming sick with a stomach bug after swimming in the Seine River.

- This is the first time in history an Irishman has been sidelined by something he drank.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Former President Trump is sitting down with Elon Musk for an Interview set to air LIVE on X tonight. And experts say so many people are going to tune in… it’s going to “Break the Internet”.

- If it does break, I’d like to give Trump and Elon a suggestion: Call one of my Grandkids! That’s who I always call when my Internet goes down…

*****

A Chinese furniture company has begun producing Gorilla-shaped soafa after AI-generated photos of Gorilla-like couches started going viral on social media.

- It’s a great place to do your monkey business.

*****

During a sit down interview with “CBS Sunday Morning”, President Biden admitted he was pushed out of the presidential race by Democratic Party elites and specifically name-dropped former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

- Well guess who’s not getting a “World’s Greatest Former Speaker of the House” Coffee Mug for Christmas this year??

*****

According to a new study, washing your fruit before eating - even with soap - doesn’t remove pesticides - and the only way to guarantee your not getting any chemicals is to peel your fruit completely.

- Even Bananas??

*****

Delta Airlines will no longer say “Ladies and Gentlemen” during their Pre-flight Boarding Announcements at the Gate… saying some passengers find it offensive. They’re looking for something more “Gender Inclusive”.

- Here’s an idea… How about Airlines worry MORE about making sure all the doors stay closed while the plane is flying and LESS about salutations??

*****

Jennifer Lopez’s house-hunting spree continued this week as she toured a $22-million-dollar Beverly Hills home amid her looming divorce from Ben Affleck.

- Jen’s got a very specific list of needs… She needs a closet for her shoes, one for her purses, and one for her massive ego.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Kamala Harris’s VP running mate, Tim Walz has picked up an unusual nickname… “Tampon Tim”… after he signed a bill requiring Feminine Hygiene Products be put in Boys Bathrooms in High Schools.

- Wow. This gives a whole new meaning to “Bachelor Pad”.

*****

President Biden says he’s “not at all confident” that there will be a peaceful transfer of power depending how the election goes in November.

- Then again… We’re not really sure who’s running the Country now… so maybe we should nail that one down before we worry about who were gonna hand it off to…

*****

According to a new survey, Remote Workers are 27% more likely to look forward to doing their job than those who work in the Office.

- Put another way: 27% of Americans like working in their Underpants.

*****

The latest “Alien” movie in the series, “Alien: Romulus,” is expected to bring in about $50 MILLION when it hits theaters on August 16th.

Speaking of “Aliens”…. Just a reminder - The Ladies of the “View” are on Vacation all Month… but will be back after Labor Day!

*****

A Chinese company has come under fire for posting a want ad and warning candidates born in the “Year of the Dog” not to apply because they would automatically be rejected. Apparently the Boss was born in the “Year of the Dragon” and believes his personality is not compatible with a Dog.

- Response to the add was overwhelmingly negative and it was universally “Moo Goo Gai Panned”.

*****

Kim Kardashian is seeking a restraining order against an alleged stalker.

- Kim says every time she looks over her shoulder she sees a “Really, creepy stranger” … Along with a really, giant butt.

*****

A new survey found that California drivers are the most confrontational motorists across all 50 states.

- There’s even a new song about it… “California Screamin’”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Former President Trump seemed enthused about Kamala Harris’s selection of Tim Walz as her running mate. Shortly after Kamala made the announcement… Trump put out a two word Tweet on X reading: “Thank You!”

- Not wanting to miss out on the action… Joe Biden jumped in and quickly tweeted “Biden/Harris2024 Because Democracy is on the Ballot!”

*****

More than $1 MILLION worth of cocaine washed up on a beach in the Florida Keys in the wake of Hurricane Debby.

- And if you think that’s a lot… just wait til later in the season when we get to “Hurricane Hunter”.

*****

Doug Emhoff, Kamala Harris's husband, admitted to cheating on his first wife (before he was married to Kamala) that resulted in getting his daughter’s Nanny pregnant.

- Apparently he hired the Nanny from the same “Fertile Myrtle Nanny & Maid Service” that Arnold Schwarzenegger used years ago.

*****

The new movie Musical about Bob Dylan, “A Complete Unknown,” is set to be released on Christmas Day.

- I feel kind of bad saying this… but I’m not sure I want to see a musical about Bob Dylan. With his raspy voice… I’m always straining to figure out what he’s singing about.

*****

A new scientific study suggests that overweight Cats might hold the key to understanding human obesity… Turns out, Humans and Felines have a similar Intestinal Tract that reacts the same way as people do to the food we eat.

- Especially if you eat “Frisky’s Buffet”.

*****

A McDonald's worker in Georgia started a fire because he thought the drive-thru was too busy.

- Then he’s obviously never been to Chick-fil-A. Longest fast-food lines of all… but also the fastest moving! They know how to get it done. PRO TIP: I read somewhere… When given the choice of two lines - Always go LEFT! Why? Most people naturally go right. It’s Human nature! Your welcome!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s National Underwear Day! So whether you wear Boxers or Briefs… Micro or Mini… today is the day to show off your “Underwear that’s Fun-to-Wear”!!! (I’ll admit I’m a bit of a Thong and Dance man, myself… - Just kidding!)

*****

THIS JUST IN… Kamala Harris has chosen Minnesota Governor Tim Walz as her Vice Presidential Running Mate… Walz is know for turning down Federal assistance during the fiery George Floyd protests, supporting sex change procedures for minors and signing a bill that gives Drivers Licenses to Illegal migrants in his state. Stay tuned…

*****

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says the country should honor President Biden by adding him to Mount Rushmore.

- Wait… I thought they wanted to tear all of our Monuments down?

*****

Harrison Ford says accepting a role in "Captain America 4" required him to “Not care about quality" and "Just do it for the money."

- That’s the same thing I said when I accepted my role in the movie “Collision Course” with Jay Leno and Pat Morito… the movie so bad that there was a disclaimer on the Blockbuster Video that said, “If you are not satisfied with this movie… you can return it for a $2 refund”.

*****

According to a new poll, owning a Dog can dramatically improve a person’a overall health.

- And chances are… more stains on your carpet, too.

*****

Ukraine's military says it destroyed a Russian Sub over the weekend.

- In a related story… I destroyed a Beef ‘n Cheddar Sub at Arby’s on our way back from my Granddaughter, Julia’s Wedding in Charlevoix over the Weekend. Thanks for all your thoughtful comments by the way!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

This Just In… Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich and former U.S. Marine Paul Whelan from Novi, Michigan have been released from jail in Russia in what appears to be a major Prisoner swap. No word yet on which Russians are being released in exchanged for the Americans. Stay tuned…

*****

A Biologically Male Boxer won against an Italian woman in one of the most controversial Olympic bouts ever. Just 46 seconds into the fight, the Italian woman threw her helmet onto the floor, abandoned the fight and started to cry… later saying she’d never been hit that hard before.

- She totally fought like a girl. Because when you think about it… she IS a Girl.

- I’m kidding of course. The fact biological Men are allowed to hit Women in Globally televised spectacles and we’re supposed to be okay with this is beyond my comprehension.

- Remember when we were shocked when Bobby Riggs played Billie Jean King in Tennis. Those were the days. (Billie Jean won by the way!!!)

*****

Well is Officially “Almost Official”… Friends of “Bennifer” (JLo and Ben Affleck) say the couple have filled out all of their Divorce Papers and are just waiting for “the right moment” to file them in court.

- And by “the right moment”, they mean… they’re just waiting for the paparazzi to clear their schedules.

- Like all Hollywood Couples, JLo and Ben will have an official “Divorce Registry” at “Bed, Bath & I’m Beyond Glad This Marriage Is Over!”

*****

Videos have emerged showing hundreds of demonstrators marching with Communist flags on the streets of Philadelphia.

- I’m not a fan of Communism… but it’s Nice to see something other than Palestinian flags for a change…

*****

According to a new research… the average American snacks three times per day.

- Well I am proud to report that I for one am WAY above average.

*****

A new study finds that “Complex Life Forms” existed 1.5 billion years earlier than previously believed.

- Another study found that some simple, single cell organism that never developed brains STILL exist in their original primordial state from MILLIONS of years ago.

- You can see them everyday at 11am on “The View”.

*****

A new survey finds that just half of high school graduates plan to attend four-year college.

- They’re going to skip the whole “education” part and go straight to Protesting!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

27 year old Simone Biles led the U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team to a triumphant return to the top of the Olympic Podium in the team final at the 2024 Paris Olympics, securing a Gold Medal! This victory makes Biles, who became the most decorated American gymnast in Olympic history with 8 Medals.

The win was a redemption for the US Team’s Silver finish in Tokyo, where Biles withdrew from several events due to mental health issues which she famously called the “Twisties”.

#GoTeamUSA 🇺🇸

*****

Kathie Lee Gifford says she’s on the mend after falling at her home and breaking her pelvis in two places - an injury that comes just months after the host recovered from hip replacement surgery.

- Sounds like somebody forgot to take their “Balance of Nature”.

*****

Scientists found that women who have sex less than once a week have a 70% higher probability of dying from any cause within five years compared to women who have sex more than once a week.

- FYI… Ladies… This study was funded 100% by YOUR HUSBAND.

*****

The Court Ruling you didn’t know you were waiting for: The Ohio Supreme Court has ruled that consumers cannot expect boneless chicken wings to be entirely free of bones.

- Wow. First the Presidential Immunity decision and now this… No wonder the Biden/Harris Administration is taking about re-doing the Supreme Court.

*****

A Brooklyn man was found sleeping on the subway platform with a loaded gun plainly sticking out of the waistband of his jeans.

- On a bright note… He was in the Subway and we was actually WEARING PANTS!!!!

- I’ve seen what’s happening on the NYC Subways… to be honest, I’d be wearing Bullet PROOF Pants!

*****

During remarks Tuesday, President Biden predicted that he’d be remembered as the leader who “Cured the Economy.”

- For instance… He “Cured” Groceries of the “Affliction of Affordability”!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s National Whistleblowers Appreciation Day… Between Hunter Biden’s laptop and what’s coming out about the Trump Assassination Attempt… if it weren’t for the Whistleblowers… we wouldn’t have any idea what’s really going on in Washington these days.

*****

Olympic organizers canceled Triathlon training for Swimmers again yesterday because levels of bacteria in the Seine river are too high - which could make the swimmers sick.

- In a related story… Millions of people around the reportedly world felt sick after just WATCHING the Opening Ceremony of the Paris Olympics the guys in dresses acting out the Last Supper.

- I watched it… What a drag.

*****

62-year-old Tom Cruise was spotted at the Olympics Opening Ceremonies and a women's gymnastics event over the weekend before leaving Paris for London.

- He was going to stay for more events… but at just 5’ 7”, Tom started feeling bad a little insecure the closer they got to the High Jump.

*****

A pony found wandering loose on a road in the state of Delaware Monday morning and was safely reunited with his owner.

- So before you go assuming the Pony belongs to Joe Biden… from one I’ve seen on TV, he seems like more of a Bike guy.

*****

Southwest Airlines says it will move ahead with plans to assign seats and offer premium seating options, ending its well-known open-seating policy.

- Whereas Delta is moving ahead with plans to bolt on all its parts… ending its well-known “Open-Doors During Flight” Policy.

*****

A new study finds that the virus responsible for COVID-19 is widespread among wildlife.

- You didn’t think Raccoons are still wearing masks because they’re trying to be incognito while they go through your garbage can do you?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Police officers flocked to Taylor Swift’s hotel in Germany after Swifties swarmed the entrance ahead of her highly anticipated Eras Tour show.

- This hotel was somehow filled with more “Undocumented Guests” than the ones in New York City!

- Germany will lock down a building to protect it from a group of Taylor Swift fans… but In U.S. we let a bunch of jackasses spray paint “Death to America” on the Liberty Bell and burn the American Flag and do NOTHING??

*****

According to a new poll, 1 in 5 Massachusetts residents want to move out of the state, citing high housing and transportation costs.

-Plus they complained about all the “Second-hand Smoke Signals” they had to deal with from Elizabeth Warren.

*****

Another huge fight broke out at Disney World’s “Magic Kingdom” last week with parents throwing punches at each other in front of their kids.

- So basically the Parents are now acting Children.

- They’re considering “Expanding the Seven Dwarves” to reflect today’s society so in addition to Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey… Disney will add, 3 more dwarves named “Angry”, “Anxious” and “Depressed”!

*****

Trash carried by at least one North Korean balloon fell on the South Korean presidential compound on Wednesday.

-And much like the North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un himself, the trash bags were, “Hefty! Hefty! Hefty!”

******

George Lazenby… who played James Bond in just one Bond movie - 1969’s “on Her Majesty’s Secret Service” is hanging up his hat. The actor says while it’s been “A fun ride”, at 84 - it’s time to quit acting and spend more time with his family.

- Bottom Line? Just like the rest of us… This James Bond is: Old. Pretty Old.

*****

Oceanographers have found that so much Cocaine is accidentally dumped into the waters off Brazil because of the Drug trade, sharks off the coast actually test Postive for Coke in their systems.

- In a related story… Hunter Biden is said to be dealing with his Dad not running for a 2nd term by taking a little time off to go Scuba diving in Brazil !

*****

Las Vegas Raiders wide receiver Michael Gallup stunningly retired from the NFL this week at the age of just 28.

- So, now he’ll be like most 28-year-olds… unemployed!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Biden will address the nation from the Oval Office tonight at 8pm to explain “His decision” to drop out of the 2024 Presidential race.

We think…

I mean that’s what the letter he sent out on Social Media over the weekend said…

Who knows…

But things are so confusing right now, your guess is as good as mine as to what’s going on and what’s going to happen. Le’t all make some popcorn and tune in…

*****

A new survey shows that due to low job satisfaction, nearly 3 in 10 workers in America are expected to quit their jobs by the end of 2024. (True!)

- Who knew Joe was such a trend setter?

*****

It’s Amelia Earhart Day! If only Amelia had tried her famous Flight today… With all of the computer glitches and delays… her flight would have been cancelled and Amelia would be alive today!

*****

A Nigerian man recently played the mobile game “Dream League Soccer 2023” for 75 consecutive hours, breaking a Guinness World Record.

- Wait… he’s from Nigeria? I think I might know him! He emailed me and I just sent him some money he needed to bail his grandma out of jail last week!! (Fingers crossed she gets out!)

******

Do You Believe in Books??

After 70 years of “Living life on her own terms”, 78 year old Cher is set to release a two-part Memoir that will detail the true story of her life in what she says is “Intimate detail”. Part One - which is said to focus on her marriage to Sonny Bono - hits bookstores Nov. 19th ands is 480 pages long.

- I was able to get an advance copy of the book… Don’t let this get out… but here’s how it starts:

“I was born in the wagon of a travelin' show

My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw

Papa would do whatever he could

Preach a little gospel, sell a couple bottles of Doctor Good…”

*****

No word yet on where Kimberly Cheatle - the Director of the Secret Service - will land after resigning amid the massive Security Failure during the attempted Assassination of Donald Trump.

- Ive heard she’s hoping to get a job as the TV spokesperson for “Mr. Roof”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

THIS JUST IN…

Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle has RESIGNED… ten days after the failed Assasinatination Attempt on the life of former President Trump. Her resignation, which was announced via email, came one day after what many considered a disastrous bi-partisan hearing on Capitol Hill during which Ms. Cheatle answered virtually zero questions.

Meanwhile...

President Biden... Who has not been seen since issuing a statement ONLINE that he would not be seeking a second term... send out another tweet saying that he'll address the nation from the Oval Office tomorrow (Wednesday night) to let us know what's next.

Stay tuned...

*****

A Nigerian man recently played the mobile game “Dream League Soccer 2023” for 75 consecutive hours, breaking a Guinness World Record.

- Wait… he’s from Nigeria? I think I might know him! He emailed me and I just sent him some money he needed to bail his grandma out of jail last week!! (Fingers crossed she gets out!)

*****

Chris Christie faced backlash from co-hosts of “The View” after declaring that he would not vote for any of the current presidential candidates.

- The ladies jumped all over him, but you could tell Chris was eating up the attention. Along with all the snacks in Whoopi and Joy’s dressing rooms.

*****

According to a new poll, one in three Americans believe they have an idea they think could one day make them wealthy. From writing the next big novel to a hot stock tip or turning an invention into product, 33% of people believe they have a tantalizing idea they think could make be their ticket to Easy Street.

- And just like that I'm more excited than ever to make my combination "Electric Mustache Trimmer/Karaoke Microphone" a reality!!!!!

*****

On this day in 1966… Frank Sinatra's album “Strangers In The Night” reached Number one on the U.S. charts. And if I’m not mistaken… It’s the song Bill and Hillary Clinton play every year to mark their Wedding Anniversary!

And on this day in 1973… President Richard Nixon refused to release the Watergate tapes of conversations in the White House relevant to the Watergate investigation.

- Remember those Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer? When the Government was in shambles and we had no idea what was going on? Boy I sure am glad we’re done with THAT!

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!!!

It’s July 11th so despite Dad’s best efforts, I’ve commandeered the keyboard so I can say a Big Happy Birthday to the Best Dad in the Entire World… Mine!!!! Am I Biased? Absolutely!! Am I being honest?? 100%!! Funny, Smart, Thoughtful, Kind, Loving, a History Buff (he knows more about Winston Churchill than I think even MRS. Churchill knew) he’s honestly one of the most fascinating people I’ve ever known.

And it’s his Birthday!

I’d write more… but we’re taking him to his favorite Chuck E. Cheese for lunch and then it’s off the the Trampoline Park with a few of his friends for an afternoon bounce! I’ll try to put some pics up next week!! :) On behalf of the whole family… We love you sooooo much!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

And now… I’ll hand it back to the Birthday Boy…

Thanks, Jackie…

A new survey finds that one-quarter of 55-year-old Americans expect to require financial support from their kids when they retire.

- It’s gonna be really embarrassing to walk down to the basement and tell your grown kids living in your basement that your need to borrow money!

*****

The U.S. National Park Service is pleading with visitors to Yosemite National Park to put stop leaving their trash behind - including old toilet paper.

- Just to give you some background… It turns out people started using Toilet Paper at National Parks after several hikers were injured attempting to use “Old Faithful” as a Bidet.

*****

An investment banker allegedly pulled down his pants and began making love to a tree just yards away from an iconic Memorial in London last week.

- I’m gonna go out on a limb here (so to speak) and say maybe he was playing the old “She Love Me… She Loves Me KNOT” game???

*****

A Kangaroo that escaped from a farmer’s yard ourside Berlin, Germany has been captured 6 month after it escaped.

That story again… “Goosestepping Kangaroo Nabbed After 6 Months on the Lam”.

*****

60 year old actor Nicolas Cage says he never expected to have 3 kids by 3 different women.

- I’ll be honest. I didn’t expect to have six kids with one woman either but… I had a few minutes on my hands.

*****

Speaking of having kids…

Margot Robbie, the actress who played Barbie, is pregnant.

- I’m gonna be honest. I didn’t think Ken had it in him.

*****

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick & Jackie

GEORGE CLOONEY who just host a huge fundraiser for President Biden 3 weeks ago wrote an OP/ED for the NYTimes this morning calling for Biden to DROP OUT saying that Democrat party leaders need to “Stop telling 51 MILLION people that we didn’t see what we just saw” at the debate.

- Wow. When the star of ER tell you things are bad… it must really be an EMERGENCY.

*****

Former Prez Trump challenged President Biden to a one-on-one 18 Hole Golf Tournmanent Last night… Adding that if Biden won… Trump would donate $1 MILLION to the Charity of Biden’s choosing. But Biden’s “team” immediately turned the challenge down.

- Joe would only agree if it’s a Putt-Putt Tournament and he gets to have a Caddy.

- Hey this sounds like a fun idea! At the end… Instead of tapping the ball into the Clown’s mouth, they could putt it up Hunter’s nose.

*****

According to a new report… The Car Theft Capital of the World is…………… Canada.

- The reason is obvious: The car thieves in Canada never get caught because they’re all wearing Ice Skates!

*****

A new survey finds that more and more Americans think sending their kids to College just isn't worth it.

- Turns out you can save a whole lot of money by just buying them a bunch of protest signs and tent, let them camp out on your front lawn and you're good to go!

*****

Big news out of Hollywood… There’s a remake in the works of the 1964 Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western, “A Fistful of Dollars”.

- But… to reflect the more Modern times, the reboot will be titled, “A Credit Card Full of Charges”.

*****

NASCAR has unveiled its first electric racecar!

- Next week: They’ll unveil their first 50,000 foot extension cord!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

The White House says a Parkinson’s Disease Specialist visiting the White House ten times in the last year had NOTHING to do with President Biden… and that as of his physical last February… Joe is “Fine” and “Fit for Office”.

- Well okay then. I guess that’s settled!

- Former President Obama was quick to point out that with Obamacare, if Joe LIKES his Doctor, he can KEEP his Doctor!

*****

THIS JUST IN…

The Washington Examiner is reporting that last Fall, the Marine Corps band was instructed to compose an entrance theme for the First Lady to be played whenever she enters a room and approaches a podium. It is titled “Fanfare for the First Lady” and is played at Official White House Functions as Jill Biden’s personal version of “Hail to the Chief”.

- We’ve gone from Bill and Hillary to Joe and Jillary… Uh, I mean… JILL.

*****

A new poll found that with inflation an issue this summer, a majority of Americans say they can’t afford a vacation in the near future.

- We always went one of two places for summer vacation: Buffalo to see the relatives… or Cedar Point for the French Fries! “Mama Berardi’s” was the name of the stand if I remember it right. Insanely good. With Malt Vinegar and Ketchup. Best Ride in the Park… Hands down.

*****

According to a new survey, one third of young adults think July 4th celebrates America’s winning it’s Independence from……… “Native Americans”.

- Hey! At least they didn’t say “Indians”. That would have been WRONG!

- I think we all owe a debt of gratitude to those brave souls who freed us from Elizabeth Warren!

*****

Target will soon stop accepting personal checks as payment.

- Which is great news is for Looters who now have yet another option of how NOT to pay for their stolen goods!

*****

While her estranged husband Ben Affleck was out in LA, Jennifer Lopez was spotted over the weekend on a bike ride with her male vocal coach in the Hamptons.

- JLo better hurry up and get divorced because word on the street is… she and this new guy are about to get ENGAGED!!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Hope you all had a great 4th of July Weekend! Happy belated Birthday to Ringo Starr who turned 84 yesterday! I was going to get him something really special… but all I’ve got is a photograph…

*****

Despite more and more top Democrats calling for him to end his campaign, President Biden sent a letter to members of Congress and the Media today announcing his intensions to STAY IN THE RACE… saying in no uncertain terms that he’s not going anywhere.

- This is gonna be a looooonnnng four months!

*****

An American Airlines flight from Buffalo to New Hampshire was forced to be make an emergency landing Wednesday after a passenger unzipped his pants and “answered the call of nature” in the aisle of the plane. The 25 year old suspect told Police he had had experienced a “Medical Urination Emergecy”.

- Too which the cops replied, “Urine Trouble”.

- Luckily… the man brought a roll of Emotional Support Toilet Paper in his Carry-On.

*****

Justin Timberlake and Tiger Woods are teaming up to convert an old movie theater into a Sports Bar in the middle of New York City.

- It’s the first bar in the world where you have to show ID to get in and they automatically give you a Mug Shot on the way out.

*****

The U.S. Postal Service is expected to raise the price of its postage stamps again… the second rate increase so far this year.

- I can see where this is headed… Pretty soon Postal Carriers are gonna starts carrying around those “Tip Screens” and refuse service until you agree to give him a 20% tip for dropping off your cable bill.

*****

An English Foot Fetish Model has launched a limited-edition wine made by taking off her shoes and crushing the grapes, and selling the wine to her adoring fans for $128 per bottle.

- I don’t know the details… but I’m assuming it’s a Cha-Toe La-Feet.

- Oh… and for what’s it’s worth… the Foot model said that the Wine made with the middle toe paired “really well with Roast Beef”. (You know… Before you go Wee, Wee, Wee, Wee All the Way Home).

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick